


Drops of Jupiter

by BitterRenegade



Series: Co-Pilot [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Best Friends, F/M, Friendship/Love, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Original Character(s), POV Original Character, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-13 08:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 84,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4514616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterRenegade/pseuds/BitterRenegade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A lot can happen in two years. Things change, people change, and Sabrina Shepard's death changed me more than I'd like to admit. I was too afraid to fly, I broke down, I never spoke to Jeff... Then all of a sudden, she was back. And even though we were the ones that let her die, they wanted us to fly again. (Sequel to Across the Universe. Second part of the Co-Pilot Series)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RiriYuki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiriYuki/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you have it folks, the first chapter of AtU's sequel!   
> Drops of Jupiter will be updated a MAXIMUM of 2 times a week, on Wednesdays and Friday's respectively. That means that tomorrow, I will post another chapter but next week I might only post on Wednesday, or on Friday. This is because I'm getting busier this month, but don't want to keep you guys waiting so I'm stocking up on chapters (on good weeks I write up to 5) to post on weeks where I can't write at all.  
> Also, I don't own Bioware or Mass Effect. If any of you need to or want to contact me, PM me on fanfiction.net or just leave a review! I'm always very good about replying.  
> Thanks so much guys! Hope this story gets as much love as the first!

I leaned back in my seat and let out a loud yawn, Jeff rolling his eyes. "You bored CP?"

"Come on Jeff, don't tell me that you're not," I whined. "We've been in this sector for how long now? And nothing's happened! Nothing! I wish that Tali, Wrex, and Garrus were still here," I grumbled, crossing my arms. I poked my head around my seat to grin at our new ensign, Talitha Draven. "What do you think Talitha?"

Talitha was nice. She'd transferred to the Normandy not too long after we saved the Citadel, eager to work with the legendary Commander Shepard. She was a couple of years younger than me, and I loved talking to her. Mostly because when she wasn't talking about the ships scanners, she was adorably shy.

"I-I don't mind what we've been doing," the girl stuttered.

"Aw, come on Talitha," I pouted. "Side with me! This is boring, right?"

"Stop bugging the new girl CP," Jeff scolded. "We're jumping the Relay in a minute, so focus."

I saluted him mockingly. "Aye aye Flight Leauitenent Moreau, Sir!"

Jeff smirked. "You're such a brat. Why'd we ever become friends?"

"Best friends," I corrected with a grin. "And it was because I was so unbearably charming that you just couldn't handle not being my friend."

"Yeah, sure. That was the reason," the pilot snickered.

After we'd defeated Sovereign, the Council had been sending us to wipe out Geth resistance. Personally I thought it was a complete waste of time. Sabrina was a Spectre, there were far more important missions that they could be sending us on. Besides, we'd been having less and less problems with the Geth.

It kind of felt like the Council was just trying to keep us busy and out of the way so we couldn't keep bringing up the Reaper threat. They were eager to drop the matter, and hard as Anderson tried to fight them on the decision they just wouldn't listen.

I turned on the ships PA. "Hey guys, we're about to jump from the Eagle Nebula Relay to the Omega 2," I stated. "Prepare all stations for transit." I turned off the PA, double checking it to make sure I wouldn't accidently say something embarrassing to everyone on the Normandy.

Again.

Joker turned to grin at me. "We're about to hit the Relay, better close your eyes," he teased.

"Oh shut up," I laughed. Looking out the windows, I smiled as I watched all the stars speed past us, turning into lines. I guess the one good thing about these boring missions was that we could relax. Returning my gaze to my console, I tapped on the aerogel, feeling the ship slow down.

"Disengaging FTL drives… Emission sinks active," Jeff called out.

"Board's green, we're running silent," I finished with a nod. "To the Amada System!" I declared, throwing a fist in the air. "What's our ETA Jeff?"

"Five minutes, not even," Jeff told me, adjusting his hat.

Pressly made his way onto the bridge, a scowl on his face. "We're wasting our time. Four days searching up and down this sector and we haven't found any sign of geth activity," the older man grumbled, getting just as tired as I was about this whole 'mission'. He checked a few things off on his datapad.

"You're telling me," I piped in agreement.

"Three ships went missing here in the past month. Something happened to them," Jeff reasoned, shrugging.

Pressly scoffed. "My money's on slavers. The Terminus System's crawling with them."

I smirked mischievously. "Oh, are we making this a bet Pressly? Because I do enjoy a gamble every now and then."

"No way Officer Kogan," the navigator refused with a chuckle. "I wouldn't gamble against you."

"Darn," I sighed. "Nothing fun happens here anymore."

"Um, guys?" Talitha called out. I perked up at her voice, turning to look at her curiously. "I'm picking up something on the long-range scanner. Unidentified vessel. Looks like a cruiser."

Jeff looked it over on our screens, his brows scrunching up. "Doesn't match any known signatures."

"Cruiser is changing course. Now on intercept trajectory…" Talitha told us, a hint of worry in her voice. I frowned, pulling the long ranged scanner up on my screen.

Pressly shot her down in disbelief, shaking his head. "Can't be. Stealth systems are engaged. There's no way a geth ship could possib-"

Oh God.

"It's not the geth." Jeff realized at the same moment as me, cutting the older man off. "Brace for evasive maneuvers!" he ordered.

The console Pressly was standing by exploded, the man letting out a cry before collapsing to the ground. "Pressly!" I shouted, turning to look at our ensign for help. "Talitha-" I started, an explosion from her console cutting me off and throwing the young woman down to the floor. I shot out of my seat, checking Pressly's pulse first.

There wasn't one.

"CP, I need you here!" Jeff snapped at me.

"Give me a second!" I barked back, moving towards Talitha. I rolled her over gently…

Her eyes were glazed, empty. Devoid of life.

I bit my lip. Talitha… she was so young, and sweet, she didn't deserve this... Just this morning she'd brought me coffee. And now… I shook my head, trying to fight back the dark thoughts.

Luckily Jeff was there. "Kim, what's going on? You okay?"

"Pressly and Talitha are dead," I answered sadly, shaking my head. "Okay, okay. I'll dwell on this later," I decided firmly, jumping into my seat and returning my attention to the Normandy's controls. Smoke began to fill the air around us, and I could feel the area behind me heat up.

Fire.

"Oh God," I whispered, my eyes scanning my screen. Our barriers were completely down. "Jeff, Kinetic barriers down," I warned, feeling panic begin to rise in my chest.

"Multiple hull breaches. Weapons offline," the pilot began tapping the console in a panic, glancing behind him. "Can you get that fire out?" he asked me.

At his request I stood up, grabbing the fire extinguisher and tossing an oxygen mask to Jeff. "Put that on." I ordered, putting one over my face as well before working on getting rid of the flames. Once they'd finally died down, I spotted Kaidan running through the CIC and towards us; already in his armor.

"Kim!" Alenko called out, relieved that I was safe. "You two get on the evac shuttles-"

"No! I can save her!" Jeff snapped at the sentinel angrily. Kaidan glared at the pilot, stepping forward and grabbing Jeff's shoulder.

"There's no way you can," Alenko stated bluntly. Jeff glared up at him, a fire in his eyes that I'd never seen.

Before things could escalate, I placed a gentle hand on Kaidan's arm, giving him a weak smile. "You find Sabrina and get her into an evacuation pod. I'll stay with Jeff," I told him with a nod. "We'll be fine, just go."

Kaidan opened his mouth to argue, but at my pleading look he reluctantly agreed. "I'll go get Shepard and make sure everyone else gets off the Normandy."

"We can save her!" Jeff argued, Kaidan leaving. "I'm not evacuating!"

"Jeff, we can't save her," I told the man gently, resting a hand on his shoulder. He glared up at me, rage flaring in his eyes.

"I can! Just help me already CP!" he shouted, accusing. As if it was my fault that the Normandy was getting destroyed.

I pursed my lips.

Oh, I could not deal with that attitude.

"Jeff!" I growled, now fed up. Turning around I could see Kaidan clear everyone out of the CIC, heading down to the escape pods. "What am I supposed to do? Let you die trying to save a ship that's already gone? We have to go."

He turned to look up at me, green eyes filled with grief. "Kim, please. Just trust me," he begged.

I stared at him for a moment. I did trust him, I trusted him more than anyone (Sabrina not included). We sang together, ate disgusting jelly beans… He held me as I cried over Ashley's death He was my best friend, my teammate, my partner…

My pilot.

Letting out an annoyed groan, I glared at him and returned to my seat. "You owe me." I stated. Of course he had to pull the 'trust me' card. And the calling me by my first name card. God, I was such a sap. "Mayday, mayday, mayday! This is SSV Normandy! We've suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy," I spoke into the communications console, turning around and seeing another blast from the enemy ship tear the top off our CIC, removing all the oxygen from that part of the ship. Thank god for the cockpit's internal kinetic barrier, keeping oxygen in the room.

Thank God Kaidan got everyone out of there.

"Come on baby, hold together… Hold together…" Jeff muttered, and I looked at him again as our comm channels began to get cut out.

It wasn't going to hold together, and if we didn't leave soon we'd both be going down with the ship.

"Jeff, nothing's coming through. We need to go; this ship's going to crash," I told him firmly. "We have to go." It was just so obvious that the Normandy couldn't be saved. Why was he refusing to see the obvious?

"I can save her!" Jeff shouted stubbornly.

That's when Sabrina came in.

"Joker! Kim! Come on we have to get out of here!" Sabrina exclaimed, fully armored and her helmet covering all but her eyes. I stood up at the sound of her voice, stepping towards her and placing my hands on her shoulders. Why was she still here? Kaidan should have left with her.

"Sabrina what are you still doing here?" I fretted. No, no, no, she was supposed to have been evacuated with Kaidan. "You have to get off the ship, it's dangerous-"

"It's not dangerous!" Jeff snapped. "I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!"

"The Normandy's lost!" Sabrina snapped back at him. "Going down with the ship won't change that."

At her words, finally the truth seeped into the man's mind as he sighed. Defeated, Jeff looked away from the two of us. "Yeah, ok… Help me up."

Looking at our scanners again, I dashed towards the last escape pod. "They're coming around for another attack!" I shouted as Sabrina grabbed Jeff and threw him out of his seat, dragging him towards the escape pod.

"Ah! Watch the arm!" Jeff cried out. If he'd fractured anything, I was sure that there would be a first aid kit in the evac pod for me to use… at least to numb the pain, or something. One of these days I had to get Chakwas to teach me how to treat brittle bones.

I jumped into the evac pod, Sabrina passing Jeff over to me. "I got him Sabs, come on," I reached my hand out to her to help her in.

Then wall next to her exploded, throwing her back and away from us.

My eyes widened, and I took a step forward. "No!" I screamed, Jeff limping forward.

"Shepard!" Jeff yelled after her, my sister glancing quickly to the emergency release button for the pod. Sabrina looked into my eyes, and she knew.

We wouldn't leave without her.

"Sabrina, no! Wait, please!" I begged, a sob forcing its way out of my throat. "Don't do it."

She hit the button to release the pod, staring into my eyes the entire time. I could see acceptance in them, a crinkle in them as if she was smiling. Why was she smiling? I clenched my chest with my fist. It hurt so much. As the doors closed, I collapsed to the floor.

She was gone.

She was gone.

Sabrina was gone.

"No… no…" I cried, banging on the door pitifully as if somehow that would bring her back. "Not you too Sabrina, not you too."

It felt like someone had torn my heart straight out of my chest. It was hard to breathe, and oh God, it hurt. It hurt so much. I just lay there on the floor of the escape pod, crying. Jeff leaned down beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Kim," he whispered, trying to pull me into a hug.

No, no, no. Don't touch me, don't touch me.

I shot him a glare, roughly shrugging him off.

"Don't touch me," I spoke, completely monotone. "This is your fault. It's your fault she's dead."

It was his fault. If he hadn't been so damn stubborn, if I hadn't trusted him…

I felt a stab through my chest.

I trusted him, and that put Sabrina at risk…

And now she was dead. This time, I knew she was dead. It wasn't like when I'd gotten the call about Akuze, and she'd shown up on my doorstep a week later with a grin.

I'd left her behind on the Normandy.

First we'd left Ashley behind on Virmire… and now we'd left Sabrina behind. Why was it that I always left the people I loved behind? And Sabrina…

She was alone. Sabrina didn't deserve to die alone, no one deserved to die alone. I should have been with her, I should have grabbed her hand, I shouldn't have trusted Joker.

No.

I should be dead. She should have gone in first, I should have hit that button… not her.

Sabrina had always protected me, I should have protected her.

It was all my fault.

Numbly, I stood up, stumbling to the back of the escape pod. I found the medical kit. "Show me your arm," I ordered. Without a word, he limped over, showing me his arm. It was swollen. I applied the medi-gel gently, not knowing what else to do until he saw a doctor.

The two of us didn't speak, we were silent until our pod was picked up by a rescue ship sent by the Alliance.

We didn't see each other again until the funeral.


	2. I'm Lost Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks tezzin, HeartofGrima, and Guest#1 for the kudos!
> 
> So, update: Right now it looks like next week you're only getting one chapter. I really want to stock up before I post two a week. I'm also going to be creating a blog or a forum about this story, if only so I can better record some things. Will update you guys on that.
> 
> And heres a fun facts! I was scanning all the birthdays for characters last night. Like a loser. And Kim's older than so many characters. Also found this person that got me approx. heights for all the characters.  
> KIM IS A MIDGET IN COMPARISON. A MIDGET!!!!

Entering the Mess Hall, I looked around, surprised that no one else was there. Kaidan normally hung around here, and-

"Kimmy!" Sabrina called, tackling me from behind and distracting me from my thoughts. "I demand that you cook me something for lunch. Something tasty."

I giggled, shoving her off of me. "Come on Sabs, knock it off. I'll cook you something okay?" I smiled at her, my sister giving me a slightly worried look.

"Are you okay? You're looking a little confused," the commander noted, taking a step back.

"No, no, I'm fine," I assured, shaking my head. "So, what do you want to eat?" I inquired, making my way towards the kitchen. "Whatever you want, I'll make it, as long as we have the ingredients."

The sound of an explosion made me spin around, seeing the space above us now gone, stars sucking the air out of my lungs.

Sabrina floating away. "Sabrina!" I rasped, jumping up to try and grab her hand. I was floating, and I almost had her hand… and then I felt something wrap around my ankle, tugging me back to the ground.

"You can't save her," a familiar voice sighed, and I turned around to see…

Ashley.

She was in her pink armor, the same armor she was wearing when she died. There were burn marks on it though, and bullet holes. When she dragged my feet back to the ground, I wasn't on the Normandy anymore. I was in an escape pod.

Jeff stepped into my view from behind Ashley, a glare in his eyes.

"It's your fault they died."

With a yelp I fell out of my bed, the sheets soaked with sweat and tangled around me. I kicked them off, my head throbbing and my stomach churning. Dragging myself up using my side table, I let out a groan, accidentally knocking over a few half-empty bottles of blackberry wine and rum. "Fuck," I cursed, swaying slightly as I stumbled towards my washroom, collapsing by the toilet and retching into it. It felt like something was banging in my head as I emptied my stomach, curling up onto the floor once I was done.

It took me a few minutes before I realized the banging in my head was actually coming from the door.

"I'm up, I'm up," I coughed, wiping the corner of my mouth with my hand. I stayed against the wall, making my way to the front door. Why couldn't they stop knocking? Why weren't they leaving me alone?

I opened the door a crack, seeing the tired and defeated face of Kaidan.

"Morning Kim," he greeted, giving me a weak smile. I rolled my eyes but let him in. "You look…"

"Like shit, I know," I responded, voice scratchy. "What do you want?"

The biotic shrugged, shutting the door behind him and heading straight for the living room couch. "Just wanted to see how you were doing. Let you know that I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Of course you are," I scoffed. "Funeral was a month ago Alenko. I'm surprised you stuck around this long." Kaidan frowned, and I inwardly cackled when I saw him bite his lip. He wanted to say something, but was too afraid. I headed into the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of water before joining him on the couch. "So, tell me, what's the real reason you're here?"

The older man let out a sigh, running a hand through his thick black hair. He couldn't even meet my gaze. "We're all pretty worried about you Kim. I mean, other than going to the funeral you've basically just stayed in this apartment.

"It's my house," I stated, crossing my arms. "Why shouldn't I stay in my house?"

God, he kept looking at me with those eyes. Pitying me, as if I deserved pity. "All of us were talking, and we think it might be better for you if you spent some time away from here," he spoke, slowly, trying not to anger me. "Karin and Garrus are going to the Citadel, maybe it would be better if you went with them. Get some distance."

"I'm systems away from where the Normandy crashed," I drawled. "I'd say that's a good amount of distance."

Kaidan shook his head. "But Kim, this is the same apartment that you and… Sabrina," a glint of sadness appeared in his eyes as he spoke her name. I felt a stab through my heart. "…You used to live here together. You've been drinking basically every day-"

"Every day," I corrected, a cold smirk gracing my lips. The biotic gave me a disapproving look. "Don't look at me like that Kaidan, you know it's true."

"It just feels like since she died, you've become a different person," Kaidan muttered. "You and Joker haven't spoken since it happened. Tali sent a message saying that when you were on vid-chat with her last, you looked like you hadn't slept properly in weeks."

"I'm fine," I growled. "Back off Kaidan."

The biotic frowned. "Because of your current mental state, the Alliance has decided to send you for PTSD treatment. Chakwas will be the doctor assigned to you, you regardless of how you feel about this… you're going to the Citadel."

No, no, no. Going to the Citadel meant space travel, and I hated ships. I hated flying. He couldn't make me go, he wouldn't. I shot up from my seat, the world spinning around me. "No, I'm fine! I don't need…" It was too dizzy, oh god I felt sick. "I don't need your help," I swayed, falling down to the floor. Kaidan rushed forward, placing a hand on my shoulder. Tears began to pool in my eyes.

I didn't need help, why couldn't they just leave me alone?

I was _fine_.

"Why can't you guys just leave me alone?" I cried, tears falling freely now. Kaidan's eyes widened, shocked. "I'm not sick. I'm completely fine."

Kaidan pulled me against his chest, rubbing my back as I sobbed. "You're not Kim, but you're going to be okay. You're going to be fine." I felt something prick my skin, and I shoved Kaidan away. My bones felt heavy, I felt… numb.

It clicked into my brain. He'd administered a sedative.

Kaidan was such an asshole.

"I hate you," I spat, the edges of my vision blurring.

When I finally came too, Karen was gently combing my hair with her fingers, Garrus leaning against a nearby wall. They apologized, but I didn't speak.

I didn't speak to anyone the first few days.

I felt betrayed, I just wanted to be left alone where I could think about Sabrina with no interruptions. But they'd dragged me out of my home, forced me to go somewhere I didn't want to go. It was unfair. They completely cut me off from alcohol, and since then I'd been increasingly irritable. I felt sick all the time, I needed it.

Without it, I just… I felt so alone.

It was so damn unfair.

But… I had to accept that they were trying to help me. As much as I didn't want them to. I had good days and bad days. On the bad days, I wouldn't respond to them and would lay in bed all day.

Today was one of my good days. I lay in the room I was staying in… the guest room in Garrus's apartment; curled up in a ball. A glass of water sat beside me, along with a few pictures Chakwas had gotten developed for me as a gift. Made from real paper, apparently.

She knew I was a sentimental person.

A knock caused me to turn my gaze to the door. Garrus was nice enough to at least do that instead of just barging in. Like Sabrina would have. "I'm naked," I called out.

There was silence on the other side of the door. _"Actually?"_

"Nope. I lied, come on in," I sighed, rolling onto my back.

"Hey Kim, I thought that today I could take you out someplace fun," Garrus announced, poking his head into the room somewhat uncertainly.

I gave the turian a bored look. "I don't feel like going out."

He shook his head, heading over to my closet and grabbing a few articles of clothing that I already knew would look horrible together. Vakarian knew absolutely nothing about my personal style. "Sorry Kim, doctors' orders. Today you're going out."

Resigned, I accepted my fate. Hanging out with Garrus couldn't be that bad, I supposed. "Fine, but get out. If I'm going out, I'm going to wear something that actually works together. Not that monstrosity that you think is an outfit."

Garrus let out a low chuckle. "Thanks for that Kim."

"You're so welcome," I responded sarcastically. When he walked out, I got to my feet and headed to the closet. Dark jean capris, a white hoodie, a black V-neck shirt to wear underneath. I opened the drawer of my bedside table after I'd changed, grabbing a hair elastic and tying my hair into a loose, messy ponytail.

These past few months I'd been growing it out. By this time it was just above my shoulders.

Sabrina used to tell me when we were younger that she'd love it if I grew my hair out. That way she could braid it, and… she said I'd look more mature. But at the time it just didn't make sense for me to do that… I was still a kid, why would I need to look mature? Then I was in the Alliance and I didn't want to have to tie it up all the time like Sabrina did…

But now, well, I wasn't really part of the Alliance anymore. Not mentally fit to be a pilot.

I stepped out of the room, Garrus waiting for me. "So, where are we going?" I inquired, stuffing my hands into my pockets. The turian placed a talon on my head and I roughly shrugged his hand off.

"Thought it might be fun to take you to the shooting range before your appointment with Chakwas. You know, the range in C-sec academy. Let you take out some anger on some holograms," Vakarian explained, opening the front door and letting me exit first. Garrus's apartment was located in the wards, which was still under repair from the Reaper attack.

Which the Council was trying to play off as a Geth attack.

Still, the Citadel was almost completely repaired. New shops were springing up on top of ones that had been completely destroyed. Choras Den was gone though, as was Flux.

I was still waiting for a new club to open. Not that Garrus and Chakwas would let me go willingly.

"Oh fun, the shooting range," I cheered, sounding the opposite of eager. "Come on Garrus, I'm not that great with weapons. You'll be getting headshots the whole time while I barely hit them."

"You weren't too bad with the Normandy's guns."

"Completely different Vakarian," I grumbled. "And I don't want to talk about the Normandy."

Garrus gave me a gentle look. "Well, looks like that isn't a trigger anymore."

"I guess therapy's helping then," I mumbled, averting my gaze and following slightly behind Garrus. Chakwas had a list of all my triggers. Since I'd been moved to the Citadel, we'd probably halved that list.

I still couldn't fly though. Even stepping into a skycar… it was just too much. And as much as I missed it, I was so damn afraid of stepping onto another ship. Space travel wasn't possible unless I'd been properly sedated.

"It is," Garrus confirmed. "You might not see it… but you're more recognizable now."

"I'm never going to be the same as I was before, you know," I reminded him bluntly, brown eyes looking over the stores and the people.

"I know."

"I'm trying now, though. To get better," I sighed, brushing my bangs out of my face and looking up at the turian. He glanced down at me, a glint of sadness in his eyes. I was broken, Garrus knew. But unlike before when I was on Earth… When I was drinking every day, crying all the time, pushing all of them away…

Now I was healing. Thanks to him and Karin, I was starting to get better. Even if every breath I took hurt, and every time I saw the stars I… I relapsed… I was starting to get better.

"Have you spoken to any of the old crew lately?" Garrus asked me finally. I shook my head. I stopped talking to Kaidan. I was too afraid to face to Jeff. Last time I spoke to Tali she told me that she was going to be hard to contact for a while. "I hear Wrex is back on Tuchanka. Not sure what Liara's up to."

"I hope that they're doing well," I mumbled.

Garrus helped me choose a sniper rifle at the shooting range. It took me a few weeks, but eventually I got the hang of it.

I was better with pistols.

My appointments with Chakwas were a bit of a blur. She'd ask me questions, I'd started getting more talkative. Garrus started taking me to the gym with him.

I was getting better.

"Have you spoken to the old crew recently?" Chakwas asked me with a smile.

"No," I answered. "Can you teach me how to treat dislocated bones?"

Garrus was getting fed up with more and more people on the Citadel. He'd started taking me to the gym and the shooting range less. Chakwas was teaching me more about different injuries and how to treat them; Garrus started to join in, learning alongside me.

"Why do you want to learn about medicine?" he'd asked me the next time we'd gone to the shooting range.

I didn't want anyone else to die on me.

"I like learning new things," I replied softly. "And maybe if someone's hurt, and I'm nearby… I'll be able to save them."

Eventually Garrus and I started eating our meals together, and I'd started leaving the apartment by myself to meet up with him at C-sec when he was done work. I was able to ignore the part of me that screamed for alcohol, and Chakwas told me I was a natural when it came to dealing with injuries. I liked to think that maybe… they were proud of me.

And maybe if Sabrina were here, she'd be proud of me too.

I'd sobered up. Chakwas was working on getting me into a medical school or even an internship at the hospital she'd been working at. Garrus was impressed by how well I could handle a gun now.

Then things started to change.

Garrus started talking about how he couldn't stand C-sec anymore, how he couldn't stand any of the politicians on the Citadel. And I started to notice things… like how Garrus was broken too. Just a crack, but it was there.

He knew Sabrina wouldn't have let the Council just ignore the Reaper threat.

"Karin, do you think I'm selfish?" I questioned the older woman. She froze for a moment, before looking at me with sad eyes.

"What makes you think that Kim?" she inquired, making a note on her datapad.

I frowned, averting my gaze and moving my hands to my hair, undoing it from its braid and redoing it. "You and Garrus… you're sad about Sabrina's death too," I noted. Karin nodded. "But instead of breaking down like I did, you're helping me instead. I just… I feel like I should have been stronger, and helped you guys too."

Karin let out a short laugh, smiling at me gently. "Oh believe me, having you here has helped me Kim. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to teach someone medicine. Have you spoken to Garrus about this?"

I shook my head, no. "He's been distant lately," I told her honestly. "I guess… I'll talk to him when I get back. "

The doctor nodding approvingly, then changed the subject. "I spoke to Joker the other day. Maybe it would be good for you to talk to him too."

My entire body stiffened up, my eyes widening in panic. "No, no," I choked out. "I don't want to talk to him Karin. I can't, please don't make me talk to him."

The last time I talked to him… The last time I did…

" _This is your fault. It's your fault she's dead."_

I couldn't face him again. I'd treated him so horribly, the man I'd called my best friend… It was my fault Sabrina died, not his… he probably hated me now.

Of course he hated me now, I was a horrible person. I killed Sabrina and tried to pin the blame on him.

Her eyes looking into mine, accepting. Space sucking her away.

I began tugging on the sleeves of my hoodie, eyes darting around erratically. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe. Firm hands gripped my shoulders, teal eyes staring into mine.

"Kim, you need to calm down. You're safe, I'm here."

Tears pooled in my eyes and I sniffled, Karin pulling me into a hug and rubbing my back. Once I'd calmed down, I helped Chakwas organize some medical supplies for a bit before heading back to the apartment. Garrus was waiting for me there.

I saw a duffle bag by the door.

"Hey Kim," he greeted. "We need to talk."

My stomach sank.

"I've quit C-sec," the turian told me calmly. "I'm going to be leaving for a while."

"Where are you going?" I asked him meekly, wringing my hands together.

His blue eyes had a small amount of guilt in them. "If I told you, you'd want to come with me."

"You're right," I agreed, walking past him and taking a seat on the couch. "I already want to go with you and I don't even know where you're going."

Garrus chuckled, shaking his head. "You're staying here. Think of it as housesitting till I come back."

"I'm going to throw so many parties."

"Of course you are," Garrus took the spot next to me. "Will you be okay without me?"

"…I still have Chakwas," I shrugged, looking off to the side. "I'll be fine Garrus." I wasn't sure I would be. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I will be," he replied. "I just need some time away from here."

I leaned my head against his arm. The thought of living here alone made me feel… a bit defeated. But if Garrus needed to leave, what right did I have to stop him? "Just… don't forget to call. And if you disappear forever I'll never forgive you."

"I'm glad we're friends."

"Me too."

I walked with him to the door, forcing a smile onto my face as he left. Locking the door behind him, I let the smile fall away.

I was alone.


	3. The Lazarus Project

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!!! Hope you all enjoy it. MIGHT be able to post another on Friday, but that's only if I finish writing the one I've started on...

Joining Cerberus wasn't exactly the best thing I'd decided to do in my life; that was for sure. They were a terrorist organization, they were the ones that caused the events on Akuze.

But they also promised me Sabrina.

"Miranda, I'm done all my work for the day," I called out to the project leader. The beautiful, tall, dark haired woman nodded at me and I exited her office, making my way to the stations mess hall to grab something to eat.

Not too long after Garrus had left I'd been accepted into a medical school on the Citadel. I kept myself busy, going to appointments with Chakwas, studying, going to class, and heading to the gym or the shooting range when I had free time. I'd been determined not to let myself fall further into my depression. I was going to become someone Sabrina would be proud of. Some days were harder than others…

I'd had to regretfully admit to Karin that I'd turned to the bottle a couple of times. Without Garrus there to keep an eye on me, and because she'd been too busy at times… I felt like I just didn't have anything else to turn to.

But I was still getting better, I mean, I didn't drink every day anymore. I hadn't done that since I'd left Earth. Just a bottle every now and then. And never hard liquor anymore, because back when Sabrina was alive… I'd hated it. And since she was coming back now, I had to be recognizable by her.

I had to try harder to be the way I used to be, even if I knew it was never going to happen.

"Hey Kogan," I turned around to see Jacob Taylor, one of the soldiers that also stayed in the station. "On your break?"

I shook my head. "Done for the day. Going to grab some food, visit Sabrina then go into the flight simulator for a bit," I listed.

The man looked at me suspiciously. "Did Chakwas clear you for that?" he inquired.

I grinned back at him. "No, but it's not like I'm actually flying something Jacob. I'll be fine."

"You know that it's a trigger for you Miss Kogan," he scolded, crossing his arms. "We had to sedate you just to get you to the station."

"What, did Miranda ask you to babysit me again?" I mocked, glaring up at him. "Look Jacob, I can take care of myself. I can look out a window now and not have a panic attack, I'd call that progress."

Miranda had been the one that approached me a couple of months ago as I was getting out of class. She wanted to recruit me and Karin, and I was eager to accept her offer.

She promised me Sabrina.

Just the promise of Sabrina was enough to help me recover so much more. I could take rapid transit on the Citadel, I could look out a window and see the stars and not have a panic attack.

The one thing I was still having difficulty with?

Flying.

Well, that and talking to Jeff. Some days I would think about sending him a message… But then…

"No, she didn't," Jacob denied, scowling. "I'm just worried about you."

I winked at the man. "How sweet. Anyways, I'm going to go now."

Jacob shook his head, smiling. "I'll check up on you later."

"Ah, Jacob Taylor. The eternal babysitter," I mused. He let out a laugh at the title, letting me leave without complaint.

But I knew he'd report what I was doing to Miranda and Karin, so I probably wouldn't be able to try using the flight simulator without someone peering over my shoulder.

Oh well. There wasn't much I could do about that, and I understand why they wanted me to be careful with it. But I was getting better.

Soon I'd have Sabrina back.

An alert from my Omni-tool caused me to roll my eyes. Yup, Jacob had told Karin. Karin was at the Minuteman station right now, meeting some of the other people that had been recruited for Sabrina's new crew, so that was why she wasn't charging up to me in person with a stern expression on her face. "Hello Karin, how are you?" I drawled.

" _You're not using the flight simulator alone,"_ The doctor stated bluntly.

"It's so nice to talk to you too Karin!" I sassed back, mouthing a thank you to a Cerberus agent who'd been kind enough to hand me a tray of food. They smiled back at me and nodded, and I headed to one of the tables to eat by myself. "You know what I wanted to talk to you about? The amount of white Cerberus uses. Makes me feel like I'm in a hospital."

I could feel her disapproval. _"Trying to change the subject now, Miss Kogan?"_

"Yes," I replied with a shrug, though she couldn't see it. "And Karin, it's going to be Flight Officer Kogan again soon. You know, if I can actually fly by the time Sabrina wakes up."

" _You'll be able to fly eventually Kim, don't try and force yourself. Please,"_ Karin sighed.

"I won't force myself," I assured. "So Karin, how does the new crew seem? Have you met my new pilot yet?" I questioned her, curious. Other than Karin and I, there didn't seem to be anyone else from the original Normandy.

" _They're quite nice. And your new pilot is… Well, you'll see,"_ Karin answered, attempting to drop the subject.

"Just tell me if it's a girl or not!" I pleaded.

Karin let out a short laugh. _"Sadly, it's not."_

I let out a disappointed sigh. "Sometimes I feel like the only other female pilots are Asari. Anyways, I'm eating now Karin, then I'm checking on Sabrina. Can we talk later?"

" _Tell Shepard I say hello, and make sure someone's nearby when you go into the flight simulator just in case you relapse."_

"If you're lucky, Jacob will stalk me there," I shrugged.

" _Ah, your sense of humor is finally coming back,"_ the doctor noted.

I pulled the lid off my food, the smallest of smiles appearing on my face. "Isn't it wonderful?"

" _A little bit more sarcastic than it used to be, but it is refreshing to hear,"_ Karin agreed. _"Enjoy your meal Kim. Have a good night."_

"You too Karin!" I turned off my earpiece after she'd hung up, and began to dig into my meal: Steamed carrots and grilled chicken breast, with a side of fresh rice. Cerberus really spared no expense here, researchers got good food (or at least better than ship food), and the pay was nice…

Too bad they were a terrorist organization.

Finishing off my meal, I put my tray away, grabbing a granola bar and heading towards the bio wing of the station. Wilson was there, checking a few things on his datapad. He stopped and turned to face me as I entered, looking grumpy as usual.

Really, I didn't mind Wilson that much. He wasn't too fond of Miranda's standoffish attitude, and he was always willing to let me have my time with Sabrina. I genuinely thought of him as a nice guy, just in his own grouchy way.

Kind of like what Jeff was like back in Flight School. Except, well, Wilson was a bit more of a prick.

The room Sabrina was located in had a very hospital-like feel to it; with medical equipment and scanners neatly organized on the side walls. Closer to the back of the room was Sabrina, laying on a metal examination table.

"Kim, nice to see you," Wilson grumbled.

"Hey Wilson, Miranda getting you down?" I inquired, tossing him the granola before approaching Sabrina and placing a gentle hand on her head, combing her hair with my fingers.

She just looked like she was sleeping. There were a few scars on her face still, but other than that she looked just like she had two years ago. Her chest was rising and falling…

If it weren't for the fact that I'd watched her get spaced, I probably wouldn't have known that she'd been dead. She just looked so… normal now.

"She wants me to keep running numbers," the man growled, unwrapping the granola bar and taking a bite. "Shepard should be up soon. Maybe a week."

I grinned at that. "I can't wait!"

Wilson smirked, nodding. "Well, I'll leave you to this then. How long are you going to talk to her?"

"Not too long," I answered. "Going to check out the flight simulator after this, so maybe ten minutes? Then you can get back to work."

"Sounds good to me," Wilson called, exiting the room.

I stared down at Sabrina, sitting myself on the table she'd been set on. "You know, I've been bugging Miranda to get you a real bed. She says this is a bed, but you don't even have a pillow. I mean, sleeping on metal can't be _that_ comfortable." A grin appeared on my face. "Oh, and Karin says hi."

I sat in silence for a few moments, pressing a few buttons on my omni-tool and playing some music. Ed Sheeran because, well… we both liked his tunes. As the song began to play in the background, I noticed a bit of movement on one of the consoles. Brain activity, that was good. Made sense too, if she was going to wake up soon. "Hey Sabs, I was just fooling around on the extranet and I found this song and I thought you'd like it. I'd sing for you, but… well, I haven't really been much of a singer lately."

If she was awake, she'd tackle me and refuse to let me go until I tried.

"Well, I guess I could try," I sighed, jumping off the table and peering around to check if anyone would see or hear me.

Then again, even if there wasn't anyone near me right now; there were probably cameras. Watching me. Listening. All the time. I felt my stomach twist uncomfortably at the thought.

"I'll wait till you're awake," I decided, resting my hand on her shoulder. "And look? My hairs super long now. It's grown like, eighteen inches. You can braid it if you want."

I saw Wilson poke his head into the room, and I took that as my cue to leave. I gave Sabrina a kiss on the cheek, grinning down at her. "Sorry Sabs, I've gotta go. Can't wait till you can actually respond."

"She doing good?" Wilson inquired as I passed him. I beamed at him.

"Yeah, she's doing good," I confirmed. "A little bit of brain activity," I reported, gesturing back towards the console. Wilson seemed a bit off today, but I put the thought at the back of my mind. I had to prepare myself…

After all, I was going to try and use the flight simulator.

Hopefully this time I wouldn't freak out too much.

Luckily when I arrived in the training wing of the station, most people were already done for the day. That meant less people to make me anxious, and more time alone. I had to do this alone.

And thankfully, I couldn't see Jacob. Most likely, he was meeting with Miranda. If he was following me though, I supposed he'd be trying not to be seen by me.

Damn it.

I looked over my shoulder suspiciously, letting out a sigh and shaking my head. I couldn't keep worrying about that sort of thing. Cerberus was watching me anyways, what did it matter if someone I knew was watching me too?

…Yeah, nope. It still mattered.

I stepped inside of the flight simulator, feeling my heart drop. There were so many controls, and I could see the stars.

I could see the stars again.

A small smile appeared on my face, and I touched the screen gently.

At least that wasn't a trigger anymore. I missed the stars. They still kind of scared me, but… I could do this. I had to.

For Sabrina.

Taking a seat, I activated the aero-gel controls. Alarms blared in my mind. Systems malfunctioning, the ship was going down. We couldn't save her, we couldn't-

"CP, snap out of it," a familiar voice ordered.

I jumped in my seat, turning my head around to see…

Jeff.

My heart throbbed painfully in my chest.

He hadn't changed a bit. His horrible hat hair was still hidden underneath his hat, his beard was neatly trimmed. There was a sparkle of amusement in his green eyes. He limped forward, leaning against the flight simulators pilot seat. "This isn't the Normandy," he reminded, rolling his eyes. "It's a flight simulator. Don't tell me you can't even handle a flight simulator."

"I can handle it!" I argued, still trying to get over the shock that he was there.

"Then prove it," the pilot smirked. "Because you look like you have no idea what you're doing."

"I know what I'm doing," I grumbled, turning away from it and focusing on the controls. "You just surprised me. I… I haven't seen you in a while, okay?"

This just felt surreal. We were interacting so… normally. Like nothing had happened.

Like Sabrina hadn't died.

"And I haven't seen you fly yet," he shot back. I pursed my lips, glaring at the controls. "Check your systems before takeoff."

"Yes sir," I replied, eyes darting over the screens. It was kind of funny just how… quickly everything was coming back to me. "Everything's green," I confirmed.

"Let's go then," Jeff snapped. "Try not to take all day CP."

"You're a prick," I muttered, my hands gliding over the controls. "Show up out of nowhere to order me around. Not cool."

Jeff clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "Insubordination CP, I'm still your superior."

"I'm not Alliance anymore," I shot back, fighting the smile that was threatening to appear on my lips. "But fine, I'm sorry, okay?"

"That's what you're apologizing for? Really?" he mocked, but I could hear the smile in his voice.

My heart ached. I didn't deserve this; he was being too nice.

Why wasn't he angry at me?

"CP, focus," he ordered. "You're definitely not going to impress Shepard with this kind of flying."

Wait…

"Don't think, just fly," Jeff snapped.

I gulped, nodding. He guided me through the simulation, and an hour later I'd finally finished. No panic attacks, my score was decent…

"Thank you," I mumbled, not meeting his gaze.

"What are you thanking me for? This was all you," Jeff grinned. "Good job CP."

My heart clenched.

"Jeff, I…" I started, raising my head to look up at him.

He was gone.

No one was there.

I bit my lip.

No one had been in the simulator with me, at all. This entire time I'd just… imagined him there with me. Imagined him helping me because I couldn't do it alone.

But I was alone.

I laughed quietly to myself. Of course he wasn't there, if it was really Jeff he wouldn't have been that nice to me. Plus, how would he have been on the station? He wasn't Cerberus.

Karin would have told me if he was.

A tear slid down my cheek. That's when I heard the alarms, real alarms. Notifications swarmed my omni-tool. It was Miranda. I wiped my face quickly, answering the call.

"Hello?" I spoke, turning on my earpiece.

" _Officer Kogan, make your way towards the emergency shuttles. Someone's hacked the security mechs and they're attacking everyone,"_ Miranda spoke, calm.

People were dying. Why was she so calm?! What about Sabrina?!

Panic began to spread through my chest. "What do you mean go to the shuttles? What about Sabrina?"

" _Don't worry about Shepard, I'm waking her up,"_ Miranda told me. _"Just follow your orders Officer Kogan. We need you at those shuttles in case any wounded go there."_

I bit my lip, torn. If Sabrina was waking up, I had to be there. I had to protect her, keep her safe… But if there were wounded people…

" _Do you hear me Officer Kogan?"_ Miranda snapped. _There aren't as many mechs in the training wing, so make your way out of there now!"_

"Yes Miranda," I replied, monotone. My hand wrapped around the pistol I kept on me just in case of emergencies, holding it up. "Making my way out of the training wing now."

" _Good. I'll meet up with you after I've secured Shepard."_

Miranda had far more combat training than me. It was better if she or Jacob got to Sabrina first, I reasoned. I let out a breath, peeking around the corner to make sure it was clear before making my way down the hallway. A single mech turned a corner farther down.

"You got this, CP," I muttered to myself, aiming my pistol and firing. Two shots later, it fell.

How many heat sinks did I have? I began doing the math in my head. I kept two spare thermal clips with me, and my pistol had twelve rounds each clip. I'd already used three so…

That meant that I had nine more shots before I'd need to pop the heatsink, and then twenty-four after that if I didn't find any more clips. Thirty-three shots…

I'd be able to kill at least eleven mechs as long as I didn't fail at aiming. I wouldn't be able to get them in one shot like Garrus, but maybe two if I was lucky…

"You got this, CP," I repeated, letting out a shaky breath and carefully making my way out of training wing. Two down… Three down… Damn it, I wasn't aiming well. "You need to focus. You're definitely not going to impress Shepard with this kind of shooting."

When I finally got to the shuttles, I was disheartened to see that no one else was there.

No one else.

Miranda stumbled in a few moments later, bleeding; an angry expression on her face. I ran towards her to help, sitting her down and administering medi-gel; making sure that she hadn't broken anything. "So, have you figured out who was hacking the mechs?" I asked her softy, keeping my gaze away from hers.

The woman scoffed. "Wilson."

I froze. I'd been with him not that long ago. He'd been so, well, normal. What the hell happened? "O," I uttered softly, resuming first aid procedure now that I'd processed what had happened. "How's Sabrina?"

Miranda was silent.

"Miranda," I pressed. "Where's Sabrina?"

"She's with Jacob and Wilson," Miranda responded darkly.

My heart jumped out of my chest, Miranda placing a hand on my shoulder at my panicked expression.

"Jacob's with her, she'll be fine. And believe me, I am not about to let Wilson walk out of here," the older woman told me firmly, standing up. She readied her weapon, walking towards the door, and I turned my head in her direction.

Someone was trying to unlock the door.

"C'mon, through here. We're almost at the…"

My gaze hardened.

Wilson.

It opened, and I could see him. He betrayed us. He was trying to use the mechs to kill Sabrina, and by doing that he'd killed every other person on this station.

What an asshole.

He knew he was screwed. His eyes widened in shock, nervous when he saw the beautiful woman. "Miranda? But you were-"

She shot him in the neck. "Dead?" She finished coldly. I stomped right up to the man, aiming my pistol and firing the rest of my rounds into his body.

I wish that he'd suffered. He deserved to suffer.

Jacob ran up with a fire in his eyes, knocking my gun out of my hand; disarming me. "What the hell are you two doing?" he asked us, horrified.

"I'm doing my job," Miranda replied haughtily. "Wilson betrayed us all."

"He's the one that hacked into the mechs and killed everyone!" I exclaimed, enraged, glaring at Jacob.

"…Kimmy?"

My head snapped eyes, my eyes meeting with hers.

Sabrina's dark brown eyes.

She looked pleasantly surprised, excited, rushing towards me with open arms. "Kimmy! Oh my god," she beamed at me. "Your hair, it's so long now! I hardly recognized you!"

I felt completely frozen.

She hardly recognized me?

Awkwardly, I wrapped my arms around her as she pulled me into a hug. Once she released me and took a step back, I forced a smile onto my face as she grinned at me cheekily.

"You're still so short though. I'm mad at myself for not realizing it was you right away," Sabrina told me with a shrug of her shoulders.

"I missed you!" I blurted, cheeks reddening. Sabrina gushed, pinching my cheeks and nuzzling me. I felt tears spring to my eyes, finally it was real.

She was back, Sabrina was back.

I was so happy, and relieved.

…Alas, I wasn't able to savor the moment.

"Shepard," Miranda cut in. "Let's get onto a shuttle. My boss wants to speak with you. Officer Kogan, think you'll be able to fly?"

I nodded, smiling, taking Sabrina's hand and looking up at her. "We'll catch up later," I decided, turning to look at Miranda. "Minuteman Station, I assume?"

"Correct," Miranda confirmed. I nodded, letting Sabrina tug on my braid before shaking her off and stepping inside the shuttle. Taking a seat, I took a deep breathe.

This time, it wasn't a simulator. I'd actually be flying.

For the first time in two years.

"You got this CP," Jeff announced. I glanced to my side, seeing him there.

"You're just in my head," I muttered, checking the shuttles systems and preparing to fly. The Imagination-Jeff chuckled, nodding in response.

"You weren't going to listen to yourself," he explained, letting out a sigh. A small smile appeared on my lips, and I looked away from him guiltily.

He… I was right.

"I probably shouldn't tell Chakwas about this, should I Imagination-Jeff?"

He shook his head, placing his hand over mine; but I didn't feel anything, and I wasn't sure if that was because Jeff had never touched my hand or because I was only imagining that he was there with me. "Nah," he told me softly. "I think you're fine."


	4. Freedom's Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my homegirl RiriYuki for being a constant source of reviews and inspiration! I love you girl!!!
> 
> And another shout out to all the peeps that left kudos! (but if you could leave reviews too, my lovely readers, I'd appreciate it. I'm a bit of a review whore.)

My hands wouldn't stop shaking. We'd docked in the Minuteman station, and now Sabrina was talking to the Illusive Man. I sat near Jacob, trying to calm myself down.

I flew. I flew, and I didn't screw up.

I placed my hands on my head, leaning over and hiding my face. God, it had been so scary but… I did it. And now we were safe at the Minuteman Station. Sabrina was safe.

_Calm down CP._

"Kim, you're shaking," Jacob noted. I shot upwards, dropping my hands to my side. "Are you alright?" he asked me, concerned.

"I'm fine," I answered, giving him a small smile and a thumbs up. "Don't worry about me Eternal Babysitter. I'm just a little tired from everything that's happened."

"Officer Kogan, prepare the shuttle for another flight," Miranda ordered, sitting in front of her console. I glanced over at her and nodded, standing up. Jacob reached out and grabbed my wrist, glaring at Miranda.

"Come on Miranda, look at her. She's in no shape to fly," Jacob argued with the woman.

"What's this guy going on about CP? You're not some helpless little girl," Jeff grumbled. I kept my eyes on Jacob, surprised that he was stepping in since he really didn't have to.

"We have a job to do, Jacob," Miranda scoffed. "Officer Kogan's job is to fly, is it not?"

"Doctor Chakwas is on the station, she should check Kim out," Jacob stated forcefully. "She hasn't been cleared for flight yet. What if she has a panic attack? We're lucky that she didn't have one when we were heading here!"

I pulled my wrist free from Jacob's grasp, keeping my mouth clenched shut. I didn't have a panic attack, I flew! Chakwas would be so proud if I told her! She'd be so, so proud of me for flying without freaking out.

Ignoring Jacob, I headed towards the shuttles in silence; shooting the man a glare when he tried once more to stop me.

"Looks like she's fine with it," Miranda noted, returning her attention to her console. Doors closed behind me, and I clenched my fists

The Eternal Babysitter. God, why couldn't he just let me take care of myself? The only one that I would allow to be overprotective of me was Sabrina.

Or Garrus. Not that I'd heard from him in a while.

"Nope, not going to keep thinking about that," I sighed, walking down the hall and arriving at the shuttle docks. Activating my omni-tool, I started to scan the shuttle. "There's a good amount of fuel… No damage done to it on the flight here. Yeah, there shouldn't be any problems…" I mumbled to myself.

Someone grabbed me from behind.

My instant reaction was to kick my leg back and try to hit whoever it was in the knee. They fell over, pulling me down with them.

"Kimmy!" Sabrina whined. I stared, slightly dazed at the woman. "I was going in to hug you! You've never done that to me before. Why are you so cruel?" she cried, placing her hands on my shoulders and shaking me slightly.

I felt absolutely horrified with myself. "I'm so sorry," I sniffled, tears springing straight to my eyes. I'd kicked Sabrina. Two years ago, if anyone had hugged me from behind I wouldn't have batted an eyelash. I would have grinned, laughed, tumbled to the ground and rolled with her. Seeing my expression, Sabrina's eyes widened in surprised, pulling me into a hug.

"No, no it's my fault!" Sabrina insisted. "I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that, please don't be sad Kimmy!"

"I'm not sad, I'm happy!" Frantically, I wiped at my eyes, stumbling to my feet before helping Sabrina up. "I swear, next time you do that I won't be so jumpy," I promised, fighting back the tears. The commander gave me a gentle smile, tucking a few loose strands of my hair behind my ear.

"I love that you grew your hair out," she complimented. "I can't wait to play with it!"

"That will have to wait till later, Commander," Miranda cut in; entering the shuttle bay. "Officer Kogan, Cadet Haggerty will be flying us to Freedom's Progress. Head to the armory and get yourself some armor and a weapon, you're coming with us topside."

Sabrina raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "We're bringing Kim topside?" she asked, doubtful. "No offense Miranda, but Kim isn't exactly the best with a gun."

I smirked at Miranda, gesturing to Sabrina. "Oh, she's going to be in for a treat."

Miranda was just as amused as I was, nodding and turning her gaze to Sabrina. "Commander, remember that you've missed a lot these past two years. Officer Kogan was trained by your old companion; Garrus Vakarian, for the first year. She was also going to a medical school on the Citadel."

Sabrina gaped at me. "Kimmy, you went to school? I'm so proud of you!" She gushed, tackling me in a hug. I gave her a weak smile, shrugging.

"I never finished," I mumbled, averting my gaze. "I'd just started the fall semester when Cerberus picked me up. Before that I just did the spring and summer semesters, and medical school takes four years so I didn't really do much school. And during the first year Chakwas was training me with simple medical things when Garrus wasn't taking me to the gym or the shooting range."

"But Kimmy you did almost a whole year of school!" Sabrina beamed. "That's amazing, you're amazing! Of course, Garrus was the one to train you in guns… and he's second best compared to me, so we can work on that. Soon you'll be shooting like an expert!"

"Shepard, why don't you follow Officer Kogan to the armory," Miranda suggested. "You can choose a more suitable weapon than that pistol from earlier."

Sabrina agreed, and so the two of us made our way to the armory. "Will they even have armor that will fit you? You're still so tiny!"

"I grew half an inch," I stated bluntly, leading her through the station. The armory wasn't too far from the shuttle bay after all, and even though I'd spent most of my time on the Lazarus Station, I'd been here a couple of times before for fittings and such.

…Because I was so short.

I blamed genetics. Sure, I didn't know for sure if my parents were short or not, but that had to be the reason that Sabrina grew to 5'8 and I was doomed to be 5'2 and a half forever. Seriously, everyone was taller than me. I was certain that the only ones that weren't taller than me were Volus. It was annoying! Even Tali was a little bit taller than me, and she was three years younger.

Entering the armory, I went straight to the locker marked with my name. I'd gotten one here simply because the Illusive Man had expected me to go back and forth between the stations often.

I didn't, really. If I could help it, I wanted to be as close to Sabrina as possible.

"Can I see your armor?" Sabrina asked me, and I nodded; pulling the pieces out.

"Kestrel Torso Sheath," I told her, pulling out my chest piece. "It glows blue. I like that on armor. Then I've got some strength boost pads for my shoulders because I need that."

"Of course you do," Sabrina snickered. "What else you got?"

I tossed my gauntlets at her. "Offhand ammo pack. Would have been nice if I had this when the mechs were attacking. Kestral greaves for my legs, medical pack… and then I have a visor. Helps with aiming."

Sabrina tossed my gauntlets back at me. "See, if I'd been training you this whole time you wouldn't even need a visor. Damn it Garrus!"

A smile grew on my lips and I rolled my eyes at the older woman. "He was a good teacher, don't be too hard on him. I was better at the medical training anyways," I shrugged, taking off my fatigues and reaching for some under armor from my locker. Sabrina poked my stomach, grinning.

"You got so fit! I guess I can praise Garrus for that," Sabrina decided, nodding. "Okay, I'm going to grab myself a few guns."

I pointed out the weapons locker to her, Sabrina heading over there while I changed. Medium armor, much better for me than light armor. Especially the strength boost pads. Sure, working out had helped me a lot but sniper rifles were far too big. I looked up in thought, what was I forgetting… Oh, right. I pulled a few photos out of the pocket of my fatigues. One was the one of me, Sabrina, and Damian back when the two of us were kids. The other was from before karaoke, with me, Ash, and Tali posing behind Jeff. The last one was the most recent, of me and Garrus when we were living together on one of my better days. A wave of nostalgia and sadness went through me, and I tucked the photos under my armor and over my heart. After that I headed over to Sabrina at the weapons locker. "So, what kind of gun are you going to use?"

"SMG," Sabrina answered with a smile. "What about you?"

I looked up at the sniper rifles, taking the M-29 Incisor sniper rifle of the shelf and sticking it onto my back. I already had a heavy pistol on my hip. "Jacob and Miranda aren't snipers, you aren't a sniper. Depending on what we go up against on Freedom's Progress, I might want to stay back."

"I'm encouraging that line of thought," Sabrina stated. "So, why aren't you going to be flying the shuttle now?"

My heart started to beat a bit rapidly, and I turned away from her. "Well, Haggerty needs the practice," I told her with a shrug. It was true, the kid really did. I'd only met him once, and he was over eager and easily distracted. Not the first guy I'd choose to fly a shuttle, but I'd bet anything that Jacob had fought to keep me from flying. "And well, I haven't flown that much lately. I haven't been cleared by Chakwas yet," I admitted after a moment. I glanced back, seeing Sabrina looking a bit confused by that, and gave her a quick smile. "It's no big deal. Cerberus hired me to fly for you so it's not like I'm never going to fly. If you end up sticking with Cerberus, I'll be co-piloting on the ship they give you."

"Why would you need to be cleared to fly?" Sabrina pressed, puzzled. Before I could answer, Jacob entered the armory.

"Shuttles ready to go you two," he announced. I fought the urge to glare at him. The Eternal Babysitter.

"Okay, we're about done here, right Kimmy?" Sabrina slung an arm around my shoulders, and I nodded at her.

The flight to Freedom's Progress was uneventful.

"We should be there shortly, Shepard," Miranda announced. "The Illusive Man put us under your command. Do you have any orders?"

A part of me got the feeling that Miranda wasn't too happy to not be in charge anymore. And I was certain that Sabrina had gotten the same feeling. "Are you sure you'll be comfortable following my orders?" the commander inquired, keeping her eyes on the two Cerberus officers. She didn't see me as one of them.

To her, I was Kim. She could trust me, but Miranda and Jacob were strangers.

"We didn't bring you back from the dead just to second guess you, Commander," Jacob answered. "If the Illusive Man says you're in charge, you're in charge."

I was surprised Miranda didn't answer.

"Well then, what makes you think that this investigation will turn up anything new?" Sabrina asked them, and still… Miranda wasn't speaking.

Jacob was. "At other colonies, official investigators got there first," Jacob explained. "Sometimes looters or salvage teams as well. We're hoping to be the first ones there this time. Maybe find clues before somebody else disturbs the scene."

Sabrina nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, our first priority is to look for survivors," she decided.

Miranda frowned. "That's unlikely, Commander. No one was left at the other colonies," the tactician stated. "They were completely deserted."

"It would be nice to find someone, though," I put in, inspecting my gun.

Jacob nodded in agreement. "Anything's better than another ghost town."

"My order still stands then," Sabrina declared. "Finding survivors is our first priority."

Landing on Eden Prime, I exited the shuttle first. Sabrina followed after me, SMG in hand. The colony felt… lifeless. It was too quiet. It was cold too, some frost on the ground.

I didn't like it.

My stomach twisted uncomfortably and I bit my lip, sticking my pistol onto my hip and pulling the sniper rifle off my back. "So, what does everyone think about this place so far?"

"No comment," Miranda walked past me, pistol in hand. Jacob shrugged, following after her.

"It's too quiet," Sabrina noted, taking point. I followed behind her cautiously. The four of us entered the first building, the lights flickering on.

…A dining hall.

Half eaten meals sat on the table, a few cups there too.

"Looks like everyone just got up and left right in the middle of dinner," Jacob commented. I poked a cup with my rifle, staying silent. We exited on the other side of the building, heading deeper into the colony. Miranda inspected the area, looking incredibly focused.

"Strange. No bodies, no structural damage, no signs of battle," she voiced.

"No clues," I added darkly, the four of us continuing on our way. Sabrina used her omni-tool to open a large gate, and that's when things got interesting.

Shots were fired at us. Mechs. Sabrina dived to cover while I knelt down and lined up a shot. I was far enough away from them that they couldn't aim at me properly anyways.

"Hear that?" Jacob called, kneeling behind some crates. "Sounds like FENRIS mechs."

"Strange," Miranda murmured. "Security systems were disabled at the other colonies."

"Miranda, Kim! Overload their systems!" Sabrina ordered, poking out of cover and shooting at one of them. I had to get closer. I charged forward, dropping down behind some metal fencing and tapping on my omni-tool. Hacking into one of the mechs, filling its systems with junk information… I heard a blast behind me, mechs exploding, and Sabrina gave me a thumbs up. "Good job Kim!" she cheered. I nodded back at her, rolling out of the way as some other mechs swarmed us from the side. I let out a heavy breath, tightening my grip on my rifle and leaving cover to shoot. Sabrina began slamming them to the ground with her biotics, Miranda and Jacob firing at them with their weapons. Once all of them were down, I reloaded.

"Those mechs shouldn't have been hostile," Jacob stated, frowning. "They should have recognized us as human."

Miranda leaned down next to one of the fallen mechs, scanning it with her omni-tool. "Someone reprogrammed them to attack on sight. We're not alone here."

"Maybe that's a good thing," Sabrina shrugged, leading us towards another building. Sleeping quarters. I saw a med kit on the bed by the back wall, sticking my sniper rifle onto my back and heading straight for it.

"If we run into bigger mechs or injured survivors, having spare medical supplies will be helpful," I told Sabrina at her questioning look; placing the medigel and bandages into my medical pack.

Sabrina nodded understandingly. "I'll check the wall safe," she declared, opening the security circuit. "Um, wow. This looks complex. Kimmy, do you have any omni-gel?"

"Omni-gel doesn't work anymore Sabs," I explained, moving towards her. "Here, I'll bypass the security on the lock."

She moved out of the way, and I tapped on my omni-tool, unlocking the circuits. The wall safe sprung open, and the two of us peered inside.

There was a small box, and a photograph of a beautiful smiling girl. Sabrina popped the box open, and I felt a stab through my heart.

It was a wedding ring.

They were probably going to propose soon, but then…

"Nothing useful in here Sabs, let's just put it back," I suggested, smiling weakly before walking outside. I heard the sound of mechs, and reached down for my pistol. "Guys!" I shouted, aiming at the mechs that activated. Miranda was the first to react, throwing one into the air with her biotics while I shot at the other one with my pistol.

The door to the next cube like building was locked, and I began to unlock it. "You want to go in here next Sabs?" I called. The commander nodded, readying her weapon.

Jacob, Miranda, and Sabrina entered first, guns drawn. "Stop right there!" an accented man shouted, and I peered past Sabrina to see…

Quarians.

What were quarians doing on Freedom's Progress?

Another quarian stepped forward, placing one hand hand on her companions shoulder and using her other one to lower his weapon. Purple armor… "Prazza!" she snapped. "You said you'd let me handle this!"

That voice…

She turned around, Sabrina lowering her weapon.

It was Tali.

"Wait…" she started, shocked. "Shepard?"

Sabrina glanced at Miranda, she and Jacob lowering their weapons understandingly. The one Tali called Prazza raised his weapon again. "I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives!" he spat.

"Put those weapons down!" Tali ordered them, angry, turning back to us almost… shyly. "Shepard? Is that… You're alive?"

Sabrina was ecstatic. I was frozen. "Tali! How'd your Pilgrimage go? Did the geth data help?" Sabrina questioned, stepping forward with a grin.

"Yes, it did," Tali confirmed. She turned back towards her team. "Prazza, weapons down," she repeated. "This is definitely Commander Shepard."

They all holstered their weapons. "Why is your old commander working for Cerberus?" Prazza asked her, confused.

"I don't know," Tali answered. "Maybe we should ask."

Sabrina smiled. "They spent two years rebuilding me Tali. They want me to investigate the attacks on human colonies."

Prazza crossed his arms. "Likely story," he grumbled. "No organization would commit so many resources to bring back one soldier."

"You haven't seen Shepard in action, Prazza," Tali growled. "Trust me, it was money well spent." She turned towards us. God, she'd grown up a lot. "Perhaps we can work together," she suggested. "We're here looking for a young quarian named Veetor. He was here on Pilgrimage."

"Isn't that a little strange?" Sabrina's brow scrunched up. "A quarian visiting a remote human colony?"

Tali shook her head. "Quarians can choose where they go on Pilgrimage," she explained. "Veetor liked the idea of helping a small settlement. He was always… nervous in crowds."

Prazza scoffed. "She means that he was unstable. Combine that with damage to his suit's CO2 scrubbers and an infection from open-air exposure, and he's likely delirious."

I frowned. Prazza certainly wasn't kind with his words.

"When he saw us landing, he hid in a warehouse on the far side of town," Tali sighed, obviously disappointed. "We suspect he also programmed the mechs to attack anything that moved."

"We have to help him," I voiced, stepping forward and looking up at Sabrina hopefully.

The commander nodded down at me. "Veetor's the only one who can tell us what happened here, let's work together to find him," she agreed.

"…Kim?" Tali whispered. I snapped my head towards her, eyes wide.

I hadn't seen her in years. We hadn't spoken in months… "Hi," I squeaked. What was I supposed to do? Old Kim would have run forward and tackled her in a hug right now… I walked forward, forcing a grin onto my face and wrapping my arms around the quarian. "Tali! I greeted, stepping back quickly and clapping my hands together. "Long time no see!"

"Tell me about it," Tali replied, a smile in her voice. "Okay, we're teaming up. You'll need two teams to get past the drones, anyway."

"Now we're working with Cerberus?" Prazza growled. I bit my lip, averting my gaze. Tali placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, and I could sense her annoyance.

"No Prazza, you're working for me," she snapped. "If you can't follow orders, go wait on the ship."

She'd really grown up.

I shrugged her hand off of me, stepping back beside Sabrina.

"Head for the warehouse through the center of the colony. We'll circle around the far side and draw off some of the drones to clear you a path."

"You guys really seem to not like Cerberus," Sabrina laughed awkwardly. "What did they do?"

"They killed our people, infiltrated our flotilla, and try to blow up one of our ships," Prazza answered hatefully. Miranda rolled her eyes.

"That's not how I'd have explained it, exactly," Miranda scoffed. "It was nothing personal."

Well, that wasn't helping things.

"Come on guys, let's just try to get along here," I cut in, smiling awkwardly.

Jacob sighed. "We can argue over who killed who later," he added. "Right now, we've got a job to do."

"Agreed," Tali nodded. "We work together to get to Veetor."

"Make sure to keep in radio contact," Sabrina reminded.

"Will do. Good luck, Shepard," Tali's opened up her omni-tool, setting up a channel for us to communicate on. "Whatever happens, it's good to have you back."

I smiled. It really was.

Tali led her team out, Sabrina turning to look at us.

"Okay guys, when things involve Tali… don't cause shit with whoever she's with!" Sabrina declared. "She's my friend, and Kim's girl crush."

Jacob raised an eyebrow. "Girl crush?"

Red dusted my cheeks and I looked down at the ground. "…Shut up."

Sabrina beamed, drawing her weapon and heading out of the building, down a staircase. We followed diligently, speaking with Tali over the radio and shooting down enemies. The drones were a bit harder for us to deal with, my ears ringing after each missile they fired.

Then shit hit the fan.

" _Shepard! Prazza and his squad rushed on ahead. I told them to wait, but they wouldn't listen!"_ Tali warned over the comm. _"They want to find Veetor and take him away before you get here!"_

Miranda pursed her lips. "We should have expected this."

"How annoying," Sabrina grumbled.

We kept going, shooting down mechs and drones; but now we were moving a bit faster. We got closer to the loading bay when Tali's voice rang over the comm channel again.

" _Veetor reprogrammed a heavy mech! It's tearing Prazza's squad apart!"_

Fuck.

"They did want to get to Veetor first," Miranda shrugged.

Anger bubbled in my chest and I shot her a glare. What a bitchy thing to say. "We have to help them," I stated firmly.

"Get your squad into cover and I'll open the loading bay doors," Tali called over the comm.

Sabrina and I took point, Jacob and Miranda taking position by the doors. The moment they opened, I jumped out of cover and ran into the loading bay, seeing Tali run for cover inside one of the nearby buildings.

"Kim!" Sabrina shouted. "What are you doing?"

"Getting myself a good vantage point!" I shouted back, following after Tali. I froze at the bottom of the ramp, watching the heavy mech crush one of the quarians with its foot before shooting her in the head. Next thing I knew, Tali had grabbed my arm, pulling me into the building.

"Move, move!" she ordered, and I could see the heavy mech firing its missiles and killing her people. I breathed heavily, Tali placed her hands on my shoulders. "Kim, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," I assured, slightly panicked. There was a window in this building, and since we were on a higher level… it was a good vantage point. I made my way towards the window, readying my sniper rifle. I peered down the scope, shooting at it while Tali treated some injured quarians behind me. I had to keep them safe, I had to keep them safe. Once the mech was down, I could help. I had spare medical supplies…

The spare supplies. I stopped firing for a moment, tossing Tali some medi-gel.

"Thanks!" Tali called back, and I returned my attention to the mech.

Aim, fire. Aim, fire. Reload. Fuck, I was out of bullets. It was stomping towards Sabrina, she was still reloading her gun…

No, no, she was in trouble! I had to do something, but…

Wait…

My eyes widened and I opened my omni-tool. Overload, I could overload its systems! I just… I had to get closer to it. I darted out of the building, frantically pressing on my omni-tool. Overload. Overload. Overload.

"Kim!" Sabrina screamed.

The heavy mech swung at me with its arm, throwing me pretty far back. I hit some crates, my head spinning. It pointed its gun at me, smoke coming out from its head…

Then it just collapsed to its knees, exploding. Bits of metal cut my face, but other than that… I was fine. Sabrina rushed towards me, tears pooling in her eyes as she checked to make sure I was okay. "Kim? Kim? If you ever do that again I'm killing you myself."

"I'm fine," I slurred, still dizzy. But I was still alive, and Sabrina was safe. "Go check on Veetor." Sabrina nodded, uncertain, but left with Miranda and Jacob to find the quarian. I administered some medi-gel to myself, stumbling to my feet and heading towards the building Tali was in to help with the injured. I felt better now.

She stood up when she saw me, rushing forward and pulling me into a hug. "You're insane," she told me, and I could hear the tears in her voice. She'd been crying. "Never do that again."

"I'm fine," I argued, shrugging her off and heading towards the injured quarians. "Go check on Veetor Tali, I can take care of your injured."

Tali didn't respond, but I heard her footsteps as she walked away.

I was fine.


	5. To the Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RiriYuki my love! Thanks for constantly reviewing.  
> Sighs~ My sole reviewer for this story...  
> Okay, the next chapter (chapter 6) is hella long. I've been writing it for days, and it's nearly at 6000 words! So much progress you guys!
> 
> AND THIS CHAPTER WE SEE JOKER!!!

"Thanks for letting Tali take Veetor," I mumbled to Sabrina as we sat in the shuttle, waiting to dock back at the Minuteman station.

Sabrina gasped, surprised that I'd doubted her. "He was injured Kim! What did you expect me to do? Drag him back to Cerberus? No, we only really needed his omni-tool," she stated, nodding decisively.

I smiled. "Yeah, I know. You're right. Still though…" I shook my head. "Yeah, never mind. It was nice to see Tali, wasn't it?"

"Commander, the Illusive Man will want to speak to you once we dock," Miranda interrupted, arms crossed. Sabrina nodded at her, frowning. "Officer Kogan, you'll be coming with me."

"Yes Miranda," Sabrina and I chimed in unison.

Not too long after that, we'd docked. Sabrina went straight to talk to the Illusive Man, and Miranda led me to the armory so I could change out of my armor and back into my fatigues. Once I was done, she led me to the medical wing.

To speak with Chakwas.

"You know, Kim, when I told you not to go in the Flight Simulator I didn't mean that you could fly a shuttle instead," Karin mused, crossing her arms and smiling as I entered. I grinned back at her, scratching the back of my head.

"Yeah, sorry about that Karin," I apologized. "But I did fine; aren't you proud?"

"I am indeed," the doctor replied with a nod. "However, we still need to talk about it before I can clear you for flight." The doctor gave Miranda a nod, and the beautiful woman turned and left without another word.

"So, question me," I smiled, taking a seat across from Karin. The doctor picked a datapad up from her desk.

"Tell me, how's Shepard?" the older woman started, teal eyes watching me inquisitively.

"Shepard's fine," I drawled. "She's just like she was two years ago. Happy, kind, wonderful…"

Karin smiled. "Are you happy?"

"I am," I assured, a grin appearing on my face. "It's just… It's kind of weird, but I'm so happy that she's back. I think it just hasn't really clicked in my brain yet, you know? It doesn't feel real."

"What do you mean by 'it doesn't feel real'?" Karin pressed, eyeing me carefully. I averted my gaze, smiling and shrugging.

"I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up any second and she won't be here," I laughed, rubbing the back of my head. "But she's back, and that's all that matters."

"Jacob told me that you threw yourself at a heavy mech," Karin started, and I froze.

Damn the Eternal Babysitter.

"By your expression, I'm guessing that you weren't going to tell me about that," the doctor frowned, looking a bit worried. "I don't want you taking risks like that, Kim. Jacob said Shepard was in danger and I understand. But injurying yourself for her won't make her happy. What did she say when she spoke with you?"

"She was worried," I admitted, looking away guiltily.

Karin sighed, reaching over and touching my hand. "I just want to make sure you are perfectly ready. You will be going on missions and even if you think Shepard is in danger...trust her." Her hand squeezed mine, gentle, motherly. "She's gotten out of very dangerous situations before. Now, she's back from the dead. Sacrificing yourself will not help in any way."

…Karin was right.

But, if Sabrina was in danger and I could save her, then I'd sacrifice myself. I knew that. Sabrina meant the world to me.

I wasn't going to watch her die again.

"Okay, I understand," I answered softly.

"As long as you understand, then I suppose I can clear you for flight," Karin told me, patting my shoulder. "Go on and tell Shepard the good news.

Standing up, I grinned and nodded, darting out of the room and making my way through the station. Passing by Miranda, I stopped and turned to look at her. "Hey Miranda, where's Sabrina?"

"Check Observation Room two," Miranda suggested.

"Thanks!" I called, already running again. I slowed down as I neared the port, hearing a familiar voice.

"The Alliance took away the only thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah I joined Cerberus."

No, I had to be hearing things again, I walked forward, turning the corner and heading through the door.

It was Jeff.

It was really Jeff. Except he was wearing Cerberus fatigues, and his hat was white, and…

Why hadn't Karin told me?

"You really trust the Illusive Man?" Sabrina asked him, the two of them standing in front of one of the windows. Neither of them noticed me.

Jeff shrugged. He was walking now, without crutches… probably got a heavy muscle weave. "I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do, but they aren't all bad. Saved your life, let me fly… then there's this."

The lights began flicking on, and I saw it.

The Normandy.

My stomach tightened. No, no, it wasn't the same Normandy. This one was in Cerberus colors, it had an SR-2 painted on the side of it.

"It's good to be home, huh, Commander?" Jeff asked her. Sabrina grinned at him, giving him a thumbs up.

"I guess we'll have to give her a name… I'm thinking Normandy!"

My chest tightened. I couldn't breathe. Why was he here? He couldn't be here! I had to be seeing things again. I was probably hallucinating this whole thing. I pinched my arm, nothing changed. No, no, no no no…

" _Kim, please, just trust me."_

" _Shepard!"_

She was gone, she was gone. She was dead and I'd never see her again and I was alone-

I bit my lip, eyes darting; panicked. I tugged on the edge of my shirt, struggling to get air into my lungs. Hearing me, Sabrina turned around, confusion in her eyes that quickly turned to worry.

"Kimmy? Are you okay?"

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

My hand clenched around my wrist, nails biting into the skin. Sabrina ran forward, lifting me up off my feet.

"Joker she's not responding, I'm taking her to the med bay," she told the man, who limped forward and stopped her.

"No, no, it's fine," he assured. "Put her down, she's having an attack."

"An attack?" Sabrina asked, shocked, placing me down gently. Jeff placed his hands on my shoulders. "What do you mean? She never mentioned getting these things before."

"Yeah, that's just Kim putting on a brave face, she completely broke down when you were gone," Jeff told her with a sigh, giving me a gentle smile. "Hey CP, can you do me a favor? Just take a deep breath, you're fine… you can do it."

I followed his instructions, slowly coming back. I glanced around, confused. What happened to the Normandy?

"Just focus on me CP," he encouraged. I looked into his eyes. They looked so green. "You got this. We're on the Minuteman Station, you're safe. Shepard's here too."

"Sabrina's here?" I whimpered, tears springing to my eyes. "She's safe?"

"She's safe," Jeff confirmed, eyes soft. "And so are you."

I sat there on the ground, heart hammering in my chest.

And then, I was back.

"Hi Joker," I greeted, my voice a higher pitch. "Can you, um, go back a few steps please? Personal space and all."

His eyes widened in surprise and he stumbled back, getting to his feet. "Sorry about that CP," he coughed, adjusting his hat. "So, you excited to be my co-pilot again?"

I pursed my lips. "Nope."

"You two are so cute together," Sabrina giggled, giving me a sad smile. I clenched my fist, glaring at the ground.

She… I had an attack, right in front of her.

"Shepard?" Jacob called, entering the room. "Miranda wants to speak with you. Joker, Kim, she wants the two of you to move your gear to the ship and get ready for take-off."

Jeff and I nodded understandingly, Sabrina scowling and crossing her arms.

"Give me a minute damn it! My baby just had a panic attack!" she snapped at him

Inwardly I screamed. Why'd she have to tell the Eternal Babysitter about it?

Karin was going to flip shit when she found out.

"I'm fine," I assured, standing up and placing my hand on Sabrina's shoulder and looking her in the eye. "I'm fine, I promise."

Sabrina eyed me suspiciously. "Well… okay," Sabrina grumbled, turning on her heel to face Jeff. "Joker! Don't let her out of your sight! That's an order, Flight Leauitenent!"

"Sure thing Commander," Jeff nodded, a small smile gracing his lips. I frowned, feeling a bit… out of place.

Why did things seem so normal?

Jacob shook his head at us, amused, before leading Sabrina out of the observation room. The two of us stood there, alone, tense, awkward…

"Shall we head to the armory and grab our things?" Jeff suggested. I nodded stiffly, the two of us walking side by side. Well, Jeff was limping, but he always did that.

Just that now, he didn't need crutches.

We walked in complete and utter silence, the walk felt absolutely dreadful to me…

I just… I didn't know what to say. We hadn't seen each other since the funeral. We hadn't even spoken since Sabrina died. He'd been so nice, calming me down from my panic attack.

Wait…

Imaginary-Jeff did that before.

With a quick movement, I snatched his hat off his head, surprised when I could actually feel the material. Jeff looked incredibly flabbergasted, reaching for his hat.

"What was that for, CP?" he inquired. My face instantly burned a deep shade of red, and I handed him his hat back.

"…Nothing," I mumbled, humiliated. "Oh look, we're at the armory now. Great," I coughed, stepping inside and heading towards my locker. Jeff's was just a few down from mine. I unfolded a duffle bag, shoving my armor into it, and Jeff peered over.

"Nice armor," he complimented.

I shrugged. "Thanks."

"Will I still see you on the bridge or am I going to be alone up there?" he pressed, raising an eyebrow. I gave him a small glare.

"I'm supposed to be your co-pilot," I stated darkly. "So of course I'm going to be on the bridge. That's my job. But if Sabrina wants to take us to some dangerous world, and she wants me to go topside with her then I'm going to go with her."

Jeff averted his gaze. "…Sorry."

Shit.

"No, I'm sorry," I placing a hand on my head and looked up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry. You've been so nice to me so far and I'm just being a bitch. Thanks for bringing me back before," I sighed, shaking my head and returning my attention to my bag.

"If it makes you feel any better, I expected you to punch me," Jeff admitted.

I paused in my movements, glancing up at him with surprise. "What? Punch you?" I gaped.

Joker snickered at my expression, emptying out his locker. "A punch in the face, yelling, screaming, demanding that they fire me, the list goes on," he told me. "Your reaction was, well, definitely better than what I expected."

We fell back into a tense silence, neither of us knowing what to do or what to say.

I just… I wished that we could be normal. I really did miss him, he used to be my best friend… I missed the way we used to be, joking and teasing…

But I was so different now.

And I treated him so horribly when Sabrina died. I was actually surprised that he didn't hate me.

Or maybe he was just hiding it, for Sabrina…

I bit my lip, nervous… shy… What was I supposed to do?

What would old Kim do?

Old Kim would have been ecstatic to see Jeff again. She would have run up for a hug, stolen his hat, teased him… It felt like there was a hole in my chest, like something was missing.

I missed how I used to be.

"So, when did they tell you that we'd be working together?" Jeff inquired, zipping up his duffle bag.

I scoffed, crossing my arms bitterly. "They never said a word. Not even Karin told me."

The pilot looked shocked. "What? They didn't tell you?" his brow furrowed. "That's not cool."

"Well, how long did you know we'd be working together?" I questioned him, genuinely curious. I mean, he knew about my panic attacks… He'd probably been briefed by Karin on how to deal with me.

He shrugged, sheepish. "I've known since I joined up. That was maybe, like, four months ago?"

I finished emptying out my locker, zipping up my bag. The two of us headed out, making our way to the new ship. "Was it before or after you got a heavy muscle weave done?"

Joker eyed me, smirking. "How'd you know it was a heavy muscle weave?"

"Because I'm not stupid," I responded bluntly. "Of all the treatments for Vrolik's Syndrome, the one that's been getting a significant amount of praise recently was the idea to use heavy muscle weave, a procedure usually done on soldiers. It doesn't have that much risk, and it allows most people to walk without crutches," I shrugged. "The other ones that could have been done on you probably wouldn't have allowed you to walk without crutches, and if they'd gone wrong you'd be in a wheelchair. You're not that much of a risk taker."

"You know your shit, I'll give you that," Jeff praised.

I smirked. "You still haven't answered my question. Was it before or after?"

"Joined Cerberus before I got the treatment. Got the muscle weave done through Cerberus, too," Jeff explained. "Mostly because the pay raise made it possible."

"If you keep on exercising your legs and taking your regular medication, you probably won't even limp anymore," I told him with a soft voice. "Sure, heavy muscle weave isn't a cure… but it's better than basically everything else out there right now."

We arrived at the ship, entering the decontamination chamber. I glanced around worriedly, the pilot giving me a cocky grin.

"Don't worry about this CP, we're going to do fine," he assured, confident.

But he'd always been confident. Even when it came to saving a ship that was already gone. I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow at him and frowned. "Okay."

His grin turned into an awkward, forced smile, and we both began glancing around the decontamination chamber.

….Awkwardly avoiding looking at each other. Or talking to each other.

" _Hello Flight Leauitenent Moreau, Flight Officer Kogan,"_ A female voice greeted, causing Jeff to jump and me to grab my pistol. _"Do not be alarmed. My name is EDI, I am the SSV-Normandy SR2's artificial intelligence."_

"Cerberus ruined the Normandy," I blurted.

Jeff was just as appalled. "They seriously thought installing an AI into my new baby was a good idea?"

I was horrified. Absolutely horrified. Cerberus thought that sticking an AI onto our ship was a good idea?! We used to fight geth for christs sake! GETH! A hive mind AI! And I'd been shot at by them! In the KNEES! It wasn't fun!

" _The two of you seem to be in distress,"_ EDI observed. _"Do not worry. I have been given behavioral blocks and cannot interface with the ships systems beyond operating the electronic warfare and cybernetic suites during combat. I observe and offer analysis and advice, nothing more. Your talents will not go to waste, Mr. Moreau."_

I clenched my fists, biting my lip to keep myself from lashing out.

Back on the original Normandy, I was in charge of the guns. Basically, Cerberus was replacing me with an AI. What was the point of recruiting me in the first place if they were going to hand the weapons over to an AI?!

And because she was an AI, she'd probably be able to chart courses faster than me. I was useless, I was redundant. Why the hell was I even here?

"CP, know anything about shutting down an AI?" Jeff muttered, limping closer to me. "I'd rather have you in charge of the weapons."

" _I can hear you, Mr. Moreau,"_ EDI drawled. I fought the smile that was threatening to make its way onto my lips.

"Yeah, that's creepy," Jeff snapped at her. "Is there a mute button in here? No?"

The smile broke through. "I'll see what I can do to dismantle it," I whispered loudly. Jeff snickered, giving me a wicked grin, fixing his hat on his head.

"I'm looking forward to it," the pilot declared. We smiled at each other, a little timid… a bit shy, and a tad uncertain.

Uneasy.

Then EDI spoke up.

" _Miss Kogan, you're free to take control of the ships weapons, however, I must tell you that dismantling Cerberus property is grounds for immediate termination."_

I rolled my eyes, giving Jeff a look that screamed 'kill me now'. He shook his head, smirking. Then the doors opened, and revealed the new Normandy to us. Just stepping onto the ship… I was in awe. It was so much brighter on this Normandy than the old one, probably because Cerberus really liked to be in your face with the whole 'Our colours are completely different from the Alliance's!' thing.

Kind of gave it a hospital feel though, but maybe that was just me.

But the ship felt a bit more spacious now at least, and I knew I'd have fun looking around later. "EDI, where should Joker and I put our stuff? Where are the storage lockers located?" I inquired.

" _You and Mr. Moreau's storage lockers are located inside the pilot's quarters,"_ EDI answered. I tilted my head to the side. Okay, so they installed an AI… but they also gave us a room.

…I could forgive Cerberus now.

Jeff seemed a bit anxious though. "Wait, pilot's quarters? So, we don't just sleep in the sleeper pods in the crew quarters?"

" _Cerberus felt that the sleeper pods were ill-suited for human comfort,"_ EDI explained. _"Instead, they've supplied beds in all of the living quarters. The pilot's quarters were placed close to the bridge for ease of access, so that in the case of an emergency, if one of you was sleeping then you would be better able to respond."_

"And where are these mysterious pilot's quarters?" I questioned, lugging my armor filled duffle bag. "Because I want to put these away."

" _The door is located just inside the bridge, on the back wall to your right when you enter,"_ EDI told me. I nodded, walking ahead of Jeff to check it out, as he still seemed a bit uneasy about it. The door opened as I neared, and I looked over the space. It wasn't a large room; that was for sure. There were two lockers on the wall next to me, and a bed on the other side…

One bed.

The fuck?

It wasn't even a lame twin sized bed. It was a queen sized bed. For two people. I stared at it dumbly, trying to figure out who made that decision so I could punch them. It would have made more sense to have two twins sized beds, or a bunk bed. But a queen sized bed?

What, did they think I was going to be sleeping with Jeff or something!?

I felt someone's presence behind me, and glanced over my shoulder to see Jeff, who had a puzzled expression on his face.

"Ground rules. We never sleep in the same bed," I stated bluntly. "And if you ever jack off in that bed, you need to throw it out the airlock."

"Fair terms," Jeff agreed, nodding. "So… I guess let's put our stuff away."

I nodded, already getting to work. I put the photos Karin had printed for me in first, at the very back, then put my armor in. After those came my spare uniform, pajamas, and workout clothes. It didn't take me too long to unpack, same with Jeff, so then the two of us exited to check out our new workspace.

"Leather seats, nice," Jeff approved, running his hand along his pilots chair. "Feels like real leather too. Damn! Cerberus spared no expense. The Normandy's better than new!"

I poked my co-pilot's seat and frowned.

Personally, I didn't like leather seats that much. If my back got sweaty, I'd have to peel myself out of it. But I guess that they were more comfortable? Maybe? I sat down in the seat.

This Normandy felt so different.

"So, I guess let's get all the pre-flight preparations done," Jeff decided, taking his seat. "CP, check the internal and external compensators."

I bit my lip, hands clumsily activating the aero-gel console. I could feel Jeff's eyes on me… or was it EDI?

Did she even have eyes? Well, she had cameras. Which were basically eyes for an AI anyways.

"CP, you good over there?" Jeff inquired, his hands gliding effortlessly over his controls. When I didn't answer, he turned his chair to look at me. I was looking around, trying to spot cameras. "CP?"

My attention snapped to him. "Sorry, working now," I answered, changing my focus to my console and tapping on the controls, tense. The compensators all looked normal, fine, in perfect condition. "Compensators are good, they're fine," I called to the pilot, who leaned against his left hand and gazed at the screen, looking a bit bored. This was really… the first time I'd gotten to take a good look at him since Sabrina died.

He'd grown his hair out a little, but I guessed he'd still gotten it regularly trimmed. His beard seemed to be about the same length as it was before… it was neat though, probably so that Miranda wouldn't write him up for looking unkempt.

Although, in comparison to Miranda everyone looked unkempt.

He looked a little bit more muscular than before too, probably because of the heavy muscle weave. No, definitely because of the heavy muscle weave. The cheater. I looked fitter now too, but I'd actually worked for it.

Jeff turned his head to raise an eyebrow at me. "CP, are you checking me out?"

I recoiled in disgust, cheeks burning brightly from embarrassment. "No!" I objected, loudly; crossing my arms and glaring at my console. He wasn't my type. He was too cocky, too overconfident, and… and…

Well, he'd never like me anyways, especially after what I'd done. He was just messing with me.

Kind of like how we used to, but now it was different.

We were different. Even he'd changed a bit, I could tell. There was just a little bit of weariness in his eyes, and he was being careful like… he didn't want to say something that might set me off… or bring up a topic that neither of us really wanted to talk about.

Like how I killed Sabrina.

Instead, he was trying to bring back a semblance of normalcy, maybe try to pretend that nothing had happened. Kind of like… what I'd been doing when Sabrina first came back.

I guess it was easier that way.

Sabrina was the only one that hadn't changed.

Glancing to the side, I gave Jeff a suspicious look, seeing him staring at me. "…What are you looking at?" I grumbled.

"Your hair looks nice grown out," he complimented. I scowled, cheeks reddening once more at his words. Seeing my reaction, he smirked. "Now's the time that you compliment my beard."

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up, Joker."

He returned his gaze to his controls, still smirking, but I could see just a glint of… something, in his eyes.

Maybe it was hurt? I couldn't really tell anymore.

Not too long after that, Sabrina entered the ship with Miranda and Jacob. I peeked down the hall as they led her to the CIC.

"Okay CP, looks like the final preparations are complete," Jeff called. I frowned.

All he'd gotten me to do was check the Compensators. I hadn't gotten to do anything, really. This was like a repeat of when I first transferred to the Normandy. He'd probably never let me fly this one.

Jeff flipped activated the PA. "Final preparations for take-off are complete, Commander. When you're ready to go, just pick a destination from the galaxy map in the CIC and CP'll plot a course," he announced.

I glanced over at him, slightly surprised. I was going to plot the course? Not the AI?

He shut off the PA. Then, I watched him slam his thumb down on EDI's mute button before grinning over at me. "I've got your back CP. No AI is going to take your job away."

"Take us to Omega!" Sabrina shouted from the galaxy map, an alert appearing on my screen as she selected the location.

I charted the course inside my head. "FTL jump to Hawking Eta, then from there we can do another jump to the Omega Nebula."

The pilot nodded, his hands dancing across the aero-gel controls. "All systems are go… Let's do this CP."

A small smile appeared on my lips, and I nodded. Jeff maneuvered the new Normandy out of the Minuteman Station, and then… we flew.


	6. The Professor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tezzin and RiriYuki! Thanks for the reviews!  
> Man, my chapters are getting a lot longer now. Hopefully I can make it to the final chapter and not be burned out! xD

We were about twenty minutes away from Omega when Sabrina came up to the cockpit to check on Jeff and me. She was already in her armor, ready for when we'd land.

"Hey you two," Sabrina greeted with a grin. Jeff matched her expression, turning his chair around to face her.

"Can you believe this, Commander? It's my baby! Better than new," he exclaimed. "It fits me like a glove!"

I rolled my eyes, smiling at the two of them.

"And leather seats!" Jeff continued. "Military may set the hardware standard but on a first-gen frigate they could care less about if the seats breathe. Civilian sector comfort by design."

" _Reproduction is not intended to be perfect, Mr. Moreau,"_ EDI cut in. I frowned, of course Cerberus would unmute her after a certain amount of time had passed. _"Seamless improvements were made."_

Jeff's reaction to the AI speaking was similar to mine. His good mood seemed to fade away. "And there's the downside," he grumbled. "I liked the Normandy when she was beautiful and quiet. Now she's got this thing no one wants to talk about. It's like ship cancer."

Sabrina crossed her arms, smile a bit softer now. "It's not the same ship, Joker. There's nothing here that was even part of the real Normandy."

"…There's us," I piped up, keeping my gaze to the floor.

Jeff nodded. "There's us," he confirmed. "We'll just have to take what we can get. These last two years sucked."

"Yeah, they did," I agreed, Jeff adjusting his hat and grinning over at Sabrina.

"Well, you'll see, Shepard. Even if an AI is spying on us there's no way that they'll invest this much just to screw us over," Jeff claimed. I raised an eyebrow at him, then shot Sabrina the same look to see her smirking.

"I hope so," she shrugged. "I died."

Joker pursed his lips. "Way to kill the mood, Commander."

I bit my lip.

Kill the mood.

…Puns…

I just couldn't hide the smile. Sabrina noticed, stepping towards me and pinching my cheek. "Aw Kimmy! You look so cute trying to hide your smile!" She gushed. "Anyways, you're coming with me to Omega."

I stood up, heading towards the pilot's quarters. Sabrina tilted her head to the side. "That door wasn't there before."

"Pilot's quarters," I explained, the door opening automatically. "One of Cerberus's wondrous upgrades," I mused, sarcastic. Sabrina followed after me, grinning mischievously and nudging me in the side.

"One bed, eh Kimmy?" she teased. I rolled my eyes, opening my locker and pulling out my armor. Sabrina leaned against the doorway, turning her head to look at Jeff. "Joker! Any thoughts on the living space you two get to share? Are you excited about it?"

"No comment, Commander," he called back to her. I scowled, giving Sabrina a glare and crossing my arms.

"Mind closing the door Sabs?" I grumbled. The commander nodded, stepping into the room to allow the door to close behind her. "I'm not sleeping in the same bed as Joker," I stated bluntly. "Your room's just one level up, right? I'll stay with you. At least until you convince Kaidan to join us and your room becomes tainted."

Sabrina pouted, throwing herself on the bed while I changed into my under armor. "Fine, you can sleep in my room until Kaidan and I taint it."

"Thank you," I breathed a sigh of relief, pulling on my armor.

"Just know that I expect you and Joker to taint this room."

I instantly froze, face paling at Sabrina's statement. My sister broke out into a fit of laughter at my expression, standing up and nuzzling me.

"Aw Kimmy! Come back to me, I'm sorry!" she laughed. I shook her off, lips pursed.

"It's never going to happen Sabrina," I told her firmly. "Seriously Sabs, before you came back I hadn't spoken to him since you…" I clenched my fist, glaring at the floor. "Since you died."

Sabrina stood still, and I turned my head to see her looking at me with surprise. "Kim…"

My eyes widened.

No.

No, I wasn't going to talk to her about this. Not now, not yet… She hadn't even seen Kaidan yet, and I wasn't about to tell her how he forced me into treatment for my PTSD.

She didn't need this right now. She didn't need to see me break down. She needed me to be strong, to help her deal with being brought back to life.

Later, I could tell her. I could tell her how I fucked up my friendship with Jeff, how betrayed I felt by Kaidan, how I lost contact with Tali and Wrex…

How Garrus and Karin helped me get better.

I grinned at her, averting my gaze. "Omega, right? I'm going to go grab my rifle!" I exclaimed, practically running out of the room.

…Definitely running out of the room.

I burst into the armory, looking frazzled. Jacob's head shot up in my direction as I entered, surprised. "Kogan," he greeted. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I snapped at him, throwing open the gun cabinet and grabbing my preferred rifle; an M-29 Incisor sniper rifle. "Are you coming onto Omega too?" I asked him, calming down.

He smiled weakly and shook his head. "Nah, Shepard's bringing Miranda. Good luck out there."

"Thanks," I responded curtly, walking out just as quickly as I had walked in.

Okay. We'd be docking soon. I could just hide myself inside the decontamination chamber until we'd left, that way Sabrina wouldn't bug me, I wouldn't need to see Jeff…

"Officer Kogan?" a voice piped up, my attention immediately darting to a red-haired female standing by one of the galaxy map's consoles. She looked, and sounded, just a bit concerned. "You look a bit distressed."

God, I needed to take some time to get to know this new crew. I had no idea who this girl was.

"I'm fine," I told her with a frown, crossing my arms. "Who are you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the girl smiled at me. Ug. She was taller than me too. How come everyone was taller than me? "I forgot to introduce myself. My name's Kelly Chambers, I'm a Yeoman and I offer counsellor support. Your files suggested that you might need more help than others."

My file?

"Nope, don't think I need your help," I decided, walking away.

If I was going to talk to anyone, it would be Karin. Karin had been dealing with me for years, why would I talk to a complete stranger about things? Because Cerberus wanted me to?

Hell no.

When I'd reached the decontamination chamber, I was almost glad to see that Miranda was already there. Sabrina wouldn't dare interrogate me in front of Miranda. "Hello," I greeted with a nod. Miranda nodded back at me, looking as serious as ever.

"Officer Kogan, I didn't think that Shepard would bring you along," the woman noted. "Though I suppose it's to be expected. She trusts you."

I crossed my arms. "Yes, she does," I confirmed. "What of it?"

"Oh, I meant no offense," Miranda assured. "You're my top choice to bring on missions actually. No one would fight harder for Shepard than you."

Sabrina poked her head in between us. "Hey guys," she greeted. "Ready to go? We're about to dock."

"We're ready," Miranda and I responded, in unison. A tense silence followed after that, none of us talking. At all. We just stood there, by the decontamination chamber, in complete and utter silence. EDI alerted us when we were docked, and then we left the ship. Walking down the orange-red lit corridor, we were approached by a salarian… He opened his arms wide, in greeting.

…I didn't like the look of him, to be honest.

"Ah! Welcome to Omega," he announced. "You're new here, aren't you? I can always tell. Allow me to…" the salarian froze when he noticed a batarian walk up with an unimpressed look. "Oh… Hello, Moklan!" he greeted, nervous now. "I was just—"

"Leave, Fargut," the batarian ordered, crossing his arms. "Now."

I raised an eyebrow. The salarian nodded frantically. "Of course, Moklan! Whatever she wants!" Fargut responded, scrambling away.

…I wished that I could strike that much fear into others. Well, just a little. To people I didn't like.

The batarian stepped into the space the salarian was previously standing in. "Blasted scavengers," he grumbled. "Welcome to Omega, Shepard."

Sabrina straightened up. "You know who I am?"

"Of course," Moklan stated, I kept my gaze to the floor. "We had you tagged the moment you entered the Terminus Systems. You're not as subtle as you think."

"Sabrina? Subtle? That's the first I've heard of that," I mumbled. Miranda smirked.

"She did blow up a nuke on Virmire," the woman shrugged. Sabrina shot the two of us a glare, disapproving.

"Aria wants to know what brings a dead Spectre to Omega," Moklan cut in. "I suggest you go to Afterlife now and present yourself."

"Cut the attitude," Sabrina scoffed. "I'm not here to cause problems for Omega."

The batarian glanced over at Miranda, who focused on his nose. Looking at batarians was always weird. "Thing's explode around you, Shepard," Moklan reminded. "You can't blame Aria for keeping an eye on you. Afterlife, now."

As he walked away from us, Sabrina let out a sigh. "I swear, you blow up one nuke to try and stop an army of Krogan, and no one lets you live it down."

"It happens to the best of us," I shrugged, walking on ahead.

" _I'm receiving quarantine warnings about the slums where Dr. Mordin Solus runs the clinic,"_ EDI announced over our comm channel. _"Anticipate resistance at the transport station."_

"Do you have anything on Archangel?" Sabrina questioned the AI.

" _Nothing has come up yet,"_ EDI answered. _"I will let you know as soon as something shows up on my scanners."_

I waited for a few moments, checking my omni-tool to make sure that my comm was off. "Even if she's helpful…I still hate AI's," I muttered, quiet enough that even if someone's comm was on nobody would hear me.

I knew better now.

"So I guess we're checking out Afterlife," Sabrina decided, strolling ahead of me with her head held high.

"Shepard, while we're here, may I suggest that we meet up with Zaeed Massani?" Miranda suggested. "He's located here on Omega."

"Oh really?" Sabrina turned to look at the Cerberus agent. "Where?"

Miranda pointed down the hall… and that's when I noticed him.

He was an older man, clad in worn out yellow armor. And he was kicking down a batarian.

By instinct I charged forward, taking my pistol and raising it. Sabrina reached forward. "Kim—" she called, but I was already behind the mercenary. The batarian looked up at me, head lolling.

"Please, you have to help me," he begged. The mercenary didn't seem to like that, kicking him in the chest.

"No one said you could talk, Jackass," Zaeed spat. I glared at the man's back, pointing my pistol right at him. What the hell was he doing?

"Kim, no!" Sabrina snapped at me, grabbing my arm and lowering it. "Are you Zaeed Massani?" she asked the merc, who turned around. I glared at him, angry. Scars marred his face, and his right eye looked blind.

Why were we recruiting a mercenary anyways? Especially one that kicked down people that were already hurt. But I bit my lip, keeping myself from snapping.

Because Sabrina was talking to him.

"Yeah, that's me," Zaeed confirmed. "You must be Commander Shepard. I hear we have a galaxy to save."

Yeah. From asshats like you.

"I assume you've been briefed," Sabrina spoke, completely ignoring the injured batarian that was laying on the ground in pain.

"I've done my homework. Cerberus sent me everything I needed to know," the older man answered, looking unimpressed.

Sabrina crossed her arms. "What's your relationship with Cerberus?"

Zaeed scoffed, stepping forward. "Easy. Cerberus is paying me a lot of money to help you on your mission. That's the long and short.

"Not many mercs would take a suicide mission for the pay," Sabrina commented. I kept my eye on the batarian, he was staring up at me, pleading…

I bit my lip, glancing over at the mercenary and Sabrina. What would happen if I administered medi-gel? What would Sabrina think?

"Most mercs don't get an offer like the one Cerberus sent me," Zaeed shrugged, turning back towards the batarian. "This mission doesn't sound like good business, but your Illusive man can move a lot of credits."

"My contacts told me we're picking up one man, not two," Sabrina added, gesturing towards the batarian. The Mercenary let out a short laugh.

"Batarian delinquent," Zaeed explained coldly. "Pissed off someone rich enough to hire me to go after him. And for my 'bring 'em in alive' rates, even."

"Please, I didn't do it," the batarian spoke up, Zaeed kicking him in the face in response.

"I said shut it," Zaeed growled. I stepped forward, shoving the man.

"Stop it!" I hissed, both the batarian and Zaeed staring at me in surprise. "He's already hurt, what's the point of hurting him more?" I argued, glaring up at the older man.

Zaeed's surprise turned to annoyance. "This bastard tried to lead me on a chase all over the Systems," he told me. "He should have known better. These people always run to Omega."

"'These people'?" I repeated, clenching my fists. "What the hell did he do anyways?"

"Pissed off my client," Zaeed answered. "Are we going to have a problem here, Midget?"

My glare darkened. "Maybe we are," I growled, pointing my pistol at him. The mercenary let out a chuckle, pointing his back at me.

"Officer Kogan, stand down," Miranda ordered. I turned to glare at her. "Mr. Massani's current job is none of our business."

"Kim," Sabrina placed her hands on my shoulders. "Relax, okay? Don't cause trouble."

I stared up at her, shocked.

Why wasn't she on my side with this?

Sabrina turned away from me, facing Zaeed. "Sorry about that. It's good to have you Zaeed, we have a lot to do."

"That's what they tell me," Zaeed smirked, glaring back at the batarian and pointing his pistol towards him. "I assume the Illusive Man told you about our arrangement?"

The commander frowned, crossing her arms. "No. I guess he decided to leave that information out of the dossier."

"Good thing I asked," the man drawled. "Picked up a mission a little while back, just before I signed on with Cerberus. Thought you might be interested," Zaeed continued. "You heard the name Vido Santiago? He's the head of the Blue Suns. Runs the whole organization. Seems he recently captured an Eldfell Ashland refinery on Zorya and is using their workers for slave labor. The company wants it dealt with."

Sabrina nodded. "I'll be sure we get that done."

"Good," Zaeed approved. "Get it out of the way so we can concentrate on being big goddamn heroes." Suddenly I was thrown to the side, the batarian rushing past me to try and escape. Zaeed pointed his gun and shot, his target letting out a cry and falling to the ground. "I'd better turn this thing in before it starts to stink," the mercenary walked towards the body, smirking. "I'll be locked and loaded next time you're ready to get some killing done."

I bit my lip and clenched my fists.

"Kim, let's go," Sabrina suggested, taking my hand and leading me through the doors that led out of the docks. Miranda followed after us, giving me a disapproving look. "Miranda, don't make that face. Kimmy just wanted to help."

"Officer Kogan's actions could have cost us a valuable ally," Miranda stated.

"Do you really want an ally who could just be bought by anyone?" I scoffed. "I'd rather have ally's I can trust to not kick me in the face."

Sabrina turned to look at the two of us, a forced smile on her face. "Come on you guys, let's just go see this Aria person, okay?"

"…Fine," I grumbled, freeing my hand from Sabrina's grasp and following her.

"Of course, Commander," Miranda agreed, hips swaying as she walked ahead of me. I sulked slightly, following behind the two of them. There was a line in front of Afterlife, but the bouncer took one look at Sabrina and waved us through.

Entering the club, I could see why there was a line.

It was a pretty cool club.

Music blasted, loud and upbeat, with asari dancers performing atop a circular bar suspended above the level by wires. I liked the lighting, pinks purples and oranges…

I wondered where the bartenders were. Maybe I could get a drink. I needed one, especially after meeting Massani.

"Hey Kim," Sabrina shouted over the music to me. My head snapped up and I tilted my head to the side at her, questioningly. "While we talk to Aria, why don't you go check out the shops? We'll meet you by the Quarantine when we're done!"

Oh, right. Before whenever Sabrina took me places I'd just check out the stores.

"Sure!" I shouted back, nodding and turning on my heel to exit the club. It was much quieter outside, and it was easy for me to follow the signs to the markets.

…Except that it wasn't, and somewhere along the way I'd made my way down to a poorly lit area. Vorcha scurried by the walls, hissing at me when I neared.

Luckily just pointing my pistol in their direction was enough to get them to back off.

Looking ahead though, I spotted a shop. Large, flickering letters spelt out the name of the small business 'Kenns Salvage'. While most of the letters were red, the K was yellow.

Geez, was this place the markets? What a dump.

I stepped into the shop, looking around cautiously. Behind the counter, a quarian poked his head out. He looked young, and kind of reminded me of Tali when I first met her. "Oh! Hello, I'm Kenn. Welcome to Kenns Salvage," he greeted, sounding both surprised and uneasy. I raised my eyebrow. "How can I help you?"

"I'm just looking for the markets," I shrugged, looking the boy over. Quarians did tend to be smaller than other aliens, but he seemed… thin. Maybe unhealthy. He was on Omega, and this area seemed like a slum… His Pilgrimage must have not been going very well. I felt… sorry for him. Omega didn't seem like the best place to go on Pilgrimage. Tali had enough trouble on the Citadel, but then at least we picked her up.

This boy… maybe he didn't have anyone.

"…Can I help you?" I offered softly, checking his shop. It looked run down and… well, like a dump. I highly doubted he got much, if any, business down here.

"Oh, no," the boy shook his head. "I mean, I… um…" he stumbled over his words and I smiled, shaking my head.

"I'm friends with a quarian, so I know that you're probably on Pilgrimage," I explained. "Omega probably wasn't the wisest choice, huh?"

Kenn was silent for a moment, his glowing white eyes widening slightly. "Y-yeah," he nodded. "What money I had got stolen within a few days, so I decided to sell salvaged parts."

"And because this is Omega, you probably aren't making nearly enough credits to get out of here and survive," I noted. Kenn nodded shyly, glancing away from me. "Well, easy fix," I grinned at the boy. "I'm the co-pilot of one of the ships docked here. Take what you have and go to dock 139, the ship's the SSV Normandy. Tell them that Flight Officer Kim Kogan sent you."

"What? Really?!" Kenn exclaimed, excited. Then he stepped back, slumping slightly "No, it's too much. I can't let you do this. This is my mistake, on my Pilgrimage," he stated firmly. "It's my problem."

I crossed my arms, unimpressed. "Listen kid, if you stay here you're probably never going to get out. You'd probably die here. Accept my offer, go to the Normandy," I ordered. "We could drop you somewhere safer. I know there's not a lot of places that think highly of quarians, but anywhere is better than here."

"…Yeah, you're right," Kenn sighed. "I… Thank you. I'll never forget this. I'll pack up my things then head to the Normandy."

I nodded approvingly, checking my omni-tool. Sabrina had left me a message. "Kenn, how can I get to the plague quarantine?" I asked the boy, who eagerly gave me directions. I made my way over, seeing Sabrina and Miranda talking to the guard blocking the entrance into the Quarantine.

"-I hear Mordin's trying to deal with the plague. I wish him luck, but the area is still locked down," the turian guard explained to my companions. There was another person there, a human lady who likely lived in the area before it was locked down. "Our orders are to wait until the plague or the Blue Suns kill everyone, then go in and clean up."

I stepped behind Sabrina, who was being very diplomatic about the whole situation. "Listen, you're stuck here until this quarantine is over, that could take weeks," she reasoned. "What you really need is to get this problem solved right now. That's what I do, solve problems. Let me in and I'll get this district straightened out," Sabrina assured, confident.

The turian looked Sabrina over. "You think you can fix this?"

"She can," I piped in. Sabrina glanced over her shoulder to grin at me.

"Looks like you finally showed up!" Sabrina beamed. The turian guard glanced at me, and then Miranda, before nodding.

"Okay, why not? The quarantine is more to keep infected people in, anyway," he decided. "I'll radio ahead, tell them you're coming in."

The civilian who was watching the events unfold bristled, stomping forward. "Wait, you're stopping me but not them? You son of a bitch!"

"You don't have a grenade launcher, lady," the turian scoffed. "Get lost."

The three of us entered the district before a scene could happen in front of us. We didn't get any trouble from the other guards, one of them even wishing us luck before sealing the doors behind us.

That's when the smell hit me.

Burning bodies.

It was putrid, horrifying. I felt bile rise in my throat, Sabrina and Miranda raising their weapons to shoot at the Blue Suns that turned the corner. My hands shook as I pulled my sniper rifle off my back and aimed.

God, how many people were dying from this plague?

"Burning corpses," Mirandra drawled as the last merc fell. "Must be trying to keep the plague from spreading.

"…It's horrible," I whispered, keeping my gaze to the ground. God, the smell was horrible. I didn't want to see what the bodies looked like as they burned. Sabrina placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"You okay Kimmy?" she asked me softly. I nodded, head snapping up when I heard a cough.

"There's someone here," I announced, jogging to the other side of the room, keeping my gaze away from the flames. It was a batarian, laying on the ground, an arm wrapped around his stomach. I could see that he was in pain.

A plague victim.

"Human," he growled as he saw me. "Should have guessed. Bad enough you infect us with this plague, now you lack the decency to even wait until I die before you come to steal my possessions," he spat, Sabrina jogging up behind me.

"I have a bit of medical knowledge," I told him with a stiff expression. "Maybe I can help you." I took another step forward, jumping back as he aimed his weapon right at me.

"Get away from me, human!" the batarian wheezed. "Your kind has done too much already! Your plague did this to me. Your feigned pity is the final insult!"

"Kim, stay back," Sabrina ordered. I meekly obeyed, Miranda watching me cautiously. "We're looking for Mordin Solus," the commander told the batarian.

The plague victim scoffed. "Humans looking for the human sympathizer. I hope the vorcha burn Mordin and his clinic to the ground!" he coughed. "I hope you…" he hacked. "I hope… Damn it! Damn you! Can't…"

I had to help.

I pushed Sabrina to the side, kneeling down and administering medi-gel to the batarian with my omni-tool. "It's okay, I'm just trying to help," I stated firmly. "It's medi-gel. Won't cure the plague but it might help."

He stared at me, surprised. "You… you helped me. Why?" he asked, slowly picking himself off the ground.

"You needed help," I shrugged, averting my gaze. I could feel Miranda giving me a disapproving look. Sabrina moved beside me, a serious expression on her face.

"We're trying to find a cure for the plague," the commander added.

"Your words sound… sincere," the batarian muttered. "Maybe it's the fever, but as you said… what have I to lose?" he shook his head.

"When we find Mordin, I'll tell him about you," Sabrina assured. "If he has a cure, I'll make sure someone gets it to you."

"Thank you," the batarian told us sincerely. "My time is running short, but at least you have given me a flicker of hope to brighten the darkness of my final hours. I don't want to die. Whatever Mordin is, I will risk it, if he can reach me."

"Good luck," Sabrina nodded, leading the rest of us away. Once we were a fair distance from the batarian, Miranda tapped my shoulder.

"You wasted our supplies," she stated, bluntly. Anger bubbled in my chest. Why was so so cold? Luckily Sabrina rolled her eyes at the comment, just as annoyed as me, and gave Miranda a glare.

"She didn't waste our supplies, Miranda," the commander growled. "She was doing the right thing. Now, get along."

We made our way through the quarantine, shooting mercs and seeing more victims… each dead body I saw (that wasn't a merc) made me feel even more horrible. No wonder the batarian had been so wary of me. The plague was killing so many people, and everyone thought that the humans had caused it.

Whoever caused this plague needed to die. They needed to suffer like all these people did. I'd kill them myself if I had to.

…I wanted to kill them myself.

Sabrina let me hack into terminals and open locked doors… but when she entered people's homes I stayed outside and guarded the door. After all, we didn't want to get locked inside (we'd already found a turian who'd suffered that fate. Tried to claw his way out). She'd urged some survivors to head to Mordin's clinic, stopped some people that were looting apartments.

Eventually, we made it to the clinic.

I eyed the professor, intrigued. He looked relatively old for a salarian, his large eyes inquisitive. A few human doctors stood around him, jotting down notes as he instructed them on what to use for treatment.

"Professor Mordin Solus?" Sabrina cut in. His eyes darted up to meet hers, and he activated his omni-tool at a quick speed, scanning her in just a few seconds.

"Hmmm, don't recognize you from area," the salarian spoke rapidly. "Too well-armed to be refugees," he noted, pacing. "No mercenary uniform. Quarantine still in effect. Here for something else. Vorcha? Crew to clean them out? Unlikely. Corcha a symptom, not a cause," he turned to look at Sabrina, eyes twinkling. "The plague! Investigating possible use as bio-weapon? No, no. Too many guns, not enough data equipment. Soldiers, not scientists." My brain began processing all that he was saying. Mordin spoke quickly, his brain seemed to work a mile a minute, seeing multiple possibilities and breaking everything down. "Yes, yes, hired guns, maybe? Looking for someone-?"

Sabrina cut him off, smiling. "Relax Mordin," she giggled. I was almost disappointed. Hearing the salarian talk was fascinating for me. "I'm Commander Shepard, and I came here to find you," she explained, pointing at Miranda and me. "The short one's Kim, our field medic. Miranda's one of my officers. We're on a critical mission and we need your help."

His eyes widened in surprise. "Mission? What mission?" he frowned. "No, no, no. Too busy. Clinic understaffed. Plague spreading too fast," Mordin reasoned, picking up some supplies. "Who sent you?"

Miranda shot Sabrina a warning look, causing my sister to reply with a bit of awkwardness. "It's a covert and privately funded human group…"

"Related to plague," Mordin noted. "Doesn't affect humans. Human-centric interest. Few human groups would know me," he murmured. "Equipment suggests military origin. Not Alliance standard. Spectres… Not human. Terra Firma too unstable. Only one option."

I fucking loved this guy. I smirked, leaning against the wall. Watching him figure things out was really just amazing.

"Cerberus sent you," Mordin deducted, letting out a sigh. "Unexpected."

"You're very well informed," Sabrina complimented. "How did a salarian scientist hear about Cerberus?"

The salarian turned away from us, working at a rapid pace. "Crossed paths on occasion," he explained. "Thought they only worked with humans. Why request salarian aid?" Mordin inquired, curious. I glanced over at Miranda, whose expression was unreadable.

"We're shutting down the Collectors, that's why we need your help," Sabrina explained.

Mordin placed his hand against his chin, nodding thoughtfully. "Collectors? Interesting. Plague hitting these slums is engineered. Collectors one of few groups with technology to design it. Our goals may be similar," he reasoned. "But, must stop plague first. Already have a cure. Need to distribute it at environmental control center. Vorcha guarding it. Need to kill them."

"We can do that," Sabrina declared.

A loud whirring noise could be heard, the lights flickering and dimming.

"Okay, that's not good," I commented, standind up straight and grabbing my rifle off my back.

"Vorcha have shut down environmental systems," Mordin stated distastefully. "Trying to kill everyone. Need to get power back on before district suffocates."

Sabrina nodded. "Understood. Kim, think you can do that?"

My mind raced, but I nodded back at her. "I think so. I mean, if Vorcha could figure out how to turn them off I think I have a pretty good chance to turn them back on."

Mordin smiled, stepping forward and handing me a few vials. "Here, take plague cure. Also, bonus in good faith. Weapon from dead Blue Suns mercs," he handed me a pistol as soon as I had safely tucked the vials into my medical pouch. "May come in handy against vorcha."

I nodded, hooking the pistol onto my belt. "Thank you."

He nodded, turning back towards Sabrina. "One more thing. Daniel, one of my assistants. Went into vorcha territory looking for victims. Hasn't come back."

"We'll keep an eye out for him," Sabrina assured, turning to face me and Miranda. "Come on guys, let's head for the environmental plant."

I froze, stopping her. "Wait, Mordin!" I turned towards the salarian. "There's a batarian plague victim near the entrance to the neighborhood. Can you send someone to help him?"

Mordin looked up thoughtfully. "Hm, risky. Blue suns, vorcha still battling. District not secure… See what I can do."

"Thanks Mordin," Sabrina approved. "Come on Kim."

We followed behind the commander, moving quickly. After all… suffocating was not the kind of thing any of us would want to go through.

Especially Sabrina, considering…

My hands started to shake, I bit my lip and raised my rifle to shoot at a charging krogan. I had to stay calm, I had to stay calm. I couldn't panic, not here, not now. No, no no no…

I needed to focus. I needed to calm down. I needed to protect Sabrina, and I couldn't do that if I was relapsing.

"You've got this, CP," I whispered to myself, pulling the trigger. "You're… relatively safe. No one's going to suffocate."

"Kim! Cover me!" Sabrina ordered. I pulled the pistol Mordin gave me off my belt and shot frantically while she ran across to some other crates. Once they all fell… we made our way through the area. Killed more. Saw more… burning bodies.

We went up some dimly lit staircases, and then I heard the begging.

" _Please, I'm telling you the truth!"_ a desperate voice sounded from behind a door. _"I work for Mordin at the clinic, I came here to help you!"_

" _We know you're spreading the plague virus. We saw the vials in your bag."_

" _No! Those vials contain the cure! Please, you have to believe me!"_

…Fuck.

I readied my weapon. Sabrina reacted similarily to me, hitting the door panel to open it and entering with her gun raised. Miranda and I followed after her, ready for anything.

The batarian who I assumed was leading the group scoffed. "Maybe we should cut off your fingers, that should loosen your—"

One of the batarians noticed us, raising his weapon. "Look out!"

Everyone's weapons were up now, the batarian leader pointing his gun right at the human man's chest. "Don't move, one more step and we kill your friend," one of the batarians stated. I looked the man over. Mordin's assistant. It had to be… he had the cure, he was wearing an outfit similar to Mordin's other staff…

"I know you're scared," Sabrina started, trying to calm them down. "Of the vorcha, of the plague… but this man isn't to blame," she slowly lowered her weapon. "If he was spreading the virus, why would he come into vorcha territory? They're immune," she reasoned.

One of the other batarians nodded, thoughtful. "She's right. It doesn't make any sense."

The leader scowled. "If we release the prisoner, can we go?" he asked her.

No, Sabrina wouldn't… they were just about to kill someone for no reason!

"You have my word on it," Sabrina promised. My stomach churned, it was a bad decision! Regardless, the batarians lowered their guns.

"Let him go," the batarian leader decided. Mordin's assistant held his head in his hands, shaking with fear. Sabrina and Miranda holstered their weapons. "You got what you wanted, human, are we free to go?"

"We had a deal," Sabrina nodded.

I bit my lip. If we let them leave, this might happen again. They attacked someone who was unarmed and trying to help them… They'd probably already killed countless humans… How did we know that they wouldn't just fire at us when our backs were turned? They were blaming us for the plague! If we let them go, they could just turn around and kill us. Kill Sabrina… I… I couldn't let that happen.

They… They couldn't live. They had to die.

"I didn't make any deal," I stated coldly. Sabrina turned to look at me, shocked.

"Kim—" she started. I ignored her and fired, managing to take down two of them before they even had the chance to raise their weapons. Miranda responded quickly, taking down the others. Once all of them fell and the firing stopped, Mordin's assistant lowered his hands, looking at the dead bodies in horror.

Looking at me, like I was a monster. He thought I was a monster. "Oh my god, you murdered them!" he exclaimed. "In cold blood!"

I stayed silent, holstering my weapon and glaring at the ground.

"Get back to Mordin at the clinic," Sabrina ordered the man.

He glared at her. "This… This is wrong!" he cried, storming past us. "Wait until Mordin hears about this!"

I clenched my fists. Sabrina crossed her arms, standing right in front of me. "Kimmy…"

"We couldn't trust them," I whispered, tears springing to my eyes. I looked up at her, mortified. She… she probably thought I was a monster too. "What if they opened fire on us Sabs? They could have killed you!"

"We'll talk about this later," Sabrina sighed. She looked disappointed. Disappointed in me. "Let's go."

For the rest of the mission… I was practically a robot. I aimed. I fired. I didn't speak, my face showed no emotion. I felt horrible. Guilty. Numb. Earlier I'd been angry at Sabrina for not helping the batarian that Zaeed was tormenting… and here I was, murdering batarians. I was no better than him.

I was a monster.

Once the environmental systems were back up, and the cure had been administered to the whole district through the vents, we headed back to the clinic in silence.

"Environmental systems engaged. Airborn viral levels dropping, patients improving, vorcha retreating," Mordin listed, looking very pleased. "Well done, Shepard. Thank you."

His assistant was upset, unhappy. "Professor!" he growled. "How can you thank these… monsters? They butchered those batarians in cold blood!"

I felt anger bubble in my chest, and I glared up at him. "It was me who did it. Not Sabrina. I'm the monster, not her."

Sabrina gaped at me, surprised. "What? No, Kim, you're not a monster."

"She is a monster!" Daniel stated decisively. "You said that you were going to let them go, and then she killed them! She's a monster."

"We risked our lives to save you!" Sabrina snapped at him, now upset herself. "Don't you dare call Kim a monster! She turned the environmental systems back on and administered the cure to the whole district! If it wasn't for her, you'd all be dead."

Mordin frowned, turning to look at his assistant disapprovingly. "Shepard's right. Batarians tortured you, would have killed you. Right to kill them."

"Professor, how can you say that?" Daniel asked him, disgusted. "You're a doctor. You believe in helping people!"

"Lots of ways you help people," Mordin explained, nodding at me. "Sometimes heal patients. Sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps."

I stared at the salarian, feeling just… a little bit better now. When he said it like that… It made sense. I'd made the right decision.

"Go check on the patients," the professor told Daniel. "Lots of work to do. Think about what I said."

Without another word, Daniel sulked past us, leaving the room.

"Good kid, bit naïve. He'll learn," Mordin shrugged. "Letting him take over the clinic. Should be able to handle it now that vorcha are gone."

Sabrina stared at me for a moment, her expression unreadable, before looking back up at the salarian. "We've cured the plague. Are you ready to help stop the Collectors?" she asked him.

Mordin nodded, smiling. "Yes. Unexpected to be working with Cerberus. Many surprises." He glanced to the side. "Just need to finish up here at the clinic. Won't take long. Meet you at your ship. Looking forward to it."

"We'll see you there!" Sabrina agreed, taking my hand. "Okay, let's head back to the ship for a bit. Restock on ammo, that sort of thing… Miranda, do you mind going on ahead? I need to talk to Kim."

"Of course, Commander," Miranda nodded, leaving. Sabrina walked with me at a slow pace now, we didn't need to rush… and she wanted to make sure that Miranda couldn't hear our conversation.

"I'm sorry for not thinking things through with the batarians," Sabrina apologized softly. My eyes widened and I shook my head.

"No, no, it was my fault. You made the choice to let them go… I should have let them go," I responded frantically.

Sabrina smiled down at me, gently patting my head. "Kim, you were right. Okay? You were right. I'm glad that I can trust you to make the smart decisions. But next time, try to talk to me about it first."

"…Okay," I replied softly.

Then it hit me.

"Oh, Sabrina? I might have offered this quarian kid on his pilgrimage passage on the Normandy. I hope that's okay," I shrugged. "He was in a really bad spot, you know? And he reminded me of Tali when I first met her. I just had to help."

Sabrina let out a laugh, shoving me playfully. "Of course it's okay! Aw, you're such a sweetheart. I can't wait to meet him!"


	7. Archangel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! New chapter posted a few days early (Might be a bit busy this week). Thanks RiriYuki, HeartofGrima, and Tezzin for your wonderful reviews! Turian kisses for all of you ;D

Archangel was really something, I had to admit. I mean, fighting three gangs off all alone?

That's amazing. Completely and utterly insane, but amazing.

I hadn't even met this guy yet, and already I admired him.

"Hey Kimmy! Can you unlock this?" Sabrina pointed at a door. I glanced around, checking to make sure that there weren't any mercs or freelancers nearby.

"…Keep an eye out," I sighed, activating my omni-tool. "If you see anyone coming by, poke me." Sabrina nodded in response, her and Mordin keeping watch while I began unlocking the door's circuits. It didn't take me too long… maybe thirty seconds.

"Not bad," Mordin commented. "Very quick. Movements smooth, practiced… Skills likely picked up from young age," he theorized. "Honed over years… could be better."

"Yeah, but other than overloading systems and hacking things open, I'm pretty useless," I shrugged.

"Aw, at least you're good at flying. And almost good at shooting," Sabrina chirped. "So, what's in the room?"

I opened the doors and scanned the space. A YMIR mech was charging in the back, a couple of LOKI mechs against the wall to my left.

"Mechs," I answered, stepping inside. "So, EDI suggested sabotage, right?"

"Advisable," Mordin nodded. "Many mercenaries. Only three of us. Can turn off its friend-or-foe targeting so it can help us…" he glanced up at me. "Kim, would you like to learn how?"

I nodded enthusiastically, following Mordin to the mech's programming terminal. Sabrina smiled at the two of us, staying outside.

"I'm going to close the door and keep watch. Don't want you two getting caught," Sabrina grinned, the door sealing shut.

"Very simple to do," Mordin voiced, opening the circuit board. "Green wire is F-O-F targeting," he explained, pointing at a green wire. "Pull out the wire close to the top, attach to this piece of metal," He pointed at a small thing that kind of looked like it had an eyeball on it. "Simple. Try it."

I did what he told me, using tweezers that I'd pulled out from my medical pack. "…did I do it right?" I asked him curiously. Mordin smiled, nodding approvingly.

"Use of tweezers smart," he praised.

"Thanks," I replied with a grin.

Shutting the circuit board, he inspected me. "EDI mentioned you have medical knowledge. Will look at file, run tests. See what you know. Then can work with you better."

I stared at him dumbly. "Uh…What?"

"May need assistance on the Normandy at times," he explained. "You're training to be a licensed medic. I'll sometimes need help in the lab. Teaching you would be beneficial to us both."

"But I'm a Flight Officer, not a researcher," I argued, the door opening and allowing us to rejoin Sabrina. "And just because I have medical knowledge doesn't mean that I'm training to be a medic."

"Do you not want to be a medic?" Sabrina questioned me. "I think that you'd be a good one."

I shrugged off her comment, the three of us making our way through the area once more. "I don't know Sabs. I just… Well, I liked studying medicine. But on the Normandy I'm a pilot. Maybe when we're docked I can help out, I don't mind doing that… But if I can fly, I want to fly."

Especially now that I wasn't afraid of it anymore.

And maybe if I kept flying… Jeff and I could become friends again. It was how we became friends the first time around… Maybe it would work this time, too.

But last time… I fought so hard for us to be friends. Then I just… I stopped.

...What right did I even have to his friendship now?

I bit my lip, feeling my heart sink.

And I was so different now. Sabrina knew it too. What if only Old Kim could be friends with Jeff? And Tali, Wrex, Kaidan, Ashley…

My hands tightened around my rifle.

…What would Ashley think if she saw me now?

If she was still alive… would she even recognize me? Sabrina didn't when she first woke up.

I barely kept my friendships with Karin and Garrus. I hadn't even spoken to Garrus since he went off the grid. That was about two months after he'd left the Citadel. If we ran into each other again would he still recognize me? After he'd left… I'd kept on changing.

Old Kim never would have shot those batarians.

"It's okay if you want to do other things too though," Sabrina encouraged. "As long as you like it!"

I grinned over at her, shaking my head. Sure, I'd always been at least a little bit interested in medicine… But Sabrina knew me as a pilot. She knew I loved to fly.

I needed her to recognize me.

"I don't mind helping out!" I assured. "It's just that I want to fly. It's what I've always loved to do, Sabs. Don't take it away from me!"

Sabrina let out a laugh, rolling her eyes at me. "I'm not stopping you! Just do what makes you happy!"

"Being with you makes me happy," I pouted, turning my head to look at her. Mordin chuckled, smiling and shaking his head.

"Offer always open, Miss. Kogan," Mordin stated. "Work with Collectors will be fascinating! Can't wait to get started. Archangel first, though."

"I can't wait to meet Archangel," I grinned, the three of us heading towards Archangel's hideout. There was an open area and I could see him picking off a few mercs. A small group of humans were gathered near the gunship. "He's like, a Turian Batman or something. Ridding Omega of crime, enforcing justice his own way… Garrus would love him."

A bullet hit me in the chest, taking out my shields. Another one followed shortly after that, doing the same thing to Sabrina.

Oh, I was not okay with that.

"I'm going to punch Archangel in the face!" I fumed, glaring at the turian's base and pointing my rifle. Sabrina burst out in laughter and dragged me towards some cover.

"Advise against that," Mordin mused as we ran. "Punching not ideal strategy for making allies."

"I don't care!" I cried, stomping my foot childishly. "No one takes out my shields and gets away unscathed! Archangel will pay!"

"That's my Kimmy," Sabrina laughed, cuddling me. "Oh, I missed you. That was so cute! Come on, let's go… We're looking for Cathka, right?"

"Correct," Mordin confirmed. "Might be one of them," the salarian pointed at the humans by the gunship.

"Okay," Sabrina nodded, jogging towards them. We followed after her quickly, and I kept glancing towards Archangel's base suspiciously.

…If he shot me again, I would definitely punch him.

Sabrina approached the humans in her usual friendly way. "Hey, we're looking for Cathka!"

They nodded, moving out of the way and pointing behind the gunship. There I saw a batarian making repairs. "Seargant Cathka," he grumbled, stepping away from the ship and turning to face us. "Ah, you must be the group Salkie mentioned. You're just in time."

"Were you waiting for us?" Sabrina questioned. Cathka shook his head.

"The infiltration team is about to give us the signal. Archangel won't know what hit him," the batarian stated confidently. Inwardly I laughed. They wouldn't know what hit them. "Got any questions? This may be your last chance."

I glanced around, looking for something I could use to sabotage the gunship. Because if they had that thing on their side… Didn't matter that we hacked the heavy mech.

"Are you the one that's leading the assault?" Sabrina inquired. Cathka snorted.

"Tarak doesn't pay me to fight. I just plan the attacks and fix the damn gunship," he answered. "You freelancers get the privilege of—"

He was cut off by some comm chatter. _"Target is in sight, we're a go."_

"Check. Bravo team… Go, go, go!" the batarian ordered. The three humans nodded, opening the doors to the bridge and leaving. No one else was with us now, other than Cathka… and the gunship.

That he was repairing.

And fighting a gunship… that wouldn't be a lot of fun.

He kept speaking to Sabrina, and I noticed an electric tool… Without another thought, I picked it up and stabbed the batarian in the back with it, electrifying him and his armor. "Archangel took out my shields, I'm not letting a gunship kill him," I drawled. Sparks flew around him, and he let out a long, pained sound before collapsing to the ground. Sabrina gaped at me in shock and I shrugged. "What? Don't tell me you wanted the gunship to get repaired," I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at her.

"Logical decision Miss Kogan," Mordin nodded approvingly, walking past to follow the other mercs.

"Please, call me Kim," I announced with a mocking bow. Sabrina frowned at me, but didn't say a word and followed after Mordin.

It was easy for us to get across the bridge. Especially when Archangel saw us shooting at the other mercs. I looked up at him, his scope pointed at me, and gave him a thumbs down. His rifle shook slightly, like he was laughing. I couldn't see his face though because of the mask.

We ran up the staircase, our guns readied. Sabrina shot the guy who was trying to unlock the door that led to Archangel right in the head.

"See that Kimmy?" Sabrina announced. "That's what Garrus should have taught you! When we find that bastard I'm going to tell him a thing or two about teaching someone to shoot."

"Yeah, and maybe he can teach you how to unlock a door," I mused, stepping forward and unlocking the door.

"Mordin, cover our backs," Sabrina ordered, the door opened quickly, Sabrina walking in first. "Archangel?" She called. The turian raised a hand in response, returning his hand to his rifle and aiming at one of the remaining mercs. He fired, and I heard the sound of a body dropping.

One shot kill. Nice.

The final merc down, he turned to face us, raising a talon to pull off his helmet and throwing it to the side.

My eyes widened, my body freezing in place.

He took a seat on some crates, giving us a tired smile. "Shepard," he greeted. "I thought you were dead."

Garrus.

This was where he'd gone after he quit C-sec? He left so he could start a war with three different gangs? And he left me out of it?!

"You son of a bitch," I stormed towards him, Sabrina reacting quickly and grabbing my arm to stop me from showing him just how much stronger I'd gotten without him around.

"No Kimmy don't punch him!" She laughed, grinning at me. Then she turned to Garrus and laughed again when she saw his amused grin, which was directed at me. That smug—"Garrus, you better explain to Kimmy what you're doing here before she does a crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon on you."

"Just keeping my skills sharp, a little target practice," Garrus chuckled, his mandibles fluttering. "Kim, long time no see."

"When we're out of here I'm going to have many words with you Garrus Vakarian," I growled, glaring at him darkly. "Many, many words. Angry ones."

"We're just surprised to see you!" Sabrina cut in, looking at him worriedly. Her hand left my arm. "You okay?"

Garrus nodded. "Been better, but it sure is good to see some friendly faces," he glanced at me. "Killing mercs is hard work. Especially on my own."

My anger completely dissipated. He was alone. He… he'd been fighting mercs for days, all on his own. Looking closely, I could see how exhausted he was. This was the first time I'd seen him in months and the first thing I did was get angry…

I ran towards him and threw my arms around his torso for a hug.

"Whoa there," Garrus was a bit taken aback, patting my head with an armored talon. "I missed you too, kiddo."

"Kimmy!" Sabrina whined. "You didn't do that to me when you saw me for the first time in years! And he shot you! And me!"

"Concussive rounds only, no harm done," Garrus shrugged. I released him and took a few steps back. "Didn't want the mercs getting suspicious," he added at my disbelieving look.

"Uh-huh," Sabrina smirked.

"If I wanted to do more than take your shields down, I'd have done it," the turian affirmed, mandibles fluttering. "Besides, you were taking your sweet time. I needed to get you moving."

"Fine, I'll forgive you," I grumbled. "For shooting me. Not for becoming Omega's Archangel and not telling me."

"Since when did you start calling yourself Archangel anyways?" Sabrina pressed. I crossed my arms and stared at the turian expectantly.

"It's just a name the locals gave me for all my good deeds," he shrugged. "I don't mind it, but please… It's just 'Garrus' to you," the turian coughed, averting his gaze from Sabrina's… shyly, maybe?

Oh how cute. She made him nervous.

"Mordin, feel free to call him 'Turian Batman'," I suggested. Garrus shook his head at my antics, smiling good naturedly.

"Noted, will consider," Mordin replied.

"Is that a human reference?" Garrus interjected. I nodded. "Ah, okay."

"On to the more important question…" Sabrina chimed. "How'd you manage to piss off every major merc organization in the Terminus Systems?"

Oh yeah, that was something I'd like to know.

"It wasn't easy, I really had to work at it," Garrus bragged. "I'm amazed that they teamed up to fight me. They must _really_ hate me."

"That's not really something to brag about," I coughed.

"I hated you there too. Don't take my shields out without my permission," Sabrina teased. "But seriously, I don't think getting out will be as easy."

"No, it won't," the turian sharpshooter agreed, moving to his feet. "That bridge has saved my life… funneling all those witless idiots into scope," he gestured for Sabrina to join him. "But it works both ways," he explained, pointing down the bridge. "They'll slaughter us if we try to get out that way."

"Between a rock and a hard place," Sabrina added thoughtfully. "Got any other suggestions?"

"This place has held them off so far… and with the three of you…" Garrus's eyes twinkled. He had an idea. "I suggest we hold this location, wait for a crack in their defenses, and take our chances."

Wow. That was a great plan.

"Amazing," I grumbled sarcastically.

The turian shrugged at me. "It's not a perfect plan, but it's a plan."

Sabrina shot me a glare before turning back to Garrus. "We're all about risks and chances but what happened Garrus? You know better than to trap yourself."

Garrus bristled. I tilted my head to the side, curious. "My feelings got in the way of my better judgement. It's a long story," he told her curtly. "I'll make you a deal. You get me out of here alive and I'll tell you the whole damn thing."

"Throw some drinks in and I'm in," I shrugged, reloading my rifle.

"Some sugary human beverage for you, Kim," Garrus answered with a gentle look. "Shepard gets the beer."

I placed my hand over my heart dramatically. "Oh, you're not fun."

"Let's get ready," Sabrina chuckled. "They'll be here soon."

"Yeah. That they will," Garrus agreed, moving towards his vantage point. "Let's see what they're up to." I followed behind him and Sabrina, holding up my rifle to see what was happening. "Hmm… looks like they know their infiltration team failed," the turian mumbled, standing up and handing Sabrina his rifle. "Take a look. Scouts. Eclipse, I think."

Peering through my scope, I clicked my tongue. "Wrong. You're losing your vision old man."

"Keep talking, Shortcake," he shot back. I turned my head to grin at him.

Man, I'd missed Garrus. I just felt so comfortable around him.

Sabrina fired the turian's rifle, shooting the head off one of the mechs. "Dead now."

"Indeed," Garrus mused, taking his rifle back with a stern expression. "We better get ready. I'll stay up here, I can do a lot of damage from this vantage point. You? You can do what you do best. Just like old times, Shepard. Let's give these bastard's everything we've got."

"Sabs, I'm staying up here with Turian Batman," I told the commander, who nodded understandingly. "Any headshots you see are mine, not his."

"I'll be willing to lie and say that one or two of them were yours," the turian teased, readying his rifle.

"Just stay safe you two," Sabrina ordered. "Mordin, let's guard the stairs and get the ones that get past the bridge."

"Understood," Mordin answered, following her out. I readied my rifle, Garrus really had chosen a good vantage point. Maybe some of the headshots would actually be mine.

"By the way, Garrus? I've grown half an inch. You may now call me Tallcake," I told him matter-of-factly. Garrus chuckled, readying his rifle.

He fired, shooting the head off the mech. "We're going to have a lot of catching up to do when we get out of here, aren't we Kim?"

I nodded, shooting the leg off another. "I will probably be far angrier at you when we're safe."

Garrus let out another chuckle, amused. "I'm counting on it."

So we fought back against the mercs. I stuck by Garrus, helping him get the ones that tried to get across the bridge. When the heavy mech was dropped, the two of us got a bit of time to relax while it slaughtered our enemies for us. Garrus was pretty impressed that Mordin taught me how to disable the Friend-or-Foe targeting. Sabrina came back up to see us when the mercs stopped coming through.

"You're kicking ass, Shepard, they barely touched me," Garrus boasted. "Kim here even got a few headshots in."

…Yeah, I didn't. He was just being nice.

The turian's eyes glinted with pride. "And we got Jaroth in the process. I've been hunting that little bastard for months."

"As much as I'd love to hear this story, we need to get out of here," Sabrina beamed at him. "We've got Blood Pack and Blue Suns left. Think we can make a break for it?"

"Maybe. Let's see what they're up to," Garrus turned to check through his scope. "They've reinforced the other side… heavily. But they're not coming over the bridge yet." I peeked through my scope, frowning. How come none of them were coming over the bridge?

Were they getting smarter?

"They're waiting for something," I muttered.

Garrus nodded in agreement. "The question is, for what?"

The ground shook slightly and we could hear a blast. Alarms began to blare loudly, and I moved to grab more ammo from Garrus's stash. Needed to keep more on hand… and he had a lot of ammo, surprisingly.

"Damn it," Garrus cussed. "They've breached the lower level. Well, hey had to use their brains eventually. You better get down there, Shepard. I'll keep the bridge clear."

"Not alone you're not," Sabrina snapped. "Kim, you're… almost a sniper," she stated, glancing at the turian. "Garrus, we're going to talk about that later," her gaze returned to me. "Keep him alive Kimmy."

"Thanks Shepard," Garrus placed a talon on my shoulder. "I'll keep her safe, too. Go down a level, the basement door is on the west side of the main room, behind the stairs."

"Sabs, be careful," I told her, eyes pleading. "Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?"

I didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone. What if… What if she got in trouble?

"I'll be fine, Kimmy," she assured. "I have Mordin with me. Stay on the comm if you're worried, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded, watching Sabrina as she left. I huddled near Garrus, keeping my rifle pointed at the bridge.

"She's going to be fine, Kim," Garrus comforted, giving me a turian smile.

I frowned, keeping my eyes on the bridge, not answering. I focused on the mercs, always aiming for the legs to cripple them while Garrus focused on the headshots and giving Sabrina instructions. I didn't speak again until Garrus ordered me to go down to help Sabrina when Blood Pack mercs managed to make it into the base.

That fight didn't take long, so we headed back up to Garrus to regroup.

Then the gunship came in.

"Damn it! I thought I took that thing out already!" Garrus growled, ducking behind cover. I was hiding next to Sabrina, Mordin moving behind some crates.

"They fixed it, but not completely!" Sabrina called back to him. "Wait until I tell you what Kim did!"

I gave Garrus my most innocent look when he glanced over at me. The next battle was… chaotic. Some mercs got to the staircase, Sabrina, Mordin and me rushing to repel them. Then the gunship…

We went through the door just in time to see a missile hit Garrus. The blast threw us back, and I stumbled to my feet, seeing Sabrina charge into the room with rage.

And take on a gunship all by herself.

"Take care of Garrus!" she screamed at me, and I did. I crawled over to his dead body, still dazed, clumsily administering medi-gel to stop the bleeding. Oh god, there was so much blood. Blue, pooling all around us… I couldn't… Was he dead? He wasn't moving…

"Garrus, Garrus wake up," I cried, he was curled on his side, his eyes closed. What was I supposed to do? I… the medi-gel stopped the bleeding, but he'd lost so much. I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know how to help him.

"Kim!" Mordin shouted, "Check for pulse! Perform standard CPR if there isn't one. Prevent further trauma! Don't let him get shot!"

My head spun, but I moved my fingers to his neck. There was a pulse, it was weak but there was a pulse. I clenched my eyes shut and moved my body to shield Garrus as the gunship exploded, Sabrina making a beeline towards us. He just wasn't responding.

"Garrus!" she sobbed, placing a hand on his arm.

He responded.

His blue eyes shot open, filled with pain, and he reached out and grasped his rifle, whimpering.

"We're getting you out of here, Garrus," Sabrina soothed, taking hold of his talon. "Just hold on."

Pained noises, rasps, wheezes. I stood up and turned on my comm. We needed to get help. "Joker, tell Chakwas to get the med-bay ready."

" _CP? Are you okay?"_ the pilot responded, worried. _"Is it Shepard?"_

"It's… Garrus," I whispered. Mordin had found a stretcher in one of the storage closets and placed it next to the turian's body. Sabrina was helping him roll Garrus onto it, luckily the medigel I'd applied wasn't breaking, or he'd be bleeding again. I cringed, a harsh noise erupting from the turian's throat.

I'd never heard anything make a noise like that before.

We rushed back to the Normandy, Sabrina was completely torn up as we moved Garrus to the Med bay. She tried to enter, but Mordin stopped her. "No, won't help," he told her firmly before turning to me. "Kim, you'll help. Chakwas, help remove his armor."

"Wait, what?" I blurted, panicked. Chakwas tossed me a set of scrubs.

"Change into those now," Karin ordered before moving towards Garrus. I turned to look at Sabrina, who watched me with wide eyes.

"Save him," she begged, tears pooling in her eyes.

I clenched my jaw and nodded, the med-bays doors sealing shut. I threw off my armor haphazardly and quickly pulled the scrubs over my body and snatching a pair of gloves before joining Mordin and Karin at the operating table

When I saw him, I felt sick.

Where the rocket hit him there were pieces of metal sticking out… and there was so much blood… The turian stared up at me, his bright blue eyes filled with pain. He looked so different without armor. Smaller…

I'd never seen him like this before. He rasped for air, and I bit my lip…

No.

Garrus didn't need to see how afraid I was. He was in so much pain…

I had to save him.

"Need to administer anesthesia before surgery, Kim, keep him calm, strap him down," Mordin ordered. Garrus struggled against the table, swiping one of his talons at the salarian doctor. Mordin didn't even blink. "Turians tend to be violent when in pain. Chakwas, need blood transfusion."

I glanced at the salarian for a moment and nodded. I looked Garrus in the eyes and gave him a smile, placing a hand on his arm. "Okay Garrus, look at me, okay? I don't know if you can hear me because you took a rocket to the side of your face, but I'm here," with my other hand I grabbed on to one of the operating table's straps, pulling it over his body and snapping it shut. "We've got you. You're going to be fine, don't fight," I warned when he tried to raise his arm, his eyes darting around wildly. "Shh," I soothed, strapping down his arms. From the corner of my eyes I could see Karin bringing an IV over, and Mordin preparing a syringe. I moved to strap Garrus's legs down before moving back into his line of vision. "Hey, Turian Batman," I grinned. He kept his eyes on me, still in pain but… calmer now. "Yeah, you're going to be fine," I told him decisively. "Because if you die, I'll never forgive you. I still need to give you hell for not telling me you were going to Omega of all places!"

"Administering anaesthesia," Mordin announced, and slowly Garrus's eyes closed. "Kim, insert IV needle."

My head snapped up and I looked at Karin, who handed me the IV. She smiled at me fondly. "You can do this," Karin assured. "It's just an IV. Mordin and I will perform the surgery."

Holding my breath, I nodded, taking the needle and inspecting Garrus's arm. Prominent vein… prominent vein…

"Don't worry about missing the vein," Mordin added. "Won't feel a thing. Plus, he took missile to the face. Needle completely harmless in comparison."

"Thank you for the encouragement," I muttered, getting to work. Carefully I pulled the needle out, slowly moving the catheter into the vein. Karin handed me some sterile bandages and the tubing. While I worked on securing it, Mordin prepared for the surgery.

"Will need to use cybernetics," he explained. "Too much damage done… Hearing lost in left ear. Cybernetics can fix… skin should heal over it. Scarring very likely…" Mordin glanced up at me "Kim, thank you for your help. Can take it from here. Tell Shepard he'll be fine."

I nodded, taking one last look at Garrus before pulling off my gloves and discarding them along with my smocks. Karin smiled at me, a glimmer of pride in her eyes before getting to work.

Silently, I collected my scattered armor and left the med bay.

Sabrina was there, sitting on the floor against the wall. She was still in her armor, blue blood caked onto it. As the doors slid open her head shot up to look at me. "…Is he okay?"

I smiled down at her gently, offering her a hand up. "He's going to be fine. Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

The two of us headed to the elevator, and I pressed the button to take us up to her quarters. We didn't speak… I just helped her out of her armor, turned on her shower...

Then I waited while she washed up. Placed my armor neatly in the corner of her room.

"Thank you, Kim," Sabrina piped up when she came out, smiling at me sadly. "I don't know what would've happened if you weren't there."

I grinned at her sheepishly. "Geez, I'd hate to see what you would have been like if it had been me on that operating table instead of Garrus."

"Wha?" Sabrina's smile disappeared and I could tell that she was ready to cry again. "Don't even talk like that. I'd be nowhere if it weren't for you."

Shrinking back, I nodded. "Sorry…"

"It's okay," she assured, stepping forward and pulling me into a hug. "For the love of spirits, don't scare me. I didn't think two years would mean you'd out-grow me. You're shooting people, stabbing them, and not even batting an eye. It's hard for me to remember that I wasn't around. You've grown."

"…I know," I responded softly, hugging her back. "…I've grown a whole half inch." She pulled away, giggling, looking into my eyes with a sad smile.

"I just want you to be happy, okay Kimmy?" she asked me. I nodded. "Don't just think about me. Think about you. What you want, and what you want to do. As long as it doesn't involve throwing yourself into danger for me, I'll be happy." A smile appeared on my face and I nodded. "Good," she sniffles and wipes the stray tears away. "Now get out of here, I'm going to sleep."

A smile appeared on my face and I nodded, walking out of her room without another word. Sabrina needed her rest, I didn't even know when the last time I'd slept was. As the elevator started going down, I realized that I'd forgotten my armor up in Sabrina's room… Oh well, I could get it later. But I kept thinking about Sabrina's words…

What did I want?

I wanted Sabrina to be safe, but I had to remember that she could take care of herself… The only time I could jump in the way of bullets for her was if she was actually in danger. I… I wanted to fix my relationships with, well, everyone really.

…Mostly Jeff.

Hesitantly, I hit the button to take me down to the crew deck. Coffee. I used to bring him coffee, I could do that. It was something, it was a start.

Sabrina was right, I couldn't just do things for her. I needed to do things for me, and for everyone else…

I had to keep trying.

I entered the cockpit quietly, the ship already in the air and out of Omega. The coffee that I'd grabbed for Jeff felt hot in my hand, and my heart beat rapidly.

I was going to try and fix things. I was going to try. I'd lost Ashley. I'd lost Sabrina, then I got her back.

Tali, Wrex, Kaidan… I needed to get them back too. And today, Garrus almost joined Ashley.

…I wasn't going to lose Jeff. He used to be my best friend.

We used to be a team.

Maybe we could be a team again, I wanted to be a team again. Sure, Old Kim was gone… But that didn't have to mean that I had to stop being friends with everyone. If I tried, then maybe I could get all of them back. Maybe I could be… more like I used to be.

I just had to try. I couldn't just try for Sabrina, I had to do it for me, too.

And maybe… I could be happy again. Truly happy. Like when we were fighting against Saren and the Geth. Like… when Jeff told me that he'd miss me if I transferred to another ship.

…Admittedly, I missed him.

A smile appeared on my lips and I opened my mouth to greet him.

"Hey EDI, do we have a green light on that switchover?" he asked the AI before I made my presence known.

" _Yes, Mr. Moreau,"_ EDI responded.

What… what happened to not letting the AI take my job away?

My chest ached. I turned around quietly and left before he noticed me. He flew without me. Of course he flew without me. He had the AI to help him now, I was being replaced.

…It made sense though. I mean, I was busy helping with Garrus… I wasn't here… He needed to fly.

I walked quickly back to the elevator, stopping to hand Kelly the coffee. "Enjoy," I told her with a forced smile before hitting the elevator's call button and stepping inside.

Mordin said his offer was always open. I could help out more with Garrus, I could learn more about medicine and…

I hugged myself, feeling tears begin to pool in my eyes. My chest hurt. I was being replaced. Frantically I wiped at my eyes, forcing myself to just _stop crying_. I couldn't let anyone see me like this, it wasn't like it was a big deal anyways. It wasn't that big of a deal. I was just being selfish, wanting things to go back to how they used to be.

Jeff just didn't need me as his co-pilot anymore. Maybe he never needed me in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the hearts that I've just broken with the sheer amount of feels.


	8. Cold Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listened to Cold Coffee by Ed Sheeran on repeat while writing this. Might not post next week guys, I've been having trouble writing chapter ten. Lots of trouble. Anyways, Thanks reviewers for ch 7! It's really you guys that keep me going, so thanks. Much love! Oh, and... Pay attention to any and all songs I end up putting in the fic. They're all special. All of them. Even the ones that are just titles.

I sat, alone, in the mess hall. I didn't even really know how much time had passed with me just… sitting there. Chef Gardner was checking the food stocks in the kitchen nearby. Mordin had exited the med bay a few hours prior, stayed with me to chat for a little bit. We discussed plans, he'd be my mentor and I'd help him in between missions as soon as he finished getting settled in the Research Lab.

Until then, I was to continue my duties as normal. By name, at least, I was still the Normandy's co-pilot. Technically I should be up on the bridge right now, but I just didn't see the point. A cup of coffee was on the table in front of me. I'd poured it when I'd come down… It stood there, untouched.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd slept… definitely before Sabrina woke up… that was a few days ago.

God, and Garrus… he'd almost died. He was going to be fine though.

"Um, Officer Kogan?" A voice greeted meekly. My head snapped up at the voice, and I smiled when I saw who it was.

"Kenn, good to see you," I responded. "Enjoying the ship so far?"

"Yes," he confirmed with a nod. I gestured to the seats around me, and the boy hesitantly sat in the one across from me. "I've spoken with Commander Shepard, she said that I could stay on the ship and help around… Said that maybe I'd find something useful for my Pilgrimage."

"Wouldn't be the first time that happened," I shrugged. "Do you know Tali'Zorah nar Rayya? She was the last quarian we traveled with."

"Ah, I've heard of her," Kenn replied excitedly. "My mother used to serve on the Rayya before she married my father. She was friends Rael'Zorah before he became an Admiral."

I tilted my head to the side, looking at the boy curiously. "Rael'Zorah? Is that Tali's dad?"

Kenn nodded enthusiastically. "Yes."

"That's cool," I commented, grinning at the boy tiredly. "So, anything else you'd like to talk about?"

"A-ah, I-I was just," Kenn stuttered, fiddling with his hands. "Well, you're the one who invited me onto the Normandy… I wanted to thank you again."

"No problem, Kenn," I leaned back in my seat and stared at him expectantly.

"I was wondering if there was anything you needed done on the ship," he confessed, looking away. "O-or if I could work with you while I'm here."

My gaze turned gentle and I shrugged. "Sorry Kenn, I'm just a Flight Officer. I don't really have any authority to assign jobs for you to do."

"O-oh," Kenn mumbled, sounding dejected. I felt a bit bad, he was here… and he really didn't know anyone else on the ship. Hell, he hardly knew me.

"Want to just… hang out and talk for a bit?" I suggested nonchalantly. "Maybe while we do that I can think of something you could do on the ship. We'd have to ask Sabrina first, but I'm sure it shouldn't be a problem."

"…Sure," Kenn replied softly, keeping his gaze to the floor. "Um, who's Sabrina?"

I grinned at the boy sheepishly, rubbing the back of my head. "Ah, Commander Shepard. We grew up together, so I don't really call her by her rank or anything like that. I'd been bad at it with everyone else too when I was younger, so… most people I just call by name."

"Could I call you by name, too?" he asked me meekly.

A small laugh escaped my throat, and I nodded at him kindly. "Of course, go ahead. I don't mind. Others might, so I'd ask them first before you call them by name."

"Okay," Kenn nodded, glancing down. "Um, Kim?" I raised an eyebrow and he stood up stiffly. "Would it be possible for you to show me around the ship? Or, um, introduce me to people?"

It wasn't an unreasonable request. Plus, it would give me the chance to get to meet some of the crew too. "Sure, I don't mind," I shrugged. "Just warning you now though, I don't know everyone on the ship yet myself. Come on, I'll introduce you to Karin. If Garrus is awake now, you can meet him too."

"Thank you so much, Kim," Kenn exclaimed, a hint of awe in his voice. I headed towards the med bay, gesturing for the quarian boy to follow me. "So… how long have you been a pilot?"

"Started training at fifteen," I answered. "I'm twenty-seven now. Hmm, been working on ships for about seven years I think. Would have been nine, but some things happened," I dropped the topic, knocking on the door before it slid opened, revealing a stern Chakwas and a grumpy Garrus. He was awake, bandages covered the right side of his face, neck, and shoulders. I could see fresh pink scars peeking through the edge of his face bandage, his mandible looking incredibly raw.

"Chakwas, I'm fine. Shepard's one deck up, right? I'm going to go talk to her," Garrus decided. Chakwas glared at him and shook his head.

"Officer Vakarian, not even a day ago did a rocket hit you in the face," Chakwas growled. "And only a few hours ago did we complete the surgical procedures required to not only keep you alive, but have you functioning. Now, you need your rest."

"Come on Karin, you know he's as stubborn as I am," I teased, smiling and walking towards the two of them quickly. Kenn stood by the door awkwardly, shy. "Garrus! Glad to see you're up," I hugged him around his torso, avoiding the bandages wrapped around his right shoulder.

"Ah, Kim," Garrus greeted fondly. "Here to help me escape, perhaps?"

"She'll do no such thing," Karin disagreed. I released the turian and pointed back towards Kenn.

"Actually, I'm showing Kenn around. Kenn, this is Doctor Chakwas, the injured turian's my friend Garrus," I informed the younger boy. He lifted up a hand and waved, Garrus crossed his arms and inspected him.

"I'm surprised at you Kim, hanging out with a quarian other than Tali? What would she think?" Garrus joked. I rolled my eyes and headed to the back of the room, spotting Garrus's partially blown up torso armor laying on the ground.

"Put your armor on," I ordered, throwing it at him. "Karin, if you try to stop him he's just going to get really annoying. Just let him go talk to Sabrina for a bit. Besides, she's worried sick about him."

Karin pursed her lips. "If you start bleeding again, don't come to me," she warned the turian.

Garrus chuckled, undoing the clasps on his armor. "I'll be sure to go to Kim instead," he mused, shrugging. "So, Shortcake, how do I look? Chakwas refused to give me a mirror."

"It was the first thing he asked for when he woke up," Karin drawled, moving to sit at her desk. "Kim, have you gotten any rest since Garrus's surgery? You look half dead."

"I'm fine, Karin," I crossed my arms, turning to look at Kenn. The kid was shy, I guessed. "Well, shall we head on down to the Engineering deck?" Kenn nodded and I turned back to Garrus. "Let me know when you're feeling better, okay? We need to catch up."

Garrus nodded. "What was it you said back on Omega? You'd be far angrier at me when we're safe?"

Scoffing, I waved him off. "Angry words. I will have angry words with you. Lucky for you, I'm waiting till you're mostly healed."

"Looking forward to it," the turian called after me as Kenn and I left.

The quarian was pretty quiet as we walked to the elevator, rubbing his arms awkwardly. "So Kenn, what's up?" I asked him, pushing the call button. "You've been awfully quiet."

"Ah, sorry," he apologized, rubbing the back of his head. The elevator doors opened and we stepped inside. "You said that you're a Flight Officer… Why were you on Omega then? Don't most pilots stay on the bridge?"

I grinned at him. "Well, these past few years I've been broadening my skillset, you know? I knew the basics of how to use a gun before, and I've always been good at sneaking around… Garrus added onto my combat training last year, so I can fight topside with Sabrina if she needs me to."

"What other things do you do?" Kenn pressed, eager to learn more. It made me feel a bit nervous honestly, not a lot of people interrogated me like this.

"I was in school for a bit…" I started, the elevators reopening on the Engineering Deck. "Medical School. Doctor Chakwas was mentoring me. But soon I'll be learning from Mordin," I told the quarian simply. "Do you want to read my files or something?" I let out an awkward laugh. "I'm not that interesting Kenn. If you want to hear amazing stories of epic battles, I'd talk to Garrus or Sabrina."

Kenn's glowing eyes widened and he shook his head. "Oh, no I'm sorry," he blurted. "I just wanted to get to know you a bit better. I just…" I smiled. He was pretty easy to fluster, just like Tali used to be. "I've never met someone like you before. So far on my Pilgrimage the people I've met have been, well… you saw Omega."

"I guess I must have been the friendliest person you've met," I noted, leading him towards the ship's core. There had to be some crew members there for us to meet. "Sorry for not being the best for questions," I shrugged, doors sliding open. There were a few consoles in the room, and I poked my head inside to see if I could spot the ship's drive core. It was a beauty, I had to admit. I liked the one on the original Normandy better of course, but this one was still nice.

"It's fine, I'm sorry for being nosy," Kenn mumbled. I shook my head, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry about it Kenn," I stated firmly, turning around to greet the other crewmembers. "Hello," I greeted the two engineers who were busy working at their consoles. One was a girl with dark, reddish brown hair and matching eyes. The other was a man with auburn hair and hazel eyes, sporting pretty decent facial hair.

"'ello, Lass," the man greeted in a Scottish accent, a cheeky grin on his face. "Pleasure ta make your acquaintance. Names Ken Donnelly."

The girl crossed her arms and shot the man a dark look. "Kenneth, that's Flight Officer Kimberly Kogan. You know, the Commander's sister? Might not want to try making any moves on her." I tilted my head to the side, confused. Did everyone know about me? I didn't know any of them. The girl smiled at me and held out a hand. "Sorry about him. I'm Engineer Gabriella Daniels, I'm responsible for the propulsion systems. What can we do for you?"

"I'm just checking out the ship and showing Kenn around," I explained, pointing at the quarian boy. "He's on Pilgrimage and he's going to help out on the ship for a while. He wanted to meet some of the crew."

"It's nice to meet you," Kenn added, nodding at the engineers. Gabby smiled at him and waved.

"Nice to meet you too, Kenn," the girl replied with a friendly tone.

Engineer Donnelly clapped the quarian on the shoulder. "Looks like we've got two Ken's on the Normandy now."

"Ah, I hope we work well together," Kenn responded awkwardly. Gabby rolled her eyes.

"Don't taint the kid, Kenneth!" she grumbled at him before looking back at me. "Anyways, we're going to have to get back to work. Hope we'll see you around Officer Kogan."

"Just call me Kim," I requested. "The only ones who really call me by rank are, well… just Miranda. Jacob goes back and forth, but it's mostly just Miranda."

"Lass, don't get me started on Miranda," Donnelly smirked. Gabby and I both let out exasperated sighs, awkwardness coming off of Kenn in waves.

"Come on Kenn," I took the boy's hand, leading him out of the room. "It was nice to meet you Gabby, we'll talk more later."

"Where to now, Kim?" Kenn asked me curiously. I looked up in thought. I could take him to the CIC to meet Jacob and Mordin. And… there was Jeff, and EDI… I frowned, my thoughts darkening slightly. "Kim?" Kenn repeated, a bit worriedly. I shook my head and grinned.

"CIC, I guess? I can introduce you to Mordin. He, uh, ran a clinic on Omega," I explained, heading towards the elevator. I pressed the call button, and the doors opened. Sabrina was inside.

"Kimmy! Kenn!" she greeted cheerfully. "What are you two doing?"

"Ah, Officer Kogan's showing me around the Normandy," Kenn answered. "Introducing me to the crew."

"Good job, Kim," Sabrina nodded approvingly, giving me a thumbs up. I assumed that she'd already spoken to Garrus, she seemed a lot cheerier than earlier. "I'm just grabbing Zaeed. We're almost going to pick up this biotic convict in a bit and Miranda suggested I bring some muscle with us. Since Garrus is still hurt, I figured Zaeed was the best choice… No offense."

I let out a short laugh. "Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the most intimidating person in the universe Sabrina," I glanced over at Kenn for a moment, then poked the commander. "Hey, can you think of anywhere on the ship that Kenn could work, maybe?"

The commander looked up thoughtfully. "Just give me some time to think about it, and I'll let you know."

"Thanks Sabs," I grinned, stepping into the elevator with Kenn while she stepped out. "See you later."

Elevator doors sealing, I pressed the button to go up. Kenn stared at me for a moment before speaking up. "You said that you and the Commander grew up together, but Engineer Daniels said you were her sister?"

"Well, technically we're adopted siblings, but we're practically sisters," I mumbled. "I care about her more than anyone else, you know? I just, well," I rubbed the back of my head. "I don't really know how Daniels knew I was her sister. Most people look at me and I don't stand out, so I'm going to have to figure out how she recognized me at all. It's not like I'm well-known or anything like that."

Usually, Flight Officer's got forgotten. Even after the Battle for the Citadel no one really recognized me. I was like… a background character. A side story that people could skim over, throw away, or ignore.

Back in flight school Jeff was the one in the spotlight. First in class, and a cripple to top it all off. People would remember him, he'd go down in the history books as the pilot who flew the ship that took the final shot against Sovereign. Sabrina would become a legend most likely, her story was already full of tragedy and heroism. They'd remember Kaidan because Sabrina loved him, and Ashley because she died when we tried to stop Saren.

Me? I wouldn't be remembered.

History only remembered the important people. I wasn't one of them, and so I would be forgotten with the others.

The doors opened, the galaxy map in front of us. "Come on, let's go introduce you to Mordin." Kenn and I didn't speak much, and we entered the lab just as Mordin was unpacking a crate of equipment. "Hi Mordin, sorry for barging in."

"Not a problem," Mordin responded kindly, nodding at the two of us. "Quarian? Interesting. Kim, wondering… Do you have cyanide capsule in molars?"

I blinked. He seemed to go through topics quickly. "Um, no?"

"Ah, suspicions confirmed," the salarian noted, taking a datapad and jotting something down. I pursed my lips and raised an eyebrow. Was he really not going to elaborate? I coughed loudly and Mordin's head shot up. "Was updating crew dental records. All Cerberus personnel have cyanide capsules in molars," he explained. "Primitive. Ocular nerve flashbangs harder to disarm."

My hand went up to my mouth. I did not want one of those in my mouth. Or a cyanide capsule for that matter. "No thank you."

Mordin chuckled, shaking his head. "Ah, suspicion was that original Normandy crew didn't have capsules. Chakwas doesn't, Shepard and Joker do not as well. You were final crew member. Cerberus more worried about crew with more knowledge of the organization."

"My name's Kenn, Doctor Solus," Kenn spoke up awkwardly. "It's… nice to meet you."

"Feeling mutual," Mordin nodded. "But must get to work now. Come back another time. Kim, see you when you're free. Going to begin working on Collector counter measure. Very interesting."

"I'll come by later," I assured, exiting the lab with Kenn following behind me. Sabrina was walking with Zaeed, just a few meters ahead of us. She was in her armor now "Sabs!" I called out. She gestured for the mercenary to go on ahead, stopping to wait for us.

"Hello again you two," Sabrina smiled at the two of us. "Kenn, why don't you join Donnelly and Daniels on the Engineering Deck? You did salvage on Omega, right? Maybe you can learn some things from the two of them. And studying our drive core might help you with your Pilgrimage! I think you can bring back knowledge, right?"

"Of course, you're right," Kenn nodded. "Thank you, Commander. I'll head down there right away."

Sabrina turned to look at me next. "We're about to dock into Purgatory now. Don't worry, I'm going to have Miranda and Zaeed with me... not that we should get a lot of trouble. We're just picking up someone, after all." I frowned. She totally just jinxed it. "Can you stay on the bridge and help Joker out? Apparently he and EDI aren't seeing eye to eye."

At Sabrina's request my heart clenched and I averted my gaze. "…Yes Sabrina," I mumbled. Sure, of course he and EDI weren't seeing eye to eye.

I'd seen them working together, he worked better with her than he used to work with me. He was probably just telling Sabrina that they weren't getting along so I wouldn't feel like my job was getting stolen by her.

But it was.

She stared at me worriedly, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Is something going on? You look pretty worn out, Kimmy."

"No, nothing's going on," I grumbled, refusing to look her in the eye. "Just… I'll talk to you about it next time you take me topside, okay?" Sabrina gave me another worried glance before joining Miranda and Zaeed in the decontamination chamber. I turned to give Kenn a tired, slightly defeated smile. "Well, I guess you're heading down to the Engineering Deck now. See you later." I turned around.

"Wait, Kim!" I paused, glancing back at Kenn. "…Earlier you said that you weren't interesting," Kenn stammered. "But I, um… I think that you're incredible, actually. Not a lot of people would help me the way you did on Omega… You're really nice, and helpful and smart, and I've never met someone like you before. If that doesn't make you interesting, I don't know what would."

A pang went through my heart and I smiled at him. He really was a sweet boy. "Thanks Kenn," I responded sincerely. "Feel free to hang with me whenever. I had fun."

Kenn nodded, and I could sense his smile as he turned to leave for the Engineering Deck to work with the other Engineers. Feeling a little bit better now, I took a seat. The co-pilot's seat. Joker glanced over at me, adjusting his hat.

"You look like shit," he commented.

"Thanks so much for the compliment," I sassed back at him grumpily. I activated my console, the two of us working in silence for a couple of minutes.

"So, saw you hanging out with that quarian over the cameras," Jeff told me with a smirk. "He seems to really like you."

I crossed my arms. "Kenn? Yeah, so what?"

"The kid's got a crush on you, if it wasn't obvious enough," the pilot shrugged. "Try not to break the kids heart, CP."

I scoffed, rolling my eyes. Kenn didn't have a crush on me, he just appreciated what I'd done for him. He was being nice to me because I'd been nice to him, and he'd seen that I was a bit upset. Besides, we'd only known each other for a day. Jeff was just being an ass.

If anyone actually fell for me…

No, it wouldn't happen.

"Yeah, right," I responded sarcastically. "What do you need me up here for anyways?" I grumbled, shooting him a glare. The pilot was surprised by my reaction, staring at me for a moment before returning his gaze to his control panel.

"…It's nice that we have Garrus back," Jeff joked, completely ignoring my question. "Because he was totally my favorite. With that pole up his ass."

…Why was he saying that?

My glare darkened. "He almost died, Moreau."

Jeff frowned. "Yeah… I know. Sorry," he mumbled, hiding his eyes under his hat.

"He almost died," I repeated, bristling. I tightly gripped the armrests, angry tears pooling in my eyes. "He almost died, Jeff!" I stood up sharply, my whole body shaking, my face burning, the room swaying slightly. "Why would you even talk about that, he was in pain! He was suffering! We almost lost him, and you're making jokes?!"

The pilot looked up at me, his eyes widening, a small amount of shock in them. "No, Kim, I didn't-"

"Don't call me Kim!" I shouted, tears falling freely now. I felt dizzy, my head hurt. "Do you even know how much Garrus means to me? He's one of the only reasons I didn't kill myself when Sabrina was dead, and then he almost died right in front of me just like she did! And now you're making jokes, you're making jokes!"

" _Miss Kogan, it's suggested that you calm down,"_ EDI interjected. _"Your stress levels are high, your heart rate's going up. Mr. Moreau, I believe that she's on the verge of a panic attack."_ I froze, staring at it… the blue, ball thing that she was, wide eyed. I clenched my jaw shut and frantically wiped at my eyes. It was replacing me. It was replacing me. Jeff slammed his thumb down on the mute button and stood up, looking down at me. My breathing started to turn into choked gasps, Jeff placing his hands on my shoulders.

"CP, I need you to calm down," he stated, voice calm, I shoved him off, stumbling. God, my chest hurt. Sabrina died, Garrus almost died, I was being replaced by an AI. Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone? My breathing was heavy and I felt unbalanced, reaching for my seat to try and steady myself.

Then, all of a sudden, the floor was a lot closer than it had been before.

I collapsed.

Next thing I knew, I was laying in a bed in an unfamiliar room, Sabrina sleeping on a nearby couch. My head spun, and I could see… Ah, it was Sabrina's room. "Sabs?" I piped up drowsily. My body felt sluggish, my brain was hazy. Sabrina shot up at my voice, stumbling to her feet and running to stop me from getting out of the bed.

"Kimmy, you're staying right there," she ordered, worry in her eyes. "EDI said that you haven't been sleeping since we got on the Normandy, and I know that there wasn't time in between me waking up and Freedom's progress for you to rest either," Sabrina teared up. "Here I was, dragging you onto Omega, and you'd just been flying for hours too… God, I'm so sorry."

Why was she sorry? I stared at her blankly. "But I'm fine, Sabs."

"No, you're not!" Sabrina cried, hands tightening on my arms. "Stop… stop telling me that you're fine. You're not fine, Kim! You've been walking around half-dead, and… why won't you just tell me what's going on?"

"Because nothing's wrong," I argued, pulling my arms free and moving to stand up. "You're back! Now that you're alive, everything's fine! Don't worry about me Sabrina! These past two years? They don't matter anymore!" I shouted, fists clenched. "The only thing that matters is that you're back."

"Kim, I'm worried about you," Sabrina stated seriously. "You're barely eating, you're not sleeping… I need you to tell me what happened when I was gone."

"Nothing," I insisted. Sabrina glared, jaw clenching.

"Kim," She warned, frustrated. "Tell me."

My heart felt like it was shattering in my chest. My stomach twisted uncomfortably. She couldn't know. She couldn't know, not yet.

It was my fault that she died. Because I wasn't strong enough to just get Jeff to leave the Normandy. Because I couldn't save her. And then I broke down… I fell apart and pushed everyone away. I'd wanted to die, alone, just like she had.

And being the selfish person that I was, I still wanted Jeff to be my friend again even though I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve him, or Garrus, or Tali or Wrex. I didn't deserve Sabrina, and Ashley…

She'd be so disappointed in me.

I was a monster.

"…Not yet," I whispered, broken, staring at Sabrina with wide eyes. Her frustration was replaced with shock and pity, pulling me against her chest and stroking my back.

"…I'm sorry," Sabrina told me softly. "I'm so, so sorry Kim. We can talk about it when you're ready, I won't… I won't try and force you to talk about it. We're heading to the Citadel now, okay? You just get more rest and when we dock… we'll all go, and it'll be just like old times, okay?"

Thing's would never be the way they used to be. No matter how much I wanted them to, no matter how much I'd try…

I didn't deserve to be a part of her story. Everything that made me happy, flying, helping, just being with them… I didn't deserve any of it.

I should be forgotten.

My fingers gripped the material of Sabrina's shirt. If I let go, I was afraid that I'd just… disappear. Tomorrow, I'd put the mask on again, but I had to do it better. I couldn't let Sabrina see me like this again. I'd kept making stupid mistakes around her, but I had to pretend that I was fine.

No, I was fine. I was fine, I was fine, I was fine. Perfectly fine.

"…Okay."


	9. Return to the Citadel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I finished writing chapter 10 (it is shorter than most of these chapters so when you see it I apologize) but now I'm kind of stuck on chapter 11, so I might not post anything next week so that I can work through it and get a few extra chapters ready before I start school on September 8th. Also, I just purchased the parts to build a new computer... so I'll be a bit busy. ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT I'M GONE FOR A FEW WEEKS I WILL UPDATE THIS CHAPTER NOTE AND UPDATE YOU ALL ON WHAT IS GOING ON. I REFUSE TO LET THIS STORY DIE.  
> If you don't hear from me, harass me on FF.net.

After my… breakdown, Chakwas had checked up on me. It was decided that my fainting was caused by stress and severe sleep deprivation. When the doctor had questioned me, I'd been evasive, but admitted to her that I'd been feeling a bit… lost.

Chakwas had been understanding though, knowing how important Garrus was to me. He was like… well, he wasn't just a friend. He was like a brother to me, I supposed. He'd protected me, and almost losing him… It would have torn me up. Not as much as Sabrina's had, but I… There was a high probability that if he'd died, I would have relapsed. My depression was getting better, my PTSD…

It was weird. Sabrina's death caused my PTSD, but now she was back and… It was still confusing. But Chakwas was hopeful that once I'd gotten used to everything, and gotten used to Sabrina being back that I'd recover.

No one had ever recovered from PTSD before. Treatments only helped so much, but unlike many I'd actually gotten rid of triggers. That was all because Sabrina was back.

" _You need to stop pushing people away, and start pulling them in again Kim,"_ Chakwas had told me back on the Normandy. It wasn't hard to guess who she was talking about.

Jeff.

Sure, I was getting along great with Garrus… but I'd been with him for some time while Sabrina was dead. The doctor was happy that I was making new friends on the Normandy… Kenn, for example. And she'd heard that I'd gone down to meet Kenneth and Gabby. She knew I'd never try and reach out for Kaidan. And as for Tali, she was on a mission. Obviously I was (mostly) getting along with Sabrina. Jeff… we used to be best friends. If she wasn't talking about him, I didn't know who she was talking about.

I glanced beside me in the Rapid Transit Skycar. Sabrina had brought Jeff and Garrus along for this outing. Apparently we were going to be meeting with a master thief, and then Sabrina wanted to visit Anderson. I didn't know what else she'd wanted to do, I was just going along with it. But the commander had been very decisive about the seating arrangement. The three humans would sit in the back (with me in the middle because I was the smallest) and Garrus would take the front seat.

It was a bit awkward. For me and Jeff at least.

…I was pretty sure that Sabrina had been planning to push us together since I'd mentioned that the two of us hadn't spoken since she died. Or maybe it was her teasing about the pilot quarter's single bed that tipped me off.

We'd stepped onto the Citadel's level twenty-seven dock, and I glanced around. The place had really changed since I'd left. "Hey Garrus, sorry about ditching your apartment," I realized, giving him a sheepish grin.

"It's fine," Garrus shrugged. "I'll just need to go through and dust everything off and it'll be good as new. No big deal."

"I didn't throw any parties when you were gone by the way," I added with a shrug. "So nothing's broken. And I was sure to clean up all of the dishes before me and Karin went to the Lazarus Station."

Jeff gave Garrus a grin. "Was she a good roommate, Vakarian?"

"The best," Garrus confirmed. "Barely left her room. She was very quiet. Almost didn't realize that she was there."

"Huh, didn't expect that," Jeff joked. "CP struck me as the kind of roommate who would hole herself in the kitchen half the time and only go into her room to sleep."

Sabrina tackled me with a hug. "Kimmy! You never told me you lived with Garrus! Were you dating, or something?" she whispered loudly. Garrus and I gave each other appalled looks at the suggestion.

I let out an awkward laugh. "Nope. Sorry Sabs, no cross species relationships here," I told her with a shrug. "He's too tall for me. Also, more brotherly. You know, the kind of guy who'd beat up anyone who broke my heart."

"Correction, I'd headshot them," the turian jested. "Never let anyone hurt my human little sister."

"And imagine what Uncle Wrex would do!" I exclaimed, clapping my hands against the sides of my face. "Truly, it would be better if I didn't date anyone, ever. I'd hate for anyone's life to be on the line should it not work out."

"I want nieces and nephews!" Sabrina whined, releasing me. The four of us laughed together, and I felt a small weight come off of my heart. This… it was nice.

"So Shepard, what's the plan for today?" Jeff inquired. Sabrina looked up thoughtfully.

"Well, we're looking for a thief. She's supposed to be here…"

I leaned against a nearby advertisement, arms crossed. "What about after that, Sabs? Anderson sent you a message, right?"

"Right!" Sabrina nodded. "So I guess we'll visit him, then… why don't we get lunch? And Chef Gardner asked if I could get some better rations for the ship…"

My eyes sparkled slightly at Gardner's request. Better rations… Maybe real food. Sabrina wouldn't spare any expense for the rest of the crew, I knew how she was.

"…Could we get some ingredients for me to use…?" I asked the commander softly. It had been awhile since I'd last cooked. "Maybe I could make a few things in the kitchen, you know? If Chef Gardner doesn't mind…"

Sabrina's eyes lit up at my request and she nodded excitedly. "Of course!"

I glanced over at Garrus. On the last Normandy… Me, him, and Ashley had cooked together. It brought the three of us closer, and Chakwas did want me to stop pushing people away… I glanced at Jeff. Maybe I could ask him if he wanted to cook with me too…

But what if he didn't want to be pulled back? I… I hadn't really gotten better at interacting with him. He was better than me when it came to pretending nothing had happened though, being able to joke and tease… And I reacted better to that treatment, I liked to think.

At least until he joked about Garrus.

God, I should have handled that better. I just kept screwing up when it came to Jeff. When we first started working together again… It was almost normal. Flying with him, it just felt natural to me. And we both didn't like the AI (although now I was kind of uncertain about whether or not he actually didn't like it), so we were able to talk about that at first…

I bit my lip. Then he flew with it, instead of me. I… I knew why, we couldn't just stay docked in Omega if Sabrina wanted to go somewhere else, and I'd been busy.

So why did it bug me so much?

Jeff glanced over at me. "What's up CP?"

I averted my gaze, frowning. "Nothing," I answered coldly.

The advertisement I was leaning against suddenly changed colours, a hooded face appearing on it. "Commander Shepard," a female voice spoke. I let out a yelp of surprise, tripping over my feet and hitting the ground. "Oops, sorry," the woman on the advertisement apologised, giggling a bit. Garrus, Jeff, and Sabrina were all dying of laughter at my reaction. From the floor I stared at the image, flabbergasted. "I'll just come down and speak to all of you then."

"Looks like we found who we were looking for," Sabrina said between fits of giggles, Garrus chuckling and helping me up.

"Damn, I wish I'd taken a vid of that," Garrus chirped. I glared at him, punching his armor.

"Shut up!" I growled. "It was surprising, okay? I didn't expect it!" I explained, face burning red with embarrassment. Sabrina nuzzled me.

"Aw, you're so cute!" the commander gushed. "I'm so happy I got to see that!"

"Stop it!" I whined, shoving her off, moving to sit on a nearby crate. I hid my face in my hands and shut my eyes tightly. "I'm so embarrassed," I announced, voice muffled by my hands. Sabrina was laughing again, I could hear Jeff chuckling.

"Garrus, oh my god," Sabrina giggled. "That was too funny."

"Calm down Shepard," the turian chuckled in response.

Why wouldn't they stop laughing? I was mortified. Then, I sensed a presence to my right, a hat being pulled over my head. Hesitantly I lowered my hands, peeking beside me. Green eyes looked into mine fondly, warning bells going off in my head. My whole body stiffened up and I stared at him with wide eyes. My heart hammered in my chest, an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Too close, he was too close.

"You'll be fine, CP," Jeff assured, voice soft and kind, pushing the rim of the hat down to hide my face. I sat, frozen in place, barely able to see him limp past me. Letting out a breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding, I raised the rim of the hat so that my vision was no longer blocked. Sabrina and Garrus had moved to a doorway, close to a keeper that was tapping on a control pad by a wall. The woman who'd scared the shit out of me was standing with them, eyes hidden by her hood. Jeff was hanging back, leaning against the wall to my left with his arms crossed over his chest, his gaze directed at the chatting trio.

…He was trying to get along with me still.

Awkwardly I stood up, pulling the hat off my head and returning it to the pilot, leaning against the wall with him. He glanced over at me. "You recovered fast," he commented with a smirk. "Feeling better now?"

I crossed my arms and glared at the floor. "…Sorry for freaking out on you about the Garrus thing, before."

Jeff looked up, shrugging his shoulders. "Nah, don't worry about it."

We stood in silence, a tense awkwardness filling the space around us. Then, Sabrina's new companion looked over at me. I felt my stomach sink as she disappeared from my vision, jumping slightly when she reappeared in front of me with a cheeky grin.

"Hello," she greeted cheerfully. "My name's Kasumi Goto, it's nice to meet you Officer Kogan."

I stared at her, crossing my arms. She was a few inches taller than me. Was I ever going to meet someone shorter than me that wasn't a child or a volus? "…Just call me Kim. I respond to it better," I told her coldly. Kasumi let out a giggle, smiling at me.

"Well, I certainly hope you aren't angry at me for scaring you before," the thief mused, inspecting me. My eyes narrowed at her and I pushed myself off the wall. Jeff watched the two of us with an eyebrow raised. "You have a very interesting look about you, Kim," Kasumi noted, nodding approvingly. "This cold, dark outer shell that you've put up? Very nice. If I hadn't seen your reaction when I spooked you-"

"Don't talk about it," I grumbled. Kasumi's smile softened and she placed a hand on my shoulder.

"No hard feelings, okay? I'll even delete the vid I managed to take," Kasumi declared, opening up her omni-tool and deleting it right in front of me. I glowered, cheeks reddening. "There, are we good now?"

"…I guess," I muttered. Sabrina and Garrus approached us, Sabrina looking ready to stop a fight.

"Everything good here?" the commander inquired. Kasumi nodded at her.

"We're fine Shep," the thief assured. "I'd love to learn more about Kim though, but I don't think she's all that eager to talk to me right now… Oh, I know how to make it up to her," Kasumi declared. "Shep, I'm taking you and Kim shopping."

Looking at Sabrina, I raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Really? Shopping?

Sabrina was all for it though, eyes sparkling with excitement. "Let's do it," Sabrina agreed. She then gave Kasumi a suspicious look. "…Legally shopping, right? You're not going to steal things?"

"Shep, please, have faith," Kasumi smirked. "I'm not going to steal from the shopkeepers here. I'm a master thief, not a petty thief."

"Okay," Sabrina shrugged sheepishly. "Well, I've still got to go see Anderson," a glint of mischief appeared in her eyes. "But well, I don't want Anderson to feel like I'm bringing an army with me… Kim, Joker, why don't the two of you explore Zakera Ward and find a restaurant for us to go to for lunch? We'll meet you there when we're done." I crossed my arms.

Really Sabrina?

"So, you're bringing someone Anderson doesn't even know and an ex C-sec officer with you?" I questioned the commander.

She shrugged at me innocently. "It's seems better than bringing the two ex-Alliance-now-Cerberus pilots with me, don't you think?"

…How does anyone argue against that?

"…Tell Anderson I say hello," I mumbled, turning on my heel and walking towards the security checkpoint. Jeff followed after me, and I slowed down slightly, being mindful of his limp. Once we'd gotten through the checkpoint I turned to look at the pilot. "Anything you'd like to eat, Joker?"

"Anything's better than rations," Jeff answered with a shrug. "Sure, Cerberus rations are a little bit better than Alliance rations… But I don't know, Gardner's the cook and the janitor. Makes me a bit nervous sometimes. What if he forgets to wash his hands?" I bit back a smile, Jeff smirking and shaking his head.

"Well, since Sabrina, Garrus, and Kasumi are going to join us," I looked up thoughtfully. "Let's see… there's this place Garrus took me a couple of times a few floors down. Want to head there?" I suggested, not really knowing where else we could go. The place I was thinking about, it was small, but a pretty decent sit down restaurant. Kind of had an old style pub feel to it. Garrus picked it out because of how fond I'd been of older places and things, he'd been… really considerate of me back then.

"You sure that you and Vakarian weren't dating?" Jeff asked me teasingly. "I mean, come on. Living together, taking you out to eat… Maybe Shepard's right."

"Come on Joker," I scoffed, making my way towards the elevator that would bring us down to the level where the restaurant was. "The only way I could think of Garrus as boyfriend material is if I was indoctrinated. He's dear to my heart, don't get me wrong. He ranks about…" I looked up thoughtfully. "Third on my list of favorite people in the universe. But I'm more of a Marvel fangirl, and he's Turian Batman, not Turian Ironman."

"Wait, you have a list?" the pilot questioned, amused. I nodded, looking around. Some new shops had sprung up since the last time I'd been here. "What's Tali's ranking? I mean, she's kind of like Ironman, they both wear a mask."

"I'm not telling you any of the other rankings," I stated bluntly, hitting the elevator's call button. It didn't take too long for it to arrive, and the two of us stepped inside.

"What floor's it on?" the older man asked me.

"Twenty-one," I answered, leaning against the side of the elevator car. Jeff pressed the button, the doors sealing shut. Then we started going down.

…Were elevators always so slow? I thought it was only that way for Sabrina.

I glanced at Jeff, the pilot calmly inspecting the space around us. I fiddled with my hands anxiously, couldn't this elevator speed up a bit? I just… I felt awkward around him. And this was a confined space, too… not like the Normandy where I could just walk to another part of the ship. Then again, maybe being alone with him was a good thing… I could talk to him without fear of being overheard by the AI. We could… we could talk. I could find out if I was actually needed on the bride, and if I wasn't then…

My chest ached.

If I wasn't, then I'd be able to work with Mordin more, and I didn't mind that… I just wanted to fly still, that's all. The pilot glanced back at me, curiosity in his green eyes. Instantly my cheeks heated up and I averted my gaze.

Joker let out a low chuckle, a mischievous smirk appearing on his lips. "You just can't stop looking at me, can you CP?"

"Shut up," I huffed, crossing my arms. I bit my lip nervously, turning to face him completely. I couldn't keep pushing away, I needed to try.

I needed to talk to him.

As I opened my mouth to speak, the elevator doors slid open and I clamped my mouth shut, turning on my heel and stepping onto the twenty-first level.

"Wait CP, what was that?" Jeff demanded, limping after me. I would have walked faster, but I didn't want to just ditch him on the Citadel so I slowed down.

"Nothing," I shrugged, completely avoiding the conversation that I just didn't want to have. Old Kim would have blurted out everything. But I just… I couldn't. "Look, that's the place," I pointed to the small establishment, the sign outside of it reading 'The Smith and Comet'.

"Classic pub name," Jeff noted, limping with me towards the entrance. The hostess was a female turian, and I could see a few human girls walking around inside serving customers. "Hey, can we get a booth? We've got a group of five."

"Of course," the hostess nodded, turning to look at one of the other waitresses. "Hey Lynn, get booth three ready."

"Sure thing Paevea!" the human girl called back with a grin. Her blonde ponytail bounced behind her as she practically skipped towards the booth. She set down a few napkins and such before giving the hostess a thumbs up and rushing to help another customer. Paevea, the turian hostess looked at Jeff and I, mandibles fluttering.

"I'll escort you to your table," Paevea picked up a few menus from the hostess stand and gestured inside. We followed after her, and I gave her a polite smile before sitting down, Jeff sat across from me. "Today we have a discount on turian brandy and margaritas are half off."

Half off margaritas sounded pretty good.

…But Garrus wouldn't approve.

"Just water for me, thanks," I smiled. The turian glanced over at Jeff.

"You guys have sprite?" Jeff inquired. Paevea nodded. "I'll have a can of that please."

"I'll get those drinks ready for you then," Paevea announced. "Oh, and Lynn will be your waitress today. Flag her down if you need anything else."

The hostess left us, an awkward silence filling the booth. A few moments later she came back, placing our drinks in front of us. Music hummed in the background, old human music… I could tell, I just couldn't quite place the name of the song. Guitar… It was slow...

"So, Shepard said you were a badass on Omega, but I can't see it," Jeff spoke up, an awkward smile on his face. "Was she pulling my leg or did you actually open fire on some batarians?"

My head shot up at his question and I let out an awkward laugh. "Sorry, she wasn't pulling your leg," I admitted, rubbing the back of my head as my cheeks started to heat up. "…What else did Sabrina tell you?" I inquired cautiously.

"Nothing else really," he smiled at me weakly. I frowned. "Look, you don't need to worry about it CP."

"Well, you're worrying about it," I argued, glaring at him from across the table. The pilot shook his head, hiding his eyes with his hat.

"…I don't want to set you off," he mumbled.

I felt a stab go through my chest, and I averted my gaze. "…Sorry," I uttered, opening up my omni-tool. I'd just call Sabrina, see what was going on… try and avoid the awkwardness and guilt that came from being alone with Jeff. "Hey Sabs, me and Joker are at the, uh… Smith and Comet."

" _Sounds fancy!"_ Sabrina cheered.

"It's really not," I remarked with a grin. "Ask Garrus about it… You guys done with Anderson now?"

" _We're just about to walk into his office,"_ Sabrina replied. _"Don't worry, we'll head straight to you guys once we're done. Oh, and I already got the stuff that Chef Gardner wanted shipped to the Normandy… including a good mix of ingredients for you to use to make me something delicious. See you soon!"_

She hung up on me and I sulked slightly. Yeah, looks like Jeff and I would be alone together for a little while longer.

I placed my elbows on the table, leaning my face against my right hand and inspecting the pub. It hadn't changed that much since I'd been there last. I figured that Sol was a new worker, not that I'd gone to the place often enough with Garrus to know all the employees. Paevea seemed a little familiar to me though… so I knew I'd probably seen her at least once before. A few songs played through, and then one started playing that I actually recognized. A gentle smile formed on my lips as I listened to the words, and I felt my eyes soften as the words poured out of the sound system.

" _Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes. But it's the only thing that I know. When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes, it is the only thing that makes us feel alive."_

The thing I loved most about old music…

" _We keep this love in a photograph, we made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken, and time's forever frozen still."_

…Was how they singers just seemed to be able to say everything perfectly.

"So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans," I sang softly, along to the music. "Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet… you won't ever be alone…"

"I never understood how you just knew songs," Jeff cut in. My eyes widened and I snapped out of my trance, face burning bright red. I couldn't believe that I'd just sung out loud. At my expression, the pilot grinned, rubbing the back of his head. "It's amazing, don't get me wrong. I just want to know how you do it."

I gaped at the pilot for a moment, moving my hands to my lap and staring down at them. "…I like music, especially old songs," I murmured.

The pilot gave me a cheeky grin. "Well, what was that song you were just singing along to? You seemed pretty out of it when it started playing."

"Photograph. It's Ed Sheeran," I grumbled, crossing my arms and slumping in my seat. "He's my favorite, okay?"

"Why?" Jeff pressed, green eyes sparkling with curiosity. "Was he your dream guy? Blonde hair, green eyes?" he teased.

"No!" I denied, giving the pilot a disapproving look. "I just… A lot of his songs for me it's like…" I sighed, staring down at my hands. "His songs… they always got his feelings across. It's like he always knew exactly what to say, you know? I wish I could be like that."

The older man opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by Sabrina shouting a greeting to us from the entrance of the pub. She, Garrus, and Kasumi approached our table, the commander scrutinizing the two of us.

"Joker, you're going to have to sit next to Kim," Sabrina decided with a nod. I raised an eyebrow at her, to which she shrugged. "Well, I want to sit with Garrus but his armor is huge, so Kasumi would have to sit next to you."

My expression darkened and Joker moved to stand up. "Yup, that's not a good idea. I'm moving Shep," Jeff chuckled, taking the spot next to me. "CP, you done imagining the end of the world?"

"Nope. It's still burning in my mind," I quipped. "Sabrina's standing on top of the dead body of a Reaper. Quite epic, I'll admit."

"Very epic," Sabrina agreed, sitting across from me. "Anderson says hello, but other than that we didn't really talk that much."

"Shepard's a Spectre again though," Garrus added. "Because apparently, your status is dropped when you die."

I pursed my lips.

"Anderson's my favorite part of the Council, you know," I stated simply. "Just saying… Thanks for not giving Udina the role."

"You're very welcome," Sabrina grinned. "Okay! Let's order, I'm starving."

All of us opened our menus, and I could tell Garrus was trying to see if my glass of water was water or not. It was nice that he was being cautious, I used to be very bad about it. "It's water," I told the turian bluntly. "Now focus on the menu Vakarian, I want to order soon."

I'd already decided on just getting a cheeseburger. One could never go wrong with a cheeseburger.

"Sorry," Garrus coughed. "You never know. Just wanted to be careful."

Sabrina glanced at the turian curiously. "What's so bad about Kimmy drinking something other than water?"

"Nothing," the two of us answered in unison.

"I'm just more embarrassing when I'm drunk," I lied easily. "And no, I'm not letting Garrus tell you anything. If he tells you a single embarrassing story, then I'm going to tell everyone on the Normandy about that time when we-"

"Nope, I won't pester anyone for details on the embarrassing things you've done," Sabrina promised, cutting me off. Kasumi giggled from the other side of Joker.

"They seem like they'd be such interesting stories though," Kasumi commented. "Kim, don't tell me you have no stories about yourself that you'd be willing to share."

"Karaoke is off the table," I stated bluntly. "As is anything from before I joined the Alliance."

"There was this one time when we were fighting against Saren and the Geth…" Sabrina started thoughtfully. "Kimmy crawled through these vents, and she hacked the security cameras to set on a loop so we could take the Normandy and chase after Saren without the Council knowing."

"And when she crawled out of the vents, she was covered in dust from head to toe," Garrus added, mandibles fluttering with amusement.

"Ah… so Kim's a bit of an infiltrator, then?" the master thief questioned. Sabrina and Garrus looked at each other for a moment.

"Yup," they decided.

I scowled, shaking my head. "No, I'm not an infiltrator. I'm a Flight Officer."

"But you're a Flight Officer with Infiltrator training," Sabrina argued logically.

"Well when you say it like that, throw in the fact that I have medical training too," I sassed back. "But no, I'm not an Infiltrator. Sure, I can sneak and I can use a sniper rifle but if you look at the skillset most infiltrators have, it's clear that I'm not one. I've never actually finished my training for anything other than being a pilot."

"What is your skillset?" Kasumi inquired. "Just out of curiosity."

"I can unlock doors, hack into simple to moderate systems," I started mechanically. "On the field I can't AI hack, the best I can do is overload their systems with junk files. But in comparison to Sabrina, I'm a tech genius."

"Which I'll admit is pretty sad considering the fact that I'm a Sentinal," Sabrina sighed. "But can you really blame me? Before all I needed to do was slap some Omni-gel on it and then it was fine…"

"Yeah, that security upgrade ruined a lot of people in my business," Kasumi admitted. "Is everyone ready to order?"

Since we were all ready, I flagged down our waitress. Once we'd all given her our orders, we continued the previous conversation

"Military ranked Infiltrators are all trained in specific things," I continued. "Tactical cloaks are given to all of them, they all learn how to use high-explosive plasma rounds, and they're trained to use various ammo types. The only ammo I know how to use is regular ammo. When I took infiltrator training the only parts I did well in was hacking and sneaking. Got average scores on the shooting range too. Luckily Garrus got me up to an above average."

Kasumi shrugged, leaning forward on the table so she could look at me better. "In my business you'd be labelled as an infiltrator. "

"But I'm not a thief," I took a sip of my water.

Our food arrived quickly, and the conversation died while we ate. I really didn't know why Kasumi was so interested in me, but for some reason she was and I wasn't sure how I should feel about that.

"So Shep, how's your food?" Kasumi piped up, Sabrina happily gobbling down the last of her food.

"Delicious!" Sabrina declared, chugging a glass of water that our waitress had brought over for her. "Ah, this place is great. Kimmy, good choice."

"Thank Garrus," I shrugged, taking a small bite of my burger. I'd eaten a good half of it now, and was already full. "Want the rest of my food Sabs? I'm full."

The commander drooled a bit at my offer, reaching forward. Man, was she ever hungry. I pushed my plate towards her with a smile, glancing over to Jeff. He'd already finished his meal, as had Garrus and Kasumi.

"So, what's the plan after this?" Jeff inquired. Sabrina nodded towards Kasumi, too enthralled by my food to bother speaking to us. Garrus let out a light chuckle at Sabrina, shaking his head before focusing on Kasumi.

"There's a few stores one level up that I want to take Kim and Shep to," Kasumi answered. "I'm thinking that Kim would look very attractive in a dress."

Sabrina finished her last bite, stopping me from refusing. "I've been dreaming of this day for years. She needs something with a semi-sweetheart neckline to accent her boobs. Straps because she'd refuse to wear a strapless dress."

I stared at Sabrina, a little bit dumbfounded. Garrus let out an awkward cough, Jeff adjusting his cap and staring at Kasumi with confusion.

"Just how long have you been thinking about this?" the turian questioned the commander incredulously.

Kasumi let out a giggle, she and Sabrina completely ignoring the boys. "Sounds good so far; what about the silhouette? I was thinking an A-Line."

Sabrina nodded her approval. "A-Line would look nice, but we'd need to make it a high-low hem so that Kim doesn't trip."

"Layered skirt to make it more elegant… it is going to be a formal event after all," Kasumi added. I stared at the thief, a blank expression on my face. "Color?"

"Emerald green," Sabrina decided. "Or do you think white would be better? It would have a nice contrast with her skin tone."

Kasumi stepped out of the booth. "Joker, please let Kim out."

Awkwardly, the two of us shuffled out. I was completely confused by what was going on. The thief walked around me, shaking her head. "Dark green would be better, maybe emerald. Kim kind of gives off this innocent, lost puppy aura sometimes. If she wore white, then it would make that more noticeable."

"What are you guys even talking about?" I blurted unhappily, crossing my arms and scowling.

Sabrina beamed at me. "It's for a mission Kimmy," she explained, she and Garrus shuffling out of the booth. "I'm going to go pay."

I stared at Kasumi, crossing my arms and narrowing my eyes. "…A mission where I need to wear a dress?" Yeah, right.

"Believe me, it's legit," Kasumi assured. "You're going to be helping me pull off a heist. Originally I was going to get Shepard to play the part… but she's pretty recognizable, you have to admit. Better if she just takes the role of bodyguard."

"Makes sense," Garrus shrugged. "Although I don't quite understand why you're taking them dress shopping.

Sabrina came back, poking Garrus's non-damaged side of his face. "Don't ruin this for me Vakarian. I get to help Kasumi pretty up my baby girl."

Next thing I knew, all of us were sitting in a dress shop. Well, the boys were sitting. Sabrina and Kasumi were forcing me to try on dresses that they'd chosen and model them for their amusement. They'd quickly found something for Sabrina… It was a nice, flowy dress that stopped a few inches above her knees. At the top of it, it was a pale blue that had an ombre effect, turning black at the bottom. I didn't really know how else to explain it, but it looked nice on her.

But they'd made me try on at least ten dresses, and it felt like they'd never find one that they approved of. It was either too long at the front and hid my 'gorgeous legs' (Kasumi's words) or too long at the back, or the neckline made my boobs look non-existent, or the waist was too shiny and brought the attention away from my eyes. Geez, and I thought tripping over my own feet and crashing to the floor was embarrassing.

This was worse. Far worse.

"It's difficult to find dresses for you because you're so short," Sabrina teased. I scowled from inside the changing room, taking yet another dress from her. All of them looked the same to me, all with high-low skirts and flowyness and emerald greens. "I have a good feeling about this one. It's simpler than the other ones."

"If this one doesn't work we can just get me a giant paper bag to wear for the mission," I stated, feeling sour. I hated this.

"No," Sabrina denied. "I love this too much. Kasumi! Go find Kim a nice pair of heels to go with this one."

"I'm thinking black ones," Kasumi called back, heading towards another part of the shop. I let out a long sigh, pulling the dress over my head. I stared at myself in the mirror. This dress seemed to fit all the requirements Sabrina had decided on. At the front the skirt was cut pretty short, the back of it stopping just above my ankles. The waist was simple, it just looked like a wrapped piece of material and the skirt was quite flowy, with only three light layers instead of twenty so I didn't look like a high school girl going to prom. And it had straps.

"Zipper," I grumbled, Sabrina entering the changing room and zipping it up. I crossed my arms and turned to look at the commander. "Well, how's this one?"

Sabrina's eyes sparkled happily, a smile plastered on her face. "It's perfect!" Kasumi walked in next, a pair of simple strapped black heels in her hands. The thief whistled at me.

"You look great. Just one thing…" she approached me, taking my braid in her hand and pulling out the tie. "There. Beautiful. No one will be able to keep their eyes off you."

"Try on the heels!" Sabrina gushed, handing them to me. I scoffed and rolled my eyes but complied. Then, they dragged me out to get a second opinion. "Guys! Isn't she gorgeous?"

Garrus simply nodded, but he looked kind of uncertain. "It looks… better than the other ones."

"What do you think, Joker?" Kasumi pressed. I scowled and placed my hands on my hips.

"My opinion's the same as Vakarian's," Jeff shrugged. Sabrina pouted, hugging me from behind.

"Well, I think Kim looks absolutely amazing," the commander announced, nuzzling me. "For the mission we'll add some make-up, and Kim's going to look stunning. Then I might actually get some nieces and nephews!"

I rolled my eyes. "Sabrina, I'm going to be helping with a heist. Not getting laid."

"Well, you could do both," Kasumi shrugged. "Like I said before, you have a good look about you. Even if everyone you'll be dealing with is going to be smugglers, mercenaries, and just overall bad guys… I'm not going to judge."

"I'm going to get changed," I announced, stopping the conversation. "Sabs, zipper." Sabrina pulled the zipper down, and I walked back into the changing room.

"So Joker, how long have you known Kim?" Kasumi asked. I began unstrapping the heels.

"We went to flight school together," the pilot answered nonchalantly.

"Well, how much sexier has Kim gotten since then?" the thief prodded. My cheeks burned brightly and I pulled the dress off and onto its hanger. "I mean come on, I doubt her legs were that nice when she was… what, fifteen? That's when she started, right Shep?"

"Yup!" Sabrina confirmed.

"No offense Kasumi, but your interest in CP is kind of creepy," Jeff told the thief bluntly. I smirked from inside the changing room, pulling on my trousers and picking up the photo's I'd hidden beneath them before the dresses had been forced on me.

"You're just avoiding the question," Kasumi huffed. "I'll bet that it's because you find her extremely attractive. Especially in that dress."

"Nah, CP's just… CP. She looks the same whatever she's wearing," the pilot answered. I rolled my eyes, pulling on my shirt and tucking the photos into it.

Kasumi sighed. "That's not very nice."

"You realize that I can hear all of you, right?" I grumbled, stepping out of the changing room with a sour expression on my face. "Can we just go now? I'm sick of the Citadel."

"I'll go pay for the dresses and your shoes," Kasumi smiled, picking up the items and heading towards the sales clerk. A few moments later, Kasumi returned to us and handed me and Sabrina bag's that held our dresses and new shoes. The five of us then returned to the Normandy, the thief turning invisible as soon as we stepped inside.

"Oh, guys," Sabrina realized, turning towards Jeff and I. "Can you two take us to the Amada System? Hackett asked me to check something out."

"Sure thing Commander," Jeff responded with a salute, she laughed lightly, nodding towards Garrus and heading towards the Galaxy map. The turian followed after her.

"I'll just… put this stuff away," I decided after a moment, taking a step towards the pilot's quarters. A hand grasped my arm and I winced, spinning around to face the pilot. He released me quickly, an awkward expression on his face. I tilted my head to the side questioningly, Jeff fixing his hat and averting his gaze.

"I just… I was thinking about what you said earlier in the restaurant," he told me seriously. "And… I think that we really need to talk."

I felt my heart speed up a bit, and I nodded. "Yeah, we do. Can I put this stuff away first, though?" I requested calmly, even though inside I was panicking.

"Yeah, sure," Jeff approved, leaning against the wall. "I'll just wait here."

I hurried into the other room, placing the bags down next to my locker before hugging myself. What was he going to talk to me about, what was I going to say? I let out a heavy breath, placing my hand over my heart. I could feel the photo paper against my skin.

We couldn't avoid it any more, I guessed. Not if we were supposed to work together. If I was even going to keep working with him, that is.

Hesitantly, I peeked out of the room. Jeff was still leaning against the wall, patient. Shyly, I walked over to, standing about a meter away from him. Neither of us spoke for a few moments, and I guessed that while I was in the other room, he'd hit the mute button on EDI or something.

"…I don't always know what to say either," he finally spoke up, his green eyes gentle. I looked away, and he opened up his omni-tool. A moment later, guitar played over the cockpit's sound system. I glanced at him with a bit of confusion and he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Just ignore the romantic stuff. It was the closest one I could find to what I wanted to say."

" _When I look into your eyes it's like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise… Well, there's so much they hold. And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far to be right where you are. How old is your soul?"_

A gentle smile appeared on my lips at the last part, and I giggled a bit. Jeff grinned back at me and shrugged. "I figured it was fitting." I rolled my eyes, leaning on the wall across from him now. Everyone always brought up my soul and its age.

" _Well, I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up."_

My eyes widened slightly, the words of the song clicking in my brain. _"'Cause even the stars they burn! Some even fall to the earth. We've got a lot to learn, God knows we're worth it."_

We were worth it.

" _No, I won't give up."_

He wasn't giving up on us, and there I was… just ready to let him go. Tears pooled in my eyes, a small laugh bursting from my throat. Unlike me, he was really trying. Without a word, I turned off the sound system from my omni-tool, shaking my head at the irony.

"So, what do you think?" he asked me awkwardly. I stepped forward, reaching out and taking his hand.

"... If you're not giving up, then I'm not going to either," I stated decisively, smiling up at him. The sound of a click caused me to pull my hand away, head snapping in the direction of the noise. Kasumi uncloaked, grinning at the two of us.

"Shep was right, you two are pretty cute together," the thief commented. Jeff crossed his arms and gave the woman a disapproving glare.

"Pretty creepy, Kasumi," he grumbled. Kasumi giggled, disappearing from our sight. "Sorry about that," the pilot sighed, shaking his head.

"It's fine," I responded stiffly, turning on my heel and taking my usual seat and activating the control panel. "Sabrina wanted us to head to the Amada System, right? I'll start plotting a course."

"Yeah," Jeff agreed, taking his seat and preparing for takeoff. We worked in silence, EDI soon unmuting herself.

" _Miss Kogan, Commander Shepard wanted me to let you know to get your gear ready before we land,"_ the AI informed.

"Thanks EDI," I replied softly, no longer feeling all that threatened by the artificial intelligence. "How's our fuel supply? Will we need to refuel?"

" _No Miss Kogan, we have more than enough fuel to get to the Omega Nebula and back,"_ EDI answered almost instantly.

I nodded, keeping my eyes on my screen. "Good, thanks."

"It's a lot nicer to you than it is to me," Jeff grumbled. "Quieter too."

"I've always been the more likable one of the two of us," I shrugged with a small smile. "Makes sense that the AI likes me more too. I'm just so charming, even if I'm talking about dismantling it," I boasted.

"You know, I missed your cockiness," Jeff snickered.

I smirked. "Yeah. I've always been just as cocky as you. Kept you in line."

"It's why we're-" the pilot caught himself, coughing and looking out the window. "…It's why we were best friends."

I sighed, closing my eyes and leaning back into my seat. "Yeah, we were best friends."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...And we all know what's in the Amada system.


	10. Normandy Crash Site

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Got through my writing funk, and now I'm writing chapter 12. Again though, school is starting soon so I'll be busier. New comp is built, blablablablabla....
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Sorry again that it's shorter than the last few chapters.

We were in the ruins of the Normandy. The original Normandy.

Why were we here again? Why were we here again!? I gripped Sabrina's hand tightly, afraid to let go. My eyes darted around frantically. Broken pieces, remnants of the old Normandy were scattered over the area. It was so cold.

So cold.

"So, let's all start looking for dog tags," Sabrina decided. My grip on her hand tightened and I shivered. The commander stared down at me, confused. "What's up Kim?"

I couldn't let her go. I couldn't let her go, what if she just floated away? I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be back on the new Normandy. I wanted to be away from this place.

My heart beat in my ears. I gulped nervously. "Just cold," I answered softly.

The commander's eyes smiled down at me gently. _Accepting, hitting the release button. No, no, no please don't go._ "Well, then let's find all of these dog tags and get out of here, okay Kimmy? You go south. Garrus, I'm going to go north, can you go east? Stay on comm everyone."

I nodded stiffly, slowly releasing her hand and heading in the direction she'd asked me to go. I kept seeing flashes of the old Normandy, each step I took. But I knew… this was just the crash site. I wasn't… I wasn't back there, Sabrina was safe. I just had to remember that, keep remembering that.

I was fine. I was fine.

My breathing got a bit louder, and I saw it… the old cockpit. A few tears fell from my eyes, and I approached it.

"You can do this, CP," Jeff encouraged, and my head snapped to the side. It was Jeff… but, it wasn't Jeff. A little younger, wearing Alliance colors… he started limping up the slope having a bit of trouble with his crutches, towards the back. Sensing that I wasn't moving, the pilot turned to look at me with a look of annoyance. "Come on CP, we're supposed to fly, remember? Don't take all day."

"…Okay," I nodded after a moment, following after him. As I followed behind him, the ship started to light up. It looked… normal. At my feet, there were some dog tags. I picked them up, reading the name on it. "Talitha..."

Her dead body appeared in my mind. I felt sick. Her eyes glazed, empty, devoid of life. She was so young, and her smile… My armored hand clenched around the item in my hand, and I pulled it over my head. This was the crash site. I was hallucinating.

" _Kimmy, did you find a dog tag?"_ Sabrina piped over the comm.

"Yeah," I confirmed, distracted, gazing around the ruins of the bridge. Imagination Jeff was standing behind Jeff's old pilot's seat, watching me patiently.

"Hey CP, you ready to fly?" he asked me gently.

I muted my mic. The control panels lit up with that simple action, and I stepped towards my friend. "You're not real," I muttered. Imagination Jeff shrugged.

"You feel guilty," he explained. "You're always feeling guilty. That's why I'm here."

A laugh sounded behind me. "Just when are you going to realize that it's not your fault?"

I spun around, drawing my weapon. Pink and white armor, gentle smile, hair in a tight bun. "…Ash?" I called out to her softly. She grinned back at me. Slowly, the ruins around me… started looking whole again. Jeff put down his crutches and took his usual seat, letting out a small groan.

"Alliance first-gen frigates," he grumbled. "They just don't care if the seats breathe."

"Gee Leauitenent," Ash mocked. "Not that fond of your baby anymore?"

I stared at the two of them blankly, feeling my heart clench painfully in my chest.

"I hope you've been keeping your promise to me," Ashley continued, crossing her arms. "Have you been taking care of her?"

"Real Jeff's trying," Imagination Jeff shrugged. "That's better than nothing."

"He doesn't need to take care of me," I cut in, shaking my head. "I can take care of myself."

They both gave me exasperated looks. "Yeah, sure," Jeff responded sarcastically. "Come on Kim, you're broken. We know that. You know that."

I scowled, but went silent. Ash leaned against a wall, smiling fondly. "I missed hanging out with you two. Remember when we went to get pizza together?"

"CP called you a tomato," Jeff snickered, fixing his hat on his head. "God, everyone got compared to fruits."

"Kim's not really a strawberry though anymore though," the female soldier sighed. I felt a pang of hurt go through me and I averted my gaze. "She's more of a pineapple now, I think."

The pilot scoffed, shaking his head. "Come on Williams, Kim's still a Strawberry. Now she's just… a strawberry hidden inside of a pineapple."

A small giggle erupted from my throat. "You're too nice to me, Jeff," I told him with a twinge of sadness in my voice.

"Because you're too mean to yourself," Ash sighed before smirking at Jeff. "Remember how jealous you were about that guy that asked for Kim's omni-code? I think his name was Dylan or something?"

"I wasn't jealous!" Jeff denied, with me saying "He wasn't jealous!" at the same time as him. The two of us stared at each other, and I felt my cheeks heat up a bit.

Ash giggled a bit, giving me a knowing look. "Cute."

"He wasn't jealous," I repeated with a scowl.

"Hey guys, remember karaoke?" Jeff coughed, changing the subject. "Now that was fun."

"All of us had so much fun that night," Ash laughed. "Especially you, Kim."

"Yeah, I did," I agreed fondly. Before Sabrina died, everything was just… it was amazing. I was close with so many people, Jeff and I were friends. Ash was my friend.

And then everything just ended.

I bit my lip. "…Things used to be so fun, and so easy."

"Easy?" Jeff snorted. "Come on CP. I treated you like shit at first, remember? Then you challenged me to a jelly bean eating contest of all things."

The memory felt hazy in my mind, but I still remembered. Guessing and laughing, taunting each other… The jellybeans were disgusting, but the memory… it was happy. "That was fun. Gross, but fun," I murmured, moving towards my old co-pilot's seat and sitting down in it. We'd made a lot of good memories together, on this ship.

"I think my favorite moment was when Kim called Liara a bitch over the PA," Ash announced. I sulked in my seat, cheeks reddening under my helmet. "Not one of your finer moments of course, but it was hilarious. Oh, or when you, me, and Garrus cooked together. What about you, Jeff?"

Jeff looked up thoughtfully. "No offense Ash, but… it was after you died."

I felt my stomach churn guiltily. "…When you were comforting me."

The pilot nodded, looking at the ground. "I held you in my arms, and you were crying…"

"It was the closest I'd ever felt to… anyone," I murmured. Tears fell down the sides of my face, pooling at the bottom of my helmet. "God, Ash, I'm so sorry." Why was that my favorite moment? Why? So many good things had happened before that… so many with her, and with Garrus and Tali. So why was it that my favorite moment had to be with him?

"You were best friends," Ash reasoned with a shrug, reading my mind. "Plus, some of your other favorite moments were with me… so, I'm fine. It's okay, you know. You and Jeff were always a lot closer than we'd been. I knew that… But I guess I'm still a bit jealous."

Jeff snickered. "Too bad, Williams. I guess I'm higher up on the rankings then you are."

"Yeah. Shut up Joker," Ashley rolled her eyes. "I still mattered."

"You still matter," I corrected the soldier sincerely. Her look turned gentle, and she placed a hand on top of my helmet.

"So do you, Kim," she told me fondly. "But you can't keep avoiding what you're afraid of." The sound of a loud bang caused me to turn around. There was fire now, Pressly and Talitha's dead bodies lay on the ground. Alarms were blaring, my heart beating fast. Sabrina was walking towards us.

"Joker! Kim! Come on we have to get out of here!" Sabrina exclaimed, fully armored and her helmet covering all but her eyes. I stood up and placed my hands on her shoulders. She shouldn't be here, why was she here?

"Sabrina what are you still doing here?" I asked her, horrified. No, no, no, she was supposed to have been evacuated with Kaidan and the others. Why was she still here?! "You have to get off the ship, it's dangerous-"

"It's not dangerous!" Jeff cut me off angrily. "I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!"

EDI's voice rang over my earpiece. _"Miss Kogan, your armor's metabolic scans are going off the charts."_

" _You okay CP?"_ Jeff inquired, worry seeping into his voice. Looking around with wild eyes, this place was dark… I could barely see torn wires and burnt pieces of equipment. I let out a choked sob, finding myself curled on the floor of the ruined cockpit. _"CP, talk to me."_

" _Alerting Shepard,"_ EDI announced.

" _Just wait a minute EDI,"_ the pilot snapped at the AI over my earpiece. _"CP, you there?"_

With a shaky hand, I activated my omni-tool and unmuted my mic. "I'm here. Sorry," I coughed. My face felt wet under my helmet and I stumbled to my feet, feeling disoriented. "I'm going to head back to the shuttle now."

" _Okay,"_ Jeff approved. _"I'll let Shepard know. How many dog tags did you find?"_

"One," I answered softly, making my way back to the shuttle. "I just… I can't be here again."

"… _Do you want to talk about it_?" Jeff asked me, concerned. I opened the shuttle door and stepped inside, sealing it behind me before slumping in one of the seats.

"…Maybe later," I replied, trying to ground myself. I'd been having an attack, or… more like a psychotic episode. I'd… talk to Mordin about it. Mordin first, then maybe Jeff.

Sabrina couldn't know.

My eyes widened.

"EDI, please tell me you didn't alert Sabrina," I begged. "I don't want to worry her."

" _Commander Shepard has not yet been alerted Miss Kogan,"_ EDI responded, voice calm and mechanical.

I breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm glad. Thanks."

" _You're welcome, Miss Kogan."_

I closed my eyes, clenching my hand around Talitha's dog tag. "…Joker?" I mumbled. The pilot let out a hum of acknowledgement. "…Do you ever think about things from the old Normandy?"

He chuckled over the comm, the sound causing me to smile. _"Yeah, sometimes. Things were still pretty crazy back then, though. Saren… Geth… You getting shot in the knees."_

"One knee," I grumbled. "And my calf. Not both knees."

" _Right, sorry,"_ Jeff snickered. _"We did have some pretty fun times back then though."_

"What was your favorite moment?" I inquired, fiddling with the tag's chain. "You know, before Sabrina died." There was silence on the other end, it lasted for a couple of minutes. "…Joker?" I called out uncertainly. "Are you still there?"

" _Yeah, I am,"_ he responded. _"Just having a bit of trouble deciding._ "

"You don't have to tell me," I shrugged. "It's a stupid question anyways."

" _Nah, we just had a lot of good times_ ," the pilot admitted. _"I'd have to say it's a tie between taking down Sovereign and saving Shepard's ass on Therum. What about you?"_

Inwardly I panicked. No way was I going to tell him the truth. "I don't know!" I stammered. "Cooking with Ash and Garrus maybe? Or… or, well, firing that final shot at Sovereign was pretty cool too."

The shuttle door hissed open, Sabrina and Garrus stepping inside carrying various treasures. Sabrina held her old N7 breather helmet in her hands, and Garrus was carrying numerous dogtags.

"Kimmy! Joker said you'd gone back to the shuttle," Sabrina sealed the door, hitting the wall that separated us from the shuttle pilot to let him know we were ready to leave. It was pretty difficult to fly in armor, so Miranda had gotten Haggerty to fly instead of me. I cut the comm link from my mic to the Normandy, ending my conversation with Jeff without so much as a goodbye before freeing my head from the headgear, Sabrina and Garrus doing the same. The commander sat on the other side of the shuttle, Garrus taking the spot next to me. "You muted your mic, so I was a little bit worried."

I shrugged, wiping the dried tears from my face. "I just didn't want to say anything embarrassing," I lied. Sabrina smiled at me gently, noticing my face but not questioning me, pulling a familiar, square case from her old helmet. My eyes widened at the sight of it.

The CD ash gave me.

"Hey Kim-bear, let's trade," she offered. "I'll take the dog tag, and you can keep this. You were very brave today." I reached out for the item, Sabrina handing me the CD while I passed her Talitha's dog tag.

My fingers ran along the front of the case and I stared at it fondly. "…I didn't think it survived the crash," I admitted. "Gave up on it years ago. I wonder if it still works."

Sabrina beamed at me. "Glad I found it!"

"Thank you," I told the commander sincerely. "…I've missed her."

"We all do," Garrus comforted, placing his talon on my head. "Williams was a good soldier."

"And a good friend," Sabrina added, her eyes a bit sad. "…I'm sorry for leaving her behind."

At her apology my head snapped up and I shook my head frantically. "What? No, Sabs… There wasn't a right decision there. You don't need to apologize to me," I stated firmly.

I was the one that left her behind and didn't do anything. Sabrina needed to save Kaidan, it wasn't her fault. It was mine. If I'd just stayed with her at the bomb site, maybe I could have saved her. Instead… I ran off to Sabrina.

It wasn't Sabrina's fault at all.

The rest of the flight back to the Normandy was silent. As soon as we were back, Sabrina headed up to her room to stash her armor away while Garrus went back to the Main Battery to do some more calibrations. I'd gone up to the bridge to put my armor away.

"Hey CP," Jeff greeted, turning his seat around when I entered. "How was it?"

"Cold," I answered bluntly, entering the pilot's quarters and beginning to pull off my armor. "…Sabrina found me something though. It was nice. EDI, seal and lock the doors please. Don't want Joker to peek while I'm changing."

Jeff let out a loud scoff, turning his seat around. "I'm not going to peek!"

Kasumi appeared behind his seat. "Personally, I think Kim has a right to be wary. I've seen some of your extranet bookmarks."

"Wha…? Damn it Kasumi," Jeff grumbled as the doors sealed shut. I let out a long sigh, opening my locker and stashing my CD, placing my armor and such on top of it and grabbing my fatigues to change into. I changed quickly, because even though I trusted EDI to have locked my door… I also trusted Kasumi to unlock it and be… weird. I unlocked the door myself once I was done and stepped out, a little bit surprised that Kasumi was still there.

"-all I'm saying is that it wouldn't surprise me if you tried to peek on Kim," Kasumi shrugged, she and Jeff engaged in what I knew was an awkward conversation. "She's cute. And her _legs_! They're surprisingly long for someone so short."

"Thanks so much Kasumi," I announced, sarcasm dripping off of every word. The thief turned around to smile at me mischievously.

"You're welcome," she responded, completely ignoring my tone. "Anyways, I was wondering if you could come down to the Port Observation later so we could discuss your alias for the heist."

I shrugged, but nodded. "Sure. I'm just going to go see Mordin right now… if Joker's okay with it."

"Fine with me," Jeff shrugged. "Oh, and we're heading to the Eagle Nebula next. Korlus. We're supposed to pick up a Krogan Warlord. Might want to check with Miranda to see if you're going to be flying the shuttle or not.""

"Sure, okay," I nodded. "I'm guessing you're heading back to the Sahrabarik System now?"

"Yeah," the pilot confirmed. "Plot a course before you go see Mordin? Told EDI to leave that job to you if you're on the bridge."

"How thoughtful!" Kasumi interjected.

I moved to my console and set the course. "It's just one jump from the Omega 2 Relay to the Eagle Nebula."

"Will you need me to let you know before we make the jump so you can close your eyes?" Jeff teased. I stood up and pushed the rim of his hat down, causing him to laugh.

"Leaving now," I announced, Kasumi walking with me. "Yes, Kasumi?" I asked the girl.

"Just wanted to say that you two are good together. Like Ken and Gabby," the thief told me before disappearing from my sight. Right, like Kenneth deserved someone as nice and level-headed as Gabby. I rolled my eyes and scoffed, making my way past the Galaxy Map and into the Science Lab. The salarian that I'd gone to see was jotting down notes, a half-built mechanical bug on one of the tables.

"Ah, Kim, good to see you," Mordin greeted, not looking up from his work. "Using data on Collector's to build a Seeker. Sting able to paralyze humans. Vaccine against sting..." the salarian looked up thoughtfully. "Possible, but against a swarm… Ready to assist?"

"Oh, um… not exactly," I answered, feeling a bit guilty. I had said that I'd help him with his research. "I was actually wondering if I could talk to you for a bit."

The professor turned his head to look at me, placing his datapad down. "Not here to help, here to talk. What about?" Mordin placed a hand on his chin. "You look guilty… Did something wrong? Don't want to assist anymore? No, interest in medicine genuine. Something else, something personal…" I stared at him, amazed at his deduction skills. "Ah, understand now. Shepard took you to Normandy's crash site. Read your file. You relapsed, most likely," he clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "Shepard should have been more thoughtful. Are you alright?"

"…I don't know," I admitted, taking a seat on one of the counters. "I had an attack, but it was different than usual. And… I was able to recover pretty fast, snapped out of it when EDI spoke over my comm."

"Different?" Mordin's eyes shined, intrigued. "How so?"

I averted my gaze. "I hallucinated a friend of mine," I explained. "She died a few months before Sabrina did. We talked for a while… Then my attack happened."

"Interesting," the professor nodded to himself. "Original cause of your PTSD was Shepard's death. Shepard's alive now," Mordin noted. "Guilt still there of course, disorder still there… but high possibility of full recovery now. Unique circumstances… could be first to be fully cured. Fascinating! Will need to record your symptoms of course, need full details of hallucination, track progress…" He picked up his datapad and began jotting down new notes, cheerful.

I frowned. "Mordin?"

Mordin's head snapped towards me. "Ah, apologies. Getting ahead of myself. Just hopeful for you."

My heart warmed at his words. "…Thanks Mordin," I grinned. If he was hopeful that I was getting better…

Maybe I actually would.

I hopped off of the counter, gesturing towards the seeker that he was building. "So, tell me more about this. I'm ready to help out now!"

Mordin's eyes lit up. "Of course," he nodded, going on to explain what he was doing and instructing me on how to help. For the next few hours, I didn't worry about anything. I didn't feel empty, or like I had to put on a mask in front of my new mentor.

He trusted me to help, he didn't just make me do the easy stuff. Mordin actually wanted to teach me and help me learn. It was… different from how everyone else treated me. He didn't act like he was stepping on eggshells or avoid topics. He'd answer all my questions quickly, and things didn't feel awkward with him. It wasn't like with Chakwas or Garrus who would worry over me because of my… disorder. Or like Sabrina, who I felt like I had to hide things from.

Or like Jeff, who I had so much trouble talking to unless it was in my head.

With Mordin, it was easy.


	11. Crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I feel that by slowing down on my posts, I've lost readers.
> 
> ...Oh well.
> 
> Again, this is a shorter chapter. But considering that my minimum word count per chapter is 2500 words, this is still pretty good.
> 
> Update: So I started working on the website/blog where I'm going to stockpile information on the series. Anyone that wants to look at it can take a look at the link -> https://copilotfanfic.wordpress.com/

"What if instead of coming up with a vaccine…" I started thoughtfully. "We could try and find a way to make us like, invisible to the Seeker swarms."

Mordin nodded approvingly. "Good concept, but how? Through shields… Yes! Shields! Good work today Kim."

I beamed back at him. "Thanks for letting me help."

"Glad for the help," Mordin responded cheerfully. The Science Room's PA rang to life, Jeff's voice coming over it.

" _Hey CP, Lawson wants you down on Deck Five. We're just above Korlus. Looks like you're piloting,"_ he told me.

"Thanks for letting me know," I called back. Damn, I knew I'd been forgetting something… I was supposed to ask Miranda if I'd be flying to shuttle, I'd just been distracted helping Mordin with his research. "See you later Mordin."

"Yes, yes. Lots of work to be done. Don't forget, detailed report!" Mordin reminded, his dark eyes crinkling with his smile. I gave him a thumbs up before exiting the lab and heading towards the elevator. I hit the call button, waiting patiently.

"Haven't seen you before," a female voice commented. I glanced to the side, seeing a… pretty attractive girl. Intricate, blue, brown, and black tattoo's covered most of her skin, her breasts hidden by leather strips. And she had a beautiful face, plump lips, and brown eyes. "You done checking me out?"

My cheeks reddened and I averted my gaze. "…Sorry."

The girl let out a sharp laugh. "Whatever."

Elevator doors opening, I stepped inside, the woman entering with me. "What deck?" I asked her.

"Deck five," she answered, crossing her arms. "Are you the other one that Shepard's taking with us?"

I shook my head, hitting the button to go down. "I'm just flying the shuttle," I explained simply. "…My names Kim," I added.

"Jack," the girl stated bluntly. "Shepard mentioned you. Said you used to be Alliance. So, why are you a part of Cerberus?"

"Sabrina's my family," I answered awkwardly. "Cerberus said they were bringing her back, so I joined up."

Jack scoffed. "You care about Shepard that much?"

"It's not like I like Cerberus," I mumbled. "They do shitty things. But I'm here for Sabrina, not them. Why?"

The girl smirked over at me. "You know what? Now that I know you're not like the Cerberus Cheerleader, its fine if you're checking me out." My face burned and I crossed my arms. Jack laughed at my expression. "Oh, you're fun to tease."

Finally the elevator doors opened, and I quickly headed towards the shuttle. Kenn was there, already scanning the shuttle before flight. "Hello Kenn," I greeted, the boy's head snapping in my direction.

"Kim!" He greeted cheerfully. "I, um… asked Shepard if I could help with the shuttle. If that's alright with you, of course."

"Looks like I've got a co-pilot," I announced, patting the quarian's shoulder and grinning up at him. "How did the scans look?"

"The shuttle's in good condition," Kenn answered with a nod. I could hear the elevator reopen, and I turned to see Sabrina and Garrus approaching.

"Kimmy! Are we ready to go?" Sabrina called out. I took another scan of the shuttle myself, just in case.

"Just give me a minute," I answered, my omni-tool confirming that Kenn's scans were correct. "Sorry Kenn," I shrugged at the boy sheepishly. "I needed to be sure. But yeah, you were right. Shuttle's good to go," I turned to face Sabrina and her ground team. "Shall we?"

Sabrina nodded, she and Garrus entering the shuttle first with Jack following behind them. The tattooed girl smirked at me as she passed and I averted my gaze, a blush forming on my face.

…Jack was a very attractive girl.

I ran a hand through my bangs, letting out a heavy sigh. "Okay Kenn, ever fly a shuttle before?"

Kenn shook his head. "No, sorry."

"It's fine," I smiled over at him. "Go on in. I'll teach you. Shuttles are a lot easier than ships… and even then, flying a ship like the Normandy is just pressing buttons ninety-eight percent of the time."

The quarian nodded eagerly, entering from the other side. I opened my door, sealing it shut once I was inside and sitting in the pilot's seat. "Thanks for teaching me Kim," the boy thanked me earnestly. I shook my head.

"It's not a problem Kenn, anything for one of my favorite quarian's," I shrugged, activating my control panel. "These are the pilot's controls," I began, going on to explain how they worked and what needed to be checked and pressed before flight. I turned on the comm link to the Normandy, now ready to fly. "Hey Joker, EDI. We're all set here. Open up the bay doors?"

" _Shuttle bay doors opening, Miss Kogan,"_ EDI answered. I activated the primary thrusters, directing the shuttle out of the Normandy and flying down to the surface to drop Sabrina and her ground team off.

"See Kenn? Pretty easy," I hummed, grinning over at him. "Just gotta keep a steady hand when manually flying the shuttle."

"…Amazing," Kenn murmured softly, a moment later snapping out of his trance and placing his attention elsewhere. "F-flying, I mean. It's amazing."

"Yeah," I agreed fondly. Flying… it was great. "I love it. So, are you wanting to become a shuttle pilot?"

"Maybe," the boy shrugged, staring out the shuttles window. "I'm… not too sure yet."

I flicked on the shuttle's intercom to talk to Sabrina. "Just a few minutes away from the drop zone Sabs, have fun fighting through mercs."

" _We'll call you when we're ready for a pickup,"_ Sabrina replied.

"I'll be ready," I replied, turning off the PA. I let out a sigh, realizing that the link to the Normandy was still on before flicking it off. "So Kenn, how's working with Donnelly and Daniels?"

"It's going great," Kenn answered enthusiastically. "Donnelly's really good at explaining things. And Daniels is pretty nice to me. I didn't expect a Cerberus crew to be as friendly as they are."

"We're probably the best side of Cerberus," I shrugged, hovering above the drop zone. "Opening shuttle doors," I announced, keeping my eyes on the camera's to see Sabrina, Jack, and Garrus jump out. "And we're done here," I leaned with the shuttle as I brought it back up, Kenn glancing between me and the controls. I sealed the doors shut again, speeding up and out of range of the mercenary defences. My hand hit the button to open a comm channel with the Normandy. "Hey, we're heading back to the Normandy. Open up the bay doors?"

" _Sure thing CP. But first… Kenn, that's the name of your quarian friend, right?"_ Jeff inquired. I glanced over at Kenn, feeling a bit cautious. What exactly was he asking for…?

"Yes, that's my name," Kenn replied with a nod. "You're Joker, right? The commander mentioned you."

" _Yeah, that's me,"_ the pilot answered, sounding a bit grumpy. " _So, why're you in the shuttle anyways_?"

Kenn glanced around anxiously. "Ah, I just, I mean…"

I let out a long sigh, flying into the shuttle bay. "Joker, he wanted to come along. Sabrina said it was okay, so I was okay with it. There's nothing wrong with him coming along, is there?"

" _Just didn't think you needed help flying, CP,"_ Jeff sassed in retaliation. A frown graced my lips; I just didn't understand why he was being so snippy all of a sudden. Not too long ago, we'd basically promised to try to work with each other better. This didn't seem like trying to me. _"At least not with a shuttle, with how amazing you are."_

…And now he was picking a fight.

My mood darkened considerably. "I don't need help flying," I hissed. "I was showing Kenn how to fly. Need anything else, Flight Leauitenent?" I inquired bitterly. He didn't answer. "Nothing? That's great. Fuck you very much," I declared, shutting off the comm link and crossing my arms.

"…Are you okay Kim?" Kenn piped up awkwardly. "I think that me flying with you upset Joker. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," I snapped at the boy, wincing and shaking my head. He wasn't the one I was upset with, Jeff was. I shouldn't lash out at Kenn. "I mean… God, sorry Kenn. There's no problem with you flying with me." It was kind of like Jeff flying with EDI. "Joker's just pushing buttons that he really shouldn't push." Because I didn't need help to fly anymore. He knew that.

It wasn't a trigger.

…At least, it wasn't a trigger anymore.

Checking the cameras to confirm that the shuttle bay doors were closed, I exited the shuttle and stretched, not looking at the quarian boy. "I'm heading up to the crew deck. Kasumi wanted to speak with me," I explained. "Can you do me a favor and make sure the shuttle's good? Like, check fuel levels and that sort of thing?"

Kenn nodded frantically, already activating his omni-tool. "Of course, of course! I'll, um, talk to you later. Thanks for letting me fly with you."

I nodded tiredly, heading towards the elevator and heading up to the crew deck. Sure, I didn't like Kasumi all that much but she had asked to speak with me. And with how I was feeling at the time, the master thief would be a far more welcome presence than Jeff.

"You look angry again, Kim," Kasumi greeted, appearing beside me in the elevator. "What happened this time?"

"Nothing," I grumbled, crossing my arms and glaring at the wall. "I was just going to meet you so we could talk about the heist."

Kasumi smiled. "I'll mix you a drink at the bar first. You look like you could use it."

We stood in silence, the elevator doors opening on the crew deck. "…That sounds great. Thanks Kasumi," I mumbled, following the other girl towards the Port Observation. The doors hissed open, and I gazed around the room. Kasumi moved towards the nearby bar, grabbing a glass and pouring a blue liquid into it. My eyes caught sight of a rose, which I walked towards. Then I spotted the books, real books, pieces of art…

…Lovely.

"The red rose… that used to be my calling card when I first started out," Kasumi remembered fondly, walking over to me and handing me my drink. "In place of whatever I took, I left a single red rose."

"I didn't take you as the kind of person to leave anything behind," I commented, taking a sip of the drink. Sweet, with a hint of berries. "No offense."

Kasumi let out a small laugh. "Yeah, it wasn't until I met Keiji that I realized how silly it was. He had a way of making you realize when you were just being sentimental."

The two of us made our way to the couch, sitting down with glasses in hand. "Keiji?" I inquired, curious.

The master thief turned serious. "He's the reason we're pulling off this heist. Shall we start talking business?" I nodded. Kasumi smirked, leaning back on the couch. "Good. So, we'll be infiltrating a society party… that's why you and Shepard needed the dresses."

"I'd like to know why Sabrina couldn't just do this, if she's going to be with me anyways," I said between sips. Kasumi nodded, understanding.

"Like I said back on the Citadel… Shepard's recognizable. You're an unknown," the thief explained with a shrug of her shoulders. "If Shepard's playing your body guard, no one will question if she's wearing a mask of some sort. Besides, haven't you looked in the mirror? You're stunning. Hock won't be able to look away."

Finishing my drink, I placed the glass on the floor. "I'm guessing that's the target?"

"You're a sharp one," Kasumi complimented, putting her glass down. "Donovan Hock. He's a weapon's dealer and a smuggler. Killed my partner and stole his graybox. Other than that… he's not so bad," the girl shrugged. "Rich, charismatic, willing to crack open a man's skull to get at the neural implants inside," Kasumi finished bitterly. My eyes widened slightly.

… She'd lost someone important to her, too. But unlike me, she wasn't breaking down.

"Keiji was your boyfriend?" I guessed. Kasumi nodded, hugging her legs to her chest.

"Did I make it too obvious?" the girl sighed. "Yeah. He was my boyfriend. His greybox holds a lot of priceless, personal memories that I want to get back. It's all that remains of who he was."

My heart ached for her. "We'll get it back," I promised.

Kasumi's eyes widened slightly, surprised. "I didn't think you'd be so amiable."

"I know what it's like," I responded softly. "You know, to want someone back. Even just a little piece."

"…Thanks, Kim," Kasumi whispered, letting go of her legs and sitting properly. "The secret he discovered was dangerous though. I wouldn't bring you guys along if it wasn't."

"Yeah, okay," I nodded. "Let's talk about my cover," I decided, far more willing to help now.

The thief seemed to notice my attitude change, a soft smile on her lips. "Your cover is Alison Gunn. You run a small, but talented group of mercenaries out in the Terminus Systems. Precisely the type of person Hock respects," she activated her omni-tool, sending me a few files. "I took the liberty of giving you a reputation. Papers, witnesses, an article in 'Badass Weekly'."

"Wow, you went all out," I laughed lightly, brushing my bangs to the side and reading the article. It was quite the story. "Anything else I need to know about my cover?"

Kasumi shrugged. "Just be yourself. Shep mentioned you have a thing for old music; that might be a good conversation starter. Hock's a collector, he probably knows a thing or two about music too. Just don't start talking business with him and you'll be fine."

"Sounds good," I agreed. "What about the heist itself? You did say that eyes would be on me."

"You're going to be a good distraction," Kasumi confirmed. "We'll all be in radio contact. See, this society party's for some of Hock's closest friends. A couple dozen of the worst liars, cheaters, and mass murderers you'll ever want to meet."

"Wonderful," I mused.

"All of them are bringing gifts as tribute to the man himself," Kasumi added. "Our tribute's a lovely statue of your old friend Saren, rendered with loving detail and filled to the brim with our weapons and armor."

"Okay, so we're smuggling weapons in through that… but what about sidearms?" I inquired carefully. If I was going to be surrounded by bad people, I wanted some line of defense.

"They won't hassle you over a side-arm as long as it's concealed," the thief assured. "Your dress would be pretty good for hiding it. Just strap a holster onto your thigh and you're good. Plus, Shepard'll be with you. Her biotics could come in handy if you get in any trouble."

I leaned back. "Let's try to avoid trouble."

"Agreed," Kasumi nodded. "Inside of the party, we'll need to find Hock's vault door. Then we case the security and start peeling away the layers. You and Shep can enjoy the party until I crack the vault… Then you guys should meet with me again. The statue should be by the safe, waiting for us to crack it open and arm up."

"So… Help you if you need it, but other than that try to not be suspicious?" I questioned. Kasumi grinned and gave me a thumbs up.

"Exactly," Kasumi confirmed. "I'll go get you another drink."

I glanced over at the bar cautiously. One drink was already going to upset Garrus or Karin if they found out…

' _Just didn't think you needed help flying, CP.'_

"Sure, another drink sounds good," I smiled widely. "Just give me a sec."

"Take your time," Kasumi picked up my glass, heading over to the bar. I activated my omni-tool and flicked on my comm.

"Hey EDI, could you ask Haggerty if he could fly the shuttle down to pick up Sabrina when they're ready for pick up? Kasumi and I are a bit busy right now," I lied, Kasumi giggling a bit at the excuse I gave.

" _Mr. Haggerty has been informed,"_ EDI responded. I shut off my comm and let out a long sigh, Kasumi coming back and handing me another drink.

"Officer Kogan would rather spend time here with me instead of up in the cockpit," Kasumi noted. "I've got to say, I never would have expected that. What did Joker do?"

"What makes you think it was something Joker did?" I inquired, taking a sip. This one tasted a bit less sweet, with a hint of blackberry.

"Call it intuition," the thief shrugged. "It's not like Keiji and I always got along."

I ran my fingers through my hair, giving Kasumi an annoyed look. "What's with you always teasing me like that? Sabrina too. Seriously. Joker… he only _used_ to be a friend," I muttered. "Now I don't know what we are."

"Confused, from what I can tell," Kasumi commented. "And very, very awkward."

"Gee, thanks for noticing Kasumi," I snickered. "Any other insights?"

Kasumi took a sip of her drink, watching me with inquisitive, dark eyes. "It's obvious that the two of you care about each other a lot, even after everything that's happened. Don't worry, the two of you'll get through this… well, whatever's going on. Trust me."

"If you say so," I shrugged, taking a big gulp of the alcoholic beverage and feeling a familiar warmth in the pit of my stomach.

…I missed this.

"You two've been through a lot together, right? Have some faith," Kasumi giggled, her glass now empty. "I'm grabbing another. Want me to grab you one more?"

I bit my lip, glancing over at the bar. One more couldn't hurt. I'd only had two, and it wasn't like I was drinking alone…

There wasn't really anything wrong with me having a few drinks every now and then, was there? It wasn't like I was drinking every day. And I was getting better now that Sabrina was back…

What was the harm in one more drink?

I nodded over at Kasumi, handing her my glass. "Yeah, sure. One more."


	12. Somewhere Only We Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that the site for this series is now up. https://copilotfanfic.wordpress.com/about/ 

" _Miss Kogan, Mr. Moreau didn't mean to upset you the other day,"_ EDI told me as Mordin and I looked over the data gathered from Horizon. The countermeasure that the two of us had worked on had succeeded, and now we had more data to work with. Since Jeff and I fell into our spat a few days ago, I'd busied myself with other work. Helping Mordin… Working with Kasumi so I could master my cover for the heist. I'd even gotten to meet the Krogan that Sabrina picked up. Mordin and I did some scans of him, took blood samples… that sort of thing. He was… well, not like Wrex, but I liked to think that the two of us at least kind of got along. He liked me a little bit more than Mordin.

And when I wasn't with Mordin or Kasumi, I spent my breaks either eating with Gabby and Sabrina in the mess hall or heading down to Engineering to check up on Kenn. A couple of times Jack and I ran into each other, but we didn't really speak all that much.

Then with Jeff… Well, he wasn't even trying to talk to me. So I didn't talk to him. Or go to the cockpit. Sabrina had noticed, but didn't say anything about it.

"Yeah, I know," I grumbled in response. Mordin chuckled, clicking his tongue and jotting down a few notes.

"Should go speak with Joker," the professor suggested. "Avoiding situation for a few days now. Not healthy."

I scowled, putting down my datapad and crossing my arms. "Mordin, come on. I'm not avoiding anything, I'm just keeping busy."

Kasumi appeared on the counter, her legs crossed. "Right, not avoiding anything," she drawled.

"See? Kasumi understands," I announced, grinning at the thief. As it turned out, the two of us had a few things in common. So we were getting along better. "Look, if Joker wants to talk to me, then he can talk to me. I'm not stopping him."

"True," Mordin mused. "Will not hassle then, unless work gets affected."

I shut off my datapad and moved to deactivate the seeker we'd created. "Thanks."

"Anyways, Kim, I was wondering if you could go check on Shep," Kasumi requested. "Garrus seemed a bit worried."

I blinked, tilting my head to the side in confusion. "What happened?" I asked. During the mission, Mordin and me had been busy looking over the data and keeping our eyes on their metabolic scans to make sure that the countermeasure wasn't backfiring. The comm link was in the cockpit, and Haggerty was the one who'd dropped them in the shuttle and picked them up. "Well, first off… why's Garrus worried?"

"We ran into some guy named Kaidan," the thief explained. "As far as reunions go, I don't think it went very well. Shep headed up to her cabin as soon as we got back. Hasn't left it for hours now."

My lips pursed, a bitter taste in my mouth. "What the hell did he do?" I growled, expression darkening. Kasumi sighed, standing up and placing a hand on her hip.

"Well, he accused Shep of being a traitor for starters," the girl told me.

…The asshole.

Sabrina wanted to see him. No one would let us know where he was, or how to contact him. She missed him, she needed him…

And he pushed her away.

"I'm going to kill him," I decided with a nod. Kasumi letting out a sharp laugh at my reaction. "Okay, I'll go and talk to her. Mordin…?"

"Will be fine," Mordin assured. "Check on Shepard."

I beamed at the professor. "Thanks Mordin."

Kasumi and I headed towards the elevator together, passing Kelly on the way. The Yeoman glanced over at the two of us, inspecting. Watching. I tried to ignore her, hitting the call button and stepping inside once the doors hissed open. I hit the button to head up to Deck One. Kasumi stayed outside the elevator, smiling at me as the doors began to close.

"Good luck, Kim," Kasumi called out to me just before they sealed shut. Not too long later did they open, and I stepped onto Deck One. I could hear some music from behind Sabrina's door, and frowned. I placed my ear against the cold metal door, hearing a few sniffles. My heart clenched painfully.

Kaidan… probably really hurt her.

I pressed my hand on the aero-gel door lock, only for it to stay locked. "Hey EDI, can you unlock the door for me?" I requested.

" _Shepard said that she didn't want to be disturbed,"_ the AI responded simply, the door letting out a beep and refusing me access. I scowled, activating my omni-tool and rolling my eyes.

"Looks like I have to do this the hard way then," I muttered. Door locks were never that difficult to hack through. But this was a Cerberus vessel, so… more of a challenge than other locks I'd dealt with in the past.

…Good thing I liked a challenge.

The doors hissed open and I walked inside. Sabrina was on her bed, her back against the headboard and hugging her legs to her chest. Tears were streaming from her eyes, panic filling them as she noticed me.

"Kimmy?" she croaked, voice scratchy. "What are you doing here?" she asked, scrambling to shut off the music with her omni-tool.

"Kasumi and Garrus were worried," I explained, making my way towards her and sitting on the edge of the bed. "…Want to talk about it?"

We sat in silence for a few minutes. Sabrina wiping her eyes. "…He said that I betrayed the Alliance. Betrayed him," more tears streamed from her eyes. "He said that I'd changed."

I clenched my jaw shut, anger pooling in my belly. Sabrina was the only one that hadn't changed. She was the only one that didn't, and Kaidan thought that she did? He was blind, stupid… He didn't deserve her. Letting out a heavy sigh, I forced the anger down. Later, I could be mad.

Right now, Sabrina needed me.

Leaning my back against the headboard, I turned my head to look at my sister. Her eyes and face were red from crying, her hair was messy…

Good thing Kasumi asked me to check on her.

"You know that you haven't," I stated firmly. "You haven't changed. You haven't betrayed the Alliance. Kaidan's just… hurt," I said the last word awkwardly. Sabrina let out a small sob and I hesitantly wrapped an arm around her. "I just… I wish he hadn't hurt you in the process."

"He sent me a message," she said between sniffles, reaching over to her side table to pick up her datapad. She offered it to me, and I took it from her curiously, eyes scanning over the words. Only a few lines really stuck out for me.

It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on.

How could he have moved on, if he'd really cared about her that much? I didn't move on, not really.

 _I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore._ Not that he even really tried to get to know her again.

 _A lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._ Well, he should have. Because Sabrina mattered more than time.

_I couldn't bear it if I lost you again._

My eyes stayed glued to that line. Losing Sabrina again…

The thought made me sick.

No, I couldn't… I wouldn't be able to do it either. Maybe… was that why he didn't come with us? He didn't want to follow her to hell and see her in danger again? I shook off the thoughts. No.

He was wrong. Kaidan was wrong. He should have trusted Sabrina. Disgusted, I returned the datapad to her. If Kaidan really loved her, he would have stayed.

And he didn't stay.

"I'm sorry," I told Sabrina earnestly. She shook her head, staring down at the datapad with tired eyes.

"Don't be. I guess… he's right. And I don't even know who I am anymore," Sabrina spoke softly. "They brought me back Kim. Cerberus… They brought me back. I don't even know if I'm really me anymore."

"You're you," I assured. "Come on. You think I'd be here with you if you weren't really Sabrina?"

"But how do you know for sure?" Sabrina argued. "I'm not even fully human anymore. There's cybernetics in me… I died, Kim! I died! You're not supposed to come back after that. It's not natural. It's not normal!"

My thoughts raced in my head. She was right. People didn't come back, or they weren't supposed to. But she did. Because she was special, because she mattered. She was a hero, a legend.

If she was a fake, I'd know. I knew that I'd know. She hadn't changed at all since she'd died. Everyone else had.

If she was different, I'd know.

I glanced over at the fish tank, not looking at Sabrina. "I know that you're you."

"How?" Sabrina pressed, reaching out and grabbing my hand. Biting my lip, I returned my gaze to her.

"When you died... I wanted to die with you," I told her, voice soft. "My whole world… it just fell apart. And I never really got better. I said that I was… but I wasn't."

Sabrina's eyes widened. "Kim…"

"Just… listen, okay?" I begged. Sabrina nodded, and I ran a hand through my bangs and sighed. "The Alliance deemed me mentally unfit to fly. I had panic attacks… I relived your death over and over again even if I just stepped into a skycar. And Jeff…" Tears pooled in my eyes. "I couldn't face him. I pushed… everyone away because I just wanted to die alone like you did. But you're back now, and I know that you're you. I don't know how… but I know. If you weren't you, then I probably wouldn't be here. So trust me, okay Sabs?"

The commander stared at me, her expression a mix of surprise and sadness. "Kim I… I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I shrugged. "Things happen. Things change, people change… and your death changed me more than I'd like to admit. But now you're back… so… yeah."

Sabrina smiled at me weakly. "…I trust you, Kim."

I grinned over at her. "Damn straight."

My sister pulled me into a headlock, smothering my face with sloppy kisses. "I love you little sis!" she declared, nuzzling the top of my head.

"I love you too, Sissy," I responded with a small smile. We sat there in her room for a bit longer, just… close. It felt more comfortable with her now, since we'd talked. Finally I shrugged her off of me, standing up from the bed and heading over to the control panel on the wall. "Okay, time to do something fun. Get up Sabs, let's dance badly."

Laughter exploded from the older woman's throat and she raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Really Kimmy?"

Music playing over the sound system, I stepped back towards her and offered my hand, pouting. "Dance with me!" I whined. Sabrina giggled a bit, taking my hand and standing up.

" _Now that she's back in the atmosphere with drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey, hey."_

The two of us spun together around the room, tripping over stairs and laughing as the lyrics rang through our heads, trying to shout the words over each other.

" _But tell me, did you sail across the sun?"_

We were like children, shoving each other over and falling all over the place… jumping up and down on the bed and hugging each other, giggling.

" _Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded, and that heaven is overrated?"_

We used to do silly kid stuff like this all the time.

" _Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star "_

It made me feel light, like nothing could go wrong. Like I was up above the clouds with her.

" _One without a permanent scar?"_

Like… for a few minutes at least, we could go back in time and forget that anything bad had ever happened.

" _And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"_

We lay on the floor in a pile of pillows and blankets, tears falling from our eyes as we laughed, and laughed, and laughed. I tackled Sabrina, nuzzling her and smiling brightly. Soon the song came to a close, and we could just… hear our breathing. It was heavy from all of our jumping around and being crazy.

It felt so… peaceful though.

"You feeling better now, Sabs?" I piped up. Sabrina nodded, ruffling my hair.

"I probably look horrible right now, but yeah… almost," she replied, standing up and picking up her datapad from her side table. She stared at it for a few moments before placing it back down, turning to me and flipping her now horrendously messy hair over her shoulder. "… I'm going to get cleaned up. Then lets… Well, I want to spend some more time with you. We got those ingredients, right? Let's make something. I'll ask Garrus if he wants to join in."

I gave her a thumbs up. Since my hair was in its usual braid, it only got a little bit messy from all of our jumping around. "Sure thing. I'll go head down and start, well, gathering stuff. Just… We probably won't be able to make anything all that great for Garrus."

"Pfft," Sabrina waved me off. "He can just help out! Don't tell me you don't want to hang out with Garrus a bit."

I stuck out my tongue at her. "Garrus is like family. I always like spending time with him. You know, when he's not taking missiles to the side of the face."

"Ooh, that's a good one. Remind me to tell him about that later," Sabrina grinned cheekily. "He told me not to make him laugh. So… I've been trying to make him laugh."

"You're horrible, that wasn't even that funny," I snickered, making my way towards the doors. "Okay, see you on the crew deck. We can decide what to make once we're down there."

My sister let out a sound of acknowledgement as I exited her room, entering the elevator and pressing the button to head on down to the crew deck. The doors reopened on the CIC, and I found myself face to face with Jeff Moreau.

"…Hey," Jeff greeted grumpily. There were bags under his eyes, and he looked a bit scruffier than usual. The pilot entered the elevator, leaning against the side of it.

"Hi," I mumbled back. The doors closed themselves quickly, and soon we found ourselves alone. In the elevator. I felt a familiar feeling of awkwardness and wanting to run like hell. "Grabbing some food or something?" I asked him after not even a minute of silence.

"We're in Citadel Space now, so it's safe enough for the Normandy to be on auto-pilot," Jeff shrugged. "So yeah, I'm taking the time to grab some food."

"Okay," I glanced to the side, rubbing my arm. Lucky for me, the ride down to the Crew Deck wasn't long at all, and as soon as the doors opened again I sped out, spotting Garrus talking to Mess Sergeant Gardner at the kitchen. "Hey guys!" I greeted loudly, jumping onto Garrus's back, hands clinging to the part of his armor that protected his carapace and peeking over his shoulder to look at Gardner, who chuckled at my antics and shook his head.

"Shortcake," Garrus greeted, voice rumbling with amusement. "I was just about to let Gardner know that Shepard wants to borrow the kitchen for a bit."

"Officer Kogan, good to see you," the chef nodded. "So Shepard wants to use the kitchen? Fine with me."

"Thanks," I grinned, letting go of Garrus and dropping to the floor. From the corner of my eye, I could see Joker watching the three of us with a sour expression.

… I guessed we were still in a spat.

"—While you guys use the kitchen, I'll take my break if that's all right," Gardner continued, Garrus nodding approvingly.

"I'll let Shepard know," the turian told the older man, who grinned at the two of us.

"Try not to make too much of a mess," the chef requested, beginning to walk away. "I'm holding you accountable if the kitchen's destroyed, Vakarian."

"Fine by me," Garrus called back, crossing his arms and leaning against the counter. "So, what did Shepard want to make?"

I shrugged my shoulders, heading over to the fridge and opening it up. "I'm just going to check out the ingredients and see what's possible for us to make first," I responded, inspecting the available ingredients. Sabrina made her arrival known, loudly greeting us from the elevator and practically skipping towards us. It was hard to tell that she'd even been upset at all.

"I want cookies!" the commander declared, slamming her hands down onto the kitchen counter and staring me down. "Got it, Officer Kogan?" Garrus was a bit surprised by her behavior, mandibles fluttering and eyes showing a hint of confusion. I, however, simply nodded my head and turned around to gather the ingredients. Lucky for me… we had them all.

Sugar (both kinds, white and brown), salt, baking soda, chocolate chips, and flour were in the cupboard. And the fridge had unsalted butter, eggs…

Everything that I used to use for chocolate chip cookies.

Arms crossed, I turned to look at Sabrina. "You planned this, didn't you? Everything I need to make chocolate chip cookies is here, and I know that chocolate chips aren't considered a high-grade provision."

Sabrina shrugged back at me, smiling brightly. "You did ask if we could grab ingredients for you to use. You never said that those ingredients couldn't be for cookies," she reasoned. Joker limped up from behind her, moving towards the fridge to get himself something to eat. "Joker! You're here too?" Sabrina's smile widened mischievously. "You should help us make cookies."

"I'm here for real food Commander," Joker replied, instantly shooting her down. "Not cookies."

Sabrina wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Cookies are real food, Joker," she argued. "They aren't imaginary."

Garrus let out a chuckle. "Come on Joker, what's the problem? Can't cook?"

"Actually, Garrus, cookies are under a different classification known as 'baking'," I piped up, placing the ingredients down on the counter and opening the cupboard to try and find a bowl and a mixer. "Some people can cook but not bake. Others can bake but not cook."

"Kim's one of the special few who can do both," Sabrina added, leaning against the other side of the counter. "But yeah, Joker, why don't you want to join in?"

"I never said I didn't want to," Jeff grumbled.

"Okay, then you're helping!" the commander decided, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Captain's orders. Kim, give Joker that bowl!"

Jeff let out a long sigh, and I awkwardly held the bowl I'd pulled out from the cupboard towards the pilot, giving him an apologetic look.

"Sorry Joker, it's an order," I smiled at him sheepishly. He stared at me with a blank expression on his face before taking it from me, closing the fridge door.

"…What else am I supposed to do?" Jeff muttered, using his free hand to adjust his hat.

Sabrina looked up thoughtfully before shrugging her shoulders. "Kim's taking lead now. If these cookies are ruined, it's going to be her fault."

"You're a horrible person," I sassed, crossing my arms and getting to work. I turned to Garrus first. "Okay, Garrus… You're on cleaning duty because Gardner doesn't want us to ruin his kitchen," I reasoned, glancing back at Sabrina. "Sabs… mix together half a cup of white sugar with a cup of brown sugar and… oh, a cup of butter."

"Got it," Garrus nodded, moving out of the way of the rest of us. "Just let me know when something needs to be done."

"Aw Kimmy, did you tell me to do the sugar because I'm so sweet?" Sabs teased, pinching my cheek. I snapped at her fingers with my teeth playfully, the commander pulling away and laughing.

I turned to face Jeff. "…Can you get the stand mixer set up and preheat the oven to 350?"

"Sure," the pilot shrugged, moving to do what I asked. While everyone did the jobs I'd assigned to them (minus Garrus, who idly chatted with Sabrina while she worked) I grabbed a couple of eggs and cracked them into Sabrina's bowl before dodging around Jeff and grabbing the flour.

"Two and one forth cups flour… a teaspoon salt and half a teaspoon baking soda," I muttered to myself, as efficient in the kitchen as I was with flying or helping Mordin. I used my free hand to pick up another bowl and add in my ingredients. "Sabs, you almost done with the sugar?"

"The sugars and the butter are mixed!" she announced proudly.

Then I remembered.

… I'd forgotten an ingredient.

"Hey Joker, could you look around for the vanilla extract?" I requested, taking Sabrina's sugar mixture and adding it to my flour mix. "And… Garrus, could you start putting away everything else? We're almost done with this."

Both of the boys accepted their duties, with Joker looking through the cupboards and Garrus picking up the packages of sugar to put them away.

"I'll help too," Sabrina told the turian, picking up the flour and then...

All of a sudden, basically my whole left side was covered in the white powder.

"Ah shit, I'm so sorry!" Sabrina apologized, a look of horror on her face. Luckily she hadn't dropped any more flour into the mixing bowl, which made me happy… but Jeff and Garrus took one look at my dusty appearance and broke out in chuckles.

"CP, you look like a mess," Jeff snickered, placing the tiny bottle of vanilla extract next to the mixing bowl while Sabrina scurried off to grab a dust pan. "Well, I guess it suits you."

My instinctive reaction to the pilot's comment was to pick up some flour from the floor and chuck it at his face. "Oops, I'm so sorry, I just thought you'd look better with some flour in your beard" I mocked with a cheeky grin on my face, giggling at him as he spat out flour that had gone into his mouth, staring down at me with a mix of surprise and mischief.

"Come on CP, do you really think I need to look any better?" he asked me seriously, resting a hand on the counter and watching my reaction with green eyes half-lidded, a teasing smirk on his lips. Ba-bump, ba-bump.

And then with his free hand, he tossed some more flour at my face.

"Oh, you're trouble," I laughed, reaching down and grabbing more flour, and proceeding to clap it against his chest. "Hah!"

"Not fair," Jeff complained. "If I did that to you, it'd be sexual assault. Oh, and Shepard would kick my brittle ass back to the Sol system."

"Which is why I just won," I told him with a wink. Jeff chuckled, placing a hand on the top of my head.

"Sure, you won. We'll see," he responded with a glint in his eyes. Garrus coughed from his corner of the kitchen, Sabrina dashing back with a dustpan and getting to work cleaning up her mess. She looked incredibly flustered, and I knelt down to help her out.

"I'm so sorry Kimmy," Sabrina told me again, I shook my head and smiled at her gently.

"It's not that big of a deal. Besides, we're cleaning it up," I shrugged, glancing up at Jeff. "Joker, can you add two teaspoons of vanilla to the cookie mix?"

Garrus moved over to us, the three of us huddled on the ground sweeping up the flour. It didn't take too long for us to clean up… But before all of it was dumped, I threw another handful at Jeff's back, giggling.

"I am going to get back at you, you know," Jeff reminded. I stuck my tongue out at him. "Just you wait."

"You can try, but you shall fail," I declared, standing up and moving to see the cookie dough. The colour was right, the texture looked right… "Okay, I'm going to just wash my hands, then we can add the chocolate chips and roll 'em out."

"So, what exactly is a cookie like? I've always wondered," Garrus piped up. Sabrina spun on her heel to face him, the flour all cleaned up, and gaped at the turian.

"… It's like, a sweet… dessert snack," the commander started to explain. "The ones we're making have chocolate, and most of the time they're eaten with milk… or with icecream in the middle like a sandwich. Don't turian's have something like it?"

Garrus shook his head, no, and I moved to pat his back.

"It's okay Garrus," I spoke somberly. "It's going to be alright. One day, I'll make dextro-friendly cookies for you, and life will be worth living again."

Sabrina let out a laugh, nuzzling me. "You're such a kidder. But yeah Garrus, we'll make you dextro cookies so that your life will be worth living."

Jeff snorted. "I highly doubt that cookies are that great."

"You've never tried these ones," Sabrina stated firmly. "Just you wait, Joker. Your life will be worth living too."

While the three of them chatted, I took the semi-sweet chocolate chips and started mixing them into the cookie dough. "Don't overhype my cookies Sabrina," I warned. "He's never going to let me live it down if they aren't amazing. Anyways, this is ready. Sabs, get me a cookie sheet. Joker, we just need to roll these out into little balls."

Sabrina placed the cookie sheet in front of me, and I rolled out a cookie to show everyone the size we were going for. "Aw, we're not using cookie cutters?"

"Nah, chocolate chip cookies are meant to be circles and nothing more," I declared. "So, let's roll these out and start baking."

Garrus leaned on the other side of the counter while Jeff, Sabs, and me placed the cookies onto the sheet. "It's been awhile since we've done anything like this."

"Last time you guys did this without me, don't forget," Sabrina scolded. I popped a small piece of cookie dough into my mouth.

"Last time was cooking. This time is baking," I reasoned. "Completely different. And Joker wasn't with us last time either. Ashley was."

Joker's eyes flashed with realization and he turned his head to look at Sabs. "Oh, Shepard, it's pretty crazy the people you can run into around here though, huh? I mean, it was probably a set up or something but it was still good see Kaidan, wasn't it?"

My stomach tightened, Garrus and I glancing at each other warily. Of all the times for Joker to bring something up…

Sabrina forced a grin onto her face. "Yeah, we talked. It was nice but things have changed. We… let it go."

The pilot let out a sigh of relief. "Oh good, because I was not looking forward to your mood if that went bad." My jaw clenched. Insensitive fuck- "There's a reason I don't date crew, Commander."

I coughed loudly, Garrus heading towards the fridge and pulling out an egg. "Hey Kim, did you need another one of these?" the turian questioned me. I nodded with a fire in my eyes, taking the egg and throwing it at Jeff's torso.

"Oops, sorry, accident," I apologized sarcastically, giving Jeff an angry look. He glared back at me, just as angry as I was.

"What the hell was that for CP?" he growled. Sabrina moved to stand in between us, a big grin on her face as she tried to salvage the situation.

"Come on you guys, we're all having fun here, right?" Sabrina laughed awkwardly. "Come on Kim, he didn't know… please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad," I huffed, taking the cookies and putting them into the oven. "This batch'll be done in nine to ten minutes."

"I was lying a bit, about Kaidan," Sabrina explained to the pilot softly. Joker's expression instantly turned apologetic, and he looked away from the commander's heartbroken face.

"Damn. Sorry Shep," Jeff apologized awkwardly, moving to the sink to try and wash out the yolk. Of course, because of the flour…

"Ah, Joker, you might want to just… change clothes," I stopped him quickly. "Flour plus water, you know? Sorry…"

Joker shrugged. "I'll get back at you eventually."

I pursed my lips. "Sure you will."

"You're going to wish that you never threw flour at me," Jeff told me, a challenge in his eyes.

"Hmm… doubt it," a small smile graced my lips, and I stepped away from him. It was weird how easily we got along… when we were fighting.

It was playful, of course. Natural… fun…

I'd almost forgotten that we'd been in an actual fight just a few days ago.

"Hey Commander, I'm going to head up to the cockpit," Jeff told the older woman, who grinned at him and nodded.

"Go get cleaned up! We'll bring you come cookies when they're ready," Sabrina waved him off. I stared after him for a moment while he limped away, just a little bit disappointed.

It was a lot easier being around him with Sabrina and Garrus there.

"You two are so cute together, even when you're picking fights," Sabrina sighed, patting my head. "And Garrus, if I ever catch you giving Kim things to throw at Joker… you're in trouble."

A rumble came from Garrus's throat as he chuckled. "Right, sorry Shepard."

The three of us talked for a bit more… and once the first batch of cookies were done Sabrina sent me away with them, saying that she and Garrus could take care of the rest.

So I headed up to the cockpit.

Seeing that Jeff wasn't there and with a small bag of cookies in hand, I turned to EDI. "Hey, where's Joker?" I inquired.

"Mr. Moreau was changing in the pilot's quarters," she told me. "He is decent now, if you need to speak with him."

Nodding, I opened the door to enter the other room and stepped inside. "Hey Joker-" I froze in place when I saw him.

He was basically naked from the waist up.

Jeff's head snapped up to look at me in surprise, his shirt only partially on. How was this decent?! Why would EDI tell me he was decent?! He was still changing! "What's up CP?" He asked me, pulling his egg covered shirt off and over his head. I turned on my heel and proceeded to exit the room, only for the doors to seal me inside before I could escape.

"EDI told me you were decent!" I exclaimed, completely flustered. "I didn't know you were still changing! Sorry!"

The pilot snickered at my reaction. "What, never seen a guy shirtless before? Guess you're still a virgin."

"Shut up!" I cried, mortified.

"You can watch me change, if you want," Jeff continued to tease. "I don't mind. We all know how good-looking I am."

"EDI can you open the door?" I begged.

"EDI, I don't want anyone else to peek on me while I'm changing," Jeff complained. I turned and gave him a withering glare that was severely weakened by my embarrassment.

" _Apologies, Miss Kogan,"_ EDI told me, voice sounding the slightest bit amused.

The pilot grinned at me. "This, CP, is my revenge."

I crossed my arms over my chest, taking care not to break the small bag of cookies, and glared at the wall while Jeff grabbed a clean shirt and finished changing. "Weird idea of revenge."

"Well, you're embarrassed and probably crying on the inside right now, so I think it worked," Jeff grinned at me cheekily. "Okay, it's safe to look now." I glanced over to him, seeing that his expression was now serious. "I think we need to talk again."


	13. Stealing Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for having to go to once a week updates guys. It's only been a few weeks of school, but I'm already dying. x(

Kasumi stood behind me, combing out my hair while I sat on the corner of the bed. We were in the pilot's quarters, getting ready for the heist. My makeup was already done, and now… Kasumi just needed to work on my hair. "You nervous?" the thief asked me.

And I was.

Today was the day of Donovan Hock's party. Jeff was flying the Normandy to Berkenstein's main port, where we'd take a skycar to travel the rest of the way. Sabrina and Kasumi were playing the roles of my body guards, and I was Alison Gunn.

Alison Gunn.

Personally, I still didn't understand why Kasumi thought I'd play the part best. When it came to stealth, she was obviously the best choice. If she needed a good distraction, Miranda would be able to draw all eyes away. She kept saying I had a good look about me…

But what did that even mean?

Sure, I'd matured a bit over the last two years. Long hair really helped me look more adult. Training with Garrus made me far more fit, but my face hadn't really changed. I still looked… cute. Almost childish. Nothing about me really seemed like the mercenary type.

Sabrina fit the mercenary image perfectly.

"I'm fine," I told Kasumi, outwardly calm. Sabrina soon entered the room with a curler in hand, already changed. She looked beautiful. Stunning. Her dress made her look even more attractive than she already was, showing off her curves, and her long hair was tied into a high ponytail…

She looked so mature, and perfect, and Kaidan totally lost the best thing that had ever happened to him.

…The dumb ass.

"Kimmy, looking good!" Sabrina grinned at me, handing Kasumi the curler. "Just a few more touches and then we'll ask Joker how you look."

"If his opinion is negative, we'll just put you in front of Kenneth," Kasumi shrugged. I rolled my eyes, Kasumi turning on the curler and bringing it to my hair.

"Come on Kasumi, we both know how Kenneth will react," Sabrina complained. "He drools over anything with boobs bigger than his."

"Which is every girl," the thief giggled.

"Even EDI has bigger boobs than him," I joked, cracking a small smile.

" _Miss Kogan, that is incorrect,"_ EDI stated. _"I do not have a physical body, therefor-"_

"It was a joke, EDI," I cut the AI off, letting out a small sigh. "Okay, am I almost done? I feel like I've been sitting here for hours."

"Just a few more curls," Kasumi told me cheerfully. "Your makeups already done, and your hair looks fantastic! You should wear it down more often."

I looked up thoughtfully. "…Nah. Long hair's hard enough to deal with on a daily basis, I'd rather keep it in a nice braid."

Sabrina pouted, taking a seat next to me. "What's the point of having long hair if you barely do anything with it?" she complained.

"It's so that when I do want to do something with it, it's there," I answered easily. "Besides, you have long hair too… and most of the time you keep it in a bun! Don't go bugging me about mine when you barely do anything with yours."

The commander stuck her tongue out at me. "…Fine," she grumbled. "Kasumi, be sure to take a lot of pictures of Kim today. I want memories of this to last forever. And blackmail if she does anything embarrassing."

"Thanks so much," I stated dryly. Kasumi let out a giggle and patted my shoulder.

"You're good now. Let's get you in front of a mirror," the thief announced, moving to the door. I stood up warily, my new black strapped heels still making me uncomfortable even after hours of practicing in the port observation with Kasumi. "You look stunning by the way. Exactly how I pictured Alison Gunn."

"It's moments like these when I realize just how much my baby grew up," Sabrina teased. "I never thought I'd see you wear heels. Or a dress. Or have long hair."

I gave the two of them a cold look. "It's for a mission. Don't expect this to happen again."

"Well, I guess if she was going to have a single Cinderella moment, at least we got to see it," Kasumi shrugged, the three of us exiting the room and entering the cockpit. Jeff sat in the pilot's seat, facing away from us with his eyes on his control panel. "Joker, mind giving us an opinion?" my new friend requested, causing Jeff to turn his seat to see.

…I felt a bit anxious all of a sudden, bringing a hand up to fix my bangs and toss my now loosely curled hair over my shoulder. My gaze strayed to the side, staring out one of the windows while Jeff scrutinized me. From the corner of my eye I could see Kasumi's lips turn upwards.

"Looks okay I guess," Jeff answered nonchalantly.

I turned to Sabrina, pointing a finger at the pilot. "See? This is the reason why I don't do this often. Because it doesn't even matter."

Sabrina shot Jeff a glare. "You're the reason why we can't have nice things like Kim getting all pretty. Come on, she looks okay? Just okay?!"

Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Well, she does look okay. Come on Shepard, Kim's… Kim. I'm not saying that she looks bad-"

"That's it, I'm showing her off to Kenneth," Sabrina huffed, taking my wrist and storming off.

"H-hey!" I yelped. "Sabs, I'm in heels! Don't go so fast!" I complained, the commander slowing down slightly so I wouldn't trip and fall. In a dress. In the middle of the CIC. I turned my head to stare at Kasumi, begging her to help me.

But she simply winked at me, a hand on her hip, turning to talk to Jeff.

…The traitor.

Sabrina urged me into the elevator, beaming at Kelly as we passed her. "Hey Kelly, could you ask Miranda to organize a pickup for us on Berkenstein in case we run into trouble? Thanks!"

Next thing I knew, she was pushing me in front of Donnelly, Gabby, and Kenn. I didn't feel awkward in front of them…

No, that was a lie. I did feel awkward, but only because Donnelly was a dog. I didn't care if Kenn or Gabby saw me like this.

Donnelly was looking me up and down, practically undressing me with his eyes. Gabby was giving him a dirty look, disgusted by how obviously he was checking me out while Kenn just continued working, shooting me shy glances. "Looking good, Officer Kogan," Kenneth complimented. "But what, pray tell, convinced you to dress so..." he glanced towards Gabby and gulped. "…attractively today?"

"Down boy," the female engineer grumbled, crossing her arms.

"I'm not doing anything wrong Gabs," Donnelly argued, before turning back to me with a charming grin. "You should wear green more often, Lass. It really brings out the color in your eyes."

I let out a sigh, giving the man a wary smile. "Thank you, Donnelly," I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest.

Sadly, the movement causing his eyes to roam over them before a loud cough from Gabby caused him to avert his gaze. I gave Sabrina an unimpressed look, mouthing the words 'I hate you', before moving to leave the room.

"Kimmy!" Sabrina cried. "I'm sorry! Please don't be mad!"

As we left together, I could hear Gabby scolding her friend. "Could you be any more obvious Kenneth? You shouldn't drool over Kim like that. Especially with the Commander there."

"Well, Shepard did ask me for my opinion, and I have to say… Cerberus uniforms hide too much of Officer Kogan's womanly figure."

"Note to self, only wear Cerberus uniforms around Kenneth," I called loudly over my shoulder.

Kenneth, hearing me, bellowed out a cheery laugh. "Come now, Kogan! You're denying countless men a beautiful sight!" he called after me.

"Good!" I shouted back with a grin.

I couldn't deny that I felt a bit cheerier now. I couldn't really take anything Kenneth said seriously, he was just a bit of a perv. Talking to him was funny… He kind of reminded me of some of the guys I'd hung around in flight school.

And while I didn't fully understand how Gabby handled his behavior on a daily basis, I had to admit that he was a harmless, generally pretty nice guy. If you overlooked his comments about females.

Not too long later, the ship had docked in Berkenstein. I followed after Kasumi, feeling more comfortable now that I had a gun hidden under my dress. And a knife. If I was going to be surrounded by bad people, I wanted to be able to stab someone in the neck if things went south.

Berkenstein was a really neat planet too. There were shops in the dock selling commercial items, luxury goods…

But everything was insanely expensive.

"Enjoying the scenery, Ms. Gunn?" Kasumi inquired, and I shrugged.

"Not as nice as I would have expected," I responded with a sigh. "I'd prefer shopping on Omega."

…At least on Omega it would be cheaper. And I felt just as unsafe on Berkenstein as I did on Omega, so I'd at least want to be able to afford things if I was going to be surrounded by thugs. But then, Kenn was on Omega before…

"We'll be sure to escort you there next," Sabrina assured, beaming at me.

Sabrina's cover was simple. Her name was Jade, she was my second in command. And just because of that, Hock wouldn't care about her all that much. She could just act however she wanted. And if anyone realized that she was Sabrina Shepard, my cover held the excuse.

Alison Gunn strongly admired the first human Spectre. Hence why her second in command was a look alike, and it also explained why she was giving Donovan a statue of Saren of all things.

How Kasumi managed to find a statue of him, I'd never know. Mostly because I really, really did not want to ask her.

And damn it, I had to stop thinking about Alison in the third person. Right now she was me, I was her.

I was Alison Gunn.

Placing a hand on my hip and giving Jade a bored look, I shook my head. "Let's just head to this party and get it over with. Maybe there'll be interesting enough people there that I won't find it a waste of time."

"I've heard that Mr. Hock is quite excited to meet you, Miss Gunn," Kasumi, no, Echo told me. That was her cover. Again, not nearly as well thought out as mine. She was basically my equivalent of a secretary. Also a mercenary, but more often than not helping me out in the background with social visits such as this one. "Please, do try your hardest to play nice."

"If I must," I drawled, following the taller woman towards the skycar rentals. Donovan had arranged for our transport to his party, so there was a skycar already ready and waiting for us. The three of us stepped into it, and while Kasumi set the car on autopilot I silently tapped on my omni-tool to check for bugs. "Okay, we're clear," I announced, dropping the act and relaxing into my seat.

"Why'd you get all in character at the docks, Kim?" Sabrina inquired, curious. "You too Kasumi."

"We figured it would be better to be safe than sorry," Kasumi shrugged innocently. "Berkenstein can be just as shady as Omega, Shep. If Hock has someone watching the docks, we're already going to be under a little bit of suspicion for coming out of a Cerberus ship. But then, considering that it has the name 'Normandy' plastered on its side, we can always attribute that to Miss Gunn's slightly weird obsession with all things Shepard."

I clicked my tongue, giving Kasumi a disapproving look at the words 'weird obsession'. "Even mercenary leaders need to have an escape. Mine is old music. Alison's is Shepard memorabilia. No judgements."

"You've seen where I sleep, Kim," Kasumi giggled. "Pieces of art, real books… I'm not making any judgements. We all have our escapes."

"Okay, good," I nodded approvingly, turning my head to look at Sabrina. She and Kasumi were sitting in the front, while I had to backseat all to myself. "Kasumi told me to just be myself at the party. Of course, by that she meant act the way I initially acted with her. You have far more leeway, so enjoy it Sabs."

I hoped she enjoyed the party, at least. She was still kind of… off, since we'd run into Kaidan and that was about two days ago. Unless she was in the mess hall with me, she was up in her room. And I got it, I understood why.

Sabrina was heartbroken.

For her, she'd just… woken up. For her it was like she'd just woken up from a nightmare. And it was like nothing had changed, except the universe kept moving while she was gone. To her, she and Kaidan had only been separated for a few weeks.

Then when she saw him, he'd already moved on.

I couldn't truly understand how she felt, but I could at least understand why she was heartbroken.

It was because Kaidan was a heartless bastard.

"I'll try," Sabrina told me, giving me a firm nod. "I mean, there is an open bar, right?"

"Don't get too drunk Shep," Kasumi warned. "We pull off this heist, and I'll mix the two of you as many drinks as you want at the Normandy's bar."

Sabrina's head snapped towards Kasumi. "I'm holding you to that."

While the two of them talked, Kasumi telling Sabrina was the plan was… I stared out the window, watching the landscape fly by.

" _I think we need to talk again."_

My whole body tensed, my jaw clamping shut. No, I didn't want to think about that. I could think about it more when I was alone, not here with Sabrina and Kasumi here.

Unless…

Maybe they could help me. The other day Jeff brought up a lot of things and I just didn't know what to do. We needed to really sit down and talk things through, I knew that, but talking to him alone…

"Guys, I, um… I have a question," I piped up, feeling incredibly awkward. They would be able to help me though, I'd bet.

Sabrina turned around, a curious glint in her dark eyes. "What's up?"

I opened my mouth to speak. That's when Donovan Hock's residence came into view, Kasumi letting out a sigh. "Sorry Kim, looks like we're almost there. Can it wait?"

"Yeah, it's not mission related or anything," I nodded, rubbing the back of my head. "It can wait."

Sabrina clapped her hands against the sides of her face. "Oh my god, is it Joker related? Have you finally realized that you're perfect together?!" Kasumi giggled at Sabrina's assumption, and I gave her an annoyed glare. "Do you need love advice? He did say that he doesn't date crew, but I'm sure we can work around that."

"Why that was the first thing you thought of, I will never understand," I scoffed. "Yes, its Joker related. But I don't need love advice. The only reason I'd need love advice is if I was in love. Which I'm not."

The skycar's door opened before Sabrina could even attempt to argue with me, and she exited first, offering her hand. "Miss Gunn?"

"Thank you," I sighed, taking her hand and exiting the car. I looked up at the statue of Saren, already delivered and waiting outside of Hock's estate. A guard was scanning it and not getting any readings.

"Hold a moment, there," the guard warned, his omni-tool not reading anything. "There seems to be an issue with the statue."

A man walked down the staircase towards us, his dark hair and dark skin contrasting with his white suit. As he approached I felt a bit… unpleasant. Instantly I was able to tell that he was not a good person. But he was handsome enough, I'd give him that. His hair and his beard were neatly trimmed, his eyes showing… danger. He was dangerous. "Is there a problem here?" he questioned the guard.

A small spark of nervousness appeared on the other man's face. "No, Mr. Hock. Just doing a scan," the guard responded.

Donovan's gaze met mine, and he smiled at me coldly. "I don't believe we've met. Donovan Hock," he greeted curtly, moving his hands behind his back. I matched his expression and nodded.

"Alison Gunn. A pleasure to meet you," I responded with a small smile. The host looked me up and down, and I felt a bit… uneasy. Like a piece of meat on a stick… or was it a hook?

Well, regardless, I didn't like it.

Luckily the security guard caught Donovan's attention, momentarily taking it off of me. "Sir? The scanners aren't picking anything up."

By instinct I scoffed. "Check it again. I suppose I was wrong to assume that your staff would have working equipment," I commented, an unimpressed look on my face. Sabrina tried and failed to hide the smile that appeared on her lips, while Kasumi just outright giggled. Of course, I was the only one who would openly insult someone I'd just met. That was one thing that hadn't changed.

My comment caused Donovan to chuckle. It was rough, and dark. "I don't think our guests would come all the way here from Illium just to cause trouble," the man glanced over at the guard, who rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Do you?"

"N-no sir," the guard stuttered, Donovan shaking his head and stepping closer to me.

"You may pass through, Miss Gunn. You were invited after all," he looked over Sabrina and Kasumi. "But I will ask your… companion to remain outside," the man gestured at Kasumi. "You understand, I hope."

"I suppose that Echo isn't as nearly well dressed as the rest of us," I mused, tilting my head towards Sabrina. "By the way, this is Jade. My second in command."

Donovan nodded towards Sabrina, looking a bit bored with her. "Good to meet you," he glanced back at me. "Enjoy the party."

"I'll try," I shrugged, the host turning and leaving the three of us outside. "Well Echo, let's talk for a bit before we head inside."

Kasumi nodded, leading Sabrina and I off to the side. "Well, that didn't go as I expected."

"Things rarely do," Sabrina sighed.

"And, Miss Gunn," Kasumi glanced around carefully. "Do try to keep your insults to a minimum. I know you have difficulty sometimes, but…"

"Mr. Hock didn't seem to mind," Sabrina reasoned. "In fact, I think he might have been pleasantly surprised by her 'I don't give a shit how dangerous you are' attitude."

"True," Kasumi smiled. "Okay, just proceed as normal then. I'll stay out of sight and stick with you as best I can."

"Keep in radio contact," I ordered. Sabrina giggled a bit.

"It's always nice to see you take charge," Sabrina told me honestly.

I grinned back at her sheepishly. "I am a mercenary leader."

With that, Sabrina and I began walking up the entry stairs and into the main hall, Kasumi turning on her cloak and disappearing from sight. _"We need to find the door and case the security. We'll figure out the next step then."_

"Jade," I spoke calmly, glancing towards Sabrina. "Any thoughts?"

"Really nice place," Sabrina nodding approvingly. "Maybe I'll have a place like this one day."

I snickered. "You'll need more bedrooms, I'd think. Enough for the crew."

"None of us would ever sleep," the commander giggled, the two of us heading towards the staircase. Most people glanced over towards the two of us, curious as to who we were. My cold looks caused them to avert their gazes.

"…Am I really that intimidating?" I muttered, glancing up at Sabrina. The older woman looked up thoughtfully before nodding.

"Yes. Because tiny people like you are twice as vicious," she declared.

I cracked a smile. "Very funny."

"I'm being completely serious," Sabrina teased, the two of us walking down a staircase. I could feel Kasumi's presence next to me now, and let out a small laugh when Sabrina jumped at the thief's reappearance. "Kasumi!"

"Vault should be around here," Kasumi told us, and I felt the wall up until I hit a panel to reveal the vault door. The statue of Saren had already been moved, and was standing against the wall just outside of the vault.

Kasumi whistled. "Very nice… there's more here than I expected," she commented, the two of us inspecting the vault's security while Sabrina looked over the statue of Saren. "Password protected voice lock. Kinetic barrier. DNA scanner… Looks like an EX seven hundred series."

"It's crazy how you know all that," I coughed.

"Please, remember who you're talking to," the thief smirked. "We'll need to get a voice sample for the voice lock. That'll be your job, Kim," Kasumi told me. "Hock's interested in you so chatting him up shouldn't be too hard. We'll need to find out the password too."

"I think I spotted a locked door on the way here," Sabrina piped up. "Considering its location it probably leads to a security room."

"Security room means guards," I noted. "Kasumi, I'd like to sneak past them if possible. I can be a distraction, pretend I'm lost or something while you see if there's a password in there."

The thief agreed with me without hesitation. "Sounds like a good plan. Shep, you're in charge of finding the DNA. I'll do the rest."

All of us nodded, determination written over all of our faces.

Then we got to work.

The first thing I did was go to the security room. The lock wasn't too hard to get through, and since Sabrina went to try and find a way into Hock's personal quarters I was alone (with a hidden Kasumi nearby, I was certain. As soon as the guards saw me all stood up, facing me with suspicion and annoyance. "You can't be back here," one of them told me. I smiled at them shyly, rubbing my arm.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," I apologized. "I just got a bit lost. The door was unlocked, so I thought that maybe it led to a restroom or something. Could I get some help, please?"

As I spoke to them, I could see Kasumi appear and sneak around the desks. She glanced over a datapad, silently tapping on her omni-tool to gather information. The guards all looked at each other, looking a bit confused. "Damn it. I bet it was Bellerose again, he never remembers to lock that door." One of the guards grumbled. The other one simply shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me. Kasumi disappeared again, and I hoped she'd gotten enough time to find what we needed.

"Alright Miss, I'll show you to the restrooms," the kinder guard politely smiled, leading me out of the security room.

" _Good job Kim. I got the password and a little something else. Going to help Sabrina for a bit, so enjoy the party,"_ Kasumi told me through my earpiece. I eyed the guard, who smiled down at me as he led me along.

"Here you go miss," he told me with a nod, and I beamed up at him.

"Thank you so much," I responded, pushing through the restroom door and entering. The first thing I spotted was myself in the mirror.

I didn't really look like… me, anymore. The makeup made me actually look my age, and my hair was styled nicely, the loose curls really did look beautiful. It's not like the look didn't suit me, I could see that it did.

But it wasn't me.

My hair should be braided, my face should be makeup free. This was wrong.

With a sigh, I shook my head and decided to head back out, try to enjoy the party for a bit until Kasumi came back. Now at the party, some people were dancing, others were laughing and chatting. I could spot Donovan chatting with a few men by the bar. We still needed to get a voice sample from him.

For some reason I was the one that had to get that.

Brushing my bangs out of my eyes, I looked around. Admittedly, I was a bit bored. I felt out of place, especially since I didn't have Sabrina with me. Lost in my thoughts, I crossed my arms and leaned against a nearby wall. I couldn't get a drink, not on a mission…

Hmm, maybe alcohol would make it easier for me to talk to Jeff. Hell, I couldn't even call him by his first name anymore. No wonder he felt like I wasn't even trying to fix things between us. I got mad at him, I got snippy and rude and I guess… I had avoided him, over such a little thing too. But then, he hadn't really tried to talk to me until EDI locked us in the pilot's quarters together.

Images flashed through my mind. A victorious smirk, a teasing glint in his green eyes. _"We all know how good-looking I am."_

Unlike me, he was a lot better at teasing me when it was just one on one. I was only good at teasing him around other people. I really did need to work on that, work on getting better with him. Maybe when I got back to the Normandy… we'd talk.

"Miss Gunn?" Snapping back to reality, I turned my head to smile at whoever had called me. It was the host, of course, watching me with calculating eyes.

"Yes, Mr. Hock?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Donovan let out a dark laugh, shaking his head. "Please, call me Donovan. Where's your second-in-command, if you don't mind me asking."

"I assume that she wandered off to find a drink that suits her taste," I answered with a shrug. "Sadly, that left me all alone. Can't say I enjoy it very much."

"Perhaps you'd humor me for a dance, then," the man offered me his hand, and I took it with a bit of hesitation. "It would give us an opportunity to get to know each other."

"I don't dance too often," I explained a bit awkwardly. "So I apologize ahead of time, just in case I step on your toes."

Donovan simply smiled, leading me to the dancefloor. "So, Miss Gunn, what was your first impression of Berkenstein?"

"Personally I prefer Omega," I admitted to the older man sheepishly. "The prices of things here are far too inflated."

"I'd assumed that sort of thing wouldn't be that big deal to a woman like you," Donovan noted. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, the next song starting. The older man led me effortlessly on the dancefloor, with fluid, practiced movements. "Although so far you've been the opposite of what I'd expected."

I grinned up at him. "Should I feel complimented or insulted?"

"Complimented," Hock assured. "Not many people are brave or foolish enough to insult me."

"It's a talent of mine," I joked, Donovan spinning me around. I was surprised by how well he was leading me. "Hence why I brought Jade along. She's far better at talking than I am."

Which was true. Sabrina had no trouble talking to people. I was the one who could barely talk to my previous best friend.

"You're not doing too badly," my dance partner stated. "As a continuation of my first question, what do you think about my estate?"

"The paintings are beautiful," I told him earnestly. "As is the view. And I suppose the music you've been playing hasn't been nearly as bad as the clubs I've gone too," I averted my gaze shyly. "…I'd recommend music with actual lyrics. Early twenty-first century music was my personal favorite. I feel like people were more creative back then. Actually put more feeling into their work."

"I'm inclined to agree," Donovan approved. "People these days want comfort, entertainment, love. They don't see that the galaxy is fragile. They only have to worry about simple luxuries. Why? Because people like me and you are doing the terrible things that keep the galaxy spinning. It's a shame, though, that art suffers for it."

"We still have those few good artists," I reasoned. "Sadly, none of them are singers."

The rest of our dance was filled with little tidbits of conversation, though pleasant enough, I had decided that formal dancing really wasn't for me. Donovan was a great dancer, good at leading, tall, and dancing with him felt strangely natural.

But something itched at the back of my mind. Like I'd rather be dancing with someone that struggled with the movements just as much as me.

Eventually the song ended, and I spotted Sabrina waiting for me nearby. "Thank you for the dance, Miss Gunn," Donovan nodded down at me, taking my hand and bringing it to his lips. "Lovely chatting with you."

"And you, as well," I agreed, tilting my head towards Sabrina. "Looks like my companion is back. Hopefully we'll get the chance to talk again later."

Of course, we did. But the next time we spoke, Kasumi, Sabrina and I were in his vault. I wasn't in my formal wear anymore, now I was clad in armor; my hair tied up neatly. Now, I felt more comfortable.

And then Sabrina blasted one of his statues to smithereens.

Personally, I didn't feel that happy about Sabrina ruining a piece of art. But then she handed me the SMG she'd picked up earlier (it was used to kill two presidents!) so I felt a bit more inclined to forgive her for destroying a priceless statue.

Most importantly, Kasumi got what she wanted. Keiji's graybox.

The escape for the three of us was… a bit difficult. I stayed back to snipe, using my new presidential killing gun to shoot enemies that got too close while Sabrina threw mercenaries around with her biotics. Kasumi was joyfully stabbing enemies in the neck, getting up close and personal. And once we'd finally reached the outside… Donovan was there.

Flying a gunship.

Now, the last time Sabrina and I had faced a gunship… wasn't that great. In fact, it ended with Garrus bleeding out on the floor in front of us. So of course… we weren't happy.

Kasumi was quick to cheer us up though. By making it explode.

With Donovan in it.

And I didn't feel bad about that at all.

What I did feel bad about though, was Keiji's last words. He wanted Kasumi to delete the memories to keep her safe. Honestly, I didn't know what the best decision was. Keep the memories and have Kasumi be in danger for the rest of her life, or destroy them and lose the only thing she had of Keiji's.

If I was in Kasumi's place, assuming that the memories were of Sabrina, Garrus, Jeff… Any of my memories from the old Normandy, I'd want to keep them with me forever. With a graybox, I'd essentially be able to relive all those happy memories whenever I wanted.

Losing the ability to do that?

I wouldn't choose to destroy it.

But Keiji… it was his last wish.

Sabrina wanted her to destroy the data. And luckily, since Sabrina wasn't that great with technology, she didn't notice that Kasumi didn't really wipe it.

I'd never tell anyone that Kasumi didn't destroy it. Because, well…

In her shoes, given that choice, I'd still keep the memories.

Hours later, when my armor and weapons (and formal wear. Because Sabrina was sure to make sure it wasn't left behind) were neatly tucked away, and my face was clear of makeup, I sat with Jeff in the cockpit. I felt more comfortable,

"You know, CP, I think you look better without all the junk Kasumi and Sabrina forced on you," the pilot announced, turning his head to look at me sheepishly.

"Don't let them know that," I smirked, combing through my bangs with my fingers. "But… thanks, Jeff."

I didn't miss the shock in his eyes at my use of his name, or the embarrassment that appeared on his face when I grinned at his expression. "You're welcome," he coughed out, returning his gaze to the stars. I cheerfully jumped out of my seat, practically skipping towards him. I stood beside him, and the pilot glanced back at me curiously. "What's up, CP?"

Biting my thumb, I inspected Jeff closely. His beard was scruffy, his hair poking out messily from under his hat. He seemed a bit uneasy by my closeness, but not uncomfortable. "Just trying to see your attractiveness," I quipped.

Jeff smirked at me, raising an eyebrow. "Geez CP, what happened to you at that party? You haven't acted this way with me since-" he cut himself off, jaw clamping shut.

Since Sabrina died.

"I was doing some thinking," I mumbled, averting my gaze and stepping back. "Well, a lot of thinking. And I guess I just… want to be better with you," I struggled to get the words out, my face heating up more with each word. "I'm sorry for running off last time, when you were trying to talk to me. And you were right, I am trying to be friendlier with everyone else."

"CP, you know I don't care that you're making other friends," Jeff cut in. "I don't want you to think that-"

" _Actually, Miss Kogan,"_ EDI interrupted. _"Mr Moreau was quite upset by the amount of time you'd been spending with Kenn and Professor Solus."_

Annoyed, Jeff slammed his hand on the mute button. "No I wasn't," he denied. "Well, okay. Maybe a bit. Not the hanging out with Mordin bit though," the pilot explained to me seriously. "I'm fine with Mordin."

I fought the giggle that wanted to erupt from my throat at his reaction to EDI's comment. "God, you're so in love with me," I teased, poking his arm. "When EDI's unmuted, I'm going to confirm this. Anyways, I get it. I wasn't flying with you but I was willing to fly with Kenn. Don't worry, I'll spend more time with you in the cockpit now to keep your jealousy at bay."

"I wasn't jealous," Jeff grumbled. I giggled at his reaction, then a spark of realization appeared in his eyes. Swiftly, he turned the tables on me, leaning in just a bit closer with a smirk on his lips. "Also, you're the one that had the funniest reaction to seeing me shirtless. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were the one that's in love with me."

His mention of that embarrassing moment caused my face to burn redder than a tomato. "Just because I'm awkward in situations like that, it doesn't mean that I'm in love with you!" I denied frantically.

His smirk turned into a wicked grin. "You know, maybe I'll ask EDI her opinion when she's unmuted."

"Maybe I'll ask her about your extranet bookmarks," I countered.

Both of us stared at each other, feeling equally awkward and embarrassed for a good minute.

"In all seriousness though," I spoke up, voice soft. "…I've missed you."

Jeff's green eyes softened. "I've missed you too."


	14. The Justicar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I'm so sorry everyone who's still reading for the late posts. School's really been kicking my ass. Today my art teacher assigned us 68 drawings due next Tuesday. That'll be at least 3 hours of my life. Posting today instead of tomorrow because I feel so guilty for making you wait. If anyone still reads this.  
> Chapter 15 is almost done and I'm hoping to start on 16 (Which will likely be a shorter chapter because Miranda loyalty). Sorry again, peeps. Hope to hear from some of you soon.

~*~

Sabrina walked ahead of Garrus and I, and even though we were going to see Liara again for the first time in years, I was kind of distracted by all the shops. So many shops.

At reasonable prices.

Far less shady than Omega or Berkenstein too, at least visually. Everyone knew better than to sign something on Illium. And these shops…!

"Shortcake, try to stay focused," Garrus chuckled, placing an armored talon on the top of my head to bring my attention back to him and Sabrina.

Sabrina spun around the grin at the turian. "Come on Garrus, I haven't seen Kim act like this for a while. Have you? Let's just enjoy it."

Garrus inspected me, mandibles fluttering slightly. "You're right, it has been awhile since I've seen her like this."

"Like what?" I grumbled, scowling at the two of them. The commander giggled, taking a step towards me and nuzzling the top of my head. "Sabs! Tell me!" I whined, pouting up at the older woman.

"It's like your childish personality is coming back a little bit, it's cute!" Sabrina gushed. "Why did this happen? Did something happen?"

"Nothing happened," I denied, shrugged her off of me and taking a few steps away from her. "I've just been feeling a bit happier lately, that's all."

Sabrina smiled brightly at me, and I could see Garrus's eyes shine cheerfully. "I'm glad," the turian approved. "Whatever the reason is, I'm just happy that you're happy."

EDI's voice rang over our earpieces. _"My data suspects that the cause of Miss Kogan's positive mood change stems from her and Mr Moreau-"_

A look of horror appeared on my face and I quickly cut the AI off. "EDI, personal matters. Stop being a blabbermouth!"

My sister let out a squeal of delight, "Something happened! Tell me Kimmy!"

"We just talked, that's it!" I stated, heart hammering in my chest. "And hey, other good things have happened! I mean, we're about to see Liara again and we were incredibly successful on that heist with Kasumi! Maybe those reasons are why I've been feeling happier! Jeez!"

"You're using Liara as a reason you're happier? Remember the days when you couldn't stand her?" the turian teased. I pouted and huffed, giving him a dirty look. Garrus let out a chuckle, giving me a knowing look. Everyone always gave me that look when the topic was Jeff related, and I just could not understand why. It was like everyone knew something that I didn't, and it wasn't fair.

"Garrus, quit looking at me like that!" I growled, stomping ahead of the two and heading up a staircase. I spotted an asari sitting at a desk, she stood up at the sight of me.

"Officer Kogan, Officer Vakarian," the purple skinned alien greeted with a kind smile. "And Commander Shepard. Liara will be pleased to see you all. My name is Nyxeris. I'm Liara's assistant."

"Didn't think Liara would have a secretary now," I muttered to Garrus. "Isn't she like, still a kid in asari years?"

"Well, yes," Garrus confirmed. "But she still has at least seven decades on the rest of us."

Sabrina smiled at Nyxeris and ignored our background banter. "Why does Liara need an assistant?"

"She relies on me to inquire useful intelligence," the asari explained. "I don't have her network of contacts, but I supply her with supplemental data," Nyxeris's eyes sparkled. "It's really an honor to work with her."

"Can we go in and see her now?" I inquired. The purple asari nodded and stepped past us.

"Thanks," Sabrina grinned, Liara's assistant activating the door and leading us inside of Liara's office. And right in the middle of a conversation.

"Have you faced an Asari Commando unit before?" Liara asked a human male over holo-chat. Her voice was dark, threatening. "Few humans have." The young asari looked down at her datapad, expression unreadable. "I'll make it simple. Either you pay me, or I flay you alive. With my mind."

Well.

Now I knew how Sabrina felt when she watched me kill those batarians on Omega.

Sabrina let out an awkward cough and Liara instantly closed the call, turning around with bright eyes and an ecstatic expression. "Shepard!" she exclaimed, turning to look at Nyxeris. "Nyxeris, hold my calls," Liara requested politely. As the other asari left, Liara walked towards Sabrina with open arms, the two of them hugging. "Ah, Sabrina… My sources said you were alive, but I never believed… It's very good to see you."

I let out a loud, slightly irritated cough and Liara instantly released my sister. "Hey Liara, it's nice to see you too," I mocked. Sabrina shot me a disapproving look, and Garrus fought back a laugh. I crossed my arms and gave the asari an unimpressed look.

Liara blushed a bit, awkwardness practically pouring out of her. "O-oh. Kim, Garrus. It's good to see you too," she greeted, slightly embarrassed.

"Always nice to see a friendly face," Garrus affirmed, standing back with me. "So, sources huh?"

"I have a few," Liara smiled at the turian. "Sources, contacts, even a little hired muscle. I've been working as an information broker."

"I never would have pegged you for that kind of work," Sabrina commented, still cheery. The asari turned away from us, looking out the window that overlooked some of the stores.

"It's paid the bills since you…" Liara started, her sentence trailing off. But we all knew what she wanted to say.

It's paid the bills since you died.

Liara shrugged her shoulders, and I felt the mood darken a bit. "Well, for the past few years," she recovered, turning to face us again. "And now you're back, gunning for the Collectors with Cerberus."

I clicked my tongue, smirking. "Good sources," I quipped.

Sabrina raised an eyebrow at the asari, ignoring my aside. "That's not exactly public knowledge."

"Neither is you being alive, Shepard," Liara reasoned. "Information is my business now."

Garrus and I glanced at each other, having similar thoughts. Maybe Liara would know more about some of the people we were picking up.

And thankfully, Sabrina had similar thoughts.

"Would you by any chance have any information on an asari named Samara, or someone called Thane Krios?" Sabrina inquired, a familiar glint of curiosity in her eyes.

I watched Liara's eyes, and I could practically see her work out the information in her head. "Samara… Yes. She arrived recently and registered with Tracking Officer Dara," the young asari told us confidently. "You can find Dara at the transportation hub."

My eyebrows scrunched slightly. "Is she a convict or something? Not that it matters, considering the fact that we're working with a terrorist organization."

Liara sent a small smile my way. "She's not a criminal… quite the opposite in fact. Samara is a justicar, one of an ancient sect of asari warriors."

My brain translated that to being like the asari version of a samurai. "That's so cool," I gaped, glancing up at Garrus excitedly.

"Aw, Kimmy's being so cute," Sabrina gushed for a moment, before returning her attention to Liara. "And what about Thane?"

Liara's expression turned serious, and she looked very deep in thought. "I'll have to get back to you on that one, but I'm certain it won't take me too long to track him down."

Sabrina nodded understandingly. "We'll go pick up Samara for now, then."

"Of course," Liara approved, walking towards the door to see us out. "I'll send word to you as soon as I get any more information. Till then, be safe Shepard."

I pursed my lips.

"We'll be safe too," Garrus teased the asari, saving me the need to bring it up. The asari glanced down awkwardly.

"Right, apologies," Liara coughed. "Good luck, all of you."

Some things never changed.

Sadly one of the few things that hadn't changed for Liara was her obvious crush and favoritism towards Sabrina.

The three of us smiled and nodded at Nyxeris as we passed her, heading back down the stairs and towards the transportation hub. "You know, I never asked how that mission with Kasumi went," Garrus noted. Sabrina let out an amused laugh and turned her head to grin at him, playful.

"Funny story, I actually got hit on during the mission," Sabrina boasted. My eyes widened and I grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks.

"Who did it, what did they say, and should I tell Liara?" I questioned the older woman seriously. The commander placed an armored hand on my head, ruffling my hair.

"Don't torment Liara. And it made me smile Kimmy. At the party this girl strolled right up to me and asked for the time," Sabrina told me, grinning. Garrus tilted his head to the side, puzzled.

"No offense Shepard, but I don't understand why that made you smile," Garrus cut in. Sabrina's gaze snapped to him and she shook her head.

"No, no. I'm saying it wrong… She said 'Can I ask you for the time? I'd check my Omni-Tool but I've been watching you all night'," Sabrina explained. I couldn't help but smile at the line. It was cute.

But Garrus still didn't really get it.

"Humans have odd ways of trying to pick people up" Garrus commented, the three of us continuing on our way.

"They're not odd," I defended. "And well, lines like that aren't really meant for picking people up. They're usually just to smile and laugh at, strike up a conversation… you know? But if I heard that line I'd probably shoot them down."

Sabrina pouted. "Kimmy, you're just too picky. It's why you don't have a boyfriend."

As much as I wanted to point out that she didn't have one either, I wasn't that cruel. Besides, who wanted to get into a relationship right before a suicide mission anyways?

"You're right, no wonder I'm single," I sighed dramatically. "I'm just waiting for the right person to come along. Alas, we're going on a suicide mission so I'll probably never meet them."

The commander's expression turned serious, and she reached out to grab my hand, staring me in the eyes. "In the end, you'll always have Tali."

I nodded. "You're right. Tali is all the right person I'll ever need."

The two of us erupted into a small fit of giggles, openly showing our sisterly affection towards one another as we arrived at the transportation hub. I stood back with Garrus while Sabrina chatted to the officers. We eventually got a rapid transit skycar. Of which Garrus flew.

Mostly because I didn't like flying in armor, and there was no way we were going to let Sabrina fly. Not a chance in hell.

Then again, considering how many times Sabrina dragged us to hell and back…

Nope, still not a chance.

Samara, the Justicar, was apparently located at the Commercial Spaceport. Once we arrived there, we quickly realized that there were quite a few problems happening. Sabrina was eager to help, of course. Not that Garrus and I weren't but…

"I'll go call the Normandy and let them know that this might take longer than expected," I announced. Sabrina nodded approvingly, heading inside of the police station with Garrus to get some more information from Officer Anaya. Glancing around to make sure that there were no murderers lurking in the shadows around me, I tapped on my earpiece to activate it. "Kim to the Normandy, come in."

I winced as a loud buzzing sound came over my earpiece. _"Whoops, sorry about that CP,"_ Jeff apologized sheepishly. _"What's up? You guys find the Justicar or whatever?"_

"Ah, not yet," I replied awkwardly.

" _Should be nice to have another Asari around. Maybe this time you won't destroy any chance of a working relationship with them before I can get to know her,"_ the pilot teased.

I pursed my lips, instantly assuming that his desire to get to know an asari was the same way of which Kenneth would want to get to know any woman's naked body. "Wow. I'll be sure to ruin it right away then," I stated dryly, smiling a bit when I heard the man let out a loud groan, annoyed.

" _No offense CP, but sometimes you make it difficult to be friends,"_ Jeff joked. _"But fine. Guess I'll never get close enough with an asari to find out whether their hair tentacles move or not."_ A laugh escaped my throat and I quickly raised a hand to stifle it.

"You know, if you really want to know you could just try to befriend her regardless of how I react to them," I noted. In my head I could imagine Jeff shrugging his shoulders.

" _Nah. You'd intimidate them too much,"_ he reasoned. _"Besides, you'd probably get jealous."_

"Would not," I shot back. "Anyways, just wanted to let you guys know that we might take a while with getting the Justicar. I'll update you if anything else happens."

" _Sure, sure. Don't mind me. I'll just sit here. In the ship. With no one but the AI for company,"_ Jeff sighed.

I glanced around, checking the shadows once more. "Well, if you want I can ask Sabs if once we're done here we can check out the shops or something."

" _Just don't invite Kasumi. I don't want to sit through another shopping spree,"_ the pilot groaned. I couldn't help but make a gagging noise over the comm.

"No, the memories make me sick," I cried. "Never again! Do you know what it was like being the victim of all those dresses?"

" _Lucky for me I haven't been dress shopping for myself,"_ Jeff told me seriously. I could hear another voice from his end, but couldn't quite make it out. _"…Damn it Kasumi! Creepy!"_

Glancing up, I could see Sabrina and Garrus exiting the police station. "Oh, sorry Joker got to go now," I rushed, shutting off my earpiece and approaching the commander.

"I thought you were just going to update them," Sabrina mused, giving me an impish look. "What took you?"

"We got distracted," I shrugged. "So, what's going on with the Justicar?"

Sabrina gestured towards the police tape, and I followed after her as she led the way. "Apparently the Asari we're looking for is taking down some mercenaries."

I raised an eyebrow at Garrus. "Is this going to be a running trend? I mean, on Omega we were taking down mercenaries… Now we're on Illium taking down mercenaries…" I drawled, the three of us passing through the police tape.

"Oh I'm sorry Kimmy, do you want me to mix up the kinds of enemies we face?" Sabrina sassed, pulling out her gun and aiming.

"It would be nice," I admitted. It had been awhile since I'd shot a Geth. And I hadn't been topside when Sabrina and Garrus got to shoot up Collectors.

A mercenary let out a shout when she spotted us, and I aimed my sniper rifle at her and shot her through the shoulder, Garrus getting her through the head while Sabrina darted forward; glowing with biotic power. Once they fell, we continued on our way. Eventually we came through a doorway.

And a body flew right at me.

My reaction time was slightly too slow, and I let out an 'oof!' as the force of the now dead Asari slammed me against the wall and took down my shields. Sabrina threw the body off of me, placing a hand on my shoulder and inspecting for injuries. "Kim?!" Sabrina stared at me, alarmed. Garrus held is rifle up, moving to stand in front of us protectively. The world around me spun slightly, but I shook it off.

"I'm fine," I assured, standing up with a slightly stumble and raising my rifle. The world around me spun slightly as I tried to focus on the two fighting asari not too far from us. Sabrina pushed down the barrel of my rifle, then moving to push Garrus's down.

"Guns down. Follow my lead," Sabrina ordered, giving both of us warning looks, but I noticed that her gaze lingered on me a bit longer. Not that I blamed her.

Garrus would follow her orders without hesitation. Me? I'd hesitate. Especially if I didn't agree with them. If this was going to put her in danger…

I wouldn't let that happen.

Pursing my lips, I stared back at Sabrina with a hint of defiance. Considering the fact that I'd just gotten a body thrown at me, no wonder I didn't want to put my gun down. "Sabrina, I'm not putting mine down," I told the commander bluntly. She let out a slightly irritated sigh in response, walking ahead of me and towards the Asari Justicar. My eyes widened as she practically floated down a ledge before breaking the neck of the last mercenary in the room with her foot.

Damn.

How come everyone but Sabrina could float with their biotics?

"How come you never fly with your biotics Sabs?" I whispered, tugging on Sabrina's arm. The older woman looked down at me, her lips in a straight line.

"Kimmy, I can't even fly a skycar," Sabrina answered seriously. "What makes you think that I can fly myself?"

The deadly asari's gaze fell on us, and I felt a chill run down my spine.

Samara was dangerous.

Sabrina chatted with the Justicar, and I warily kept my rifle pointed to the ground. Not too long after that, it had been decided that Sabrina, Garrus, and me would find out the name of the ship that the fugitive Samara was hunting had left on. Of course, that meant killing more mercenaries.

I stayed calm the entire time. Even when Sabrina had gotten just a little bit high off the Minagen X3. I took charge while Garrus kept Sabrina under control. Figured out who killed the Volus…

Luckily, I had shot the girl who's done that. She drew her weapon first, after all. But Sabrina was still disappointed in me.

We found the ship name for Samara, we'd done good work.

But Sabrina didn't want to take me with her after we recruited Samara. Because even if I did good work, I was a loose cannon.

She couldn't trust me to follow her orders.


	15. Illium

Sabrina was looking for Thane Krios, the assassin. She'd taken Garrus and Grunt with her. Grunt! Instead of me! He was just as much of a loose cannon as I was, maybe even worse. So while she was busy with that, I'd chosen to help Liara with some of her work.

Our old companion knew how good I was with hacking. And working with Kasumi and Mordin had only made me better. It only made sense that she'd get my help with that over Sabrina.

…It really was nice to see Liara again, though.

Without Sabrina there, the two of us were actually able to get along relatively well. She didn't doubt my abilities, and I could respect what she'd been doing the last few years. We'd both changed. A lot.

It was something to bond over.

"Thanks again for all your help, Kim," Liara told me once we'd returned to her office; after I helped her dispose of the dead body of Nyxeris. Her secretary.

Who turned out to be an agent of the Shadow Broker.

"Not a problem," I responded evenly. Liara smiled back at me, a little bit wary. Just a tad awkward. "Just… promise you'll contact us before you go after the Shadow Broker," I requested, completely serious. What she was doing was dangerous, and I had no doubt that Sabrina would want to help. "You know how Sabrina is. She's not going to want to let you go on alone."

The asari's gaze softened at the mention of my sister, and I felt my jaws clench together. "She hasn't changed at all, has she?"

I nodded. "She's just like she used to be," I told the young asari positively. Then I remembered… Sabrina was the only one who hadn't changed. "Unlike us," I added, a frown appearing on my lips.

"It's not a bad thing," Liara assured me, sensing my mood darkening. "We've both grown up these past two years."

"We're both a lot deadlier than we used to be," I added, shrugging nonchalantly. "I mean, that was one cold threat earlier…"

"It was just a threat," the asari defended, causing me to give her a disbelieving look. "Fine. I am planning on following through with it if he chooses not to pay me," Liara huffed.

I clapped a hand against Liara's shoulder, giving her an approving nod. "I'm proud of you," I told her seriously. It was nice to see her so... assertive? Or would the better term to use be... mature. "Anyways, I'm going to head on back to the Normandy, see if Joker wants to hang out or something."

"It's good that the two of you are on speaking terms again," Liara noted, returning to her desk and taking a seat. I remained standing. "You two used to be very close. I… admired that about you. How close you had been with everyone else."

My heart clenched a bit. I had been close with everyone… except for her.

But then I threw it away.

"Don't admire me," I averted my gaze. "I mean… it's been years, you know?" The two of us stayed in a slightly tense silence before I broke it with a sigh. "Be careful Liara. Hopefully we'll talk again soon."

Liara smiled, sadness in her eyes. "I'll make sure of it. Be safe, Officer Kogan."

Nodding, I turned on my heel and exited Liara's office. Heading down the staircase, I gazed around at the stores. Some clothing shops… I did have some money, and I didn't exactly want to wander around in my Cerberus uniform when I was out with Jeff. And considering that I was currently clad in my armor…

I approached the store, an awkward expression on my face while an asari storekeeper helped me with choosing an outfit. Red jacket, black jeans… I had tank tops that I could wear already so I didn't worry about getting a shirt. Once I returned to the Normandy, I made a beeline towards the Pilot's Quarters, not even giving Jeff a hello as I passed. "EDI, lock the door please," I requested, chucking off my armor and changing into normal, regular clothes. Ready to exit the Normandy, I stepped out into the cockpit with a bored expression and a hand on my hip. "You ready to head out?" I asked the pilot.

He stood up from his seat and raised an eyebrow at me. "Why aren't you just going onto Illium in your fatigues?" A teasing glint appeared in his green eyes. "You dressing up?"

"Do you see me in a dress?" Shaking my head, I flicked my braid over my shoulder. "This isn't dressing up. I just figured that Cerberus personnel wouldn't be as welcomed by storekeepers."

Jeff's lips turned downward slightly. "…Just let me change first."

"Sure thing," I smiled, taking my usual seat. "Hey EDI, think you can tell me about any interesting stores on Illium? Things that I might like?" I asked the AI while Jeff limped into the other room. Her blue ball-like form flickered to life on my control panel.

" _I'm afraid I don't have enough facts about your likes and dislikes to answer that, Miss Kogan,"_ EDI responded. I tilted my head to the side slightly, a bit confused. I'd expected the AI to have like, files on everyone. Maybe track our extranet searches. Though… I guess I hadn't done a ton of extranet searching lately, and I never went out of my way to interact with her other than asking her to lock the door so…

"Do you need to, um… get to know me?" I inquired.

" _Yes,"_ she answered.

It almost seemed human. But… she wasn't.

The door shut behind Jeff, and I played with the sleeves of my new jacket. "Well…Is there anything you'd like to ask me? You know, to get to know me…"

The cockpit was silent for a moment, the only noises coming from the CIC or little beeps from the control panels. When the AI finally spoke up… I was surprised.

" _I find your relationship with Mr. Moreau to be quite fascinating,"_ EDI told me. _"Your interactions are… interesting."_ I froze instantly, feeling my jaw tighten and my heart thump. _Thump. Thump. Thump._ Why did EDI find it fascinating? There was nothing interesting about how the two of us interacted. "I find it difficult to categorize your relationship status. Would you be able to define it?"

I stared at EDI, the blue… ball thing… with a blank expression on my face. "Could you give me an example?" I requested awkwardly. "Or… just explain what you mean by interesting?"

" _Of course, Miss Kogan,"_ EDI agreed. _"With Mr. Moreau, you tend to go back and forth between being friendly or antagonistic; quite quickly I might add. Both of your metabolic scans show signs of being nervous around each other. My initial expectation was that the two of you would not work productively together, but Mr. Moreau refuses to work with anyone else. As such, I'm… curious. Are you friends, or enemies?"_

Thinking hard, I bit my lip. "We're… a work in progress," I decided, uncertainly. "I'll let you know when I'm sure, myself," I laughed half-heartedly. "Anyways… are there any stores on Illium that sell… I don't know, video games or something? Might be nice to have something to do when I have downtime."

I never really got to play many video games in the past, but when I did I always enjoyed them. Maybe I could pick up a few, ask Jeff to play them with me or something. Or… Kasumi. No way was I going to ask Mordin, he'd pick everything apart and ruin the story.

" _I've marked a fairly well reviewed store on your map,"_ the AI informed just as Jeff limped out of the room. I couldn't help but let out a laugh when I saw the pilot in his civvies. The only other outfit I'd ever seen him in was his formal uniform. Flight school uniform did not count. But here he was… wearing jeans, a white T-shirt, and a black hoodie. Surprisingly, he wasn't even wearing his hat so his hair curled up slightly on the ends, his hat hair adorably noticeable.

He looked so casual I almost couldn't believe it.

"Talk about dressing down," I commented with a grin, taking a step towards him, my hand forward to tug on a piece of his hair. "Just look at this hat hair!"

Jeff scoffed, a smirk on his face as he flicked my forehead in retaliation. "It's not that bad," he defended. I shot him a look of disbelief.

"Really, Moreau?" I clicked my tongue and shook my head. "No, no. It's pretty bad. Don't lie to yourself," I told him seriously.

"Oh, this is cute. Can't wait to show Shep," Kasumi giggled, appearing beside us and tapping on her omni-tool to reveal the holo she'd taken. I gave her a dark look. "What?" the thief asked me innocently.

"You know, I'd love it if just once me and CP could be friendly towards each other and have no one make it awkward," Jeff announced, irritation written all over his face as he threw his hands in the air. "Just once."

"Yeah, wouldn't that be great," I grumbled dryly, turning away from Jeff and gesturing towards the airlock. "After you."

Kasumi let out a giggle, and I shook my head at her. "What? You're not really angry at me for taking holos, are you?"

"I'm more creeped out by the… stalking?" Green eyes glanced in my direction. "It would be stalking, right?" Jeff inquired, limping towards the exit.

"It would be," I confirmed with a nod, following after the crippled pilot. "See you later Kasumi."

"Don't have too much fun!" Kasumi called after us. Jeff and I both sighed in exasperation, rolling our eyes.

The two of us stood together in the decontamination chamber, Jeff leaning against one of the metal walls while I stood in the center. Our silence was… comfortable. Not awkward, even if Kasumi often made the two of us awkward around each other. Maybe we were just getting used to her crazy antics?

"You know, CP, I'm glad you're making friends… but why Kasumi?" the pilot sighed. "You hated her at first."

Childishly, I stuck my tongue out at him. The simple action gave me an odd sense of déja vu. "You're one to talk. You used to hate me, remember?"

A mix of surprise and disbelief appeared on Jeff's face. "Wait, what? You thought I hated you?" he asked me incredulously.

All of a sudden, I was feeling quite anxious. Luckily the decontamination completed, and I was able to put more space between us. "Well, yeah," I shrugged, stepping out of the Normandy and back onto Illium's docks. "Are you seriously going to tell me that you didn't? The first thing you said to me back in flight school was 'stay out of my way'," I reminded, stopping and grinning at him half-heartedly.

Jeff looked away sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. "Man, I used to be a jerk, huh?"

Seeing his expression, I couldn't help but giggle. "Yeah, you could say that. But your douchiness just inspired me to try harder, so thanks," I told him with a wink. It was true, having him as a rival…

I probably wouldn't have ended up being that great of a pilot without him.

A small cough exited my throat. "To the shops?" I suggested with an uneasy smile. Turning on my heel and walking, I kept my pace slow, still used to adjusting my speed around him even though we hadn't really been around each other for two years. He was faster now, of course… But I didn't want him to push himself to keep up with me.

"I never hated you, though," Jeff stated firmly, limping after me as we walked towards the shops.

"Uhuh," I snickered a bit, rolling my eyes with disbelief. He used to hate me. He probably still did, especially after how I treated him when Sabrina died. The only reason he was trying to make things work was because—

"CP, stop for a minute," Jeff scowled, grabbing my wrist and getting me to face him. Green eyes met brown, and I idly noticed that even though he was slumped over… he was still taller than me. Expression a bit… irritated, but determined. "I've never hated you," he repeated with a certainty that I hadn't seen from him in a while. "Hell, back in Flight School I was just…" he thought hard, "...jealous. But I never hated you."

My throat dried up, my cheeks reddening significantly. "Was I just too awesome for you to hate?" I attempted to joke, but I ended up sounding meek. The pilot smirked down at me and released my wrist.

"You could say that," Jeff shrugged, limping forward and continuing towards the shops. "To the shops then?"

I nodded stiffly, following after him, thoughts swimming through my brain. _He doesn't hate you. He didn't hate you. He didn't… hate you. Not back then.  
_

**_…But what about now?_ **

Biting my lip, I gulped. There was this sick feeling in my stomach, creeping and dark. _We were trying, though… we were trying…_

"Hey CP!" Jeff called out, snapping me out of my thoughts. He was ahead of me now, a curious glint in his emerald green eyes. "Check this out!"

I jogged to catch up with the man, tilting my head to the side with a bit of confusion as he pointed towards the shop with a smirk dancing on his lips. "What's up?" I asked him. He pointed to the shop next to the two us, and I turned to look at it. Above me read the words 'Zowie Emporium', and a quick glance through the store's window revealed figurines, new Omni-Tool models… basically, a ton of nerd stuff. A quick check on my map let me know that this was the shop that EDI thought I'd like.

"Want to head inside?" Jeff offered, gesturing towards the entrance. Nodding, the two of us headed inside. The storekeeper was a human woman, looking up at the two of us as we entered with a gentle smile on her face. She was pretty… Taller than me, long brown hair with red highlights and bright blue eyes. Working in a game store…

I didn't want to think about how many guys probably hit on her on a daily basis.

"Hello," she greeted. "Welcome to Zowie Emporium. Need any help?"

"We're good," Jeff responded, shuffling ahead of me and towards the back wall, where I could see numerous models of ships protected by a sealed glass case.

"What, is the Normandy not good enough for you anymore?" I teased the pilot lightly, Jeff scoffing at me good naturedly.

"The Normandy's more than enough," he assured. "I was just thinking… Maybe we could get some for Shepard. She has a glass case in her quarters, right?"

"It's creepy that you know that," I stated bluntly.

"It's not like I… I mean…!" Jeff spluttered, causing me to snort at his reaction. He glared at me and crossed his arms. "EDI told me. Okay?"

I winked at him. "Sure it did. Because you asked, right? You stalker."

"…Shut up CP," Joker grumbled, glaring at the wall.

"You're right though," I smiled at the older man, eyeing other items in the store… Action figures from Galaxy of Fantasy, prop swords from Dragon Age: The Lost Ones… "I mean, we're halfway through November. Christmas will be here before we know it."

"Might be our last Christmas, too," Jeff shrugged. The thought made me a bit sad… but he was right. It was called a suicide mission for a reason, after all. "Shepard wouldn't mind if we brought the Earth tradition onto the Normandy, right?"

"She'd love it," I assured, heading towards another shelf and picking up one of the toys. "We should get gifts for the others, too. I know Karin likes her Serrice Ice Brandy…"

"We should get Garrus a new pole to stick up his ass," Jeff joked. I laughed, but shoved him and shook my head with a smile.

"Jeff, come on… You're not getting a gag gift for my favorite Turian," I told him with a scolding tone. Jeff stared at me, surprised… then sheepish, before finally shrugging.

"Fine, fine. What do you want, then?" the pilot asked me. While I stared at him blankly, he crossed his arms. "For Christmas? You know? I'm not going to get gifts for everyone _but_ you."

"Oh, ah…" I looked around anxiously. "Well, I don't know… what do you want?"

We both stood in silence for a moment before Jeff threw his arms into the air in defeat. "We'll decide later. Who do you think we should get gifts for?"

Looking up thoughtfully, I began listing members of the crew. "Sabrina for sure… Garrus, Jack, Kasumi, Mordin… Um…"

"I don't want to think about how Miranda would act if we left her out and got Jack a gift. And Jacob's nice enough to get one too," Jeff shrugged.

I nodded in agreement. "Don't forget Grunt… and maybe we could send gifts to Wrex, Liara, and Tali?"

"Yeah, sounds good," Jeff agreed. "What about Kaidan?"

My expression turned sour. "No way. He shattered my sister's heart. He doesn't deserve shit," I decided firmly. "Zaeed because why the hell not… Kenneth, Gabby, Kenn…"

Jeff narrowed his eyes at my mention of the young quarian. "Why Kenn?"

"Because he's my friend and it's not nice to leave people out," I retorted.

"If we're getting one for Kenn, then we might as well get one for Kelly and Gardner."

"So basically we're getting gifts for almost everyone on the Normandy," I realized, hearing my wallet weep.

At my disappointed expression, Jeff snickered. "Well, you don't want to leave anyone out right?"

"Don't tell me that you can't hear your wallet sobbing," I sassed back at him, sighing and shaking my head. "Well, it's not like we're going to buy really expensive gifts for anyone. Guess it's not that big of a deal."

The two of us wandered around the store, meeting up every few minutes to laugh at random gifts we'd found for our friends and allies… A Batman cape for Garrus (I agreed only because he truly was Turian Batman… and I could also grab him a bottle of wine to go with it, or something). A teddy bear for Grunt, Ship Models for Sabrina, Kenn, and Tali… Karin would get some Brandy, I'd find Kasumi some nice artwork… maybe old music records. Vinyl disks, or something like that.

My brain simply could not think of something to get for Mordin though. And Jeff… that was tougher. With Mordin, it was because I admired him so much…

With Jeff, it was because I didn't really… know him anymore. But I still wanted to get him something that he'd love.

"We can always grab things for everyone else at other shops," Jeff reminded me. "Think of anything you want yet?"

Looking around, I could spot a lot of things that would be fun to have. Chatting with the storekeeper (her name was Kayla) was fun. Apparently the new Dragon Age game was really good…

But, well, I didn't really want any of this stuff from Jeff. I'd rather he just… chose something himself.

"Surprise me," I shrugged. "I'm going to go grab a game though. Going to play it in the Port Observation with Kasumi next time we get the chance."

"Which game?" Jeff pressed, blocking my way. "The music one?"

Confused, I furrowed my brow. "Music game?"

Jeff pointed towards the side of the store that I'd simply glanced over. "Yeah, Rockband Remix," the pilot told me, gesturing towards it. "There's a demo up." I practically skipped over to it, Jeff limping after me as I hurriedly used the motion controls to check the song list. Ed Sheeran… Ed Sheeran…

Yes.

"Joker, I'm going to be busy for a while," I declared, picking up the Omni-tar and activating my earpiece. "They have Ed Sheeran songs."

A chuckle came from the pilot, shaking his head at me. "Knew you'd like it," he stated, turning and limping away and towards the register while I selected a song. I probably stayed there for about… half an hour before prying myself away from the game and buying what I'd actually planned on buying.

"I'll carry them," Jeff insisted, managing to pick up the bags holding Sabrina's gift. Stubbornly, I grabbed the rest, not wanting the cripple to have to carry everything. "Come on CP, I can carry more than this," he complained.

"And I want to carry more than you," I declared. The storekeeper… I peeked at her name tag to see that her name was Kayla, giggled and gave the two of us a dreamy look.

"You two look really cute together," she complimented, looking at us the way Sabrina constantly did when she was teasing about our nonexistent relationship. Jeff laughed at her comment, shaking his head; the sound causing a tiny smile to appear on my lips.

"Thanks," Jeff smirked, placing his free hand on the top of my head and giving the girl a flirty look. "Don't get the wrong idea though, we're not together."

A stab of irritation passed through me, and when the girl gave me a flabbergasted look, obviously embarrassed by her comment, I shrugged Jeff off of me and scowled. Of course he was going to try and hit on her.

"Oh," Kayla laughed, fluttering her eyelashes at the pilot. "Sorry about that!"

"Sorry about him," I snickered, nodding my head towards Jeff. The pilot scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Come on CP," he pulled on his shirt. "Do you know what this shirt is made of?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Probably cotton."

"Wrong," Jeff declared. "It's boyfriend material," he informed matter-a-factly. Kayla giggled at the corny line, and I felt a smirk make its way to my face.

"Then give her your shirt, and let's go," I quipped, the storekeeper unable to hide the huge smile on her face. Sighing in defeat, Jeff nodded towards Kayla.

"Thanks for the help," he told her as the two of us headed out of the shop. Once we were a fair distance away, he turned towards me with an accusing glare. "Worst wingman ever."

"Do you not see the boobs on my chest? I am obviously the worst wingwoman," I retorted, dramatic. Giving him a mischievous look.

"You're such a brat," Jeff sighed. "I almost want to go back and return the gift I got you."

Surprised, my head snapped in his direction. "Wait, what? You already got me a gift?"

"Rockband Remix was a great distraction," the pilot boasted. "Gave me more than enough time to pick something out for you."

Before I could argue with him about how it wasn't fair that he'd already gotten something for me before I got something for him, my earpiece crackled to life, Miranda's voice coming through.

" _Officer Kogan, it would be appreciated if you could meet Shepard and I in the Eternity bar,"_ the Cerberus Officer requested. I blinked, unmuting my mic and responding.

"Will I need my armor?" I inquired.

" _Yes,"_ Miranda affirmed.

Nodding understandingly, I gave Jeff an apologetic look. "I'll be there soon," I informed before muting my mic. "Officer Lawson requires my assistance," I explained to the pilot. "I'll need to head back to the ship… sorry."

Jeff shrugged. "No big deal. I'll just hang around by myself for a bit. See if I can find anything else for Christmas presents."

"Want me to take those back to the ship?" I asked him, gesturing towards the bag he was carrying. Jeff shook his head, no, but dug through it and held a small box out to me.

"That's your pre-Christmas present. Go ahead and open it up," Jeff encouraged. I gave him a suspicious glare, causing him to chuckle. "It's not a gag gift or anything, so don't look at me like that."

"Pretty sure pre-Christmas presents aren't a thing," I pointed out. "So… why are you giving me this early?"

"Because... we're friends. And I felt a bit bad when you reminded me about what a jerk I was back in flight school," he added sheepishly. "Come on CP, just open it."

Giving him one last wary look, I placed the other bags down and took the box from his hands, opening it up.

It was the Normandy.

Well, a ship model of the Normandy… the first one. The ship where we'd originally become friends, bickered, teased… The first ship where I'd gotten to work with Sabrina. Where I'd become close with Karin, Garrus, Tali, Ashley…

Jeff coughed awkwardly as I gawked at it. "Do you like it?"

I nodded frantically. "I love it," I assured, inspecting the model with awe. Happily, I looked up at the pilot as he grinned down at me, gentle… soft. "Thank you so much, it's amazing."

And it was amazing. I didn't even realize that they'd had a Normandy model.

The best part was that it wasn't the way I'd last seen the Normandy, it wasn't broken. It was whole. And looking at it like this… I didn't see any of the horrible things. When I looked at it, all I could think about was the happier times.

"You always liked the sentimental things," Jeff mumbled. My gaze softened and I smiled down at the ship model in my hands.

I did always like the sentimental things.

Then, I realized that Jeff had leaned closer to me, expression unreadable. At his closeness, my heart began to beat faster. Then, he flicked my forehead. "Get the stars out of your eyes, CP," he murmured, voice low. I gulped, taking a step back and hurriedly putting the ship back into its box. "Well, you'd better not keep Miranda waiting," the pilot grinned, turning away from me and heading towards the other shops.

As he walked away, my heart continued to beat rapidly. I felt warm inside… Jeff… he was amazing. He'd always been amazing. Even though we had our ups and downs, there were times when we were together and I just felt like—

My eyes widened in horror.

No.

No, no… I couldn't. I couldn't think like that.

My grip on the box in my hands tightened like the coils around my heart, and I felt the urge to scream and cry all at once.

I couldn't let myself feel that way towards him. I didn't deserve to feel so… happy. So light. Not after what I'd done to him and Sabrina. We always used to tease each other… 'You're so in love with me'… It was just a joke, it never meant anything more than that. Sabrina and Kasumi… they were just putting things in my brain, and I was having trouble adjusting so I was just… over thinking everything we did together. The teasing, the sweet gestures… they were all just friendly. The only thing that changed was me. I was making it awkward.

I barely deserved his friendship. How selfish could I be to think I deserved love, of all things?


	16. To Find a Cure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this is a LATE chapter.  
> But it's done! God, sorry everyone. School's been hell. Once I'm done finals I'll be posting these in groups of two LOL.

Shrugging out of my armor and back into my fatigues, I finally felt able to relax. The last day had been… busy, to say the least. Shopping with Jeff, meeting Sabrina's biggest fan, helping Miranda with her sister…

Now I just didn't want to do anything.

But Sabrina, wanting to do as much as possible, had already gotten us to set a course for the planet Aeia in the Rosetta Nebula. Stepping into the cockpit, I tiredly sat in my usual seat and held back a yawn. The presents we'd bought were already stashed away (with a note for Kasumi on top requesting that she refrain from ruining the magic of Christmas), my pre-Christmas present safely placed inside of the glass case in Sabrina's quarters.

"So, how was helping Miranda?" Jeff inquired, tapping buttons on his console. I curled up drowsily in my seat, letting out a sigh.

' _I'm glad that you're with me, Kimmy,'_ Sabrina had told me while we watched Miranda and her sister from a distance. She'd hugged me, which was incredibly uncomfortable in armor, and smiled at me… Miranda thanked me too, afterwards. I didn't really understand why, though. All I'd done was follow Sabrina's orders and agree when Sabs suggested Miranda talk to her sister.

"It was fine," I answered. "I'm just… wondering why they brought me along," I admitted. Sabrina didn't trust me to follow her orders, yet she still brought me along to help Miranda. Miranda knew that I'd put Sabrina's safety above her and Oriana's… So why'd they choose me?

The pilot shrugged in his seat. "Maybe you're just looking into it too much. You're a good enough shot… Shepard likes you, Miranda…" Jeff thought hard. "Hard to tell where she stands when it comes to anyone that isn't her, but I'm pretty sure she at least respects you."

I decided to just shrug it off for now. I could easily think about it later. "So, have fun without me?" I asked him, changing the topic.

Jeff glanced towards me. "Yeah. Got a few more gifts… Came back here and fractured my thumb on the mute button though." At the word 'fractured' I felt myself wake up a bit, staring at Jeff worriedly. "It's not that bad, CP. Don't worry about it," he told me with a smirk.

"Did you tell Karin at least?" I inquired, giving him a slightly disapproving look. Sure, I found EDI to be a bit… unsettling, at times. But what could it have said that would cause him to fracture his thumb to make her be quiet? At my question he averted his gaze, and I had my answer. "Moreau, you should have told Karin," I chastised, standing up and approaching him. "Okay, show me," I ordered, holding out my hand. Like a child, Jeff huffed and bitterly held out his hand to me. I inspected it carefully, seeing obvious signs of swelling. It wasn't a serious injury, it wouldn't even need a splint…

"It's not that bad," Jeff repeated stubbornly. "It barely even hurts."

…But he still should have told Karin.

"It's still a fracture," I argued, glaring at him. "I'm going to get you some ice," I decided, standing up. I didn't even wait for a reply before I headed towards the CIC and towards Mordin's lab. Even though I wasn't one-hundred percent sure that Mordin would have ice, there was still a pretty good chance. Maybe he needed it for some of his experiments or something. Entering the lab, the eccentric salarian turned his head to look at me, smiling and nodding in approval.

"Ah, Kim. Was just wondering about you," the salarian said in his usual rushed way. "Need something?"

I grinned at him sheepishly. "I was wondering if you had any ice. Joker fractured his thumb on the mute button."

The scientist paused, head tilted to the side. "…Odd. Force needed for him to fracture thumb far greater than required to push button," Mordin noted, gesturing towards the other side of the room. "Ice pack in the cooler, take as much as you'd like."

"Thanks!" I headed where he pointed, opening up the cooler and grabbing one of the ice packs. "What are you working on today?"

"Many things," the doctor nodded his head. "Though… hmm… One might interest you," Mordin approached me with his datapad, scrolling through it quickly. "Think I've cured Joker's condition."

I froze up. He'd been thinking about a way to cure Vrolik's Syndrome? "Details please," I requested, taking his datapad and scanning it while Mordin eagerly continued.

"Simple treatment would…" his face screwed up distastefully. "No, no, no, no. Would cause liver failure. Never mind. Start from scratch."

My heart fell.

Of course it wouldn't be that easy.

"Could I take a look at what you did think up, though?" I requested meekly. Slight confusion appeared on Mordin's face, then a frown.

"Why? Unusable," Mordin stated. "Won't be useful."

I crossed my arms. "Come on Mordin… I'm sure that's not true. Everyone can learn from mistakes… maybe there are alterations we could make to the original so that it does work."

Mordin looked up thoughtfully for a moment before nodding and transferring the data to my omni-tool. "Could use another set of eyes. See if you find something I missed," the Salarian requested. "Need to get back to work now, stay if you'd like to help."

"I should probably get this ice to Joker," I shrugged. "But I'll stop by once I'm done reading through this! Thanks again." The scientist let out a hum of acknowledgement as I left his lab, rushing back to the cockpit to give Jeff the ice pack. "Now, do me a favor and try not to fracture anything else."

"I'll try not to," Jeff grumbled, placing the pack on his thumb and wincing. "It's cold."

"It's ice," I countered, taking my seat and opening up the notes Mordin had given me. "Did I miss anything while I was gone?" I inquired, brown eyes scanning over the various ideas.

"Well, it unmuted itself," Jeff shrugged, fixing his hat with his free hand. "Other than that, nothing interesting. Pressed a few buttons. You know, pilot stuff. What are you reading?"

"Just some of Mordin's notes," I replied, closing my omni-tool and turning my chair to face Jeff properly. "Okay, so… Christmas," I began, determined to plan. "We still need to get a bunch of presents. And I think a party would be fun."

Jeff turned his seat to face me as well. "Yeah. Any idea what you want yet?"

I thought hard. "Um…" a slightly panicked expression appeared on my face, causing the pilot to laugh.

"Don't worry about it CP," he soothed. "You'll think of something."

"Well, any idea what you want yet?" I shot back, glaring at him accusingly. Jeff shrugged sheepishly. "Hah!" I grinned victoriously. "Okay, so… We still need to get gifts. I'll see if I can convince Sabs to get us to the Citadel."

Joker nodded his approval. "Yeah sounds like a good idea."

"We're also going to want to get the party planned out so that the rest of the crew knows about it. Maybe we can see how long we can hide it from Sabs," I grinned. "EDI, start a betting pool. Oh, and send a note to everyone but Shepard about this… and let them know that they can't tell Shepard. I'm confident that we can hide it from her for at least two weeks. Put me down for… a hundred credits."

" _Of course, Miss. Kogan,"_ EDI answered.

Jeff let out a short laugh, raising an eyebrow. "Really? Only two weeks?"

"Hey, think about it for a second. Chances are, one of the alien members of our crew won't understand the meaning of Christmas. Most likely, they'll ask Sabrina about it," I pointed out. "Then, bam. The seed is planted in Sabrina's head and she harasses one of us until we tell her about the Christmas party. Or she asks Liara."

"Liara's back on Illium, remember? How would she know?" Jeff scoffed. I gave him a look.

"She has her ways," I assured. "So, I think it'll take two weeks."

The foolish man shook his head. "EDI, I think we can hide this from Shepard. Put me down for a hundred credits."

The AI's voice sounded a bit amused. _"Of course, Mr. Moreau."_

"You're going to lose," I announced confidently. "Prepare yourself. You're going to be a hundred credits poorer."

"Sure I will," Jeff snickered, a challenge in his eyes. "Want to up the stakes? Two hundred credits says you're going to be wrong."

"Two hundred credits, and," I smirked, "your hat."

"Two hundred credits, and…" Jeff's face screwed up slightly as he thought of a good bet. "…You'll have to wear that dress Kasumi got you to the party."

I wasn't even fazed when the thief appeared behind Jeff, leaning against his seat with a smirk dancing on her lips. "Aw, admit it Joker. You just want to see Kim in a dress."

The pilot matched her expression, turning his head to look up at her. "My intentions are obvious. I don't need to admit anything."

"Oh?" Kasumi let out a giggle. "And what are these intentions, if you don't mind my asking?"

I tried to tune the two of them out. Jeff just liked teasing. Kasumi liked teasing me, well… us. It wasn't that big of a deal anyways. Still, I ended up turning my head towards the two of them; curiosity in my eyes.

Jeff winked at the thief, mischievous. "Kim's funny when she's embarrassed."

"You suck," I stated instantly. "Fine, but if you lose I get to wear your hat and _you_ need to wear the dress."

Kasumi let out a small gasp. "Kim! No! That'll ruin it," she gave me a disapproving look. "I'll get Joker a dress to wear. You keep yours safe. What if you need something nice to wear one day?"

As much as I doubted that I'd ever wear the dress Kasumi got me ever again, I did feel a bit bad. She did get it for me, and I didn't really want to ruin it.

"Make sure it sparkles," Jeff demanded. I cracked a smile at that; the mental image of Jeff wearing a sparkling dress was too funny.

"Do me a favor and make the dress purple, it'd bring out the color in his eyes," I mocked. "So, Kasumi, you going to put in a bet?"

"Kim, you act like you don't even know me," Kasumi stepped away from Jeff's seat and placed a hand on her hip. "I'm on Jeff's side. We can hide this whole thing from Shep… I'll help."

"No fair!" I whined. "Kasumi!"

Kasumi smirked. "Sorry Kim, but Joker's side means that you need to wear the dress I got you again. I'd never work against that."

"Horrible, I thought our friendship meant more than that," I sighed. "And what did you mean by helping? You better not be rigging this in your favor."

"Well, we both know how much Shep likes poking around… chances are she'll find those presents you hid so poorly in your room," Kasumi shrugged.

"It's not my room," I stated bluntly.

Jeff spoke in unison with me. "It's not her room."

"My locker's in there, but I sleep in Sabrina's room," I added with a small grin. "I don't trust that bed. Joker sleeps in it."

"I haven't done anything," Jeff told me defensively. "Geez."

"EDI will be the judge of that," I smirked, giving the pilot a wink. For a split second I was sure I saw nervousness on Jeff's face, and it took all of my strength to not laugh at the sight. "No, no, on second thought I don't want to know."

"Anyways," Kasumi cut in, just as amused at me. "Your little hiding spot isn't exactly the best. Shep's going to find it by tomorrow if you're not careful."

I glanced towards the pilot's quarters. Yeah, a note wouldn't stop Sabrina. And then the cat would be out of the bag… and most likely, all of Sabrina's presents would be opened early. "…Okay, you're right," I agreed. "Suggestions on where to hide them?"

"I'm the only one that really uses the maintenance ducts. Those might be a good place to hide them," Kasumi suggested. Jeff and I both gave Kasumi a look.

Now we knew how she got around the ship.

"What?" Kasumi smiled innocently. "They're a good way to get around."

"Okay, well… I guess we'll hide them there then," I shrugged, heading towards the pilot's quarters.

Jeff tapped a button on his console, limping after me. "Wait up CP, I'll help."

"Pfft, come on Jeff. We both know that I'm way stronger than you," I boasted. "I can hide them myself."

"Your idea of hiding them initially was just throwing a blanket over them with a note telling Kasumi not to ruin the magic of Christmas," he shot back. "You'll need the help."

"He's not wrong," Kasumi grinned, disappearing from view.

"Thanks so much Kasumi!" I called out sarcastically, unsure of where she was now. I didn't get a response.

Jeff limped ahead of me, activating the door to the pilot's quarters. "Let's get a move on, then."

"Shouldn't you be flying the ship?" I inquired, brushing past him and towards the admittedly poorly hidden presents.

The pilot scoffed. "Please, CP. You realize that ninety-eight percent of our job is just watching buttons flash, right? The ship's on auto-pilot. If something serious happens, you can just run here and take care of things."

"I'm glad you have so much faith in me," I eyed Jeff cautiously. Why was he so willing to let me fly the ship all of a sudden? Alone? Well, in a dangerous situation… but still. "Okay, down to the maintenance ducts we go," I cheered lamely, grabbing a good hunk of the gift's we'd gotten for people. I'd left Jeff a small amount to carry, mostly because I wanted to make a point that I was stronger than him, and faster.

…But also because I just… didn't want him to struggle while carrying presents.

"EDI, keep us posted on Sabrina's location," I requested. "Oh, and where's the closest entrance to the ducts?"

"There's an entrance in the research lab, Miss Kogan," EDI answered diligently. "Shepard is in the Main Battery with Officer Vakarian"

"Have those two been hanging out a lot recently, or is it just me?" Jeff picked up the remaining gifts and followed after me.

"Well, they've always been close," I shrugged. "Even on the old Normandy. Sabrina always brought him on missions… and it makes sense that she wants to hold onto something familiar. Vakarian's probably changed the least out of all of us."

We didn't speak as we hurried towards Mordin's lab, ignoring the curious looks that other crew members were giving us. As the doors hissed open, a hilarious sight came before us.

"-I've studied species Turian, Asari, and batarian," the salarian sang, facing away from us. "I'm quite good at genetics as a subset of biology because I am an expert which I know is a tautology!"

I bit my lip to keep myself from laughing, Jeff's jaw was practically on the floor.

"My xenoscience studies range from, oh," Mordin turned, finally noticing the two of us, and sadly stopped his song with surprise on his face. "Kim, Joker. Need something?"

"I need you to come to karaoke next time we go," I grinned. "But really, we're just here to hide Christmas presents from Sabrina."

Confused, Mordin tilted his head to the side. "In my lab? No, Shepard visits too frequently…" the salarian looked up, deep in thought. "Somewhere Shepard never goes. Surely not the men's bathroom, wouldn't need to go through here… Surely the thief is helping you two… ah, the maintenance ducts," Mordin nodded, confident in his guess.

"You got it," I confirmed, walking past him and towards the ladder that led down to where we wanted to go. "Don't tell Sabs, okay?"

"Yes, saw the note. Quite excited!" Mordin smiled. "Never participated in a human holiday before. Will be interesting."

All of a sudden, Jeff's lips were by my ear, a hand blocking his mouth from view. "I still can't believe how fast he can talk," he whispered, warm breath tickling my skin. The pilot's closeness caused me to blush, a frown developing on my face as I shied away. Joker pulled back, smirking in Mordin's direction. "I think you'll love it. Humans always get a little crazy at Christmas time, makes them more fun to watch."

"I'm just going to go ahead and start hiding these before Sabrina suddenly wants to hang with Mordin," I announced, adjusting my grip on the presents I was carrying. Jeff shook his head, and started heading down the ladder first.

"Have you seen the amount of gifts you're carrying? I'll go first… you're going to take forever," Jeff stated, his meager share of the gifts being far easier to carry. I rolled my eyes, peering over the side of the entrance.

"You're so slow," I teased.

He turned his head up to look up at me, a smirk still curled on his lips as his boots clanged on the metal flooring. "What was that? Looks like I'm already down."

"Fine, how's it look down there?" I inquired. From where he was standing, it didn't seem that cramped.

Jeff shrugged his shoulders. "Spacious over here, but turns into crawlspace," he pointed behind him, "that way."

I nodded. "Okay, I'm coming down now," I called down to him, slowly making my way down the ladder. It was difficult to keep everything balanced with all the presents… and then, one started slipping. Foolishly, I let one hand go off the ladder to try to fix it, but as others got loose I completely lost my grip. With a small shout, I fell backwards… presents falling with me. My eyes clenched shut-

_CRACK~!_

Hitting the ground didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but the world was spinning for a minute. A low, slightly pained groan sounded from beneath me, and as I opened my eyes, I saw Jeff… jaw clenched painfully and green eyes squinting up at me worriedly. "You okay, CP?" he forced out, hands gripping my shoulders. We'd landed in a… odd position.

But I didn't have time to think about that.

"Am I okay?!" I gaped down at him, scrambling to my feet and inspecting him franticly. "I landed on you! Are you okay?!"

"I'll be fine until the adrenaline wears off," Jeff grinned. I felt a stab of guilt go through my stomach and I knelt down, touching his leg gingerly. I could feel the swelling through the material of his pants, and knew that putting too much pressure would cause him pain.

"I'm going to go get Mordin," I decided, a guilty look on my face as I moved swiftly back up the ladder. The doctor was already peering over the edge of the entrance, a curious expression on his face. "I'm pretty sure I broke Joker's leg," I explained, biting my lip anxiously. Mordin's lips downwards and he nodded, waiting for me to pull myself out of the duct before climbing down himself. I sat by the ladder, hugging my knee's to my chest. About ten minutes later, Jeff climbed out from the ducts, Mordin not too far behind him.

"Hey CP, next time give me a bit more warning before you fall off a ladder," the pilot teased as soon as he'd pulled himself out. "But I guess I can't really blame you for falling for me," he added with a wink and his usual cockiness.

"Doubtful she fell for your benefit," Mordin interjected, completely missing Jeff's joke (or maybe just ignoring it). "Accident more likely. Will get you some crutches. Keep weight off of leg," the salarian instructed, walking past me and towards the supply cabinet.

I stood up from the floor and stood by Jeff, helping him balance and getting the weight off his injured leg. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Jeff shrugged his shoulders. "Please, this is nothing. Don't worry about it, okay?" I bit my lip, keeping my eyes glued to the floor. Mordin approached, crutches in hand, and I stepped away from the two of them once Jeff had balanced himself with them. "Never thought I'd have to use these again," he muttered to himself.

A stab went through my heart.

"I'm going to finish hiding the presents," I squeaked, climbing back down the ladder. Now in the ducts, I covered my face with my hands, feeling my heart tear itself apart. He'd only just been able to stop using crutches and I screwed it up for him. Now he'd have to use them until his leg finished healing… all because I fell on him. Because I'd been clumsy. Because I wasn't careful.

Letting out a heavy breath, I started picking up the scattered presents and tucking them away neatly. When I finally climbed back out, Mordin was busily working on whatever he was working on, and Jeff was gone.

"Joker right about some things," Mordin piped up as I tried to scurry past him. "Humans amusing to watch. Levels of intoxication irrelevant, though."

I shot the salarian a wary look. "What do you mean by that?"

Mordin chuckled, shaking his head. "Will explain later. Check up on Joker? Want to know that he is resting his leg."

"Sure," I answered, the door hissing open. I hurried to the cockpit, Joker turning his chair to face me with a small grin on his lips.

"Just thought I'd let you know that you owe me dinner now for this," he stated, pointing at his leg. "And not that White Spot crap either."

A smile broke free. "What, trying to solicit a date out of me?" I mocked, crossing my arms.

Jeff smirked. "Nah, just doing things to remind Tali that she hasn't married you yet."


	17. Tali

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The goal is for me to post a chapter every day/ every other day so that the Christmas chapter gets posted around Christmas. Doubt it'll happen but I'll TRY.

It was too hot.

I peered through my scope, feeling myself sweat under my armor. Of course Sabrina would take me with her on a mission that was both hot and involved Geth. It was always Geth. How come it was always Geth?

_BANG_

Another one fell, and I released the breath that I'd been holding before popping the heat sink. Tali, Tali. This was for Tali.

"You doing okay over there?" Sabrina called over to me. She and Grunt were ahead of me, ducked behind some cover.

I nodded, the heat messing with my head slightly. It took me a moment, but then I realized that she likely wasn't able to see me. "I'm fine!" I shouted back to her. God, how long had Tali been here? When did the geth arrive?

…Was she okay?

From the information we'd gathered, it looked pretty bleak. A marine had sacrificed his life to protect Tali… who knew how many of them were left?

'… _anyone who gets this, find Tali'Zorah. She and that data are all that matters. Keelah se'lai.'_

I held my breath to steady myself, shooting another geth in the shoulder while Sabrina stormed towards them; her biotics glowing. Finally, we'd defeated the wave of geth. I followed behind Grunt and Sabs, hearing static from a nearby radio… next to a butchered Quarian.

" _OP-1, this is Squad Leader Kal'Reegar, come in, over!"_

Grunt watched me with amusement as the color left my face. "Weak," he chuckled. Sabrina shot the Krogan a small glare, picking up the radio to respond.

"This is Commander Shepard of the Normandy," Sabrina responded. "Can we provide assistance?"

I could almost feel the relief from the man on the radio. _"Patch your radio to channel 617 Theta. We were on a stealth mission. High Risk. We found what we were after, but the geth found us."_ Sabrina nodded towards Grunt and I, and I opened up my omni-tool to switch my comm to 617 Theta. _"They've got us pinned down. Can't get to our ship, can't transmit data through the solar radiation."_ I pursed my lips. The man on the comm sounded so… tired.

I felt guilty.

Tilting my head to the side curiously, I awkwardly gestured towards the dead quarian on the ground when Sabrina looked at me. Luckily she understood. "What's the status of your team?" Sabrina inquired. "How many of you are left?"

"…"

I bit my lip.

"We were a small squad. Dozen marines, plus the science team. We're down to half-strength now. Made the synthetic bastards pay for it, though."

The commander nodded understandingly. "Okay, how are you holding up? We can be there in a few minutes,"

"We're bunkered down at base camp across the valley. I left Tali'Zorah at a secure shelter, then doubled back to hold the chokepoint."

I let out a sigh of relief. Tali was still safe, thank god…

"Getting Tali out safely is our top priority," Kal'Reegar stated. "If you can extract her, we'll keep them off you."

"So you have confirmation that Tali is alive?" I piped up.

"Affirmative. Left my best men with her. When you get here, you can talk to her on the comm," the marine assured. "Every marine on this rock is sworn to protect Tali'Zorah. Long as one of us is still drawing air, she'll be safe."

Sabrina smiled, glad that our old friend was still safe. "Hold position. We'll hit their back ranks."

"Wait, watch your ass! We've got a dropship coming in!"

I saw a quarian checkpoint not too far from us… and a geth ship flying by. My eyes widened in shock as the ship shot them to the ground… Sabrina started dashing forward, but I was faster…

My stomach felt sick as I watched a pillar fall and crush any hope I had that those quarians were still alive.

"Crap! Doorway's blocked!" the quarian commander cursed. "Grab the demo charges in the buildings nearby, use them to clear a path."

I would have been more upset by the fact that so many of his team had been killed. God, I hated geth. I hated them so, so much. Ashley's face flashed into my mind and my jaw tightened.

I hated geth.

The plan was simple, Sabrina and Grunt would stay together and lure the Geth towards one of the charges while I snuck by to get the second one. Simple, easy. I was good at being sneaky. Not as good as Kasumi, but I could get things done. I could… get things done.

My stomach churned uncomfortably and I hid behind cover when some Geth charged past me and towards Sabrina and Grunt, who were doing a great job on their end. I could still hear their guns firing, the sound of metal hitting the hard ground, and our pet Krogan yelling out that he was hungry. I was pretty sure that he was always hungry, though.

I peeked past the stone structures and pressed forward, pulling out my pistol. It would be far more useful than my sniper rifle at close range. No geth, no geth… Luckily for me, Sabrina's plan worked perfectly. There wasn't a single geth on my end. Carefully I snuck into what I suspected was a storage unit, or maybe a garage? There were a significant amount of crates.

And a console.

…I couldn't fight the curiosity.

I tapped on the console, setting it to stream an audio file to mine and Sabrina's earpieces. "Hey Sabrina, check out what I found," I spoke over the comm. "Good job keeping the geth away from me by the way."

" _No problem!"_ Sabrina shouted over the comm. " _What did you find?_

"Audio file," Iresponded, hitting play.

Tali's voice played. _"We need a core sample to get a timeline on the rate of radiation increase, but our equipment keeps dying on us. Shepard once used a mining laser to clear some rubble back on Therum. Maybe I can do something similar with demolition charges."_

Sabrina whistled. _"It never ceases to amaze me how resourceful she is."_

I let out a sigh. "And it never ceases to break my heart when she's only inspired by you."

The commander snickered over the comm, which was cut off by a gasp. "Kimmy, there's some geth heading your way! I'll be there in a minute!"

"Oh, fuck my life," I groaned, quickly hiding myself behind some crates. Peering through some of the thin spaces between the crates, I could see maybe… three geth. And I knew that there were probably one or two using cloaks. A sense of dread filled me. "Remind me to get Miranda to order me one of those tactical cloaks. I'd be unstoppable," I hissed into the comm.

" _Just hang tight, we'll be there in a minute!"_ Sabrina assured.

So much could happen in a minute, though.

I took a deep breath; clutching my pistol to my chest. I was very obviously outnumbered. But, if I was quick enough…

Overload one. Wouldn't do much for very long, but it would change how many geth could shoot at me. Maybe from a distance I could even sabotage one of their weapons to give myself even higher odds. Really, I didn't know what else I could do other than that, since they were walking towards me and I wanted there to be at least some distance in this fight.

Releasing the breath I'd been holding, I steeled my gaze and shot up from cover, overloading one of them and shooting at another before ducking down. That kept them from getting any closer. Now, they knew I was a threat and were hiding behind cover themselves. But hunters… hunters, I eyed around me cautiously, trying to see the shimmer of a cloak.

And then I was lifted into the air, a geth hunter uncloaking and staring at me with its… eye.

Helplessly I gripped at its arm, kicking my feet out instinctively. The other geth started shooting at me now that I was in the open, and I could see how much my shields were going down on my visor. Gritting my teeth, I shakily pointed my pistol at the hunter's head and shot at it twice before dropping to the floor with it. I rolled away from it, now safely back behind cover.

"Kimmy!" Sabrina shouted, biotically charging through one of the other geth while Grunt shouted an incomprehensible battle cry and head-butting another.

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" I shouted back as my shields recharged, standing as soon as they were back to their maximum strength and shooting at the last one. Sabrina rushed towards me, worry etched on her face, and inspected me like a mother hen. "I'm fine," I repeated.

Relief spread across my sisters face and she nodded. "Good. Remind me to never include leaving you to fight by yourself in any of my battle plans from now on."

"Whatever makes you comfortable," I nodded, holstering my pistol and switching to my sniper rifle. "Did you get the other demolition charge?"

Sabrina nodded, pulling it out and showing it to me. "You got the other one right?"

I pulled the other one out and handed it to her. "Did you ever doubt me?"

A smirk appeared on Sabs's face and she placed an armored hand on my head. "Never."

"Mind if we get moving? Theres nothing here for me to fight," Grunt grumbled. I tilted my head questioningly towards Sabrina and she grinned back at the Krogan.

"Sure thing Grunt," Sabrina stepped away from me, and the three of us headed towards the fallen pillar to set the charges. We moved back to avoid the blast, and then climbed over the rubble to head inside so we could continue on our way to Kal'Reegar. Inside, I couldn't hide my horror at all the fallen quarians.

And geth.

One crawled pitifully towards us and I felt the rage burn in my chest. Stomping forwards, I kicked the… creature (more like monster) over before shooting it in the head. Sabrina checked the body of the other geth to make sure we weren't in for a dangerous surprise while Grunt walked over to me, looking like he'd been entertained by my spiteful action.

"Humans are soft, it's funny to watch you act like you're not," the Krogan stated.

"Hardy har har," I drawled, picking up some spare heat sinks from a nearby counter and reloading my weapons. "It's funny to watch you act like you're not soft too," I mocked, walking towards a console and opening it up. Another audio file.

Sabrina noticed what I was doing and joined me, just as curious. "It's weird how all these audio files aren't on just one console. What was Tali thinking? I mean, if they're all on different consoles it's more difficult to keep track of things."

"Probably just an oversight," I shrugged. "Not that big of a deal."

"Miranda did it too," Sabrina grumbled, crossing her arms.

"Maybe they just wanted to keep things separate in case of snooping from a certain someone," I joked, hitting play.

" _Our ancestors walked these halls with uncovered heads. The sun must have been normal back then," "So much space, walls of stone… it's amazing. I wish my friends could see it. I wish Shepard were here."_

I frowned, crossing my arms. Thanks Tali, thanks a ton. There was no way that I could deny that I felt the tiniest bit upset by Tali's statement. What about me? I was her friend first.

"I'm sure it doesn't mean anything," Sabrina piped up awkwardly.

"Yeah, sure," I muttered, gaze darkening. "Whatever, we grew distant when you were gone. Makes sense that she's thinking about you more than me now that you're back. I was always here, after all."

Sabrina's expression turned sad. "Kim-"

" _Tali'Zorah to base camp; come in, base camp."_

I turned my head to look at the communications console. "You'd better go answer that."

My sister gave me one more worried look before stepping up to the console, Grunt sticking by me.

A flickering hologram of Tali showed on the console. At least she was alive. _"Hello, is anyone there?"_

"Tali, it's Shepard," Sabrina responded

" _Shepard?"_ the quarian sounded excited. _"I'm not complaining, but you show up at the strangest times! What are you doing in the middle of geth space?"_

Trying to save you.

Sabrina grinned cheerfully. "I was in the neighborhood. Thought you might need a hand."

" _Thanks for coming, Shepard,"_ I could hear the smile in her voice. _"It means a lot to hear your voice."_ Ouch. Another stab in my heart. _"Kal'Reegar and what's left of the marines got me into the observatory. From where you are, it's through the door and across the field. I got the data I needed and I'm safe for now, but I've got a lot of geth outside."_

"Got it," the commander nodded. "It looks like somebody sealed the door against the geth and the console is damaged. Can you get it open on your end?"

I let out a sigh, noticing Grunt look at me questioningly from the corner of my eye while Tali and Sabrina worked together. "Yes, Grunt?"

"You're small," the krogan noted.

"Yes, as if that wasn't obvious," I mused. Grunt looked away awkwardly.

"Didn't think such a tiny human could look intimidating," the Krogan muttered, scratching the back of his head.

"Thank you very much for the compliment," I bowed mockingly, following behind Sabrina once the door opened.

And then, of course, with our luck… There was a Geth Colossus. Well, pretty far across from us but those things were difficult enough to take down in a Mako!

Plus, it had already fired a shot off towards us.

"Get down!" Sabrina ordered, diving under cover. Some rocks and other bits of debris fell on me when the shot hit the wall, and I let out a groan.

"Have I ever mentioned that I hate geth?" I announced loudly. Grunt was in his element though, filled with glee by the fact that we were going to fight something bigger than him. Quickly recovering, Sabrina and I stood up and bolted with Grunt down the staircase. Then I saw a quarian.

Thank god there was at least one left, other than Tali.

He noticed us and I could feel the relief coming from him. "Over here! Get to cover!" he called. Sabrina, carelessly, stepped in the range of the Colossuses. Luckily, Kal pulled her down before anything hit her. "Hang on, Shepard! He scolded. "Stay down before the colossus gets ideas!" Grunt and I stayed behind the wall, but I could tell that the Krogan was itching for the fight to start. "Still got no idea why you're here, but this ain't the time to be picky." A blast hit the wall, and I stumbled a bit. "Tali's inside over there," Kal'Reegar stated, gesturing towards the door that was right behind the colossus. "The geth killed the rest of my squad, and they're trying to get to her. Best I've been able to do is draw their attention."

"She was still alive when we spoke on the communications console," Sabrina stated. "You sure she's still safe?"

The quarian commander nodded. "The observatory is reinforced. Even the geth will need time to get through it. And it's hard to hack a door when someone's firing rockets at you."

"Good job with that," I approved, giving the man a thumbs up.

Kal nodded back at me before returning his gaze to Sabrina. "The geth are near platoon strength, but the colossus is the worst part. It's got a repair protocol. Huddles up and fixes itself."

"A cheap trick," Grunt scoffed.

"I can't get a clear shot while it's down like that," Kal'Reegar continued. "I tried to move in closer, and one of the bastards punched a shot clean through my suit."

Alarms blared in my head. "How bad is your suit damage?" I inquired.

He glanced back at me. "Combat seals clamped down to isolate contamination, and I'm swimming in antibiotics. The geth might get me, but I'm not going to die from an infection in the middle of a battle. That's just insulting."

"Okay, tell us about the battlefield," my sister requested. I listened intently, eager to help strategize. From what I could tell, going from the right seemed like the best option. We had a Krogan on our side, and I could snipe the colossus from here to keep it distracted.

Sadly, Kal wanted to do something more.

"I'm not moving so well, but I can still pull a trigger," Kal told us seriously, "and I've got a rocket launcher that the sun hasn't fried yet. You move in close, I'll keep the colossus busy, maybe even drop its shields. With luck, you'll be able to finish it off.

Sabrina glanced at me for my opinion, and I shook my head no. There was no reason to needlessly risk his life.

"You've done enough, Reegar," Sabrina assured the quarian commander. "You don't need to throw your life away."

"Wasn't asking for your permission," Reegar bristled slightly. "My job is to keep Tali safe, this is our best-" I cut him off when he stood, pulling him behind the wall and glaring at him.

"First of all, we don't have nearly enough people on our side for you to want to take one for the team," I chastised. The glowing white orbs that were his eyes squinted slightly.

"I'm not going to stand there while you run into enemy fire! They killed my whole squad!" the man argued. Sabrina shook her head.

"Reegar, stand down," Sabrina ordered.

"Just watch Sabrina's back," I suggested. "I'll stay back here with you, monitor your health… I'm basically a field medic. I can use my sniper rifle to keep the colossus occupied while Sabrina and Grunt take the path on the right. Besides, they'll need us alive back here in case the geth bring in reinforcements."

"She's the one that comes up with the good plans, by the way," Sabrina added.

Reegar let out a slightly frustrated noise, but nodded. "All right, Shepard. We'll do it her way. Hit them for me… Keelah se'lai."

With that, Sabrina and Grunt ran into the battle and I readied my rifle. I took a few shots before the colossus fired back, and I could tell that Sabrina and Grunt were making short work of the other geth. And I got to see through my scope as Grunt charged at the colossus for the killing blow.

As soon as all the geth had fallen, I stood up; helping Reegar stand as well, and walked with him to meet up with Sabrina, Grunt, and Tali.

"Not a bad plan," Reegar told me as we walked. "Never did catch your name, by the way."

"Flight Officer Kimberly Kogan," I answered formally. "And thanks for not just ignoring my advice and getting yourself killed."

"Believe me, it was a struggle," the quarian joked. "It was good working with you. And Shepard, too. Tali always loved talking about the two of you."

We opened the observatory door, stepping inside. On the other side of the room, Tali stood by Sabrina and Grunt, the three of them talking.

"-and if the admirals have a problem with it, they can go to hell. I just watched the rest of my team die," Tali stated darkly.

I stood back while Kal'Reegar limped forward, happiness radiating off of him from the moment he heard Tali's voice.

"Maybe not the whole rest of your team, ma'am."

Tali ran towards him, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Reegar! You made it!"

"Your old captain as good as you said, same with Officer Kogan. Damn colossus never stood a chance," Reegar complimented.

Sabrina smiled at him. "If you need the transport, the Normandy can get you out of here."

The quarian captain shook his head. "The geth didn't damage our ship. Long as we get out of here before reinforcements show up we'll be fine."

Tali turned a bit sheepish. "Actually, I won't be going with you. I'm joining Commander Shepard."

Reegar nodded, as understanding as ever. "I'll pass the data to the Admiralty Board and let them know what happened," he glanced back at Sabrina. "She's all yours now, Shepard. Keep her safe."

Before we left, we escorted Reegar back to his ship and I watched with amusement in my eyes as he and Tali awkwardly decided their farewell would be an incredibly awkward handshake. If I didn't know any better…

Nah, I totally knew better. Mutual. Crush.

But I didn't say anything until we were on our way to the Normandy.

"So, Tali. You and Reegar, huh? Now I know why you only wanted Sabrina here. I'd obviously have ruined any chance he had the moment you saw me."


	18. The Assassin's Stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the new chapter took awhile guys! School's really been getting me down

Mordin and I glared at each other, neither one of us backing down.

"I don't understand why you can't just help me," I grumbled. Mordin smiled back at me, shaking his head.

"Perfectly willing to help," Mordin assured. "Just need your help first. Too much work to do. Need to update crew medical records, personal… matters as well," the scientist frowned. "Just need you to do one thing. Blood sample from Thane Krios. Do this for me, will help with Vrolik's Syndrome cure."

I let out an exasperated sigh, but nodded. "Fine, I can go and get a blood sample for you. I guess."

Mordin laughed lightly. "Funny. Expected that you wanted to meet the assassin. Surprised by lack of interest."

"Shh," I winked at the salarian and grinned. "I was just kidding around. I'm going to ask him to tell me some assassination stories while you work out your personal matter."

"Have fun," Mordin called after me as I exited the lab, syringe safely tucked inside the kit Mordin had given me about an hour before.

The last week had been pretty… fun? Yeah, that was a pretty good word to use to describe the week. Having Tali around really did wonders for me and Sabrina's moods. And Jeff's too, I liked to think. She was incredibly wary of the fact that we were working with/for Cerberus, but I couldn't blame her for that. Cerberus was still a terrorist organization after all.

Passing by Kelly and Sabrina, I gave the two women a friendly wave before hitting the call button for the elevator. While I was down there, maybe I could visit Garrus and Kasumi too… and I hadn't really spoken to Samara all that much, maybe it'd be good of me to see how she was doing on the Normandy.

And talking to them might make it easier for Jeff and I to get them Christmas presents.

The trip down to Deck 3 was uneventful, but I did feel a little bit nervous entering the life support control room. Thane was an assassin, after all.

"Hello?" I poked my head into the room.

"Please, come in," the rough, gravelly voice of the assassin responded. I entered the room quickly, the door hissing shut behind me as I stepped forward to meet the assassin. A Drell. "It's rare for me to have visitors."

I grinned at him, sheepish. "My names Kim, by the way. Mordin sent me down to get a blood sample from you."

"Ah, Shepard mentioned you in one of our previous conversations," Thane gave me a curt nod. "A pleasure."

He wasn't what I'd expected him to be like.

Opening my kit, I pulled out the syringe and readied it, Thane turning his seat towards me. One of the great things about working with Mordin was getting to learn how to treat members of other races. Not that I didn't get to learn those things from Karin, just that the focus when I worked with Karin was more… common races.

Drell? Not so common.

Taking the blood sample was quick, Thane watching me calmly with his big dark eyes as I worked. It was a bit unnerving, but luckily for me I managed to draw the blood without (at least visibly) causing him pain.

I glanced at his face for a moment, instantly averting my gaze. Then, I took the seat across from him and stared at him seriously. "So, Thane. Tell me about yourself."

The drell cracked a smile at me. "Your mannerisms are quite similar to Shepard's," Thane noted. I pouted slightly, that wasn't about himself. Thane chuckled at my reaction. "Very well. What do you wish to know?"

Looking up thoughtfully, I pursed my lips and squinted my eyes. What _did_ I wish to know? "Tell me about Kepral's Syndrome."

Of course, the only thing I could think of to ask him was about his life threatening disease that Mordin had briefly mentioned to me before. Go me.

The second thoughts of asking such an insensitive question made my expression change to apologetic. "Sorry, never mind… that wasn't exactly the greatest question to start with."

Thane nodded, understanding. "You can't help your curiosity," he reasoned. "Please, do not worry for me. Your words were not spoken with the intent to hurt. If you still want to know, I am willing to tell you about my disease."

"Are you in pain?" I questioned him, tilting my head to the side.

"No," he assured. I nodded, turning my head to the left and looking at the wall. "I assume that you've already looked into my disease."

I shook my head. "Not too much I'm afraid. Mordin mentioned it, said that the tissue in your lungs are losing the ability to absorb oxygen."

"Yes, that's basically it," the drell confirmed.

"…So eventually you suffocate," I finished quietly.

Sabrina suffocated to death.

Alone.

I gulped, gazing at Thane sadly. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Thane put his hands together, shaking his head. "Shepard made a similar offer. I'll give you the same answer. No, thank you. It's being attended to. If the finest medical minds in the hanar Illuminated Primacy can't solve the problem, I doubt your ships medic could," he gave me a small smile. "But thank you for your concern."

"I don't know if Sabrina mentioned it, but I help Mordin with research," I added seriously. "He's going to help me find a cure for Vrolik's syndrome."

"Ah, the disease that your pilot has," Thane blinked at me, a sort of gentleness in his eyes. "A noble venture. I'm sure that if he knew, he would be pleased."

I grinned at the assassin. "Do me a favor and don't tell him about it? I want it to be a surprise."

"Of course," he agreed. "Was there anything else you wished to discuss?"

My eyes twinkled excitedly. "How long have you been an assassin? Can you tell me some assassin stories?"

"You're excitable," Thane stated, amused. "Very well, I will answer you to the best of my abilities. I began training to be an assassin when I was six but I did not make my first kill until I was twelve."

"That's young," I commented, watching the alien with awe. "Really young. Do you remember it?"

Thane nodded. "Drell have near perfect memory," he explained. "We can relive any moment of our life with perfect clarity."

I couldn't help but feel a bit sad for him when I heard that. Having the ability to remember everything that had ever happened… Every kill, every injury…

Remembering exactly what it felt like to lose a loved one.

Sometimes, I slipped into memories. I'd slip into Sabrina's death and each time it killed me a little bit more inside. What would it be like… having the ability to slip into every single painful memory at any time?

The doors hissed open, Sabrina practically skipping into the room. "Hey you two! Hope you don't mind me interrupting, but I was going to ask Thane if he'd like to join Tali and me for a mission."

I grinned at the commander, nodding my head. "Of course you come in just before I manage to get him to tell me his most interesting stories," I scolded jokingly. Turning back to smile at Thane, I shrugged my shoulders. "Thanks for talking to me, and thanks for the blood sample. Guess I'll stop by later and we can chat some more?"

Thane nodded. "Of course."

Quickly, I scurried out of the room, hearing Sabrina gush about me a bit as I left. I let out a small sigh and glanced towards the Starboard Observation. I could talk to Samara, but if Sabrina was getting a ground team together it could mean that I'd be needed in the cockpit…

I bit my lip.

I felt like a teenager, having to choose between being a responsible person and having a social life. Surely, Jeff would be fine without me for a little bit longer, right? And it wasn't like I was avoiding him or anything. We were fine, we were _friends_.

Even if the word 'friend' made me feel a bit… weird, now.

"…I'm turning into a teenager," I grumbled, shaking my head and walking in the direction of the Starboard Observation. A quick hello wouldn't do any harm, and Jeff wouldn't need me until we dropped Sabrina off, really. He _did_ have EDI.

So, I had a few more minutes at least. To say hello.

I poked my head into the darkened room, seeing the Asari Justicar meditating in the middle of the room. What were you supposed to do when someone was meditating, anyways? Wait till they were done? Back away slowly? Knock?

…How long did people meditate for, anyways? How long had Samara been meditating?

"Ah, Officer Kogan," Samara tilted her head in my direction. "Please, come in. Shepard mentioned you were the type to 'chat up the crew'."

"Oh, I just wanted to say hello before heading back," I took a seat near her, crossing my legs and grinning. "Have you settled in?"

"Yes," the serene woman smiled. "Thank you for asking."

The doors near us reopened, Sabrina looking relieved when she spotted me. "Hi Kimmy, hi Samara!"

I squinted my eyes at Sabrina. "Really Sabs?" I pouted. "First Thane, now Samara?"

A laugh erupted from my sister and she shook her head. "No, just wanted to see where you were."

"Do you want me to come with you?" I inquired.

Grinning, Sabrina walked forward and patted me on the head. "Nah, it's probably going to be too boring for you. Weren't you complaining about how we've been fighting mercenaries too often lately?"

My face scrunched up. "Yeah, no thanks then. If it's another one of those missions, will I be needed up in the cockpit?"

"Probably not," the Commander shrugged. "Why don't you ask Karin if she needs any help, or see if Mordin has anything for you to do?"

Something felt a bit… off, about what Sabrina was doing. Almost like…

"Kim," Samara stopped my thoughts in their tracks, nodding towards Sabrina as she waved to the two of us before leaving. "If you have a bit longer to talk, I have a few questions for you."

I focused on the Justicar, smiling at her good naturedly. "Sure, ask away."

"The Commander is your sister, correct?" the asari inquired.

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah!" I paused. "Well, kind of. We're not related by blood, but we're still sisters."

The two of us chattered on for a few more minutes (well, to be fair it was mostly me chattering and Samara smiling serenely at my enthusiastic answers to her questions) before I stood, deciding it was about time to return to Mordin with Thane's blood sample.

What I found interesting was how it seemed like every member of the crew was eyeing me warily when I stepped foot onto the CIC.

…Sabrina probably said something. She was acting a bit suspicious too.

"Mordin, why's everyone giving me weird looks?" I handed the salarian the blood sample as I questioned him.

"Can't say, haven't seen the looks," Mordin answered easily, not missing a beat.

I let out a sigh. "Okay, I'm going to see if Joker wants company." Mordin froze up for a second, and I could hear the gears in his brain moving. "You do realize that I'm going to figure it out anyways, so you might as well drop the act and tell me."

The Salarian scientist's mouth straightened into a line, but then he shook his head which let me know that he'd realized the implications of continuing to try and hide whatever it was from me. "Shepard on dangerous mission, didn't want you to know."

"I'm going to kill everyone on this ship who thought they could successfully hide that from me," I stated bluntly, storming out of the lab and making a beeline for the cockpit. Luckily my expression was scary enough for no one to attempt to stop me.

"Commander, you've got to hear this," Jeff spoke into his earpiece, not noticing me. "On a hunch I asked EDI to run an analysis on the ship."

" _I compared the EM profile against data recorded by the original Normandy two years ago. They are an exact match."_

An exact match.

Exact. Match.

I linked my comm instantly. "Sabrina get whatever the fuck you needed from that deathtrap and get the hell out," I ordered, turning on my heel and running towards the armory.

"Fuck,"Jeff swore. I could hear him struggle to stand while I ran. "CP!"

" _Shit,"_ Garrus cursed. _"Kim, don't do anything hasty."_

"I'm not doing anything hasty," I answered. "I'm doing what I should have been doing this whole time. Joker, stay in the fucking cockpit or I'll shoot you."

"… _Noted."_ The pilot responded.

I kept my comm linked but muted, grabbing my rifle and a pistol and not even giving Jacob a hello before moving to the elevator so I could get to the shuttle.

" _EDI, I'm setting up a bridge between you and the Collector ship."_ Sabrina spoke. _"See if you can get anything useful from the databanks."_

I hit the button to go down.

" _Data mine in progress, Shepard,"_ EDI informed.

Suddenly the lights in the elevator went black, the elevator stopping sharply and knocking me off my feet.

" _Uh… that can't be good."_

The elevator lights flickered back on then continued back down. Yeah, that obviously couldn't be good.

" _What the hell just happened!?"_ Sabrina freaked over the comm.

" _Major power surge. Everything went dark, but we're back up now,"_ Jeff answered, sounding more than just a little bit stressed.

"I managed to divert the majority of the overload to non-critical systems." "Shepard, it was not a malfunction. This was a trap."

Of course it was a trap. Of course.

" _We need a little help here, EDI,"_ the commander stated.

" _I am having trouble maintaining connection. There is someone else in the system."_

"This is why you keep me in the fucking loop," I raged, dashing out of the elevator once it reached the shuttle bay. Cadet Haggerty was hurriedly rushing around the shuttle, unsure of what to do. "Get into the damn pilot's seat and get me to Commander Shepard," I ordered, grabbing a breathing mask and securing it to my face.

"O-officer Kogan!" Haggerty stuttered, looking uncertain. "I don't know—"

"Pilot's seat. Now." I growled, jumping into the back of the shuttle and loading my guns. A few moments later I could feel us taking off for the Collector Ship.

"Shepard, can you hear me?" I placed my pointer finger on my earpiece. No response. "EDI, my link with Sabrina's being blocked. Can you fix it?"

" _Of course Officer Kogan. I've also sent Cadet Haggerty coordinates to the rendezvous point."_

"I'll clear out any hostiles and keep a watch for Sabrina," I decided, counting my thermal clips. Why didn't they tell me, why did they try to hide it?

They… she…

Sabrina didn't want me to know. And that was before she found out that the ship she was on was the same one that caused the last Normandy to be destroyed.

The ship that caused her death.

She's going to die again she's going to die and I won't be able to stop it no, Sabrina, no you should have told me you should have you should have.

I looked around the inside of the shuttle anxiously, trying to slow my breathing and scratching at my wrists.

Haggerty's voice rang over the intercom. _"Officer Kogan we're at the extraction point but there's enemies—"_

Numb, I hit the door control and charged at the enemies. Husks. Shells of humans… How did they make husks? That was a Geth thing…

_Bang, bang._

One of them didn't go down, shrieking at me as it ran forward, blue hands trying to claw at me. I threw it down, stomping down on its head with my boot and hearing a satisfying crack.

Empty glowing eyes, empty eyes.

I could see Shepard running down the nearby slope, firing at the remaining husks as she ran towards me. Thane and Garrus followed behind her.

" _We're out of time Commander! We have to go!"_ Joker shouted over the comm.

We have to go, we have to go, why aren't you just listening to me—

"We need to go, this ships going to crash," I stated hauntingly. All around me, I saw flashes of the old Normandy. Burning. Fires. Tabitha's eyes… "We have to go."

" _I can still save her!"_

Then Sabrina was in front of me.

"Sabrina, what are you still doing here?" I inquired, panicked. The Normandy was crashing, Kaidan was supposed to get her into an escape pod why was she here?!

"You heard the man—everybody onto the Normandy! Move!" Sabrina ordered. I tilted my head to the side, confused.

This was wrong, this was wrong this was wrong this was wrong.

I was on the Collector Ship, the ship that killed her, we needed to go. This wasn't the Normandy. This wasn't real.

I aimed my rifle at a Collector that was running towards us, shooting it once before turning and diving onto the shuttle. Garrus jumped in behind me, and once Thane and Sabrina were in they shut the shuttle door.

I could hear a loud thrum, could see the lights on the Collector ship light up from the shuttle's camera.

I wanted to throw up.

Thane placed a hand on my back, Sabrina clenching her fist. Haggerty had never flown so fast in his life. The moment we were back on the Normandy, all four of us dashed for the elevator.

"Get us to the CIC now, EDI!" Sabrina ordered, the elevator shooting up faster than I thought possible.

" _Strap in people – gunna make them work for it this time."_

We ran towards the cockpit, stumbling a bit as the Normandy jerked sharply. When we made it to the cockpit, I pushed past Sabrina to sit in my seat, hands dancing across the aerogel. Evasive maneuvers. I couldn't… no… not again.

"We can't dodge this guy forever, EDI! Get us the hell out of here!" Jeff frantically flew the ship, dodging blasts.

"Specify a destination, Mr. Moreau," EDI requested.

I wanted to puke. "We need to go!" I screeched.

"Anywhere that's not here!" Jeff shouted, another blast firing past us.

"Very well. Engaging mass effect core."

My heart slammed against my ribs, adrenaline pumping through my veins. We escaped, we escaped…

I stood up, legs shaky, and promptly collapsed in front of Sabrina.

She almost… Sabrina almost…

A heartbreaking sob sounded through the cockpit. Tears blurred in my eyes, but I could see blood leaking down my arm. It took a few minutes before I realized that the painful cries weren't just coming from me.

Sabrina was crying too.

"I'm telling you next time, I promise," she told me, armored fingers combing through my hair.

An hour later I sat in the med bay, arm bandaged. The injury was from a husk, we figured. Thane sat near me quietly, almost like a guard.

"Are you sure you're okay Kim?" Karin asked me, holding a datapad.

"I relapsed weird this time, I just…" I glanced towards Thane. "Can I just… talk to Thane alone for a bit?"

Karin gave me a slightly worried look before nodding and exiting the room.

I curled up. "Thane?" I piped, voice cracking slightly.

He tilted his head in my direction, dark eyes watching me with an almost fatherly care. "Yes?"

"Do you ever wish that you could just… forget?" I asked him, tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

"Some memories are easier to escape than others, _Ayrimi_ , remember that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayrimi: 'One who smiles small' or 'Little Smile'  
> ...Yeah I made it up and it sounded like it belonged in their language.


	19. Overlord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been awhile everyone. My FINAL FINAL exam was this morning, and I just got a new job, and wasn't entirely happy about this chapter when it was written before. Now, I am... mostly. So here you go! ^_^

Of course it was geth. If it wasn't mercenaries, it was geth. Sabrina never took me to the interesting fights.

"Hey Kim, want to come along and fight some _geth_? I know how much you hate them. It's not like they didn't scar you by _crippling your legs at one point in your life_ ," I grumbled sarcastically, rising from cover and shooting at one of the flashlight-headed demons. "You know what'll make you feel _great_ , Kim? Hanging out in a crashed geth ship! Oh goodie!"

I could almost hear Jeff chuckle through my earpiece. _"Hold the sass, Flight Officer,"_ Jeff ordered in response. Or at least he would have. I could imagine him smiling as he said that, green eyes crinkling with amusement.

Sadly, our comms were jammed.

Garrus shot me a look from where he was sniping. "Maybe we could focus on shooting the geth right now, Shortcake?"

"Sir yes sir," I retorted, managing to distract one of the geth that had decided to focus on Sabrina. "But really, geth again? You know what Sabs had me fighting last time she brought me topside?"

If Jeff could hear me right now, he'd probably roll his eyes and say: _"Geth, I know"_ to appease me.

The last geth fell to the ground with a loud metal clang and Sabrina turned towards me with a hand on her hip. "You fought Collectors last time," she argued.

I shot her a deadpan look. "You didn't bring me topside. I brought myself topside."

Garrus stepped towards us, reloading his shotgun. "She has a point Shepard, you didn't technically bring her along," the turian pointed out.

The commander huffed, elbowing the turian in the ribs (not that it did much because… well... armor). "Shut your mouth Vakarian. I'm your commanding officer right now, remember? Not your friend."

Jeff would have whistled over the comm at that burn. _"Ouch."_

Childishly I stuck my tongue out at Sabrina. "You're just mad because I'm right. Admit it!"

The three of us were one Aite, an Earth-like planet in the Typhon system of the Pheonix Massing Cluster. The Illusive Man had the balls to ask Sabrina to check it out after he'd sent her into a trap.

Honestly, I had no idea why we were still doing him favors. He sent Sabrina into a TRAP.

Regardless, Sabrina had decided to bring me and Garrus along. Garrus because we trusted him, and me because I was the only one on the Normandy who could fly an M-44 Hammerhead. Sure, I had to change out of my armor to fly it but since no one else could do it…

I was stuck flying the glass cannon.

Its weapons were great, but it didn't have kinetic barriers. What a shoddy design. Of course, I didn't have too much trouble with it… But I could hear my heartbeat in my ears whenever a projectile got a little too close to us.

"I will admit nothing," Sabrina declared, poking my nose. "Now, let's get back to the Hammerhead then head to Atlas station."

Letting out a sigh, I began unclasping my arm guards as the three of us walked out of the crashed geth ship and back to the vehicle with papier-mache shields. Sabrina and Garrus walked ahead of me, keeping an eye out in case there were any more geth.

"Kimmy what are you doing back there?" Sabrina called over her shoulder, giving me a slightly worried look.

"Just… I'm seriously wondering why people decide to give AI's stupid amounts of control," I responded, biting my lip when Sabrina and Garrus tilted their heads in my direction. "I mean, how often do they go rogue?"

"Technically it's a VI," Garrus reasoned. He averted his gaze and coughed. "…Linked with a human."

"Sounds pretty messed up," I stated bluntly. "And dangerous. Humans are incredibly flawed, why link one with a VI meant to control the _geth_? You know, the robots that sided with Saren and the Reapers."

"Saren and the Reapers," Sabrina repeated thoughtfully. "Sounds like a band name."

The turian in our little group shook his head at Sabrina's comment, choosing to ignore it and instead continue off my comment. "Don't get me wrong Kim, I agree with you. What they did here was idiotic."

"Cerberus really needs to deal with these issues," Sabrina sighed. "They're sending you to clean up the mess, Shepard. I'd say they're dealing with it pretty well," our turian teammate joked.

I pulled off pieces of my armor as we headed back to the Hammerhead, trusting Garrus to keep an eye out in case something jumped out at us.

…I wished that Jeff was here. Well, not here exactly. He'd probably shatter a bone, and he was _not_ meant for combat at all. But even if I was just imagining him he calmed me down.

At least, as long as he wasn't pissing me off.

"Kim, with all of these quick changes in and out of your armor, you're basically an actress," Sabrina joked when the three of us entered the Hammerhead. I shrugged my shoulders and sat down in the pilot's seat, ready to fly us to the Atlas station.

My fingers glided over the controls, flicking various buttons and bringing us airborne. "Coordinates for Atlas station locked in," I told Sabrina with a nod. My heart leaped when I saw the Hammerhead's comm panel light up and static fizzled for a moment.

" _Commander, you've done it."_

Oh.

My heart sank. It was just that scientist guy in charge of this idiotic experiment. Every time he spoke over the comm I got a little bit hopeful that it was the Normandy.

" _The lockdown has been cancelled."_

I pursed my lips. Obviously. We did all the hard work.

" _You can now breach Atlas Station and end this nightmare. You'll need to find the main server there to shut down the VI experiment."_

Yup, yup. Thanks for all the information Doctor Archer. We'll take it from here.

" _Good luck."_

I muted our comm.

"Whatever…" I grumbled unhappily. Sabrina gave me a knowing look and I could feel the amusement coming off of Garrus in waves. "You know, I'd really appreciate it if you guys just spoke your mind instead of giving me those looks."

"You've just been a bit… Jumpy, I suppose," Shepard commented, a sly smile on her lips. "Whenever there's comm chatter you have this adorable hopeful look. Are you missing a certain someone?"

"Not at all," I rolled my eyes, keeping my expression as blank as possible.

It wasn't that I was missing anyone. I just didn't like that we were cut off from the Normandy. It made me uncomfortable. Especially since we were dealing with a crazy AI.

I'd bet Joker was having a hell of a time right now. He was either stressing about the comms being down or he was coming up with sassy things to say to us when we got back.

" _Gee Commander, how many times has Cerberus sent you to clean up after them now? I lost count."_

" _How's about we try to avoid the crazy AI's? Don't want to give EDI any ideas."_

" _Hey CP, maybe stick to the Normandy for a bit? "_

A blush slowly rose to my cheeks, causing Sabrina to snicker.

"Shut up, Sabs," I growled, sulking slightly in my seat as we approached Atlas station.

"You'll feel better when you admit it," the commander sang. I landed the Hammerhead, Sabrina and Garrus exiting and keeping watch while I quickly reequipped my armor and readied my rifle.

God, I hated geth. Why couldn't more people be trained in Hammerhead flying?

…No, it was better if I was here. I was just being anxious. If I was here, at least I could make sure Sabrina was as safe as she could be on a planet currently overrun with Geth controlled by a crazy AI from a Cerberus experiment.

Jogging out of the Hammerhead I followed after Sabrina and Garrus and through the metal doors that led inside of the station. Our comms buzzed to life, Doctor Archer speaking again.

…Couldn't we change it up a bit? I'd rather listen to EDI. At least then I'd know things were going okay on the Normandy. And that it wasn't destroyed again.

" _Looks like you're in, Commander. Good. I'm getting some troubling readings here though. The VI is trying to upload its program directly from your location. Get to the server room and shut down the core before it can—"_

Garrus shook his head. "That doesn't sound good…" I nodded my head in agreement and aimed my rifle at one of the glowing green security camera's which I promptly shot out.

I never did like the feeling of being watched.

"Okay guys, let's move fast," Sabrina decided. She was a bit worried, I could tell. As we moved, I noticed a damaged console and uploaded one of the still intact files onto my Omni-Tool.

" _Archer log 155.2. For years, my brother's condition has been a handicap. That changed today. His autistic mind is the breakthrough I've been looking for… he can communicate with the geth! Such a tremendous group of mathematics! It seems serendipity is alive and well in the 22_ _nd_ _century."_

The lights went out and by instinct I fired a shot.

"Careful Kim," the commander warned.

My body shook slightly and I glanced around frantically. "Right, sorry Sabs."

"Almost took out my shields with that," Garrus chucked, placing a talon on my shoulder and leading me to the next corridor that was more lit than the previous room.

Sabrina scoffed. "You would have deserved it after taking out our shields on Omega."

"Like I said before, I needed to get you moving," the turian had an almost-smirk on his face, returning his talon to his weapon. "You okay, Shortcake? Not too shaken?"

"Kimmy, aren't you a bit too old to be afraid of the dark?" Sabrina giggled, I scowled.

"I'm not afraid of the dark. I just thought we'd be attacked or something like that and it would have been even harder for me to hit enemies!" I argued, ignoring the dead body slumped against the wall. The door panel at the end of the hall was red, so Sabrina opened the one to the right.

It didn't open. The one that was locked before did.

"Yay the AI has control of all the rooms in the station. We are so fucked," I laughed uncomfortably, feeling stressed. We were following the path it wanted us to take. It was probably going to lead right into a trap.

Probably a trap with geth.

And I _hated_ geth.

My anxious feelings were further fed the farther we walked, all the doors shutting in the next corridor and the three doors flickering different colors, the sounds vaguely reminding me of the noises the quasar machines in Flux used to make.

A door opened, leading us inside another room. I clenched my jaw shut and tightened my grip on my rifle, a nauseas feeling in my stomach.

" _Archer log 157.8. Unless he sees results, the Illusive Man is shutting us down next week. I have no choice. I'm going to tap David directly into the geth neural network and see if he can influence them. The danger should be negligible. David might even enjoy it."_

Gavin Archer was a sick bastard. Yes, David was able to influence them.

And now a ton of people were dead.

"Kimmy, Garrus," Sabrina called out, standing by the nearby elevators. "Take cover, I'll call the elevator. Be ready to fire."

"Got it," Garrus nodded, hiding behind cover. I bit my lip.

"Hey Sabs, can I push the button? If there are geth, you and Garrus will be better able to take them down than me," I reasoned. Sabrina looked conflicted for a moment, so I continued. "Even at this range I might miss."

"Okay, but I'm standing by you so I can hit them with my biotics," Sabrina declared.

I nodded, and hit the call button.

" _Arriving at level 2."_

"I hate AI's…" I muttered, hitting it again.

" _Arriving at level 4."_

"Holy crap."

" _Arriving at level 6."_

"...Damn it."

" _System malfunction."_

I pursed my lips. "This is the worst," I growled, looking around. I spotted a nearby console and let out a heavy sigh. "…I'm going to see if that console's connected to the elevator controls. Then maybe we can actually get an elevator on this floor." As soon as my back turned, I could feel Sabrina smile.

…Terrible.

It took me a little bit, but eventually I was able to get the elevator onto our floor. I ducked behind the desk, the elevator doors opening and revealing a geth prime and a couple of smaller, less intimidating geth.

...ug…

I was not built to fight giant geth upfront. My legs ached, and I could imagine the wheelchair Chakwas would confine me to if my legs got shattered again.

"Kim! Overload!" Sabrina ordered. I cried internally but did what she asked, poking my head out of cover for a few seconds and attempting to overload the Prime's shields. Sabrina rushed towards one of the smaller ones and took it down with her biotics, Garrus firing off one shot at the other geth and killing it instantly.

The Prime aimed its weapon at me.

"Nope!" I ducked back behind the desk, hearing the bullets whiz past me. "Nope, nope, nope."

"Scared of a synthetic, Shortcake?" Garrus mocked over the bullet fire.

"Keep talking and I'll make you scared of me, Vakarian!" I shouted back at him, causing the turian to bark out a laugh in response while shooting a shot at the bane of my existence. Sabrina laughed cheerfully along with him, shooting out the light on the prime's head before we continued. "I don't like that we're just following the path the AI wants us to take."

Sabrina shrugged her shoulders. "What else can we do?"

"We're going to end up in a trap, I just know it," I insisted. Sabrina simply shrugged again in response, not really caring one way or the other. Garrus, however, was a bit more understanding.

And he actually agreed with me, I was sure. But Sabrina was his commanding officer, and he wasn't about to go against her suicidal orders. So, the two of us followed her into the elevator.

David's screams made my ears hurt, and I panicked as the elevator began falling quickly, then rising again and causing me to lose my balance.

" _Please contact facility support."_

"I told you!" I nearly screamed, tightly shutting my eyes as the elevator went out of control.

" _This elevator is not in service, please use another."_

Sabrina placed a hand on my shoulder, somehow still balanced. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" All three of us started coughing as smoke filled our lungs and I forced my eyes open, the smoke causing them to sting.

" _Smoke detected. Please extinguish all cigarettes. This is a non-smoking facility."_

Finally, it seemed as if David no longer wanted to play with us, the elevator falling quickly towards the first floor with enough force to knock Sabrina and Garrus off balance as well as take out our shields. The doors opened, and I could see various geth in pod-like things, not moving. Over the speakers, logs began to play.

It was frightening, I had to admit.

"Archer log 168.4: I'd be lying if I said no harm could come to David. His autistic mind is as alien to me as an actual alien. Anything could happen when we plug him in. But I have to try, don't I?"

Sabrina was silent, too silent. Looking over at her, I could see the anger in her eyes. Another camera was watching us from the corner of the room.

"…We're going to help you, David," she promised, determination written clearly on her face as she led Garrus and I down another poorly lit hallway. I jogged to catch up, looking around warily. The lock on the door at the end was green, but I could sense that something was off.

Then again, I had a bad feeling about this whole things. I hated, HATED AI's. And Geth. And being cut off from the Normandy. And being watched. And… and…

I gulped as the doors panel started moving on the wall, stopping on the door to our left. We were walking into a trap, it was too dangerous. Why were we just playing right into the AI's hands? It didn't want us to help, it didn't want help. That's why so many people were dying—

"Kim, calm down," Sabrina soothed, leading me into the room with the VI server console that would (hopefully) end this nightmare. "Get ready guys, I wouldn't be surprised if this button summoned a Reaper."

"Not calming!" my voice cracked nervously and I kept my eyes focused on the door, Garrus chuckling at my reaction. Sabrina smirked over at me before shutting down the console.

Which also shut off the lights.

Which caused the AI to appear on the console, making the frightening sound that it kept on making. Sabrina turned around, eyes glowing green.

Her cybernetics. They were hacked.

"Sabs—" I reached towards her, my legs frozen in place.

Garrus was stunned. "Shepard?"

The commander couldn't understand us, maybe couldn't even see us, and stumbled just outside the door.

Only when the doors locked shut behind her did I snap out of it.

And did I ever snap.

"Let us OUT!" I screeched, slamming my fists against the door, frantic, violent, loud. "I will end your LIFE! You think you're in pain now?! GIVE ME BACK SABRINA! GIVE HER BACK!"

A talon was placed on my shoulder, causing me to turn and snarl. Garrus was shocked at my expression but wasn't deterred. "You need to calm down."

"It took Sabrina," I stated simply. "Garrus, it took Sabrina."

He nodded, always understanding but far more rational than I. "We need to focus on getting out, can you look around for something that might help us while I try to hack the door?"

"I'll hack it," I insisted.

Garrus shook his head, no. "You're not thinking straight. Let me do it."

I wasn't happy, but kept my mouth shut. Garrus was trying to help. He was trying to help. And he was right, I wasn't thinking straight. It was better if he took point. While he worked on hacking the door open I focused on tracking Sabrina's movements on my Omni tool. She was still alive. She wasn't dead. She wasn't dead. We just needed to get out of this room…

I was going to kill David myself for doing this.

It took us nearly ten minutes to get out of the room, and another three to get to where Sabrina was. When we got there, Gavin Archer was standing by the commander, pleading.

"Don't do anything rash," the scientist insisted, Sabrina turning to face him with a fire in her eyes.

Looking up, I could see why.

There was David, tubes coming out of his mouth, things… forcing his eyes open. Some sort of neck collar keeping his head in a specific position. Metallic appendages were stabbed through his arms, holding him upright.

A torture device.

"You told me David volunteered," Sabrina hissed, shaking with rage.

"By necessity!" Gavin argued. "If I'd told you the truth, you would have shut me down and not him!" The scientist gestured towards his brother. "It's not like I planned this, it was an _accident_."

My hands reached out and I held Garrus's arm to steady myself. My head was spinning. How could he do that to his own brother?

"Seeing David communicate with the geth… it all seemed harmless."

How was this harmless? David would probably never be the same again, what person would?

"And before you knew it you were running your own private hell!" Sabrina seethed.

Archer's eyes narrowed. "I had no choice! The demands were incredible. The Illusive man doesn't broker failure!"

"Seems like failure to me," Garrus growled, causing the Cerberus scientist to turn his glare towards us.

"Any war we fight with the geth will be bloody," Gavin reasoned. "I was asked to find a way to avoid that."

"Who gave you the right to do this?" the commander's hand pointed at the tortured boy. All of my anger towards him was gone now.

Now, all I felt was sick.

I could see sadness on Archer's face, but he was sure what he had done was right. "People who were too afraid to make the difficult decisions themselves. When they pray for a miracle, they're really praying for men like me to make the tough choices," he stated. "If my work spares a million mothers mourning the loss of a million sons, my conscience will rest easy."

"Look at him!" Sabrina shouted, pointing again. "He's never going to be the same and you're going on like what you did to your own brother was okay!"

Gavin shrugged. "The damage may not be permanent. He might recover some semblance of his mind."

Angry tears pooled in my eyes. Monster. He was a monster.

"So you're going to sacrifice your brother's happiness for your own ambition?" Sabrina's glare hardened, disgusted.

The scientist turned his gaze to his brother, shoulders slumping. David, I could see tears falling from his eyes.

"Square root of 906.01 equals…" The boy's broken voice made my heart break.

"30.1..." Gavin answered. He turned back towards Sabrina. "What I've done to David is unethical. It's… unforgivable. Let me take care of him, please."

David spoke up. "Quiet… please make it stop."

"No, you don't deserve to take care of him," Sabrina decided firmly, shaking her head. "I've seen enough of your cruelty to know that he'll never be free from it here. I'm taking him away."

Archer grew angry at that. "No, leave him! He's too valuable!" The moment he drew his gun, I charged, knocking him off his feet and disarming him.

I stared down at the older man, could see the fear in his eyes as he took in what I could guess was a frightening expression. "I could end your life, right now," I told him darkly. "We're going to help your brother, and if you even think about coming after him or us I will kill you."

Defeated, Gavin averted his gaze. "Where will you take him?"

Sabrina walked forward, stopping next to me. "Grissom Academy. They can help special cases like David—minus the torture. And if the Illusive Man doesn't like it, he can go ahead and fire me." She turned to face Garrus. "Garrus, keep an eye on the doctor here. Kim, get David down. I'm going to call the Normandy now that the comms aren't jammed."

I nodded, heading towards David and looking over the restraints. They were sickening. "I'm so sorry…" I murmured.

"Square root of 912.04 is 30.2. It all seemed harmless. Square root of 912.04 is 30.2… It all seemed harmless…"

Back on the Normandy, David was left in the care of Chakwas and Mordin. We'd get to Grissom Academy in a few hours, and hopefully they'd be able to help him. I would have stayed with him too… but I felt so guilty.

Before, I was ready to kill him.

It was kind of funny how quickly my mind was changed.

Back in my fatigues, I felt small. I felt like I did back on Earth, helpless and weak.

And guilty.

 _"Welcome back, Miss Kogan,"_ EDI greeted as I entered the cockpit.

I smiled awkwardly back at it and waved timidly. "Hi EDI."

Jeff didn't turn his seat around, greeting me as he continued to fly. "So, Cerberus is proving time and time again how they just can't seem to get their people to not do evil things, huh, CP?"

"…Yeah," I agreed softly, sitting down on the floor next to his chair, hugging my legs with my right arm. With my free hand, I reached between the armrest and grasped at the material of his shirt.

I just… needed to be grounded.

Saying nothing, he placed a hand on my head. Didn't ask what was wrong, or why I was sitting on the floor, and thankfully he didn't question why I was holding on to his shirt.

I leaned my head against the armrest, closing my eyes. "Today was scary."

"I figured," Jeff stroked the top of my head. "Tali came up to talk to me earlier. We were worried."

My heart clenched. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, don't be," he shrugged it off. "Though, I've gotta say… I think all of us would feel better if you didn't need to face another AI anytime soon."

I laughed dryly. "Yeah, I agree."


	20. I'll Be Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, sorry for the delay. No real excuse this time other than I forgot to post.

Sabrina, Kenn, Tali, Kenneth, Gabby and I sat around one of the tables in the mess hall, all of us eyeing each other warily. Well, except for Kenneth, who'd already lost all his chips to Sabs. Poor guy hadn't realized that Sabrina was just kidding around earlier when she reminded him that she was his commanding officer.

I was thankful that only Sabrina knew how good I was at cards. I'd been betting low, acting like I had absolutely nothing, and folding pretty often the last few rounds to throw Sabrina off. By this point, she thought I was just having an off day.

By the end of the game I was walking away with the largest amount of credits, humming cheerfully to myself. Sabrina shot me a dirty look as Tali, Kenn, and I walked with her to the elevator.

"You tricked me," Sabrina stated, still in disbelief.

I shot her a wink. "You tricked Donnelly."

She pouted at me and hugged Tali. "She tricked you too, didn't she Tal? Isn't Kimmy mean to us?"

Tali shrugged Sabrina off. "Well, you did trick Donnelly first," the quarian reasoned.

"Kenn?" the commander turned to the younger quarian hopefully.

He laughed awkwardly. "Sorry, Commander… You started it."

The fact that Tali and Kenn were on my side caused a smirk to dance on my lips and a scowl to appear on Sabrina's. Our commander was none too happy that she was the only one basking in the unfairness.

But, as Tali had said… she _did_ trick Donnelly first.

"You guys are the worst," Sabrina whined, now standing in front of the elevator.

"We are, aren't we?" I grinned, giving Tali a high-five. "Have fun helping Jack with her Cerberus issues. Don't know why you're bringing Officer Lawson with you though… sounds like a shitstorm."

"We all know how shitstorm-prone Shepard is, though," Tali commented.

"I just thought the banter would be amusing," Sabrina explained. "With two completely different view points, there's bound to be some good discussions too."

Kenn wasn't able to muffle his snort of derision. "I'm not too sure if you can put 'Jack' and 'good discussion' in the same sentence, Commander. Er… no offense."

"Unless you say that the amount of good discussions would be jack shit," I joked, earning myself a few laughs from my audience.

"Clever one, Kimmy," Sabrina complimented, using my head as an armrest and reminding me once more just how short I was. Ug. I hated everyone. "Well, I'm going to head out then. You guys have fun while I'm gone!"

Once Sabrina disappeared inside the elevator, Kasumi appeared, smirking when I glanced in her direction. "Shep said to have fun, right? I have just the idea."

Oh no.

Suddenly, I was very worried… However, also very curious. Nevertheless, I could tell that Tali and Kenn were _just_ worried, probably because they didn't interact with Kasumi as much as I did.

…Maybe that was a good thing.

I smirked, a glint of playfulness in my eyes. "What's the plan, Kasumi?" I turned to face Tali and Kenn. "You two are in too, right?"

Yes, I was a terrible influence.

Tali let out a sigh, defeated. "…Why didn't I expect this. Sure, Kim. Why not."

The younger quarian seemed to look back and forth between Tali and I before agreeing himself. "It won't be too bad, right?"

Kasumi laughed, ignoring the obvious suspicion that the two of them held towards her. "Great! Joker already agreed to help us out. See you there!"

"If this causes irreversible damage, we're blaming you," Tali stated, tilting her head in my direction. I couldn't help but pout at my friend.

"Tali, come on. I doubt it'll be dangerous."

Well, there was a chance… but I still really doubted it.

So the three of us entered the elevator and headed up to the CIC, ready to meet up with Joker and Kasumi to hear whatever plan the master thief had come up with. I did notice, however, that Kenn seemed a bit antsy about it all. Wanting to be as helpful as possible, I asked Tali to go on ahead while I talked to Kenn. "You okay?" I asked the younger boy who shuffled his feat anxiously.

"I just… always got the feeling that Joker didn't like me very much," Kenn explained. I could see why Kenn would think that.

Joker just always seemed to be in a bad mood whenever the two interacted. Usually because the few times they had interacted was when me and Jeff were pissed at each other.

Mustering my best 100-watt smile, I beamed at the quarian. "Don't worry about him, okay? I'll take care of it. Promise."

Kenn still seemed a bit uncertain, but was at least more willing to join the rest of us. As soon as we entered the cockpit together, Kasumi shook her head at us disapprovingly.

"Kim, really?" Kasumi scolded. "Spending one on one time with another quarian? What about Tali?"

I pretended to be offended. "Kasumi, everyone knows Tali is number one in my heart."

Jeff cracked a smile at that, and I made a mental note to pull him aside and order him to not get pissy around Kenn again. "So, you guys ready to help decorate?"

Awesome, it wasn't going to be dangerous.

"Is this just… general Christmas decorating then?" I inquired, eyeing Kasumi suspiciously. That didn't sound nearly as fun as she'd led me to believe.

Kasumi cracked a grin at me. "I also got my hands on some mistletoe. Think it might be fun to trick people into kissing our resident turian?"

"…I'm going to plant some in Miranda's office," I decided. It was just too amusing of a thought.

"You're insane," Jeff told me bluntly, standing up and heading to the pilot's quarters. "Decorations are in here guys. Tali, Kenn, we'll give you some decorations and you can start decorating the CIC. Me and CP are going to decorate Miranda's office before they get back."

"Do we have anything really obnoxious? Like one of those giant Santa's? Or do you think a Frosty the snowman would be more fitting?" I asked my friend jokingly, entering the room. I grabbed a random box off the bed with a couple things of mistletoe, Tali grabbing another one.

"One bed, Kim?" Tali commented, teasing. "I wonder who put that request in."

"Probably Sabrina's subconscious with how much she ships me and Joker," I responded easily, not really caring. It wasn't like I actually slept here. I was usually either in Sabrina's room or sleeping in my co-pilot's seat. The only really thing I came into this room for was clothes or armor.

Kenn took the box from Tali, ever the gentlemen. "S-so, you and Joker sleep together, then?"

"Well, there's only one bed," Jeff grinned, cheeky as hell. "And she just can't keep her hands off me."

"Ooh, tell me more," Kasumi encouraged, loving the lie. I rolled my eyes at the two of them.

"It's just sex," the pilot explained with a wink. "After all, CP and Tali's relationship is way too strong for me to get in the way of."

"Please, we both know that's a lie," I cut in, putting the box down. "You wish you could get in the way. You're always so jealous of me and Tali's love for each other." I leaned in closer, playful, and wrapped my arms around his neck. "…Just so you know, I'm using you for your dick. Try not to fall for me."

Jeff froze up for a moment, stunned, while Tali and Kasumi laughed. I had turned the tables on him.

Then he turned his head to look at Kasumi. "You taught her the D word, didn't you?" he asked the thief accusingly, which only made the two of them laugh harder. Kenn just stood there, completely lost.

"Oh, we're just kidding around Kenn," I told the boy, letting go of Jeff and stepping towards him with an apologetic look. "I sleep in Sabrina's room," I further explained, a bit sheepish. Jeff let out an annoyed groan, shooting me an irritated look.

"We could have kept it going for a bit longer," the pilot grumbled, clearly unhappy that I came clean.

"Admit it Joker, you just like having Kim's arms around you," Kasumi snickered before quickly changing the subject. "But seriously Kim, I don't think I've ever heard you say the D-word before."

Picking my box of decorations back up, I shot her an unamused look. "Is everyone going to call it the D-word now?" I shook my head. "Okay, joking aside… We need to get decorating otherwise Officer Lawson will get back and any hope of decorating her office will be gone."

"She's right," Kasumi agreed, grabbing a small amount of decorations for herself. "I'll start decorating Garrus's workstation, I'm sure he won't mind."

"Everyone got the Christmas memo, it'll be fine," I shrugged, heading out the door and down the hall. "Hurry up Jeff, at this rate I'll be done decorating Miranda's office before you even make it to the elevator."

Jeff limped to catch up with me. "Jeez, CP, slow down a bit!"

I slowed down, unable to keep the grin off my face. "Fine, fine. Oh, by the way, can you do me a favor?"

A playful twinkle appeared in the pilot's eyes. "Depends."

The two of us passed Kelly, Jeff hitting the button to call the elevator. "Try not to pick on Kenn too much, the kid's sure that you don't like him," I spoke a bit quieter, not wanting people to overhear. It was already weird enough knowing that everywhere on this ship EDI was listening, at the very least I didn't want the Cerberus psychiatrist to hear my concerns.

Jeff's smirk didn't waver, but there was a hint of annoyance in his tone that I almost missed. "Sure thing, Kogan."

I waited until we were safely inside of the elevator before continuing our discussion. "I'm not saying that you have to like Kenn if you don't," I added, giving the pilot a look. "But you don't need to be a jerk to him, is all I'm saying."

"Fine, fine, I get it," Joker waved me off. "Don't be a jerk. Got it. Gotta be good for Santa, right?"

Letting out a relieved sigh, I nodded. "Exactly," I grinned at Jeff sheepishly. "So, giant Santa or Frosty the Snowman?"

"Want to see if we can position Frosty on her bed?" Jeff wiggled his eyebrows playfully and I beamed up at him.

"Want to see if we can fit one of her bras on Frosty? Take a picture of it with the caption 'caught Miranda in bed' and send it to Jack?"

Jeff paused, staring at me with his jaw hanging open slightly. "CP… that's brilliant."

I flipped my braid over my shoulder. "I try."

The elevator arrived not too long after that, and the two of us hurried towards Miranda's office, passing by Gardner with cheery waves and too-big grins like the hooligans we were. It had been awhile since Jeff and I had done something childish like this together.

It was really, really nice.

Jeff positioned Frosty on the bed while I dug through Miranda's underwear drawer, Kasumi appearing beside me and helping me search for the perfect bra to use. I turned to my female friend, holding one up to my chest with an irritated expression.

"Look at these things!" I whined, squishing the cups. "Not only are they huge, but they're also stylish! How?! Why?! And look, this isn't even a push up bra."

Kasumi smirked, taking them from me. "And now the real question will be answered… what is Officer Lawson's bra size?"

I peeked at the tag. "Thirty-six D."

"And what are you again, Kim? Thirty-Two C? What a difference," Kasumi snickered. I shoved her, scandalized.

"Kasumi! Not cool!" I pouted up at her. "What size are you, anyways?"

The thief put a finger to her lips. "A lady never tells. And you know, you're pretty busty for such a short person. Count your blessings." A blush dusted my cheeks and I looked away. Which, sadly, only seemed to encourage Kasumi. "Just follow Miranda's lead and stop wearing those sports bras you love so much and you'll be able to show off your assets."

Jeff snorted. "I doubt CP would be able to compete with Miranda's ass…ets."

Shooting the pilot a glare, my pout transformed into a full on frown. "Terrible." I turned my head to look at Kasumi. "Hey, wait; shouldn't you be decorating the Main Battery?"

"Already done," Kasumi shrugged. "I'm quick."

I nodded, holding up a black lace bra for Kasumi to inspect. "Perfect for Frosty?"

"Let's see if we can find anything with a Cerberus insignia on it," Kasumi suggested. I let out an unladylike snort, eyeing the thief with disbelief. "Okay, okay. Light blue."

"Thank you for being reasonable," I dug through the drawers, thankfully finding one. I was actually quite surprised by Miranda's underwear drawer… or at least by the color selection. Like Kasumi had said before, I had a preference for sports bras—

That thought gave me pause.

"Kasumi, have you looked through my underwear drawer?" I asked her, chillingly calm.

"… I look through everyone's drawers. Well, except for Sheps. That room is a pain to get into thanks to EDI." The girl responded. I let out a slightly irritated groan, covering my eyes with my free hand.

"Just… Okay, okay. It's fine," I decided, taking the bra and walking towards Jeff. "As long as you also looked through Jeff's, I'm fine with it."

"Did you want the answer to the boxers or briefs question?" Kasumi teased. I rolled my eyes and inspected Jeff's face for a reaction. His cheeks were a bit red.

"Nah, I'll make an educated guess," I grinned, nudging the pilot aside so I could put the bra on Frosty. "With how well I know Joker, and his personality… Boxers. He doesn't strike me as a briefs guy."

"Ding ding ding!" Kasumi laughed aloud, Jeff letting out a small chuckle and rubbing the back of his neck. "You're correct."

"…Do girls normally talk about this stuff or is it just your thing?" Jeff inquired. Kasumi and I gave each other a look, a glint of mischief appearing in Kasumi's eyes.

Then she disappeared from our sight.

Uh oh.

"Okay, Frosty's done," I announced, opting to let Kasumi do her thing. "Come on Joker, let's take some pictures."

"Doesn't it freak you out when she does that?" Joker muttered, tapping on his omni-tool.

"Please, Kasumi's basically harmless," I waved him off. "Okay, let's take some pics with Frosty then a few without. Then we'll get the mistletoe hung up and some garland and then go decorate the mess hall or something."

"You and I have very different definitions of harmless," he muttered in response, forcing a smile for the photo. I tsked, but smiled along too. We made a few silly faces, heck, one of the photos even had me posing as seductively as someone could in military garb next to the snowman decoration, with a hand on the bra. Somehow I even convinced Jeff to take one, and then we just took a few different angles of Frosty before hanging up some garland.

Then, the mistletoe.

I imagine the sight would have been hilarious to anyone who walked in, with me being as short as I was trying to hang the mistletoe up all by myself. Jeff just watched me, amused, before taking a step forward.

…And knocking into a once-cloaked Kasumi, who was now standing awkwardly close to Jeff holding mistletoe above them.

"Oops," Kasumi shrugged her shoulders, I couldn't see her face. I slowly lowered the mistletoe I'd been ready to hang, Jeff laughing good naturedly at the situation before leaning down and kissing Kasumi.

"You know, Kasumi, never thought you'd pull that," the pilot snickered, stepping around her and heading back towards me like nothing out of the ordinary happened. "…On me, at least. I figured Jacob."

Kasumi turned and smirked at him. "You're just practice, Joker. Trust me, I'm planning on catching Jacob with that trick."

I released a breath I hadn't realized I was holding, handing Jeff the mistletoe and turning on my heel with an eye roll. "Sorry Joker, not going to risk being around you with that deadly weapon. I'll start decorating the mess hall…" My eyes caught notice of something on Miranda's desk.

A datapad. With an alert blinking in the corner of the screen. I felt a bit bad for snooping, but before I even knew what I was doing I had the datapad in my hands to see what the alert was for. My eyes widened slightly when I saw the notification heading.

_New information on Officer Kogan…_

"Hey, Kasumi… Ever hack into a Cerberus datapad before?" I inquired chillingly, turning to face my two friends with a dark expression. "I think I'd _love_ to see what Miranda's learned about me."


End file.
